Snapped at DH about widowed MIL, feeling guilty

[pinkchristmastree11]

DH and I are from opposite ends of the country, he is an only child and I have one sibling who is severely disabled.

FIL died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. He was relatively young (only just retired) and still very active. MIL is understandably devastated, they had been together since their teens. They were true soulmates, very dependant on each other and both quite introverted so had very few other friends. MIL has no other living family. She has two close friends, otherwise she doesn't work, doesn't volunteer, isn't part of any local groups, doesn't go to church etc.

She lives 3 hours away from us in a semi rural area with an unreliable bus service and doesn't drive.

DH has suggested she a) learn to drive or b) moves closer to us. Or ideally both. She won't entertain either (I don't really understand her reasons tbh).

Since FIL died DH has been going to visit MIL every third weekend and she's come to stay with us twice for 2-3 weeks at a time. As she doesn't drive, he goes to pick her up which is a six hour round trip.

She's staying with us throughout xmas/new year and last night DH was talking about his next visit in mid-Jan. For the first time, I got a bit annoyed about it. I'm totally exhausted - we have two DC of our own (toddler and primary school), no family support, and life is busy enough at the best of times. Every time he goes to MIL's I have to take a half day annual leave as he usually does pick up in the latter half of the week so I have to cover (and I don't know how much longer my work will tolerate this). Then it's a whole weekend of looking after the DC on my own, DH comes home exhausted and we are all back to work/school/childcare on Monday morning.

I basically said that MIL is a grown adult capable of making her own decisions and I respect that, but she has to accept that if she won't move closer and won't learn to drive, she isn't going to see as much of DH as she would like to and it's time to start cutting down on the frequency of the visits. DH actually agreed with me but I have been feeling so guilty ever since.

Any thoughts on how to handle? Am I a horrible person? What can we do to make the situation easier and help MIL without making our lives even harder?

@cptartapp

What you say is right. Doesn't sound like MIL has made any plans for what she would do if FIL went first, which was always a 50% chance. No foresight, no preparation for the life she would live and how she would manage. Now she will reap the consequences or have to make different choices. I can't believe she is happy to impose herself and have your busy DH run around after her like this! Indefinitely? It isn't she who should be feeling guilty and sadly the fact it doesn't would taint my opinion of them as a parent. Her wants don't trump yours.

This is very harsh. He was only just retired and it was unexpected. Reap the consequences? At what point do you start thinking about what you'd do? My mum died at 64, relatively young and fit. I don't think they'd thought about it. They were fit enough to be looking forward to a long and happy retirement full of holidays.

OP the best of luck to you. I hope you get something sorted

You’re not wrong in your thinking, but your timing is awfully off. She’s not long lost her soulmate, he’s lost his father, it’s Christmas when emotions run high for everyone. Let it go for a while longer. A few months is nothing in grief terms, and you’re already asking her to move out of the home she shared with the love of her life? Give her a break.

She might change her mind over time.

My mum sounds just like your MIL - my dad died 16 years ago now and it wasn't a 3 hour trip each way just an hour but after having DS 9 years ago and always being the one having to go to her I basically said she needed to move nearer or see much less of us and I then visited a lot less.

She resisted for a couple of years but finally made the decision to move. She now lives down the road. Just as well really as she had a couple of spells of ill health not long after and there was no way I could've supported as much had she been in her old house.

Essentially she had to decide for herself after realising she didn't like see us less.

I guess people are guessing 3 months as the OP says he died "a few months ago".

Don’t feel guilty, it’s completely unsustainable.

Also I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable for DH to take one or both children with him. You can look after them on your own so he should be able to.

It might be a nice distraction for MIL too

You cannot tell how the situation will 'develop' for want of a better word. Your MIL may never recover from Dh's death but for her to carry on living she will need to make changes - probably sell her house asap and move to a flat near you or friends which is near a bus stop with regular service and also probably a train and which is near a health centre and supermarket i.e. within walking distance of all this services. She may never learn to drive but hopefully can.These are the practicalities.

probably sell her house asap
This is absolutely not recommended in the first year after the death of a spouse.

Do you have a plan for how not to be a burden on your family should your DH die unexpectedly? No? Thought not.

Everyone I know with a small family network/one child has a plan on what they’re going to do when their DP dies because they know the burden will fall on one person otherwise. It’s the sensible thing to do surely?

Could he take the kids every other time or something if looking after them is the main issue.

This is a good idea and I'll suggest it but honestly I think he'll be really unhappy at this suggestion. The toddler is at a tricky age and I think he'll find it tough to manage on top of supporting his mum. She's not very proactive about helping.

So what does Dh actually do there? Sounds like he has lots of free time to watch TV and surf the internet, whilst your juggling small kids?

Terribly cruel and selfish towards your MIL are you always this possessive? Why must he cut down the visits, every 3 weeks isn't often?

OP,

Your husband needs to get a grip.

He can't deal with a tricky toddler but you can look after both all weekend?

He probably has a nice break with his mum fussing over him.

Of course this is tough on his mum, but it's certainly no laugh for you either.

I think you need a weekend away, leaving him with BOTH children so he has an idea of what it is like for YOU every 3 weeks.

Agree its too much. No more taking annual leave to facilitate it. Its madness. I'd visit less, so Xmas, Easter and summer holidays. I certainly wouldn't be making a 6 hour journey every third weekend. Why on earth's she coming mid January, when she's coming over Christmas?! You have to explain to your husband that it's all too much and you don't want her to come again until x date. Seeing less of you both should encourage her to move closer to you.

What about suggesting that he goes for 1 night not 2 and make that once a month? So he leaves mid way through Saturday- they have dinner together, brunch Sunday and he's back for Sunday teatime.

Zoom/Teams calls on the other weekends.

I really think it will naturally slow down as the months roll on and spring arrives. And she might move closer of her own accord.

Absolutely she should be looking in to local widowers groups.

What often happens to women like your MIL is that they do start making friends because their need to stay glued to their house is gone.
If the MIL is kept dependent on your DH for all her socialising needs then that won't happen.
She can enjoy her own community life (a bit tricky in lockdown) but surely there is transport or she could learn to drive?
I can see her reasons for not wanting to move nearer you. This is good, it means she values staying in her own home and her own community. Build on that.
It's your DH's own need and feelings of guilt that is building this dynamic between them where he's compelled to go down there so often.

Your MIL is of course getting over a huge shock and total change to her life but she is NOT an old lady at 64. As a 62 year old, everyone I know is either working or just retired, but leading an active life, drives or travels independently and quite often is still supporting elderly relatives themselves. I think now is the time to step back very gradually so she can build her new life and make her own decisions, with the support of your DH and yourself. She is lucky in that she does have supportive family but what you are doing is clearly not sustainable and will likely have an impact on your own family unit if it carries on.

At 64 she will need to start making her own life, she could have many years ahead of her. Obviously, it is still very early days. They do say you shouldn't make any major decisions within a year of a bereavement, although we did move move my DM nearer to us within 6 months of DF dying, but she was in her mid 80s. So moving nearer to you might be a possibility in the future especially if she doesn't have a huge network of friends/social life where she is.

Learning to drive may be a step too far if she is has never shown any interest in that before. But she will need to use taxis, or possibly community transport if there is something like that near where she lives.

My DM moved into retirement flat when moved closer to us, so she could build up a network of friends, so didn't have to completely rely on us for social interaction. They are also usually close to amenities, so don't need to rely on driving or buses. This may be an option for your MIL

I agree with you @pinkchristmastree11 and with @Luredbyapomegranate.

The people asking if you MIL can use public transport or technology have clearly missed that she is middle aged and not 90. The Op says that her late FIL had just retired and was very active. So let’s assume that FIL retired somewhere between 55 and 65 and that MIL is the same age or slightly younger.

So she’s most likely early 60s and as you say is a competent adult who will no doubt live another 30 years .

This is the same age as me . I’m nearly 60 and a few months ago my husband of over 25 years ran off with someone else leaving me and our 3 kids - two at school and one at college.

I also live in a rural area . But I worked PT ( 4 days a week ) and now I’ve had to go up to 6 days a week because I need the money. I’d love to join clubs / book groups etc but I don’t have the time right now. And of course I drive.

I’m not saying my situation is the same as the Ops MIL, it’s not. But it has similarities and I do think that the MILs choices have been poor ones that lack foresight ( not working, driving or having any social life apart from her husband ).

She knew that she only had one child, who didn’t live near . And she knew that she was totally dependent on her husband. It’s not reasonable to expect to transfer that dependency onto her son.

So now MIL has to make some other choices and plan the rest of her life. Because expecting her son and DIL to stop their lives to run around after her is totally unreasonable.

Yes it’s hard to make changes. It’s a shock when the life that you planned for yourself falls apart. But it’s been months not days and she needs to make plans for a fresh start in 2022.

OP your husband needs to sit down and talk to her about this when she’s with you, perhaps after Christmas . Yes by All means wean her off gradually . But things need to change.

1. Your job - your husband needs to do the nursery pick ups at the start of the weeks so you don’t need to take annual leave at all.

1. MIL needs to get a lift or a taxi to the the station and then take the bus / train to where you live .

1. When MIL visits you she needs to help with the children / housework - I’m assuming that she’s more than capable of playing with your school aged child and babysitting at least a few nights so that you and Dh can go out together.

1. Cut her visits to you down to say 9-10 days then maybe a week every 2-3 months . As you are both at work , what does she do all day when she stays at your house?

1. Your Dh can visit her for a weekend every few months and take one or both children with him. A three hour journey is fine if they have screens to watch . Or he could start the journey at 7pm and I assume your toddler will sleep all the way there.

1. Your MIL need to learn to drive - whether she l continues living where she does or moves house , it’s an essential skill for most adults ( unless you live in the middle of London or similar ).

1. Her son needs to Encourage her to book up some lessons now as good instructors are booked up months in advance. Once she’s had a few weeks/ months of lessons, see if she can be put on your insurance so she can practice when she comes to visit you. Usually this is very cheap for learners and expensive when they pass their test. I’m assuming that her late husband car is still at their home and that it’s suitable for he to drive .

1. Her son must Encourage her to build up a better social life where she lives. I know it’s hard with covid - I’m in the same situation that most of my social activities outside the home are still off / restricted by Covid. It’s not easy but she’s not really got an option , unless she wants to sit home alone 24/7.

1. Encourage her to start volunteering , take up a sport and/ or get a part time job. There’s lots happening , even in semi rural areas. The key issue here is learning to drive - that will open up so many options. In the meantime she will have to take taxis.

I wonder how many of those who have posted quite harshly have ever been widowed in old age themselves.

Every third weekend you have to be with your own children? They're you're own kids, not dragons. How do you think single parents and military spouses cope?

Your husband is exhausted because he spent a few hours on the road? What's he driving, a rickshaw? His mum can't be that exhausting either, she's physically and mentally capable.

I can't see why you'd deny a lonely older lady a bit of company at a tough time in her life.

Yes, you are being unkind.

64 isn't old age

Yabu. She needs him now. Advice is always to leave it a year after bereavement before making major life changes. Are there any bereavement groups local to her, they helped my Dad when my mum died?

I've been here with DM when her DH died a few years ago - what I found was that for about maybe a year after he dies she only seemed able to think about her own needs, and not how what she wanted / needed would impact on anyone else. So if you offered a solution to something that wasn't exactly how she wanted it to go, it would be declined. For example, we lived far away, and despite her driving perfectly well, she wanted to be picked up and dropped off for any visits - a 10 hour round trip each time and I work f/t. Public transport wouldn't be considered, even halfway, the ONLY solution was us going to fetch her. She got upset that people stopped phoning her to see how she was after a few months as 'no one cares about me I'm all alone', but the suggestion that she could call people for a chat was met with 'oh no I can't do that, they should be calling me'. And various other similar scenarios.

To give you hope, it did get much better and she is now pretty independent, but I did have to be quite firm to get her to see she needed to take some responsibility for herself and we couldn't do everything for her (she was only late 60s). There was lots of 'who is going to look after me now DH is gone??', they were also joined at the hip, and I think she had got so used to their roles in the relationship she was immediately searching for someone else to fill the gap he had left, which isn't feasible at all for adult children with their own busy lives.

I wish you luck OP, you do need to put some boundaries down now, gently and gradually, otherwise it will just become the norm, and you will be stuck with the arrangements for a long time!

Is he going over to help her with anything, or just to keep her company?

If it's just for company, can he cut back on some of the in-person visits and do video calls? You'd still have to give him space to talk to her, but he'd save on the commute/annual leave.

@Walkingthedog46 I know - my jaw is dropping at some of the responses. Essentially, it's been a few months, she needs to pull herself together, start driving, get out there and socialise etc. No compassion at all for the utterly gut wrenching, stomach churning, life altering devastation this woman, and her son, are dealing with.

Why can’t he take the kids with him?

It is only a few months since she lost her husband, yes start to cut down a bit, but just remember she is grieving, and it’s now been suggested that she moves out of the home she has shared with her husband, move miles away from everything she knows, so in fact everything she has known this time last year has been taken from her suddenly

Give her time to come round to the idea, start to reduce the weekend visits, but I do t see why he can’t take the kids