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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not want non-family to give my kid presents?

214 replies

MamaKatja · 17/12/2021 18:33

A bit of a reality check, please.

We are trying not to spoil our 4yo DD (ahem, at least not too much), including at Christmas. I just don't like kids on a ripping-open-presents frenzy, without really being able to enjoy even one because of the sheer abundance. Our DD has also become increasingly picky, throwing little surprises from her advent calendar (lovingly, or so I thought, compiled by me) at me whenever she didn't like them.

Now, we have a rule that family are allowed to give her one Christmas present each, as are my DH and I together. Plus one from Santa, and that's supposed to be it. I negotiated a truce with her godfather, but now non-family members are piling in, including the neighbours, our nanny, a new schoolfriend's mum, and others. The result? Nine presents already!

AIBU to think that non-family should butt out?

OP posts:
NewbieAlert · 17/12/2021 22:12

I don’t think YABU to ask family members to stick to one gift, that feels pretty normal to me.
I do think 1 gift from Santa is a bit Sad
We don’t spend much but do fill the stocking from Santa. Even with small, cheaper gifts. Things they need like a new hairbrush or body wash or socks.
More then 1 gift doesn’t always equal spoilt.

Stompythedinosaur · 17/12/2021 22:43

I'm astonished you think her nanny is being unreasonable to get a gift - that is a close relationship.

The easiest way to reduce present numbers is not to do the advent calendar tbh.

Your dd is not a possession, so she has relationships with people seperate to you. Some of the people she has relationship ships with want to give her a gift. It is a pretty normal thing. It isn't for you to forbid it tbh.

HelpNeedCoolUsername8 · 19/12/2021 06:40

@RosesAndHellebores

The greatest gifts your dd can receive are those of graciousness and good manners I wonder from where she will learn about them.

I rarely give a MNet biscuit OP but here you go.
Biscuit

Your attitude provokes speechlessness.

What does a MNet biscuit mean?
mam0918 · 19/12/2021 09:33

I've seen the biscuit and didn't know either.

Apparently, it officially means 'no comment' and is a 'burn' on the poster basically meaning 'you are a twat and I don't want to talk to you' and originated from politicians refusing to answer questions about biscuits somehow.

Emerald5hamrock · 19/12/2021 09:43

The easiest way to reduce present numbers is not to do the advent calendar tbh.
I had no idea some people gave the DC a daily gift for an advent calendar treat.
Mine DC have a small chocolate sweet from a door daily.
If anyone is spoiling her it's you.

mam0918 · 19/12/2021 10:21

@Emerald5hamrock

The easiest way to reduce present numbers is not to do the advent calendar tbh. I had no idea some people gave the DC a daily gift for an advent calendar treat. Mine DC have a small chocolate sweet from a door daily. If anyone is spoiling her it's you.
The thing is it's expensive tat too.

If everything costs even just 20p that £5 on erasers, temporary tattoos, cheap jewelry etc... because it has to be small enough to basically fit in a matchbox and you could get a proper worthwhile gift for that.

Worse to save money I have heard some people intermingle it with chores (like clean your bedroom ready for Santa etc...) and if that's what OP does I can see why the kid is mad.

Like a £1 chocolate calendar is enough to make any 4 year old happy.

My kids get a LOT a Xmas, we go big with amount of gifts (OP would have a heart attack if she thinks 9 is too many lol) but non of my kids have ever thrown a gift or had a tantrum like OP describes so unless OP daughter has SEN then I believe its likely frustration the child feels at something OP is doing 'wrong'.

AlbusSeverusMalfoy · 19/12/2021 10:43

Spread them out over a few days. Not all presents have to go under the tree to be opened on Xmas day.

Livpool · 19/12/2021 10:45

DS is 6 and gets lots of presents at Christmas. He has never had a hissy fit over a toy though. And he isn't spoilt

People are being nice

BigYellowHat · 19/12/2021 10:49

That’s so mean. My sister turned down my gifts to my nieces this week as she’s being a complete cow right now to both me and my mum (and we don’t know why) I found it so hurtful and also now worry that the girls will think I’ve forgotten them and don’t care about them. If people want to give gifts then let them, they can always be opened over a few days.

Happyfeet1972 · 19/12/2021 10:50

You sound incredibly rude. While I can understand your concern about how to ensure your DD is not spoilt, referring to people who have done nothing wrong except bestow a gift as needing to "butt out" so just horrible. You sound controlling and ungrateful.

Livpool · 19/12/2021 11:03

@OmgIThinkILikeYou

Sometimes I come onto mumsnet and suddenly feel very grateful for my parents and my childhood.

This thread is batshit!

Agreed!
MarieChristmas · 19/12/2021 13:10

We left our friends and their 3 yo a Christmas stocking surprise last year.

This year I was told that I had upset them and that they didn't want a repeat.

Their right of course but it certainly put a dampener on my feelings towards them.

Your DD is a small child. She won't turn into a brat if someone gives her a gift.

I agree with PP. YABU

gogohm · 19/12/2021 13:34

9 isn't a lot but I think you need to come up with a strategy for her behaviour regarding the advent calendar - though top parenting tip, just get a cheap chocolate advent calendar, saves all the hassle.

I would suggest introducing for next year the concept of giving gifts to others, those you know and for those less fortunate, at infants school mine had a talk from send a cow and from that every year as a family we supported a project overseas plus we chose a label from the giving tree and bought an anonymous gift for someone in our community - still doing it too, they are university students, we've twinned our toilet this year and bought a gift for an elderly lady locally (no idea who that's the point)

Covidclaire · 19/12/2021 13:58

@Emerald5hamrock

The easiest way to reduce present numbers is not to do the advent calendar tbh. I had no idea some people gave the DC a daily gift for an advent calendar treat. Mine DC have a small chocolate sweet from a door daily. If anyone is spoiling her it's you.
To be fair I think it’s often to avoid giving chocolate every day.

We have a refillable advent calendar and put a small chocolate and a Christmas tree decoration in every day. The kids love putting something on the tree every day. We use the same ones every year and they don’t seem to care.

00100001 · 19/12/2021 14:02

@MarieChristmas

We left our friends and their 3 yo a Christmas stocking surprise last year.

This year I was told that I had upset them and that they didn't want a repeat.

Their right of course but it certainly put a dampener on my feelings towards them.

Your DD is a small child. She won't turn into a brat if someone gives her a gift.

I agree with PP. YABU

You got a child a surprise Christmas stocking? Confused
lollipoprainbow · 19/12/2021 14:09

I'd love non family to give my dd presents ! Our family is tiny so I overcompensate and buy lots for her. Not really a massive problem is it ??

balboacoffee · 19/12/2021 14:10

It's one day a year Jesus! I wouldn't spread them out either. Let her open them on Christmas morning and have a bit of magic in her life for one day! 9 presents isn't a lot. Do things In the year like sorting her old toys/ clothes out and give them to charity for example. I get my daughter what she asks for and a couple more. I don't get the whole one present and a stocking thing. Me and my daughter always have a big sort out before Christmas and we pass anything she doesn't need to the local nurseries or to relatives and charity. Kids can have what they want and don't act spoilt. Regarding the throwing of the advent sit her down and tell her she can't do that and if she does it again she won't be opening another one.

blubberyboo · 19/12/2021 14:13

You’re a bit controlling.

Your daughter is a separate person from you and if someone wants to give her a gift it really isn’t your place to refuse it unless it is a dangerous gift.

MarieChristmas · 19/12/2021 14:28

@00100001 sorry, not clear. We did a surprise for the family, packaged in a stocking and left it by their front door. It contained a board game, a book for the child, a couple of camping bits and some sweets. We thought it was a fun thing to do from our family to theirs (our kids were also involved) but it was not appreciated.

Lesson learnt.

Tink626 · 19/12/2021 14:45

YABVU I would love my DS to be lucky enough to have presents from people other than me at Christmas.

You can't dictate to people that they can't give presents to your child. It's nasty and controlling and your child won't thank you for it when they are older.

GreenWheat · 19/12/2021 14:54

Good grief. In my experience people being controlling around their pfb like this are usually trying to control others in lieu of having to parent and teach responses.

Yuledo · 19/12/2021 14:55

Christmas is the time for spoiling and the sheer joy and wonderment of seeing a large pile.

Birthdays were much less of a deal, with a much smaller volume of presents, and we didn’t buy presents in between. They had the anticipation of having to wait for birthdays and Xmas for things they wanted.

00100001 · 19/12/2021 14:58

[quote MarieChristmas]@00100001 sorry, not clear. We did a surprise for the family, packaged in a stocking and left it by their front door. It contained a board game, a book for the child, a couple of camping bits and some sweets. We thought it was a fun thing to do from our family to theirs (our kids were also involved) but it was not appreciated.

Lesson learnt. [/quote]
What were they upset about?Confused

00100001 · 19/12/2021 14:59

Unless it encroached on their Christmas Eve box or whatever?

Chely · 19/12/2021 15:04

Give your head a shake.
Let them spoil your child as much as they want to, not going to ruin them getting a few things on Christmas.