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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to hostess

481 replies

SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 06:51

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
SarahBennettAdvice1978 · 22/12/2021 08:03

@SecondSwitch

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?
Exceptionally lazy. Going for a nap on Christmas Day because you made a drink and opened a pack of Pringles 😅😅
BoudecaBains · 22/12/2021 08:03

*........and a lawn that's big enough for several tents - so my approach is "all welcome, grab a tent, here's a sleeping bag"

In late December - are you married to Bear Gryls ?.

AllTheWeetabix · 22/12/2021 08:03

Christmas isn’t all about you Confused your poor kids and DH you sound selfish

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 22/12/2021 08:04

It amazing how people call you selfish when you won't run around like a headless chicken for them

Have they ever hosted you and your family? I could understand it if you went to their house ever year and did nothing. But if you stay at home yanbu

toots111 · 22/12/2021 08:06

@HappyMcflappy

Honestly it’s cracking me up how horrified people are about “The Nap”. I’m a napper from a family of nappers and it’s really not unusual when at my Parents either for a family weekend or Christmas/Easter Etc for somebody to declare around 3pm “I’m going for a sleep”. Everybody always comes downstairs refreshed and revived an hour or so later having napped or read or had quiet time on the sofa watching a film. I think it’s great and so does anybody that’s visiting.
Agree! I love a nap. Me and my husbands uncle always sneak off (not together) when we have a big family Xmas and no one cares. They know it’s just who we are!
Goldbar · 22/12/2021 08:06

Why should the OP host her husband's guests?

She already caters for and makes Christmas special for her DC. If her husband wants to invite his own guests, he should cater for them. She's not a housekeeper or a restaurant service.

skodadoda · 22/12/2021 08:06

This is so much the right attitude. Anyone who criticises you is welcome to do Christmas at their house.

Sceptre86 · 22/12/2021 08:07

I think you are more welcoming and accommodating than you initially made out. Your guests get to stay over if they wish so where is the harm in them cooking if a roast and all the trimmings if that is what they wish to eat? Are they the type that can't bare to see a man doing anything chore wise and feel the need to step in and save him?

Claudethecat · 22/12/2021 08:07

I feel sure this thread is going to end up in the Daily Fail...

FanciedChange · 22/12/2021 08:08

I really don't know why you're getting so much judgement on here! You get up with the youngest child, you buy and wrap presents and you cook - so what if it's not a roast??? Wtf? I bet if your DH did the gifts, the early shift and the cooking he'd be allowed a nap.

My kids are autistic and we only ever do Xmas by ourselves now as we had to shake off so many traditions and just turn it into a nice day for everyone.

Benjispruce5 · 22/12/2021 08:08

Well I’d consider it a bit rude to nap while you have guests and I couldn’t imagine doing that. Seems a strange thing to do on that day. Do you nap every day or is it a statement nap?

Claudethecat · 22/12/2021 08:09

@Goldbar

Why should the OP host her husband's guests?

She already caters for and makes Christmas special for her DC. If her husband wants to invite his own guests, he should cater for them. She's not a housekeeper or a restaurant service.

Exactly. Why is it women are expected to put themselves out for everyone else?
Billandben444 · 22/12/2021 08:10

So the drip feed now includes some massive gathering that involves tents and sleeping bags (presumably you live in Australia?) and you do everything apart from roast a lump of dead animal. If nobody notices you slope off for a bit of p&q while someone else washes up then go for it. Why do they think you're lazy if you do everything else?

wishingitwasspring · 22/12/2021 08:10

Maybe have guests at other times of the year, so Christmas doesn't seem so overwhelming.

Hardly fair to never host with your husband.

Do you ever go to others?

Honeymint · 22/12/2021 08:10

On the one hand I applaud you for setting your rules from the get-go and sticking to them. Having seen my own mum stress herself out over this so many times I can see where you’re coming from.

On the other, if DH is hosting every year then you’re sort of forcing him into the position your mother was in without really meaning to.

Ideally it might be nice to make something beforehand that DH can serve on the day. If DH hosts every year, maybe you could make a main, sides or dessert in advance that he can reheat / defrost for the day? That way you still don’t have to do anything on the day but DH won’t end up in the stressed-out-host position.
(For example my mum has started making a Christmas pie weeks ahead and just baking it on Christmas Day - it’s delicious and she no longer stresses about it)

Kbyodjs · 22/12/2021 08:11

I agree with your most recent update in that when people come to stay you don’t run yourself ragged.
My DH cooks Christmas dinner otherwise I’d opt to either go out or have something nice but minimal cooking as I don’t like cooking at the best of times and Christmas dinner has no appeal to me

skodadoda · 22/12/2021 08:11

@Billandben444

YABU. it doesn't have to be a stressful day - you're not your mother. How will your children remember their Christmases when they're adults? Mum opted out every year and retired to bed when it suited her? If you've got the chutzpah to behave like this then talk to his family and explain your reasoning - it probably won't change their opinion though.
OP does not sound as though she’s opting out at all. Read her posts.
HelloDulling · 22/12/2021 08:12

I don’t understand. What do your DH’s family think you should be doing?

Chocolatewheatos · 22/12/2021 08:14

YANBU you're not NOT doing anything. You're making Christmas for your kids. You're just not ALSO making Christmas for a bunch of adults who are perfectly capable of cooking and cleaning themselves.
They're being lazy and selfish turning up at your house and expecting you to do everything.

Honeymint · 22/12/2021 08:15

Just seen the drip-feed and it actually sounds like you’re already doing more than enough, I wouldn’t feel guilty about a nap!

Contactmap · 22/12/2021 08:15

@Benjispruce5

Well I’d consider it a bit rude to nap while you have guests and I couldn’t imagine doing that. Seems a strange thing to do on that day. Do you nap every day or is it a statement nap?
GrinXmas Grin
Ohmych · 22/12/2021 08:16

A tent in December did I read that right? No way would I want to sleep in a tent in December.

Nothing wrong with the nap though. I love a nap at any time.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/12/2021 08:16

The world needs more women like you

It would be a more equal place 👏👏👏

hivemindneeded · 22/12/2021 08:17

YANBU. It is normally wife work and it does turn Christmas into a chore for the one who does all the work then gets blamed for being stressed. So it's fine to refuse ro do that.

But given how stressful you know it is if the load all falls on one person, why offer to let him have an equally horrible experience? Why not share and simplify the workload. Buy everything ready prepped from M&S. Get kids to lay the table and vacuum the stairs. Ask relatives to bring starters or desserts. And don't care if the house isn't perfect or you forgot to pick up bread sauce for the one person who eats it.

TeloMere · 22/12/2021 08:19

Its up to you of course. But wouldn't it be less of a hassle for you to just go to bed early on christmas eve and get a good night's sleep?
Then there'd be no need for you worry about family thinking you're selfish (as you obviously do worry, or you wouldn't be asking AIBU).