Refusing to hostess

[SecondSwitch]

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

Fuck slaving away all day in the kitchen to do a roast. I do oysters, smoked salmon and mussels. Total cooking time: three minutes.

if he's busting his arse as the host and you're having a lie down and not lifting a finger.

She is not 'not lifting a finger'! She is providing the snacks and the booze, preparing favourite foods for the family, buying and wrapping presents, looking after the kids.

She just isn't doing the one thing of preparing a roast dinner for her in-laws.

OP: I suspect, in fact, that what really annoys your ILs may be that you are putting in more effort for your children than you are for them. And why shouldn't you?

Not everyone has a special roast dinner for Christmas. It's not one of life's essentials. And it would generally be considered fine, even admirable, if the husband looked after the children, did the cooking for them, bought and wrapped the presents, provided snacks, etc. while the wife got on with preparing the roast dinner, so why is it all wrong the other way round?

At first, I did think that it was a bit rude of the OP to take a nap when her guests were visiting; but I now realize that she wasn't the one who invited them; and she is enabling and helping her dh to be the host, but not actually taking over the hosting.

@EightWheelGirl

Well, of course they're going to think you're lazy if he's busting his arse as the host and you're having a lie down and not lifting a finger. You've basically made him the person you don't want to be.

Stating something up front doesn't automatically make it reasonable. A husband could state on his wedding day that he has no intention of doing any housework for the rest of his life, and he'd be seen as a lazy arse.

But he isn't busting his arse. It looks like the only thing he does is the clearing away, and a bit of hosting with drinks and snacks if he invites people round. OP is doing everything else associated with Christmas.

@Scarydinosaurs

How do you know your sister in laws are horrified? Have you heard this second hand?

Indeed it would be good to know what exactly was said. All sounds like a bunch of hearsay... if that.

YANBU
Many people have very high expectations from Christmas. They want it perfect. That brings on stress.
Some cheese, crackers, grapes and pizza gathering some other time can work to get the family together.

I had THREE naps on Christmas Day! Have at you, anti-nap pearl-clutchers.