Snapped at DH about widowed MIL, feeling guilty

[pinkchristmastree11]

DH and I are from opposite ends of the country, he is an only child and I have one sibling who is severely disabled.

FIL died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. He was relatively young (only just retired) and still very active. MIL is understandably devastated, they had been together since their teens. They were true soulmates, very dependant on each other and both quite introverted so had very few other friends. MIL has no other living family. She has two close friends, otherwise she doesn't work, doesn't volunteer, isn't part of any local groups, doesn't go to church etc.

She lives 3 hours away from us in a semi rural area with an unreliable bus service and doesn't drive.

DH has suggested she a) learn to drive or b) moves closer to us. Or ideally both. She won't entertain either (I don't really understand her reasons tbh).

Since FIL died DH has been going to visit MIL every third weekend and she's come to stay with us twice for 2-3 weeks at a time. As she doesn't drive, he goes to pick her up which is a six hour round trip.

She's staying with us throughout xmas/new year and last night DH was talking about his next visit in mid-Jan. For the first time, I got a bit annoyed about it. I'm totally exhausted - we have two DC of our own (toddler and primary school), no family support, and life is busy enough at the best of times. Every time he goes to MIL's I have to take a half day annual leave as he usually does pick up in the latter half of the week so I have to cover (and I don't know how much longer my work will tolerate this). Then it's a whole weekend of looking after the DC on my own, DH comes home exhausted and we are all back to work/school/childcare on Monday morning.

I basically said that MIL is a grown adult capable of making her own decisions and I respect that, but she has to accept that if she won't move closer and won't learn to drive, she isn't going to see as much of DH as she would like to and it's time to start cutting down on the frequency of the visits. DH actually agreed with me but I have been feeling so guilty ever since.

Any thoughts on how to handle? Am I a horrible person? What can we do to make the situation easier and help MIL without making our lives even harder?

@Wishimaywishimight have you missed the fact that it is the son who thinks she should learn to drive and move closer

Poor MIL is my first thought. Whether it’s 3 months or 5 months, It’s still very early days.
I think you do sound selfish too- She’s only been widowed a few months and you’re bothered about looking after your own toddler and being tired after weekend ??
However I do think that you using up your leave like this isn’t the right thing to do, so I think the angle to push is MIL arranges her own transport to you, taxi/bus then train and DH collects from train station? Also moot the prospect of DH taking the toddler for a distraction for her ?
I also wouldn’t say anything about cutting back the visits just yet, these might be the only thing she’s looking forward to.

Reading comprehension seems especially bad on here today, not just on this thread! She’s not elderly (64 really isn’t in this day and age). He passed away 5 months ago, not 2 or 3.

I think you do sound selfish too of course - that overused word again. Singularly unhelpful. I think you should apologise to the OP - I'd be exhausted looking after two children on my own too, so would you, so apologise.

I don't think yabu at all op

In fact I think u are being taken for a mug.

He sacks off his family duties leaving u to use up all your leave . What if u wanted to go visit a friend or attend a wedding of a family member etc you'd have no leave left. Just assumes you will hold the Fort. Why can't she get a bus or train?

I understand her reasons for not moving. She has a whole lot of memories there . She's just lost her life time partner. To leave her friends as well is too much for her just now. Give her time.

She can come on the train

Take it in turns

I don't think you did anything wrong.

You do get your MIL needs support. You want her to move nearer and so she can be included more in a casual, within weekly routine way and so you can be there for her. That is kind.

You also have your DC and are protecting your immediate family from stress and knock on impacts. You recognise it isn't sustainable and want to find a more sustainable way. Without abandoning or hurting anyone.

It sounds like you just need to find a balance. MIL needs help and your DH will have to keep going and you will have to keep having her to stay- but it can't be as rigidly regular and always for long periods. Can he get her into FaceTime? Is there a friend living in her town who you can talk to and ask if they can support her too?

I imagine the offer of helping her move nearer was too soon but perhaps in time she will feel more ready.

Sending . It isn't easy all round.

It is early days to start expecting MIL to make large life choices like leaving her home. Grief often makes people cling onto things - her home is tied up with all sorts of memories of her life with her husband, she's probably not ready to pack their life up and leave their home.

But it's understandable that the current set up isn't sustainable for you and your dh given your own family set up.
when my dad died, my mum didn't want to be a burden on us but equally didn't want to sit around in an empty house moping and dwelling on her loss. She joined the U3A www.u3a.org.uk/ I don't know if its set up where your MIL lives but my mum has found it invaluable, she joined groups that catered for her own interests and there's loads of options, she also joined her local WI and started volunteering in a charity shop once a week. She's made loads of new friends via all of these things and she's always out and about (pre covid). She didn't find it an easy things to do at first but I'm really proud of the way she overcame all of her fears and put herself out there.
She also adopted a rescue greyhound so she didn't feel alone when she was at home.
Although my mum can drive, most of the above were in her village and she could walk to them.
Could you suggest some of these to her? It might help her start to deal with her loss and ease the pressure on you and your dh.

It's a pity she won't learn to drive. This was over 30 years ago but my boss after retiring a year passed away. His wife who didn't drive them took it up and passed her test. We were in a small rural town and for her to walk to the shops would have been a bit too much coming back with groceries. She stuck at it even after having an accident crashing into a neighbour's wall.

OP is asking how best to help her MIL, but without OP losing her job or their family falling apart under the strain.
Of course MIL needs all the help they can give her. It will take a while. But if it takes, say, 2 years for MIL to manage on her own, if they continue as they have been doing so far then MIL will be supported but OP and dh will be falling apart and OP will be unemployed.

OP is thus reasonably wondering how to reduce that strain to managable levels until MIL needs less support.
OP, this level of support really is short-term, so it might also be worth looking into solutions that are practical in the short term too, such as getting someone in to help with the children so that your job is not at risk.

A whole weekend with your two children is too much for you? How do you think single mothers cope?
The fact you felt the need to point out it was almost five months not three shows your true colours. You are inconvenienced by your MIL’s grieving.

I've been in this situation
I visited every weekend for the first 3 months
The person really needed help physically & emotionally for the first couple of months
The person improved
I then changed to visit once a month/6 weeks, plus some extra days out & holidays & this has been ongoing for a decade

I would suggest get power of attorney in place

Get a key a spare key put into a box on the wall outside the property, key safe

If it helps, set up a local taxi account for travel

Apply for bus pass

Perhaps suggest a cleaner, gardener, window cleaner, for the work & an extra person to socialise with

Exhausting!
Yes I agree, because both people are grieving
Exhausting emotionally

Inconvenienced yet she's facilitating everything at her own personal cost

What nore do you think she should do exactly?

Fwiw if your husband leaves 7.30-8, the m25 is usually pretty clear by then.

I think she needs to get the train. And he needs to have some serious conversations with her. She's very young.

@THisbackwithavengeance

Her DH died a few months ago.

Cut her some slack.

Your DH is being a good son. Would you prefer it if he didn't give a fuck?

If you are complaining about having to look after your DCs for a few hours alone without your DH, imagine how she feels now her DH is dead?

Give her time. The situation will have changed in 6 months. At the moment any suggestion of change or effort is too overwhelming for her.

👆🏻 this

Is is being a good son, you DH sounds like a fantastic man and I hope my DS looks out for me like this when I am old. He is setting a good example to your DC and I know it's tough for you at the moment with the kids but like other pp have said it's still raw for her and for your H loosing his dad too they probably want to be in each other's company as much as possible right now. You see things in a different perspective when you lose a parent. I lost my DF when I was 21 and it's brought me and my mom so close I see her every single day (granted she lives in the next street though)
I agree it's tougher on you so there does need to be a compromise somewhere along the line from all parties but try not to snap at him OP he sounds like a good man trying to please everyone

This thread made me think of the historical Sati Hindu custom for widows. Some of the reasons were the widow would be reduced to poverty and outcast so she agreed to it and neighbours encouraged it to get the deceased man's land.. There does not seem to have been any thought that her family should care for her.

Why aren’t you all visiting her as a family? Why is your DH going alone?

Please don’t stop him visiting or drastically reduce the frequency. To be perfectly honest, every 3 weeks is not that bad if he’s an only child and all she has going on in her life. He does have a responsibility to her, like it or not, so you need to make a plan that is sustainable. He’s grieving too, remember.

My mum died last year. I feel constantly guilty that I don’t see my dad enough, but I have seen him at least weekly. He has a great support network and is very busy with activities and I am one of 3 siblings. Despite all this he is really lonely. I agree with others that having kids around helps him and us all.

So, I’d suggest -

Keep the 3-weekly visits for now. But try to get into this pattern -

Visit 1: you all go together on a Friday night (despite traffic) for the weekend. Stop for a service station dinner.

Visit 2: your DH goes alone, you don’t take annual leave so he either travels Sat a.m. early or sucks up the traffic Friday night.

Visit 3: she comes to you on the train.

You're both being reasonable, it's just the kind of horrible shit situation where no-one can get it right all the time. I agree with you though, she either needs to learn to drive (which might be something useful to focus on right now) or move closer to you, or both. Or she needs to find some other ways to feel fulfilled. It's beyond horrible for her and she has my deep sympathy, but him commuting to be with her isn't a long term solution.

I think you are lacking empathy when you say you don’t understand why she doesn’t learn to drive or move. Do you really not understand that? 😳 Learning to drive would be very daunting as a pensioner, I don’t think I would want to do that (I do drive, I mean if I couldn’t). And uprooting yourself from your home is not as easy as you seem to think either.

But as for the rest, I agree with your generally that the current arrangements are not fair on your family or sustainable. As a start MIL needs to make her own travel arrangements, be that by train, coach or by personal taxi. The length of stays also seem a bit much and need to gradually settle down into something more manageable. You were right to start the dialogue on this.

I’d keep out of it and let them decide between themselves. They’re both grieving and you making demands at such a sensitive time might permanently damage your relationships with both your DH and your MIL. Plenty of parents manage all sorts of different pick up arrangements while their other half is away, you could hire some temporary nanny help, after school clubs, employ a local student to be an extra pair of hands etc etc… you and your work refusing to be flexible isn’t really your DH’s problem. It’s always a good idea to plan for emergencies like this when one parent has to be absent.

It's a difficult one. Your MIL has had the rug pulled from underneath her in a big way.

But carrying on with the arrangements you've got now isn't sustainable long term.

I can only suggest sitting down with her in the new year and explaining this to her and seeing how you can work out a plan together to be able to keep in touch and support, but in a way that doesn't cause so much difficulty for your family.

At 64 she can definitely build a new life for herself but it will take time.

I think a few months ago is 5 mins in the process of grieving.
She should wait a year before making decisions.
Rather than snapping, a conversation with dh about reasonable way forward makes sense.
It's rubbish, been there done it!

You are perfectly justified in asking DH to scale down the visits. MIL is still relatively young. She's free to make her own decisions but it isn't up to you and DH to shield her from the consequences of those decisions. Your very young DCs are naturally your priority. MIL could see much more of them if in time she chooses to move nearer.

I think you are lacking empathy when you say you don’t understand why she doesn’t learn to drive or move

I think it can be important to distinguish that being a piss taker and being a grieving widow aren't mutually exclusive.

Of course I'm.not saying in this instance that's what's happening. But any other driving thread, well they hate non drivers. Now the consensus is usually it's fine not to drive as long as you don't regularly expect others to pick u up or drop u off.

Expecting people to accommodate the choices you made on precarious foundations was always something people deemed unreasonable.

I didn't drive until I was in my 30s however I was very self sufficient and very adept at getting where I need when I need via public transport. I happen to live somewhere where there a very good bus akd train service. Obviously if I didn't then I'd have had to learn much sooner.

Thing is everything she needs to do is not an instant thing. It took me a yr to learn to drive. It can take years to sell a house, weeks /months to build friendships etc

So how long should op give it bareing in mind this arbitrary length if time after a death its deemed acceptable to broach an issue could well still have 1 yr or 2 yrs ir 3 years added on until the solution is in full set up.

And what is the MILS usual state re time demands on others etc

Picking up on the point of travelling and traffic. If DH goes up on a Friday he gets the train and then a cab to MILS. They kept FILS old car for shopping trips etc. He can work on the train. If he drives up, he usually leaves at 6am on a Saturday morning and at that time does Surrey to Yorkshire in 3.5 hours - arrives in time for breakfast and leaves at about 7pm on a Sunday getting home before 11pm.

He manages it OK op and is only a few years younger than your MIL, 64 isn't old.