Snapped at DH about widowed MIL, feeling guilty

[pinkchristmastree11]

DH and I are from opposite ends of the country, he is an only child and I have one sibling who is severely disabled.

FIL died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. He was relatively young (only just retired) and still very active. MIL is understandably devastated, they had been together since their teens. They were true soulmates, very dependant on each other and both quite introverted so had very few other friends. MIL has no other living family. She has two close friends, otherwise she doesn't work, doesn't volunteer, isn't part of any local groups, doesn't go to church etc.

She lives 3 hours away from us in a semi rural area with an unreliable bus service and doesn't drive.

DH has suggested she a) learn to drive or b) moves closer to us. Or ideally both. She won't entertain either (I don't really understand her reasons tbh).

Since FIL died DH has been going to visit MIL every third weekend and she's come to stay with us twice for 2-3 weeks at a time. As she doesn't drive, he goes to pick her up which is a six hour round trip.

She's staying with us throughout xmas/new year and last night DH was talking about his next visit in mid-Jan. For the first time, I got a bit annoyed about it. I'm totally exhausted - we have two DC of our own (toddler and primary school), no family support, and life is busy enough at the best of times. Every time he goes to MIL's I have to take a half day annual leave as he usually does pick up in the latter half of the week so I have to cover (and I don't know how much longer my work will tolerate this). Then it's a whole weekend of looking after the DC on my own, DH comes home exhausted and we are all back to work/school/childcare on Monday morning.

I basically said that MIL is a grown adult capable of making her own decisions and I respect that, but she has to accept that if she won't move closer and won't learn to drive, she isn't going to see as much of DH as she would like to and it's time to start cutting down on the frequency of the visits. DH actually agreed with me but I have been feeling so guilty ever since.

Any thoughts on how to handle? Am I a horrible person? What can we do to make the situation easier and help MIL without making our lives even harder?

You’re entirely right to have opened the discussion with your dh - you’ve also done the right thing so far in supporting this but it does now need to scale back considering he agrees with you it’s too much. Whilst mil is with you over the Christmas break it is probably time to start gently steering the conversation this way ‘hey mil, we’ve been sorting the new year diary and dh needs to be here with the children / he’s becoming very exhausted and we need to reduce his time on the road’ etc. She needs to understand the children are the priority and she’s welcome to fit it but needs to take more responsibility. Cheekily - How about some L Plates for Christmas?!😆

As long as the present situation continues your MIL has no incentive to change anything about her life - she will need to go out, make new friends, expand her life etc - she is a comparatively young woman and could potentially have another 20-30 years ahead of her.

I think that you and your DH have done the right thing by supporting her they way you both have (he by visiting, you by enabling - in the good sense of the term - him, and by making her welcome when she visits you for prolonged visits), but this obviously can't go on indefinitely.

You are right that you need to start cutting these visits (both ways) down. Try to do it gradually, and use the very real reason that your work won't allow it - you can't risk losing your job over this.

Cut back the frequency of his visits to her, and the duration of hers to you. It is of ultimate benefit to all of you to do this.

Alongside gradually reducing the visits, another thing to try would be next time she visits you, encourage her along to some social activities in your area with people her own age - send her along, or see if you have a neighbour who would take her with them. It might take a bit of research to find what's on, but if she begins to see that she could make new friends in your area, the idea of moving may become easier to contemplate.

@Keepitonthedownlow

I think you are being impatient, insensitive and selfish

Agree. So little empathy is being shown.

Any thoughts on how to handle? Am I a horrible person? sad What can we do to make the situation easier and help MIL without making our lives even harder?

No, you're not a horrible person. It's better that it got said, now, rather than festering. I wouldn't expect mil to move, no. Apart from anything else, it's a very recent bereavement so not a time to be making big decisions like that.
Both she and your husband are grieving so the visits are as much for his benefit as hers, I guess. I agree with suggestions that he start to bring one or both children with him, to give you a break. I don't think a three hour drive on two separate days at a weekend, is huge, tbh. And as has been said, presumably he isn't doing very much in between the journeys.
The half day thing needs to stop by the sound of it, so both of you need to discuss how that can happen. The visits need to be gradually reduced too. If MIL is staying over Christmas and into January, the next visit should be pushed out to a month from then, imo.
As I said, better it's out in the open, and discussed calmly before it became a routine, with you having to do all the work.

If you dont mind her staying then she could get the train or bus. My nan regularly travelled from up north to for reaches of south to stay with relatives on bus or train.

Other thought would be - would she considered a holiday home near yourselves if that's doable money wise?

The relative would book taxi to ger Nan to bus or train station

@Dozer

You win today’s martyr medal, mollypuss

Cheers!

Although I don’t think pointing out that driving three hours each way, once a month, is really not that long a long drive that warrants time off work makes me deserving of such high honour.

@Dozer - that’s out of order. I agree with @mollypuss1. It isn’t a big deal!

Well, you and your DH agree that it's time to space these visits out. So time for a discussion about possible options going forward. Lots of good ideas here.

What does your DH do when he's there? Is he doing the shopping, taking her to friends, out for lunch? Is it company? If he is doing lots of jobs and errands, make a list of what he does and tackle each one by one and find a new solution, that's more sustainable. I.e., if he's doing the shopping look at delivery services, or getting a big freezer for the garage etc. But definitely do all this when the three of you are together. Your MIL will probably need help to look at the options, but she can make some decisions, if you take it all out of her hands it's continuing the problem really.

Then if your DH is going to provide some company and moral support, rather than rushing around getting things done, hopefully he'll be less tired when he gets back.

Obviously, you feel bad for snapping - but none of us are perfect! If it's out of character and you've apologized, cut yourself some slack. It's stressful for you to, in different ways.

@THisbackwithavengeance

Her DH died a few months ago.

Cut her some slack.

Your DH is being a good son. Would you prefer it if he didn't give a fuck?

If you are complaining about having to look after your DCs for a few hours alone without your DH, imagine how she feels now her DH is dead?

Give her time. The situation will have changed in 6 months. At the moment any suggestion of change or effort is too overwhelming for her.

People aren't split into "good sons" on the one hand and people who "don't give a fuck" on the other! There is a balance to be struck!!

Realistically OPs DH needs to balance the needs of his mother, his wife and his children.

Additionally, poor DH! He is grieving and sounds like he is running himself ragged trying to do the right thing!

In my view His current levels of visiting swing too much in favour of his mother, to the detriment of his wife and children.

I think cutting down gradually is reasonable. His mum is an adult. Driving herself and / or getting public transport is a reasonable adjustment for her to make. As are visits every 6 weeks or so as opposed to every 3 weeks.

Might be cheaper and more convenient to pay for her to get a taxi to the nearest train station.

It's still very early days - your mother-in-law and husband are still grieving and for now I would suggest just supporting them both as you have been doing so far.

When mil is thinking more clearly I'm sure she will recognise that this situation cannot continue as it is too much for your dh and your family. Cut her some slack, imagine yourself in her position. Of course you'd want to see your child frequently for support while your loss is still so raw. She couldn't have foreseen that father-in-law would die so young. Given time, maybe she will come round to moving to be nearer to you - but it's not for the faint hearted at the best of times. If she does decide, she will need a massive amount of support to deal with the move. Also hard to move areas and leave her friends. Sorry OP, I think actually you are being a bit selfish and insensitive here - you are young and capable surely of looking after your children unaided for the weekend every three weeks? Certainly your husband can do the drive in the evening to save you having to take annual leave to pick up your child. I'm sure this situation will be time-limited anyway - all concerned in their heart of hearts know this is not sustainable - but now is not the time for you to force the issue and add to everyone's distress.

I will be in a very similar situation once one of my parents passes away. Me and dh are already pricing flats or possible buying house with granny flat so they can stay as long as they like but keep their own home.

No, I think what you said was fair enough.

I understand her not wanting to move, especially if she's lived in that house a long time with your FIL (memories) - my own Dad didn't want to move out of the family home when my mum died either.

But the driving - she needs to at least try to learn. Sounds like she's in her 60s? Not too late to learn, unless she has an undisclosed disability that would prevent her.

But your DH does also have to scale back the visits because it's not fair on him or the rest of your family - so something has to give.

I don't see anything wrong with their arrangement. He could take the kids with him after picking up the eldest dc from school on Friday. Gradually, the visits can be less frequent. I would admire him for being a caring son and a good role model to your children. If your dc are as caring as your dh, you can be sure they will be there for you when you need them in the future.

I think many of the posters on here have been lucky enough not to have the love of their life suddenly die.

2-3 months is no time at all, it probably means that the funeral was only 1-2 months ago and a sudden death could also imply an inquest which is very emotionally draining and time consuming.

Add in covid and Christmas and distance from loved ones, the grief will still be incredibly raw.

OP your MIL has lost her best friend, partner, her driver and her future plans have just gone up in smoke. It's unlikely she will be able to make any big plans about learning a new skill (such as driving) or moving house any time soon.

It's quite possible that your DH is spending his weekends trawling through Death Admin, which is a job in itself and takes ages. It also keeps things incredibly raw as you are continually talking about the dead person, typing letters and posting death certificates, clearing out cupboards and drawers, coming across photos and momentos; it's not just chilling with his mum.

His weekend visits could definitely be shortened to avoid you having to take time off work and he may be able to take the toddler (if he's not busy sorting pensions and life insurance and tax returns etc) but that may not be feasible.

Recognise OP that you are having a bad weekend one in 3. Your MIL is waking up (if she sleeps) every day alone, probably wondering if her life is worth living now her loved one has gone. That's the reality of life as a widow, be happy you haven't experienced it.

Your lack of empathy is astonishing. Your FIL died unexpectedly 12 weeks ago but you expect your MIL to learn to drive and move house FFS. Put yourself in her shoes - how would you feel if your kids demanded you did 2 huge things weeks after your DH died? This won't last for ever. Sudden bereavement is hard and you need a plan to ensure your DH doesn't do this long term, but on the basis of what you've said you've have had your kids on your own a max of 4 times. Family dying is bloody inconvenient and surprisingly there is never an ideal time for it to happen. Do you have a plan for how not to be a burden on your family should your DH die unexpectedly? No? Thought not.

@Dozer

You win today’s martyr medal, mollypuss

@Hankunamatata

I will be in a very similar situation once one of my parents passes away. Me and dh are already pricing flats or possible buying house with granny flat so they can stay as long as they like but keep their own home.

Well there's your answer OP

JUST BUY A FLAT OR A MASSIVE HOUSE 🤣🤣 PROBLEM SOLVED!

Wow, weren't you silly not to think of that before!!!!!

How would you feel if it was your bereaved mum? And your husband said that to you? Could he take the kids every other time or something if looking after them is the main issue. It’s a tricky situation all around.

I’m sorry but yabu. I understand how hard it is for you but it is nothing compared to what your poor mil and DH are going through. Grief and bereavement are hideous and in the early months it is simply a question of getting through the days. It is a time when families need to pull together not set rules and restrictions. Just imagine if it was you and your kids weren’t able to come and help you in your darkest hour.

I would suggest he takes the kids with him for the weekends away. Pick up straight from school and off they go. I'm sure MIL would love to see them and it would take her mind off her grief for a bit.
I am also very puzzled as to why he is knackered when he comes home. A three hour drive isn't a lot. Unless it's the emotional strain which is wearing him out in which case again..kids. Take their minds off the Dad.

I can see both sides here. FIL died in 2008 when he was 79 and MIL was 72. It was very sudden. The children were 9 and 12. Ever since DH has visited every month for a weekend and she was our covid bubble. She is 240 miles away. She has no-one else in the UK and they had few friends. But she started going to church, he always had, and luncheon club, book club, playreading and the hairdressers every Friday is an outing for her. It helps that she lives on the edge of a major metropolitan town.

I think visits will have to continue but not every three weeks. Little things irk me like she will not open the post because FIL dealt with all the bills. However until Covid she was able to get a taxi to the station and travel to us by train in later years with one of the children collecting her from King's Cross and accompanying her across London. She did this twice a year but is 85 now and she can't do it anymore.

Our Christmas is funked. We were going to the North and had rented a beautiful cottage for the holiday but dd, ds and his gf all have covid confirmed on Monday. DH has left this morning to spend Christmas with her otherwise she would be alone and I am staying here to spend Christmas in a septic tank of covid with the kids. We are both boostered and taking lft's daily and he wouldn't have gone otherwise. It's a huge compromise and I am pissed off but it's the right thing to do.

However we are early 60s and if anything were to happen to DH I would have no qualms to sell the house and get myself set up as independently as possible. We have talked about it. I would want to see as much of the children as possible and be as independent as possible but it would be hard.

Even if she doesn't learn to drive I would think it's essential she moves to somewhere manageable and that is in a nearby town so she can maintain as much independence as possible. I may seem more resilient because I still work full time.

It's very difficult. DH's sisters live abroad and I am an only child and we have always said we will take responsibility for each side.

Ultimately your MIL has to own the decisions which will shape her future and not feel pushed into doing x or y whilst still in the stages of early grief.

When my mum died my dad found Cruse a lifesaver. He had been my mum’s carer and hadn’t been able to do much outside of the home for a long time, so had no network. He first joined a group of very recently bereaved people and there was some element of 121 counselling I believe, and then gradually it evolved to more of a friendship group. He made new friends and developed a social network. He also joined U3A and found things of interest there. You can help her to branch out and widen her circle if she’s willing. On the other hand my ex-MIL refused point blank to help herself and expected us to devote every single weekend to her despite jobs and 3 kids, so I know how hard it can be.