Refusing to hostess

[SecondSwitch]

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

Sorry for the drip feed - yes we live in a country where a tent in December is reasonable. DH's mother died when he was a child and his older sisters fuss over him. Think sending care packages to HIM because I had a traumatic birth level of fussing . For years they've come to our house and not noticed I've had a nap on Christmas day, it was only because one of the older children jokingly mentioned I would be having my annual food coma nap that they realised I was not in fact cleaning but upstairs having a kip, that they are now absolutely outraged that I could be so lazy and leave "poor dh" to load the dishwasher and host (/ pour their drinks) all on his own. For the record, dh is perfectly happy with our set up.

I've never gone away to have a nap, but quite often nod off at some point on Christmas Day afternoon. No-one minds, and usually others nod off as well. Surely that's the norm to eat a load of food and drink then have a nap.

Sorry should read 'your'

People, she gets up at 5am so everyone else can sleep in!

She deserves a nap!

This all seems a total non issue, although I think you should stop thinking of yourself as not hosting because you are hosting, just in your own way. Being the host doesn’t mean you have to act like a servant.

You buy all the presents
you are up at 5am to make cookies and waffles with your little one
You cook the kids favourite food
You do nice things with your kids
And you like a nap

Sounds good to me.

@Alayalaya

Leaving Christmas aside entirely - it’s rude to go to sleep when you have guests in your house.

God, what utter self-martyring bollocks. I would never have guests in the house I wasn't happy to nod off in front of the telly with on Christmas Day.

@Bluntness100

I understand your position and you made it clear who you are, but for me, I can’t imagine not helping out or going for a Kip when I had guests.

How is OP not helping out? She's done all the shopping, provided the lunch, isn't she entitled to a break?

I wonder how many of the objectors to a rest actually sink into a coma on the sofa after Christmas lunch in front of the TV? You physically can't keep up the all-singing all-dancing hosting act all day, especially after an early start with children. I don't see how that's any more virtuous than grabbing an hour's peace in your bedroom.

I applaud you OP YANBU.
What ‘hostessing’ do your SILs feel that they’re feeling forced to do??
Having a big house doesn’t make you the default hotelier, concierge and caterer year after year!

Why should you put yourself out for guests who show up by default?

It’s rude of them to call you lazy. If they don’t like it tell them to hire a hotel and you and DH will turn up next year. The sheer entitlement is mind boggling

P.s I’m never hosting a dinner. If by chance I have to at some point I’m buying everything frozen and bunging it in the oven. OR everyone can eat my country’s native cuisine for Christmas 🙂

Some of the responses on here make me remember how irrationally cross and baffled some people, usually women, used to get when I said I was childfree. The word ‘selfish’ also got thrown around a lot.

I think it comes down to being forced to recognise that the thing some people moan endlessly about, whether it’s Christmas or children or having a ‘visitor- ready’ house, is actually entirely optional.

You don’t have to take this trouble. It isn’t compulsory. You don’t get brownie points from the universe for not ever sitting down before 9.30 pm, or for martyring yourself annually to host thirty people for Christmas dinner, or for having children. Do them if you choose to, if the trouble is worth it for you. But don’t kid yourself it isn’t a morally-neutral choice.

Thank you to all who gave said I'm doing it right and have clear boundaries. I want my children to have happy memories of Christmas. Also, the thought "wife work" makes me want to run screaming for the hills.

Also OP you’re my new role model 😂😂😂

I guess it’s ok as long as you don’t expect someone else to host you every year 🤷‍♀️

Your children and husband get nicely cooked and sourced favourite foods by you and are happy. You take a nap after dinner for an hour. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re selfish for that.

@User2638483

I guess it’s ok as long as you don’t expect someone else to host you every year 🤷‍♀️

Well. She's said repeteadly that she's the one with the big house so everyone comes to hers

It's not like you're not doing your share.

@RoastedParsnips

Post food coma nap? How? When your only eating snacks? whatever floats your boat op I would find it a little rude if there's nothing wrong with your health it is a tad on the lazy side yes.

Did you not see the bit where she cooks everyone their favourite food? How is that snacks? And did you miss the fact that she's up at 5 making Christmas food with the youngest? And she's lazy?

Where on earth are all these Stepford wives coming from?

@TractorAndHeadphones thank you

You have Christmas nailed, in my opinion. Enjoy your festive food nap!

My DH is welcome to invite people, and if he does he does the major part of. Same applies to me.

Totally besides the point but what are these 'favourite foods' on offer for the children? Just being nosey.

Wow, are visiting relatives staying in tents on the lawn? At Christmas?! I assume either you're not in the UK or I have misread that!

I bet if it were your Dh going for a nap then they wouldn’t bat an eyelid!
My own Dh would fall asleep after Christmas dinner every year without fail. Even when we used to go to my mums. He’d conk out on the sofa so we used to send him upstairs to go in parents bed. (Insomnia)

Also My mum has always, for as long as I can remember needed a nap at sometime during the day.

But no matter the reason, if you need to sleep in the afternoon, that’s what you need to do. You’ve been clear from the offset with your intentions, so if anyone has a problem with it then tough.
Too many people bow down to family pressure when it comes to Christmas, so we’ll done for sticking to your guns!

But please tell me you don’t live in the uk, as camping on the lawn in December doesn’t sound like a barrel of laughs!

you can compromise ,if i want to serve lots of people but am knackered .I get a giant pork shoulder usually cheap from asda put in the slow cooker with 250ml chicken stock and a onion leave over night by lunch .People can serve them selves shredded pork with a roll gravy and apple sauce with what ever snacks they like .You can do the stuff you usually do and get your other half do the beds for hosting

Yanbu. Different people have different systems - an alternative would DH choice one year and your choice another. But only if it works for ur family. What does DH think?