Refusing to hostess

[SecondSwitch]

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

@SecondSwitch

It's always at our house as we have a big house and a lawn that's big enough for several tents - so my approach is "all welcome, grab a tent, here's a sleeping bag, help yourself to food and drink". I am NOT running myself ragged cooking sprouts that my children hate, making beds, doing laundry, cleaning loos, topping up drinks etc. Everyone is welcome, the fridge, freezer, and pantry is full to bursting, have at it, let's just relax. I should also add, that I have zero issue with anyone else grabbing a nap after lunch.

Great that your guests can nap too. Would that be in their tents in the garden? In mid-winter...

I think I'm with your in-laws, sorry.

Just because you made this blanket rule doesn’t make it ok- what if a man told his wife “for our entire lives together I won’t cook”- the odd Xmas dont matter

I get where you're coming from, OP – when we host Christmas, our families are told to help themselves and if they want tea or coffee, don't expect us to make it, there's the kettle, etc. But you actually sound like you do bugger all and it's your DH who does all the work – yet somehow you are so exhausted you need a nap in the middle of the day? Your kids may not have memories of mum being hysterical every Christmas, but they probably will have ones of her narcissistically checking out and making their guests feel uncomfortable. Read your OP back – you've made Xmas all about you.

I think there's a middle path! Tell DH what you are prepared to do, then he can do any remaining tasks to make hosting possible.

@Ylvamoon

Nope you don't have to cook I understand that. Although making a roast isn't that difficult or time consuming as long as you do the prep. Maybe you should try it one year? Going for a nap isn't something I would do. To me, Christmas Day is fairly time- helping kids build their new toys, playing games or watching movies. My DH "overslept" several Christmases due to being on permanent nights and napping in the daya as a result. It is miserable & lonly for your partner and DC.

OP going off for one hour isn't going to make her husband and the DC miserable and lonely, and more than they would be if she was away in the kitchen. Yes, a roast isn't difficult but all the veg, stuffing, gravy etc are time consuming. . They can watch films without her.

expecting to be hosted every year. She's not though. They stay at their own house.

So the drip feed now includes some massive gathering that involves tents and sleeping bags (presumably you live in Australia?)

Ahh this makes more sense. I was imagining the relatives showing up to a cotswold mansion and being shown to an array of tents on the croquet lawn in in the midst of British winter. Still think it’s pretty rude though.

My dh and I do it together.

I wouldn't do it solo or e OSCR him to either.

'Or expect'

Sorry for the typos

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Just because you made this blanket rule doesn’t make it ok- what if a man told his wife “for our entire lives together I won’t cook”- the odd Xmas dont matter

Are you seriously comparing what OP does one day a year with someone saying he will expect to be waited on with food every single day of the year?

@AllTheWeetabix

Christmas isn’t all about you your poor kids and DH you sound selfish

Haha get a fucking grip. Selfish. Ffs. No one has to host.

You are absolutely right to have a nap.Good on you,to have made clear right at the beginning what you are prepared to do at xmas.Many women should have you as an example for a perfect xmas duty share.dont listen to all the pp that say you are unreasonable.Its only jealousy and their own resentent to be a servant to all at xmas.enjoy your peaceful nap!

When my now adult children were little, i used to go to bed around 1am after bringing down all the presents, sorting stuff out, making the magic happen etc, then was up at around 6 with excited bouncing off the walls children.

Damn right i had a nap, i would go back for an hour when they had opened all their presents and were happy playing with them.

And i dont cook, DP does all the cooking at home, if anybody wanted to call me lazy over it - meh, i'll live.

I think that sounds fine. You do Christmas how you like it. Does your sil end up having to host her parents every year by default? I think she may just be jealous and taking it out on the wrong person. Really if your DH wanted them then you already said he can invite them, it just won't be a traditional turkey dinner they get.

@TheRedTowel

When I was young, we never had family round or went to visit family on Christmas day. It was just us kids and our parents. Opening presents, playing with new toys and eating chocolate. I loved it.

When DH and I started going out, I found it exhausting going here, there and everywhere on Christmas day. I ended up having two Christmas dinners a lot of the time. As soon as we had the DC, we started staying home at Christmas and I like it so much better. We visit family and host on other days around Christmas when there's less pressure. And the kids are a lot less hyper.

So in short, I've never understood the pressure to host or have big family gatherings. MiL has a grumble that we don't come around on Christmas day. But that is DH's problem.

Same. xmas day just my parents and siblings, really relaxed. I do the same now with Dp and Dc. we then see family boxing day

So by host do you mean cook a roast? There's a lot more that goes into hosting.

I understand your position and you made it clear who you are, but for me, I can’t imagine not helping out or going for a Kip when I had guests.

But you do host OP. All host means is to have people over to your house.

If you're in australia it is different to the uk. It's a far more casual approach to Christmas.

My DP cooks on Christmas day, I do help but then so does everyone, my mum chips in and my Dad, brother and his family get drinks and entertain my two DDs. It's all a team effort.

Kids will remember that Mum “didn’t do Christmas”, no traditions and took off to bed for a nap. I think you’ve created a stick to beat yourself with

I’m all for boundaries but they don’t sound like they’ve been built on a healthy foundation.

Agree

And strangely absent from your posts is any thought about what your DH like to do at Christmas.

Two people there who haven't actually read OP's posts. Why would the children remember that Mum didn't do Christmas when she does the whole Christmas Eve thing, stockings, the family's favourite food, stocks up with food, drink etc, and has various other Christmas traditions?

There's a worrying whiff on this thread of people who really think it is the Woman's Duty to provide the large dinner, clear up, keep up a steady flow of drinks, snacks, Christmas cake, all the while being superMum playing with the children and sparkling for any guests. You know what, it isn't.

To me there is a big distinction in specifically inviting people for Christmas, in which case I would 'host' properly, and the whole family tipping up year in year out by default, I which case I'd be taking OP's approach. Sounds like she and her kids and DH are perfectly happy with their day, maybe the rest of them can stay home if they don't like the arrangements

Post food coma nap? How? When your only eating snacks? whatever floats your boat op I would find it a little rude if there's nothing wrong with your health it is a tad on the lazy side yes.

What the op does

buys the childrens presents
makes all their favorite food
Does Christmas eve boxes
Takes a late night walk with eldest who is a teenager
drinks hot chocolate and chats (quality time)
Gets up at 5am with the youngest (while older children and husband carry on sleeping)
makes waffles and Christmas cookies with them while they wait for the others to wake so they can do stockings
Says anyone who wants to come is welcome
Provides an abundance of Christmas goodies for them to help themselves to
Has a nap for an hour.

What the op does not do

Cleaning up the kitchen after she has done the cooking
Cook a Christmas roast instead of/as well as the cooking of her family's favourite foods that she already actually does
Be a waitress
Be a hotel housekeeper

Given the pretty big list of things she actually does, I'm not sure why she is being criticised here. Her husband can easily do those bits she doesn't and his list will be

Prepare sleeping arrangements in the house for guests (if there's room. Maybe the bring a tent thing is because the garden is big but the house is small)
Cook a roast (in addition to all the food the op is cooking)
Clean the kitchen
Top up people's drinks
Man the fort alone for an hour

I'm honestly not seeing why the op is being so criticised here

Leaving Christmas aside entirely - it’s rude to go to sleep when you have guests in your house.

Hat's off to you SS - congrats for being an intelligent, empowered woman with clear boundaries

Have a or a for me and enjoy yous zzzzzz's