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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to hostess

481 replies

SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 06:51

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
Onlinedilema · 22/12/2021 07:46

It's sounds fab op.
Of course people are capable of getting their own drinks. If the in laws don't like it then hey, they can stay in their our bloody house!
I spent far too many years running around after my ex in laws at Christmas, wish I hadn't.
Always having to be at their beck and call, it's draining.
Enjoy your day op.

DingleyDel · 22/12/2021 07:47

I’ve just re read, so your SIL cooks the dinner but at your house?

VestaTilley · 22/12/2021 07:48

It’s fair enough for you to not want to spend the day catering for loads of people, but if you’re not doing a big meal why do you need a nap?

Also, assuming it’s your DH who cooks it is only fair to offer to help with washing up or setting the table. Why should you be waited on? It should be 50:50 in relationships.

gogohm · 22/12/2021 07:49

I find it odd to have a nap unless you have health concerns. Also it's one day, it seems like you are pretty selfish. This isn't about who cooks, it's the I'm doing what I want attitude

Contactmap · 22/12/2021 07:49

@SecondSwitch

I should add most of the time no one even knows I've gone for a nap- they assume I'm in the kitchen or cleaning somewhere.
Then why are they calling you lazy?
HappyMcflappy · 22/12/2021 07:50

Honestly it’s cracking me up how horrified people are about “The Nap”. I’m a napper from a family of nappers and it’s really not unusual when at my Parents either for a family weekend or Christmas/Easter Etc for somebody to declare around 3pm “I’m going for a sleep”. Everybody always comes downstairs refreshed and revived an hour or so later having napped or read or had quiet time on the sofa watching a film. I think it’s great and so does anybody that’s visiting.

Goldbar · 22/12/2021 07:50

You don't eat meat so why would you want to be in charge of cooking a roast? You do cook food you enjoy and share it round - what's the problem?! If they don't like the fare, they can sling their hooks!

It is your DH who is inviting guests (his family) not you so of course he should cater for them. You already focus on the people who are most important to you - your DC - and make sure they have a good time. I'm sure your youngest prefers her Christmas waffles to a big roast anyway... why should that be sacrificed so you have the energy to spend hours cooking something you won't even eat!

If anyone comments, just say you focus on the things which are important to you at Christmas - making it special for your kids and having the energy to enjoy the day. Everyone else can get lost with their expectations.

VestaTilley · 22/12/2021 07:51

I agree with @LadyCampanulaTottington

DingleyDel · 22/12/2021 07:51

If your house is big enough to give everyone an actual bed and you make them sleep in a tent then that is astoundingly rude. Are you joking? A tent in December?!

SayAaa · 22/12/2021 07:51

YANBU and your Christmas approach sounds perfect. No need to martyr oneself over Christmas!

fourminutestosavetheworld · 22/12/2021 07:53

I think it's fair enough that you don't cook but I do think it's a bit weird that you don't help in any way, and that you go for a nap.

I don't mind cooking but if dp refused to lift a finger and then went for a nap I'd think that was a bit unkind tbh.

I think your kids will just grow up saying that their mum spoilt Christmas every. Single. Year. By insisting on an afternoon nap and leaving dad to do absolutely everything.

I also don't think they would consider you lazy if this only happened once every year and you spent the rest of the year being a wonderful, welcoming host, so I think you must exhibit these same shirking attitudes at other times too.

Orreries · 22/12/2021 07:53

Nothing controversial about any of that, I’d have thought.

(Though I’m not entirely sure what you mean by hostessing. We always have family here, but DH cooks and I don’t think either of us ‘hosts’ — people help themselves.)

All that shrieking about ‘Are you READY?’ from October onward that you get on here is baffling to me, because it’s virtually all optional. Buy some presents, buy some extra food, take out the decorations, write a few cards if you do that.

icelollycraving · 22/12/2021 07:54

A tent? In December? No thanks!
Do your guests help? What food do you serve?

NotSorry · 22/12/2021 07:55

I think you’ve got it right OP - I’m a very relaxed Christmas Day person too. We do a roast because we love it, but only when everyone feels ready to eat it - me and DH do it together. I also like a Christmas Day nap and there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone else tying themselves up in knots finding things to criticise you about, need to take a leaf out of your book.

38woman · 22/12/2021 07:56

Is the nap essential? Otherwise no it's fine to ask your husband to take the reigns but if he is doing that why do you need to sneak off for a sleep?

woodlandarchitect · 22/12/2021 07:57

It’s just a fucking roast, get over it. Lots of people snooze after Christmas dinner.

OP you sound like a self entitled martyr who enjoys being a miserable inconvenience.

Also, why did you marry someone you don’t like doing family things with?

You aren’t as unique as you think you are. And I get the impression you enjoy being a moody snowflake Xmas Smile

Hemingwayscatz · 22/12/2021 07:57

You don’t have to tear your hair out acting like superwoman but helping your DH out a bit wouldn’t hurt.

LadyWithLapdog · 22/12/2021 08:00

OP, I've never cooked Xmas lunch or dinner as my DH does this. My question is why do you need a nap and why is it sacrosanct? Do you need naps every day?

violetbunny · 22/12/2021 08:00

I don't understand the posts saying OP doesn't "do Christmas" or that she doesn't cook. Just because she isn't inviting people over and hosting them, or cooking a traditional Xmas meal.

No one seems to be complaining that her DH isn't hosting or cooking a damn turkey, yet he is completely free to do both. Surely if these things are absolutely necessary at Xmas (which I really don't think they are) then it's just as much up to him as it is to her. Even more so if it's his relatives expecting to be hosted!

Nix2020 · 22/12/2021 08:00

Christmas brings such unrealistic expectations to have a perfect day. It's a day! that's not always magical. It's exhausting and stressful. Getting ready for it. With lots of people competing to be better than one another. Relatives become strange.

I try not to get involved and make christmas my own holiday and constantly get told I'm being a grinch and unfestive. Let's note Santa comes and we go out for dinner. Not sure how that's grinch like.

Solidarity to you op. Make it your own, if your kids dont like it then when they grow up they can have the Christmas they want.

Offmyfence · 22/12/2021 08:01

@SecondSwitch

I should add most of the time no one even knows I've gone for a nap- they assume I'm in the kitchen or cleaning somewhere.
Bloody hell how big is your house that they think you're in the kitchen or cleaning somewhere?

Is it they think you're cleaning the west wing on Christmas Day?

Why if you're not hosting etc, do you need a nap? Sounds very self centred? Do you nap other days?

It's all quite bah humbug.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 22/12/2021 08:01

"I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up."

"For the record, dh is happy to eat whatever I make and isn't fussed if there's no roast,"

"did you miss the bit where I said I do ALL the Christmas shopping and cook all the children's favorite food?"

I'm a bit confused now. So you do make all the food, just not a roast?

KatherineJaneway · 22/12/2021 08:01

@LadyCampanulaTottington

I think you’re exactly like your mother but at opposite ends of the spectrum. By actively trying to be unlike your mother you’re making Christmas a miserable affair for your family.

Kids will remember that Mum “didn’t do Christmas”, no traditions and took off to bed for a nap. I think you’ve created a stick to beat yourself with.

I’m all for boundaries but they don’t sound like they’ve been built on a healthy foundation.

Agree with this.
toots111 · 22/12/2021 08:02

@SeanMean

You do sound pretty lazy and selfish to me.

Your poor DH….ever hear of teamwork?

She cooks the meal for her immediate family. How is that lazy? She just doesn’t want to have the extended family around and if they come she expects her husband to step up. Seems fair to me!
Claudethecat · 22/12/2021 08:03

@Ylvamoon

Nope you don't have to cook I understand that. Although making a roast isn't that difficult or time consuming as long as you do the prep. Maybe you should try it one year? Going for a nap isn't something I would do. To me, Christmas Day is fairly time- helping kids build their new toys, playing games or watching movies. My DH "overslept" several Christmases due to being on permanent nights and napping in the daya as a result. It is miserable & lonly for your partner and DC.
She only naps for an hour. If her DH and DC ca't cope with that there is something wrong!