Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to hostess

481 replies

SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 06:51

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bubblty · 22/12/2021 06:52

You made it pretty clear from the start. Ignore his family

ClaryFairchild · 22/12/2021 06:53

Well yeah, you are. Why can't you both host together occasionally?

ChubbyMorticia · 22/12/2021 06:54

YANBU. You've made your boundary clear. If he chooses to host, he's free to do so, and you'll support him in that effort (booze and snacks).

Unless it's your DH complaining, then I'd ignore it. Sounds like his extended family wants someone to do all the work for them, and have decided since you have the uterus, it's your job.

frogswimming · 22/12/2021 06:54

By host do you mean cook the dinner? My dh does that. Do your dh's family think only women should cook?

saoirse31 · 22/12/2021 06:55

Of course you do realise that you don't have to be your mother in terms of how doing Christmas dinner ruins Christmas? It's actually possible to enjoy making Christmas dinner !voted yanbu though as do what works for you, and ignore what DHs family think. Who told you tho? DH?

ChubbyMorticia · 22/12/2021 06:56

I'd add, if the kids were complaining about you disappearing for a nap on Christmas Day, I'd reassess then too.

But people outside your DH and kids? Nah, none of them get a vote in how our house runs.

PersonaNonGarter · 22/12/2021 06:56

You don’t sound great, but on the other hand you aren’t imposing on anyone.

Not surprised you are being judged on your immovable ‘Christmas Day nap’ but you do you.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 22/12/2021 06:57

Good for you. I'm not being that martyr either.

Kbyodjs · 22/12/2021 06:58

It’s funny as I bet if he took that approach then it would never occur to his family to say he’s lazy.
Does he make Christmas dinner and clean up after? How does he feel about how the day goes?
I do get your point of view and how the way your mum was spoilt Christmas but I’m trying to work out if the day works for him too. What his family think doesn’t really matter if he’s happy with it.

TheMilkyWeigh · 22/12/2021 06:58

I think YABU to suggest that people can come round but then to go off to bed. I would feel very awkward as an invited guest if an adult in the house was in bed. Are the guests supposed to be quiet? No music or TV? No laughing? I’d feel very awkward and would be concerned that I’d end up waking the person up.

Billandben444 · 22/12/2021 07:00

YABU. it doesn't have to be a stressful day - you're not your mother. How will your children remember their Christmases when they're adults? Mum opted out every year and retired to bed when it suited her? If you've got the chutzpah to behave like this then talk to his family and explain your reasoning - it probably won't change their opinion though.

Original poster
SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 07:01

I'm not cooking a full roast and all the trimmings - I don't even eat meat. For the record, dh is happy to eat whatever I make and isn't fussed if there's no roast, he knows where the kitchen is and is quite capable of cooking. But it seems my sils think this is my sly way of skivving off and leaving them to host in our house. My post Xmas dinner food coma only lasts an hour at most,and I think it's quite reasonable. The children are all fed and happy to play with their presents, and I'm usually knackered, so it's a win win I think.

OP posts:
SeanMean · 22/12/2021 07:03

You do sound pretty lazy and selfish to me.

Your poor DH….ever hear of teamwork?

Original poster
SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 07:03

I should add most of the time no one even knows I've gone for a nap- they assume I'm in the kitchen or cleaning somewhere.

OP posts:
MatildaIThink · 22/12/2021 07:03

It depends what you mean by host, if you mean do everything whilst everyone else sits around then YANBU, if you mean refuse to lift a finger whilst others help then YABU, if it is somewhere in the middle then it depends.

ChubbyMorticia · 22/12/2021 07:04

@SecondSwitch

I'm not cooking a full roast and all the trimmings - I don't even eat meat. For the record, dh is happy to eat whatever I make and isn't fussed if there's no roast, he knows where the kitchen is and is quite capable of cooking. But it seems my sils think this is my sly way of skivving off and leaving them to host in our house. My post Xmas dinner food coma only lasts an hour at most,and I think it's quite reasonable. The children are all fed and happy to play with their presents, and I'm usually knackered, so it's a win win I think.
So why don't the SILs host in their own homes then?

Sounds like something your DH should be handling.

WiganDiva · 22/12/2021 07:04

Do you ever go to anyone else’s or are you always at yours?

If your DH is onboard then it’s fine.

Totalwasteofpaper · 22/12/2021 07:05

Yanbu but I think peeling a couple of potatoes would be nice.

In terms of SILs honestly just smile amd talk about how lucky you are to have such am amazing husband. Then give a big smug grin.

Original poster
SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 07:05

@SeanMean, yes I have heard of teamwork - did you miss the bit where I said I do ALL the Christmas shopping and cook all the children's favorite food? Dh doesn't mind cleaning up at all.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 22/12/2021 07:06

Do you ever get invited elsewhere on Christmas day?

WiganDiva · 22/12/2021 07:07

So you do cook, just not the traditional lunch? And you say anyone’s welcome, this is what we’re having?

GemmaRuby · 22/12/2021 07:09

You’ve got the right idea, and I applaud you.

But you can’t be surprised about how your SILs perceive your enlightenment when so many women still do what your mother did and consider it part of their duty of being a woman. And I think a lot of the comments here will reflect that too.

Perhaps they’re resentful that you’ve “got away with” bucking the trend while they’re still doing wife work.

LadyCampanulaTottington · 22/12/2021 07:09

I think you’re exactly like your mother but at opposite ends of the spectrum. By actively trying to be unlike your mother you’re making Christmas a miserable affair for your family.

Kids will remember that Mum “didn’t do Christmas”, no traditions and took off to bed for a nap. I think you’ve created a stick to beat yourself with.

I’m all for boundaries but they don’t sound like they’ve been built on a healthy foundation.

GiveOverIrene · 22/12/2021 07:09

Your relations seem pretty lazy to me, expecting to be hosted every year. Why don't they invite you to theirs, and then you can stand in judgement?

Ylvamoon · 22/12/2021 07:13

Nope you don't have to cook I understand that. Although making a roast isn't that difficult or time consuming as long as you do the prep. Maybe you should try it one year?
Going for a nap isn't something I would do. To me, Christmas Day is fairly time- helping kids build their new toys, playing games or watching movies.
My DH "overslept" several Christmases due to being on permanent nights and napping in the daya as a result. It is miserable & lonly for your partner and DC.

Swipe left for the next trending thread