Refusing to hostess

[SecondSwitch]

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

Invite them round after your nap?

Or put a film on after dinner and doze throughout like an ancient aunt.

Xmas hats over the eyes are useful for the latter...

@SecondSwitch

To the people bleating about 'poor dh" , I am guessing absolutely none of you would have an issue with dh nodding off in his arm chair after enjoying a Christmas dinner he did not cook . So why begrudge a woman who refuses to buy into the Christmas "wife work,"? I have every right to enjoy Christmas too.

I absolutely adore you this far because you are right!!!!!!

@Phobiaphobic

Jesus, the misogyny and double standards energy on this post is strong.

THIS!!!!

@SpindleWhirling

I'm starting to think this thread is a fascinating sociological experiment.

It's very interesting to read it in parallel with the one about the 'Christmas martyr' running around the country trying to please everyone in the wider family. Apparently she's wrong too and should just stay at home with her DH & DC and do what the fuck she wants.

Shrodinger's martyr - the requirement to be simultaneously both one thing and yet another. I suspect I've been getting female existentialism all wrong.

💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

I've only skim-read the later parts of the thread, but it seems to me that if it had been a bit clearer from the opening post exactly what you do and don't do, OP, you would have had far fewer people agreeing with your SILs.

If you'd said "Where I live it's warm in December. AIBU to ask guests to bring camp beds/tents and serve a help-yourself buffet for Christmas lunch instead of doing the full roast?" most people would probably have said "Sounds great!" As for the nap - meh. I'm not a napper, but like you say, it's probably not that uncommon for people (mostly men) to fall asleep after Christmas lunch!

You sound fabulous and welcoming. As long as your immediate family is happy that's all you need. 😘

My comment was before she divulged that

I would need a nap on that amount of sleep too, OP.

So these relatives have known the score for years but their little t-Rex arms can't put a pan full of meat in the oven themselves?

@crazyjinglist

I've only skim-read the later parts of the thread, but it seems to me that if it had been a bit clearer from the opening post exactly what you do and don't do, OP, you would have had far fewer people agreeing with your SILs.

If you'd said "Where I live it's warm in December. AIBU to ask guests to bring camp beds/tents and serve a help-yourself buffet for Christmas lunch instead of doing the full roast?" most people would probably have said "Sounds great!" As for the nap - meh. I'm not a napper, but like you say, it's probably not that uncommon for people (mostly men) to fall asleep after Christmas lunch!

Why does it make a difference that it's warm where OP is? She's doing plenty to make it a lovely Christmas for her family, the whole thing sounds perfectly fine whether it's cold or hot. Guests who are coming for the day don't actually need to be provided with their own tents/beds or whatever. And where do you get the buffet from?

@FanciedChange

"Shrodinger's martyr" perfect, so true. This thread is sad though, we've still got such a long way to go if we expect women to run themselves ragged serving everyone else and condemn them if they have a rest.

It's eye opening, isn't it? So much internalised misogyny and policing of women who don't comply.

YANBU op!! I don’t cook either. We either go out for Xmas lunch or get a takeaway. My family think I’m lazy for not cooking but I don’t give a shit. I’m the one who’s happy and relaxed on Christmas morning enjoying my time with the kids, while they’re all slaving over a hot stove trying to be the perfect host.
Bugger that!!

I haven’t cooked Christmas dinner for 4 years now and I’m much more relaxed in Christmas morning without it having the worry of timing everything to perfection!!

If she has worked it out with her husband and does all the prep work then this is fine. Good for her. How many times does the wife do all the prep work for holidays then all the cleaning, fetching drinks ect. While the husband disappears to the garage, or the tv room to watch the game, or just disappears to parts unknown and helps with none of the hosting. She did everything else to put it together she can sit back for the hosting bit if she wants. She has done most of the work already. If she needs a chance to relax after she cooked, shopped, wrapped and everything else to set up why criticize her for tagging out the rest to her husband.

Not to take away from your comment because that is a fine choice too, but she does cook for it. It sounds like she does all the prep work for the holiday and the tags out to her husband once it starts.

You don't have to host in your mother's style. Host the way you'd normally have friends over.

Because she does all the prep work. She already did half the work, usually the harder half.

She cooks the dinner she just has her husband take care of the host duties like getting drinks, during party cleaning, ect.

She does the cooking, based on her post she does all the prep work and then her husband takes over the rest.

How do you know your sister in laws are horrified? Have you heard this second hand?

YANBU and I feel sorry for the women on this thread who think yabu or selfish or lazy.

Merry Christmas from Australia, where I can attest to the fact that ALL of us had a post-prandial nap, as we were too full to move and it's been hot and muggy all day.

Pretty standard here.

I don't understand why people think it is odd to have a post prandial nap after lots of alcohol and a huge meal.

@RampantIvy

I don't understand why people think it is odd to have a post prandial nap after lots of alcohol and a huge meal.

Me neither.

Now, excuse me while I go and ZZZZzzzzzZZZZZ

Well, of course they're going to think you're lazy if he's busting his arse as the host and you're having a lie down and not lifting a finger. You've basically made him the person you don't want to be.

Stating something up front doesn't automatically make it reasonable. A husband could state on his wedding day that he has no intention of doing any housework for the rest of his life, and he'd be seen as a lazy arse.