Snapped at DH about widowed MIL, feeling guilty

[pinkchristmastree11]

DH and I are from opposite ends of the country, he is an only child and I have one sibling who is severely disabled.

FIL died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. He was relatively young (only just retired) and still very active. MIL is understandably devastated, they had been together since their teens. They were true soulmates, very dependant on each other and both quite introverted so had very few other friends. MIL has no other living family. She has two close friends, otherwise she doesn't work, doesn't volunteer, isn't part of any local groups, doesn't go to church etc.

She lives 3 hours away from us in a semi rural area with an unreliable bus service and doesn't drive.

DH has suggested she a) learn to drive or b) moves closer to us. Or ideally both. She won't entertain either (I don't really understand her reasons tbh).

Since FIL died DH has been going to visit MIL every third weekend and she's come to stay with us twice for 2-3 weeks at a time. As she doesn't drive, he goes to pick her up which is a six hour round trip.

She's staying with us throughout xmas/new year and last night DH was talking about his next visit in mid-Jan. For the first time, I got a bit annoyed about it. I'm totally exhausted - we have two DC of our own (toddler and primary school), no family support, and life is busy enough at the best of times. Every time he goes to MIL's I have to take a half day annual leave as he usually does pick up in the latter half of the week so I have to cover (and I don't know how much longer my work will tolerate this). Then it's a whole weekend of looking after the DC on my own, DH comes home exhausted and we are all back to work/school/childcare on Monday morning.

I basically said that MIL is a grown adult capable of making her own decisions and I respect that, but she has to accept that if she won't move closer and won't learn to drive, she isn't going to see as much of DH as she would like to and it's time to start cutting down on the frequency of the visits. DH actually agreed with me but I have been feeling so guilty ever since.

Any thoughts on how to handle? Am I a horrible person? What can we do to make the situation easier and help MIL without making our lives even harder?

@pinkchristmastree11

It might seem harsh but people really need to think of difficult things as they get older.

Living somewhere with poor public transport when you can't drive is a choice.

I think this sums up my point really. I know it's harsh and I agree with a PP who said my timing was off but she has made those choices and they do have consequences. I'm not saying she needs to make changes immediately but I need to know that this isn't the permanent arrangement because it doesn't feel fair. But maybe I'm expecting too much too soon.

I don't think you are devoid of empathy although some commenters seem to be. Its a difficult time for everyone and you are all learning to adjust.

It took my DM between 1-2 yrs to really come to terms with living alone. That isn't an unusual timeline. She was geographically fairly isolated and hadn't been driving as DF was always happy to drive. We were all very concerned about her staying put and there were a lot of visits. however there were also more of us to share the load and she was active but in her 70s so DGC were all past toddler stage.

Around about 6 months we did have the conversation with her about getting back to driving and planning for the future - thinking about where she wanted to be. I think she needed that conversation as part of moving on and she knew she couldn't stay in that house without getting back behind the wheel.

She managed to stay in the house but she did get back to driving and she was also of a sociable nature and took up some new clubs and interests which was transformative.

There is a mid point where you need to reduce the support and she needs to make some key decisions about her future. Does she want to build a life where she is, independently of your lives or move much closer where you can provide the support without turning your lives upside down. 64 is not old enough to give up on life and she needs to plan properly.

I'm a bit at DH not being able to cope with his own children for a weekend visit to an active and able bodied 64 yr old DGM.

I totally understand the devastation of losing a spouse suddenly.

I don’t understand the relevance of this to being able to get yourself round the country in an adult way. She can still walk. I don’t see why she can’t get a train.

I don’t understand the level of incapacity in an apparently non-disabled person accepted by some women on here as if it were normal.

Goodness - my husband died 6 years ago (when I was 65), and obviously my children and I were absolutely devastated. However, I would not have allowed any of them to jeopardise their work and family lives to visit me that frequently, or to stay at their homes for several weeks at a time. I do drive though, and consider myself very independent. My offspring live 1.5 - 2 hours away, so not as far as the OP, and I can easily take myself to them when invited.
I don’t have any intention of moving, and I have a good friendship network and social life here - adults should never expect other people to provide their happiness; that is one’s own responsibility.

@ghostmouse

I think it might be quite hard to learn to drive confidently for the first time in your mid 60s, so I'd drop that, but everything else I agree with

@BerriesAndPineCones

I think it might be quite hard to learn to drive confidently for the first time in your mid 60s, so I'd drop that, but everything else I agree with

Especially when recently bereaved

@BeyondMyWits

It is not sustainable, but... if you get her to move away from her friends, you have to take their place, so be careful what you wish for.

This. My widowed mother lives with me and DH, was utterly dependent (both practically and psychologically) on my dad till he died, and now the whole weight of that dependence has been transferred on to me and I don't really have a life. It impacts my DH too. If your MIL does move nearer, that move may bring a whole set of fresh issues with it.

@NorthSouthcatlady

I don’t know where people are getting the 3 months from? Also amused by the suggestions about OP taking carers leave, making up the time at work, negotiating flexitime etc etc. I think OP has done quite already actually

Not sure where a full time working mum relying on dh to do at least one nursery pick up is going to be able to make up flexi hours easily (and taking unpaid leave to save him sitting in traffic, I wouldn’t be doing that).

Could he get up early and drive up Saturday morning, stay one night?

Do you know the 2,friends at all? I wonder if they could help.
My mum had a neighbour bereaved in her 70s who had never lived alone - her husband and mum she lived with died close together. She’d never bought shoes alone, been to opticians alone, used a bus etc. My mum acted as a sort of unpaid companion to get her up and running. She still lives a very sheltered life but can do some things.
My Mum is very comfortable on buses so is happy to travel quite far by bus and opts for bus over tube in London if she needs to change station. I wonder if coach may be less daunting than train.
Coach holidays are another way - my mum uses those to see relatives. So eg if there’s a destination near you she could book a little holiday every 6 weeks and you go to see her there. They are usually reasonable price and popular with older people.

There are some really unkind posts here today.
I think while MiL is still so recently bereaved, (and DH too) they probably want to spend time together.
There's no reason why this shouldn't include the DC, in fact having them there might distract her. Is there a reason why he can't take them? Or why you can't sometimes go as well?
Obviously you taking time off work is not a viable proposition longterm, but maybe DH can travel at a different time, or arrange for childcare. He could even drive up on Saturday and come back on Monday morning, maybe using some of his own leave. Or drive up late Fri/early Saturday.
I'm also wondering why you having the DC by yourself over the weekend is such a big deal, would it be helpful to get extra childcare or a cleaner to free up your time a bit more, if finances allow?
Longer term, MiL can start to make her own travel arrangements to come to you, and maybe she doesn't need to stay for weeks at a time if it's difficult having an extra person in the house. Do you have a spare room for her?

@ghostmouse

And this thread is why I don’t rely on anyone family or friends, I don’t want to be a burden even though I’m grieving for dh.

Id hate for anyone to come on here and slag me off after a few months of losing him and saying stuff.

Nice to know what other people think of
Widowed people, just burdens.

I'm sorry for your loss but this is a complete misrepresentation of the OP. They have been providing sole support for five months, using annual leave and significant effort to do so and its not sustainable. The DGM does need to start thinking about how to live in the future and looking at her options.

Nor is it "daft" to suggest zoom calls. Its a practical help which can be provided daily and bridge part of the distance and loneliness.

Nobody is pretending its the same as living next door but the DGM isn't living next door and apparently hasn't made been made any local friends. She has left herself entirely dependent for support on one person living several hours away. That isn't fair on either side.

People might think I’m harsh but I’ve had this situation on my family and unless you draw boundaries early on it becomes harder and harder as it continues. And the harm will be to you and your family.

It is not harsh to prioritise your family so that you can still give support in the future rather than bleed yourselves dry now.

I’d also wonder if she has additional needs. Autism etc. Masked by years of living quietly with her DH. It’s unusual for a woman of working age to need chauffeuring door to door.

@Dixiechickonhols

I’d also wonder if she has additional needs. Autism etc. Masked by years of living quietly with her DH. It’s unusual for a woman of working age to need chauffeuring door to door.

She’s 60 +, not working age. Not uncommon in women of that generation

She's 64, just over 10 years older than myself. The only acquaintance of my age that doesn't drive passed her test, but then lived in London for so long that she just got out of the way of doing it.

I don't expect the MIL thought she'd be a widow for a long number of years, if indeed at all. Therefore I don't think big decisions like moving should be rushed at this point, but it's also important than frequency and duration of visits along with mode of transport don't get baked in stone, otherwise it will be hard to shift them a year later.

What is MIL like as a person ? Could you talk to her about the possibility of her doing the taxi/train combo ( although perhaps suggest that she waits until the covid numbers go down). There must be a way to continue to support MIL without it being such a drain on your own energies and family life.

Totally uncommon as far as I'm concerned. I'm quite a few years older than her, as are all my friends. We drive all over the country, drive in Europe regularly, catch trains anywhere and everywhere, go hiking in National parks, arrange exciting holidays (covid permitting) and generally make the most of life.
So... totally and utterly wrong to write off 60+ year olds like that!

She needs frequent and gentle coaxing to try new things at some point, probably too early yet.

But definitely in time

It’s really is uncommon in 60 year olds. Which is indeed working age - I get my state pension at 67.

I have a very large social and businesses circle and I only know one woman of my age who doesn’t drive.

I agree it’s more common in my parents generation, who are now in their late 80s 90s.

Some people don’t seem to be able to differentiate between 60 and 90 . It’s like 5 years olds who see everyone as a grown up.

60 year olds are out there running the country, businesses , staffing the NHS, being head teachers and lawyers, accountants and refuse collectors. They are doing marathons and being triathletes. They are not all sitting at home knitting and waiting to die.

3 months really is nothing when you lose your spouse, I am still a mess but a quiet mess, I couldn’t think straight or sleep. I was physically and mentally ill.

Most people on here have never suffered this type of loss so it’s hard to imagine yourself in our shoes.

And yes zoom calls, no help whatsoever. I found them even harder, and I’m perfectly capable of driving, using tech etc etc. I work. But zoom calls make me feel even more lonely. I need physical interaction, an adults touch, a hug, to actually see someone.

I’m 44. So I’m relatively young so goodness knows how people much older than me are faring.

3 months is nothing.if you really are struggling then let your dh and mil grieve and sort things out together.

Some of the comments here are complete shit. If it was the DW that lost her dad and wanted to visit her mum and DH was complaining about watching the kids etc these comments would be full of LTB! It’s all still so new for your MIL and DH, give it some time. Families are supposed to come together in times of tragedy, it won’t last forever.

Tractorsndheadphones she’s 64 working age. Retirement state pension is 66 now I think. My main boss is a lady in her early 60s.
Another idea is DH finds a spot half way between you - easy to get to on bus or train. Once a month him and children meet her there for lunch/park etc. Not onerous on either side.

I suspect your DH is feeling a sense of relief because now it can be your decision to cut contact down rather than his, I bet he’s wanted to do it for a while.

I can understand why MIL doesn’t want to move house. It’s a massive upheaval at the best of times but she’s grieving and I imagine she has lots of memories attached to her home. Not sure about the driving, it’s hard to judge without knowing her reasons for not wanting to. You ultimately can’t force her to learn but you will have to tell her DH can’t visit as often because it’s 6 hours driving and uses a lot of his energy.

3 months really is nothing when you lose your spouse, I am still a mess but a quiet mess, I couldn’t think straight or sleep. I was physically and mentally ill.
3 months is no time. Please don't feel like you'd burdening anyone, there is a balance between leaning on others and high expectations.
I can see from your post you're an independent person, this time of year is especially hard for anyone grieving lean on those you love.

@TractorAndHeadphones someone of 60+ was born in the 1960s or at the most late fifties. I am 56, my youngest only left school last year and I was only 37 when I had him . Someone if 60 years old still has seven years until they can draw their state pension , it is not old .

My mother was widowed five years ago and she is 80 and still driving and independent. It’s hard though after a lifetime of being married.

@FestiveFruitloop that is why, when we moved DM, she moved Ito retirement flats, which do social activities etc so made new friends. She previously lived rurally so wasn't practical for her to stay where she lived, she was at the stage when she needed to give up driving and public transport was dire.

She is quite an introvert, but has a nice mix of being able to mix with some people, see us and have quiet time in her flat.