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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Refusing to hostess

481 replies

SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 06:51

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:

Poppy101010 · 22/12/2021 07:16

I see absolutely nothing wrong with this - I don't host or cook dinner either (I'm a terrible cook in a one bedroom flat so makes no sense). We either go out or are invited to family.

It's your Xmas and your entitled to enjoy the way you want . I think more people should take a lead out your book !

ChubbyMorticia · 22/12/2021 07:19

@LadyCampanulaTottington

I think you’re exactly like your mother but at opposite ends of the spectrum. By actively trying to be unlike your mother you’re making Christmas a miserable affair for your family.

Kids will remember that Mum “didn’t do Christmas”, no traditions and took off to bed for a nap. I think you’ve created a stick to beat yourself with.

I’m all for boundaries but they don’t sound like they’ve been built on a healthy foundation.

But @SecondSwitch DOES do Christmas. She does all the shopping and cooks the kids favourite foods. How is that making Christmas miserable for her dh and kids?

We haven't hosted anyone other than our now bonus daughter (friend our eldest dd brought home, and is now family) in years. Heck we've never even lived in the same timezone as our parents. We have traditions, our kids get Christmas.

I don't get how choosing not to host = not doing Christmas.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 22/12/2021 07:22

The nap seems a bit... I dunno. I detect the vague whiff of burning martyr. I wouldn't be changing my plans based on in-laws' comments, but I'd make sure the day works well for you and your immediate family. It's easy to get stuck into routines that sometimes outstay their usefulness.

Original poster

SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 07:24

I feel I should add that I Do do stuff with my kids , we have Christmas eve boxes, I take a late night walk with eldest who is a teenager and we drink hot chocolate and chat, I'm up at 5am with our youngest and we make waffles and Christmas cookies while we wait for the others to wake so we can do stocking. By the time the afternoon rolls around I need my nap!

OP posts:

Thissucksmonkeynuts · 22/12/2021 07:25

You do right.I had a lightbulb moment after my second Christmas I spent with my h, I commented that it must be horrific men in the run up to Xmas living with women who are so stressed and awful getting Christmas sorted and perfect. He said no, we don't care because we know we'll be able to sit the and eat and drink and not have to do anything. At that point I started doing inly the things I enjoy, making a wreath, real tree, slightly cleaner house, winter fresh air and daylight. He's consistently been a bit of a brat about it, but hasn't actually stepped up and made Christmas 'perfect'.

Sparkletastic · 22/12/2021 07:26

Sounds like you've got it sussed. SILs should mind their own business.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/12/2021 07:30

Yup...

I'm another that refuses to totally host Christmas... Having been brought up by a mother that made so much (yummy) food...

Think a choice of 3 starters and puds over Christmas... Also charged with making enough rooms /beds/towels for 10-14 people...for 3 days
Like a nice hotel... For everyone else....

Some relatives helped... The majority didn't... And wafted past ocassionally asking "when lunch was being served"...

When I was 8 i decided I was NEVER doing this... And thr times we've had a houseful... The deal is we ALL muck in...

Am not going to be a burning martyr....

Ragwort · 22/12/2021 07:31

Absolutely nothing wrong with having a nap on Christmas Day - I often go out for a walk on my own just to get away from everyone else, but people see 'going for a walk' as a healthy thing to do .

But I don't understand why your DH's family are even commenting - are they guests in your home?

georgarina · 22/12/2021 07:31

First read it as dh does all the cooking and prepping while you nap, and thought YABU.

But if you do all the cooking and preparing and then have a nap while he's cleaning up anyway then YANBU. He's presumably relaxing while you cook so it's even.

Crazykatie · 22/12/2021 07:31

I enjoy cooking Christmas Dinner, when I havn’t I’ve always felt “spare” and missing out on the action. Not everyone enjoys being on show on a big occasion, certainly there is plenty to go wrong on Christmas Day

Copasetic · 22/12/2021 07:32

Why does anyone need a Christmas Day nap? Do you normally have a nap in the middle of the day?

DingleyDel · 22/12/2021 07:36

But do you go to your DHs family for lunch and never reciprocate? If your just at home with dh and kids YANBU. Although it’s not really hosting. You and dh could just cook a nice roast for your immediate family. I couldn’t do Xmas day without the roast. Amazed your dh hasn’t got off his arse to cook one thus far.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 22/12/2021 07:36

@LadyCampanulaTottington

I think you’re exactly like your mother but at opposite ends of the spectrum. By actively trying to be unlike your mother you’re making Christmas a miserable affair for your family.

Kids will remember that Mum “didn’t do Christmas”, no traditions and took off to bed for a nap. I think you’ve created a stick to beat yourself with.

I’m all for boundaries but they don’t sound like they’ve been built on a healthy foundation.

Agree

And strangely absent from your posts is any thought about what your DH like to do at Christmas.

GemmaRuby · 22/12/2021 07:36

@Copasetic

Why does anyone need a Christmas Day nap? Do you normally have a nap in the middle of the day?

The funny thing about Christmas Day is it’s not a normal day! People get to do things they enjoy - and OP has recognised that she is a person, not just a wife/mother/hostess there to provide the things that everyone else enjoys.

Its an excellent idea - I might try to sneak in a Christmas Day nap this year.

Original poster

SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 07:36

It's always at our house as we have a big house and a lawn that's big enough for several tents - so my approach is "all welcome, grab a tent, here's a sleeping bag, help yourself to food and drink". I am NOT running myself ragged cooking sprouts that my children hate, making beds, doing laundry, cleaning loos, topping up drinks etc. Everyone is welcome, the fridge, freezer, and pantry is full to bursting, have at it, let's just relax. I should also add, that I have zero issue with anyone else grabbing a nap after lunch.

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 22/12/2021 07:37

I'm a bit in your camp @SecondSwitch, having grown up with the hysterical martydom of preparing any sunday lunch or Crimbo meal. I often opt for a very substantial buffet that is mostly prepared in advance, with a few hot things that aren't stressful. DH pulls his weight. I do a lot of Christmas shopping, and pretty much sort out the SD's stuff. We also have a tradition of home made and filled advent calendars that started when DD went on an exchange visit during the Advent period, and her lovely hosting family got her one. It was lovely of them, but it's been going on ever since, and she has a birthday a week before Christmas (bad family planning on my part DH also gets his advent calendar, so forgive me if I don't put a pinny on, and sweat over a turkey for half of Christmas day! I'm a bit on the fence with splinters up my bum about the Crimbo nap if you have guests though. Although I don't know why logically, it would be more acceptable for you to fall asleep in a food and wine coma in front of a film the way a lot of family seem to do. Surely your own bed, snoring and farting in peace and solitude is preferable?!

TheRedTowel · 22/12/2021 07:39

When I was young, we never had family round or went to visit family on Christmas day. It was just us kids and our parents. Opening presents, playing with new toys and eating chocolate. I loved it.

When DH and I started going out, I found it exhausting going here, there and everywhere on Christmas day. I ended up having two Christmas dinners a lot of the time. As soon as we had the DC, we started staying home at Christmas and I like it so much better. We visit family and host on other days around Christmas when there's less pressure. And the kids are a lot less hyper.

So in short, I've never understood the pressure to host or have big family gatherings. MiL has a grumble that we don't come around on Christmas day. But that is DH's problem.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2021 07:40

I'm with you op. Booze and snacks yes and Xmas dinner that's already prepared for me 2 DC's and DP yes. But not a mass of people and stress on Xmas day. We normally go for a curry!

ZenNudist · 22/12/2021 07:41

This sounds OK if you do all the prep and he does all the cleaning.

rwalker · 22/12/2021 07:42

The only bit I found strange is when you said you used to WATCH your mother run herself raged.
Perhaps she was like that because none of her family including you helped her .

ChubbyMorticia · 22/12/2021 07:43

@Copasetic

Why does anyone need a Christmas Day nap? Do you normally have a nap in the middle of the day?

Given that a lot of parents are up until the wee hours making magic happen, I’m more surprised by those who DON’T nap.

ChristmasRobins · 22/12/2021 07:43

I don’t really understand what you mean by “hostessing”. You have guests to your house, you provide them with food and drink, you presumably talk to them- isn’t that all that’s involved?

NessieMcNessface · 22/12/2021 07:45

I admire you OP. You don’t sound lazy to me, you sound really hardworking but you’re not prepared to sacrifice yourself to the slavery of Christmas. Your comment has made me aware that I mustn’t stress too much; I am hosting for my large family this year and am already worked up about it. Note to self - don’t transfer stress - thank you!

Footprintsinthegrass · 22/12/2021 07:46

Sorry I think you should be helping out a hit more. Maybe give your dh a bit more responsibility in the lead up to Christmas and you take on a bit more on the day.

My mil hosts every year and have 14 go there but we all help out and muck in. I think we'd all judge if one person wasn't helping out in some way on Christmas day. I'm not a napper so can't see why you'd need it particularly if you're not helping on the day.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2021 07:46

@Copasetic

Why does anyone need a Christmas Day nap? Do you normally have a nap in the middle of the day?

Because the kids don't go sleep until after normal time and then you've got to sort all the presents and then they're up at 3, 4, 5, 6am until you finally relent and get up?

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