Snapped at DH about widowed MIL, feeling guilty

[pinkchristmastree11]

DH and I are from opposite ends of the country, he is an only child and I have one sibling who is severely disabled.

FIL died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. He was relatively young (only just retired) and still very active. MIL is understandably devastated, they had been together since their teens. They were true soulmates, very dependant on each other and both quite introverted so had very few other friends. MIL has no other living family. She has two close friends, otherwise she doesn't work, doesn't volunteer, isn't part of any local groups, doesn't go to church etc.

She lives 3 hours away from us in a semi rural area with an unreliable bus service and doesn't drive.

DH has suggested she a) learn to drive or b) moves closer to us. Or ideally both. She won't entertain either (I don't really understand her reasons tbh).

Since FIL died DH has been going to visit MIL every third weekend and she's come to stay with us twice for 2-3 weeks at a time. As she doesn't drive, he goes to pick her up which is a six hour round trip.

She's staying with us throughout xmas/new year and last night DH was talking about his next visit in mid-Jan. For the first time, I got a bit annoyed about it. I'm totally exhausted - we have two DC of our own (toddler and primary school), no family support, and life is busy enough at the best of times. Every time he goes to MIL's I have to take a half day annual leave as he usually does pick up in the latter half of the week so I have to cover (and I don't know how much longer my work will tolerate this). Then it's a whole weekend of looking after the DC on my own, DH comes home exhausted and we are all back to work/school/childcare on Monday morning.

I basically said that MIL is a grown adult capable of making her own decisions and I respect that, but she has to accept that if she won't move closer and won't learn to drive, she isn't going to see as much of DH as she would like to and it's time to start cutting down on the frequency of the visits. DH actually agreed with me but I have been feeling so guilty ever since.

Any thoughts on how to handle? Am I a horrible person? What can we do to make the situation easier and help MIL without making our lives even harder?

It depends a lot on what age MIL is as to if it's reasonable to expect her to learn to drive.

I think it's absolutely right to start rethinking the arrangements, you all sound exhausted. Like others I'm wondering why DH can't drive in the evening or Saturday morning, or if there are some options to pick up MIL half way if she can use public transport.

It's all pretty recent, but it would seem logical for DH to start visiting every 4 weeks say rather than every 3 and/or make visits shorter. One to discuss with MIL at Christmas, I'm sure she wouldn't want her DS and DIL to be run ragged, now that the first phase of bereavement has passed.

I appreciate it must be hard for your husband and MIL but everything can’t revolve around her forever. I would nip the annual leave thing in the bud, you will burn through a chunk of your annual a this rate. She needs to start getting public transport or you will be stuck forever being her chauffeur. Husband takes 1 or both the children with him, rather than leaving them with you. It’s fine if MIL doesn’t want to move but she needs to make effort and appreciate you have a busy life with young children

It is very early days still and hopefully she will make some connections in her community and not need to visit so often over the coming months. My mother could drive and always had, when my father died ( they were both 63 at the time) she gave up driving and spent the next 29 years expecting us to drive her everywhere. She would announce she was too frightened to travel alone on the train, was miserly about taxis, when she had saved the costs of her car. Please do not let this situation develop for you, OP, we wish we had nipped it in the bud in our family.

If this had been going on for a few years I could see OP’s point. But it’s a few months! Mil has been knocked for six, and ime of my dm, the loss of chauffeur is one of the worst aspects! (Somewhat joking….)

Things like relocating need a lot of thought. Dm moved near dsis, and it was a terrible mistake for various (multiple thread) reasons. and I also know a woman who moved near her ds and dil, and the dil excluded her from everything, so he woman had moved 200 miles and never saw her gc or even ds.

We had similar 10 years ago, DH visited MIL 300 miles a away a lot after FIL died. It was a real issue. I think you were right to say that to your DH, it’s not sustainable. Things we did were MIL using trains, buses and taxis (which was a big thing for her) to get to the local train station where I could pick her up easily. MIL being helpful with the DC when she was at our house, she did a lot for both of them and made endless drinks for all of us and loads of cleaning. DH taking one DC with him when visiting MIL for the weekend and using the train for the journey and hiring a car he picked up from the railway station when he was at MILs, so the driving didn’t exhaust him. And over time the number of visits did get less, which helped too. DH was also able to agree with his work that he could work from home one day every 2 weeks, and later every month, which meant he could get to MIL’s more easily that day after work without the daily commute too.

You are right that this isn't sustainable
Separate the issues
MIL may not be ready to move - yet - but she might in time
Can she not get a taxi to the nearest train stations? She might not be ready yet - I can see why she might need a bit of cosseting and your DH might want to cosset

If he does want to do that, he needs to sort out the pick up/work situation and set off at 7 that night or early in the morning. Separate that out and deal with that first, and plan his visits alongside the plans for you and the DC to have some support.

Don't discuss it now over Christmas with all the amplified emotion abounding - Post Xmas and having got through the first one without FIL it is likely to be easier.

Surely the obvious answer here is that he packs the toddler in the car, picks up the primary school child and takes them for a visit to grandma?

If he takes them over other visit, then on the visit he goes alone he switches a pick up day with you (I.e. he does pick up earlier in the week).

@THisbackwithavengeance

Her DH died a few months ago.

Cut her some slack.

Your DH is being a good son. Would you prefer it if he didn't give a fuck?

If you are complaining about having to look after your DCs for a few hours alone without your DH, imagine how she feels now her DH is dead?

Give her time. The situation will have changed in 6 months. At the moment any suggestion of change or effort is too overwhelming for her.

Totally agree with this.

I understand the situation you are in, it was very similar for MIL when FIL died - she was also in another part of the country but much older (85).

It’s much too soon after her bereavement for her to be thinking about major live decisions like moving house.

Thank you for all the comments! Quite a range of views. I can see both sides.

Too many to respond individually but just to pick up on some points.

When she comes to you, she needs to get a taxi to the train station and then get a train closer to you.

I agree. This would make a huge difference to us. This feels like a reasonable next step.

You need to say, that you don't have enough annual leave to keep taking half a day every 3 weeks.

Agree with this too. The reason DH avoids driving on Friday evening is because the traffic is often really bad (m25) so a 3 hour journey turns into 5. But taking annual leave isn't really sustainable.

Could he take the kids every other time or something if looking after them is the main issue.

This is a good idea and I'll suggest it but honestly I think he'll be really unhappy at this suggestion. The toddler is at a tricky age and I think he'll find it tough to manage on top of supporting his mum. She's not very proactive about helping.

@Notonthestairs

We did something similar after my mum died. But we all went every other weekend.

It was madness really but i would say that it helped me as much as my Dad come to terms with the loss and change to my family.

We gradually spaced out the visits and he got the hang of living alone. What helped is that he is very gregarious and joined every club going. He's now feeling more resistant has reduced his activities.

I can see why you'd be totally frazzled. I'd strongly advise not making any significant life changes for the first year - they really do need time to process such a big loss.

This. I have been at the both ends of loss and i would say that a gentle conversation need to be had about your constant taking of leave being unsustainable in the longer term but I think you have to do it for a little longer and gradually taper off. Its generally thought that moving in the first year is not a good idea and from experience I agree...also you don't say what age she is. I am not saying that learning to drive when older is impossible but its certainly much harder. Can I also say (again from both ends of the experience) that what your Mil needs now is support and not life changing practical solutions. Its time to be kind to your Mil and husband.

My mother had to face lockdown alone just three months after my father died and she managed at 82. I visited when I could. We used FaceTime a lot.

I think OP’s MIL could manage with less of the family’s time now.

My very independent DM said during the first year she was basically just surviving after my DF died. I agree that most commenters on here have not experienced a sudden loss in their family. Give her time.

Facing lockdown alone is not comparable and it's not a competition. My DM did too, 9 months after DF died and being alone day aftery day had a very negative impact on her mental health even though she 'managed'. Everyone is different.

I think he'll be really unhappy at this suggestion. The toddler is at a tricky age and I think he'll find it tough to manage on top of supporting his mum. She's not very proactive about helping.

Jesus. He needs to step up.

also you don't say what age she is

She is 64.

It’s much too soon after her bereavement for her to be thinking about major live decisions like moving house.

I do think this is right, we are being too hasty. To be fair to DH he really hasn't pushed it, it came up in conversation (as lots of people have been asking her if it is something she would consider) and she was adamant that she won't.

It is very early days still and hopefully she will make some connections in her community and not need to visit so often over the coming months.

I am hoping against hope that this will happen and I would like to be pleasantly surprised. But I'm not sure it will. She is very shy and introverted and barely even knows her neighbours.

agree with PP that it will scale back overtime - particularly if DH has agreed this needs to happen.
I agree that expecting her to leave the family home while she is still greiving is a bug ask - one that she may not be ready for.

In the meantime, depends on your role, but can you not ask for flexible hours or unpaid carers leave? - assuming 9-5 ish hours, 2-3 hours once a month can't be too hard to "make up" the time.

If FIL died shortly after retirement, presumably MIL is a similarish age - mid 60s - 70? If she doesn't want to iup sticks and move close to you, then a move to a town close to her (with shops, public trasnport, clubs and avritities) would future proof her independence for way longer than living rurally.

both towns where my Dad lived when elderly and less able had a volunteer car service with a low cost mileage rate or "pay what you can" - lots cheaper than cabs. Maybe DH could look at services in her local area - if she's only in her 60's, encourage her to investigate.

It's still very early days so I think you are being a bit U.

3 months ago is still so raw. Instead of every 3rd week could your DH visit every month for 2 months, then move it to every 5 weeks for a couple of months then every 6 weeks, which he could do over a half term. Why don't you all go over a half term, instead of you and children staying home? You are married to a good man.

Do you have a plan for how not to be a burden on your family should your DH die unexpectedly?

I think this was a but uncalled for but I'll respond anyway. Yes I do, because my only family are my MIL who lives 3 hours away and doesn't drive, and my parents who live 2 hours away and are carers for my severely disabled sibling. So yes, I do have a plan.

My own parents downsized to a bungalow where they retired so they could be closer to public transport links and amenities. They also have up to date wills and plans in place for how my sibling can be supported if they die.

Actually I don't think any of that is an unreasonable expectation.

3 months ago is still so raw. Instead of every 3rd week could your DH visit every month for 2 months, then move it to every 5 weeks for a couple of months then every 6 weeks, which he could do over a half term. Why don't you all go over a half term, instead of you and children staying home? You are married to a good man.

I think all of this is good advice (although he actually died closer to 5 months ago, not sure where people are getting 3!)

Every time he goes to MIL's I have to take a half day annual leave as he usually does pick up in the latter half of the week so I have to cover (and I don't know how much longer my work will tolerate this)
This is simply not tenable; if it goes on you will lose your job. Don't allow that to happen. It could be the top of a slippery slope of dependency on your dh that could end up in one or both of you losing respect for the other. Your dh should not be putting your earning capacity at risk in this thoughtless way, and this is how you need to present it to him; not as him kindly making allowances for you.

Tough if he’s not happy about taking the children with him. I doubt your happy about weekends of solo parenting and burning through your annual leave

She’s 64?! When most of us are that age then we will still be working full time! I have family member a few years older than that, my mother is super keen for me to do x, y and z for her. She’s capable but my mum thinks l should step in but l have declined as l have my own life. So instead with bad grace my mum has stepped in herself. She’s making a rod for her own back but she doesn’t seem to recognise it. No significant physical or mental health issues

I don’t know where people are getting the 3 months from? Also amused by the suggestions about OP taking carers leave, making up the time at work, negotiating flexitime etc etc. I think OP has done quite already actually