... to not want non-family to give my kid presents?

[MamaKatja]

A bit of a reality check, please.

We are trying not to spoil our 4yo DD (ahem, at least not too much), including at Christmas. I just don't like kids on a ripping-open-presents frenzy, without really being able to enjoy even one because of the sheer abundance. Our DD has also become increasingly picky, throwing little surprises from her advent calendar (lovingly, or so I thought, compiled by me) at me whenever she didn't like them.

Now, we have a rule that family are allowed to give her one Christmas present each, as are my DH and I together. Plus one from Santa, and that's supposed to be it. I negotiated a truce with her godfather, but now non-family members are piling in, including the neighbours, our nanny, a new schoolfriend's mum, and others. The result? Nine presents already!

AIBU to think that non-family should butt out?

Lots of gifts at Christmas does not a spoiled child make.

Bloody hell OP you must be seething, how dare anyone outside of your family care enough about your child to want to give them a gift? You must go no contact with them all immediately or your daughter will know there is a better and brighter life outside of your austere christmas!

It's Christmas and she won't always be 4 and cute.
Spread them out a bit. She'll learn gratitude by example as she gets older; she's still a bit young. Enjoy her enjoyment. She'll be grown up in a flash.

YABU, children arnt spoiled by lots of presents at Christmas alone, also she’s not a possession of yours, she is a human, who others care about, pushing those people away and controlling who can buy her a present isn’t helping her.

I get that you don't want to spoil your child but her throwing toys is a problem. You can't control people like that - especially when they want to show you DD they love and care for her. If you don't want her spoilt then suggest the toys she throws (and others) are taken by you both to a charity shop where someone can appreciate them. Talk to her about why they're important - maybe Barbados or a childrens hospice shop.

How would you even control it?

Nice neighbour pops around to hand in gift for your daughter and you say...'no thank you?'

Would be so weird. And rude.

What everyone else has already said. Soz.

@Jammallama

I get that you don't want to spoil your child but her throwing toys is a problem. You can't control people like that - especially when they want to show you DD they love and care for her. If you don't want her spoilt then suggest the toys she throws (and others) are taken by you both to a charity shop where someone can appreciate them. Talk to her about why they're important - maybe Barbados or a childrens hospice shop.

I wouldn't be taking my toy throwing 4 year old to Barbados as a punishment 😂

Seriously though OP, 4 years old is quite old to be throwing toys, so perhaps your austere parenting methods aren't really working out. Just a thought.

It shows people care and it’s the thought others have given
If any of my children had a thrown a toy because they didn’t like it then they’d get a warning about that and if it continued then I’d say no presents until you can be nice

Jesus, fucking relax. I haven't come across someone as uptight as you are in ages. It's Christmas, FFS. You can use this time of year to teach her about the importance of giving and gratitude.

I am concerned to hear about your child's behaviour when her Advent calendar gift isn't what she wanted. That is decidedly rude, ungrateful and not acceptable.

So I think the response to gifts is what I would be addressing, rather than turning away well-meant gifts.

I agree with the above.

YABVU - some children get very little in the way of gifts, I'm sure their parents would love to have your problem!! Be grateful so many people care about your DD and stop being such a grinch.

@Scarby9

I am concerned to hear about your child's behaviour when her Advent calendar gift isn't what she wanted. That is decidedly rude, ungrateful and not acceptable.

So I think the response to gifts is what I would be addressing, rather than turning away well-meant gifts.

Maybe spread out the opening eg. Open neighbours' gift on Christmas Eve then taking round to say thank you.

Or hand her a gift one at a time.

Or open one every hour or something.

And talk to her in advance about how to respond to a gift, even if it is not what you hoped for or even like. Praise her for a polite response (and swap some gifts if appropriate) and stop presents for a rude response.

Yes, that is also what's behind my concern. Very helpful, thank you.

My kids have had shed loads of presents and they've never thrown one at me in a rage because it wasn't what they wanted

Seriously OP I think you need to unclench a bit. I get the stress about loads of gifts (my in-laws go nuts) and not wanting your kids to be spoiled but that's not automatically linked to how much is spent and how many presents there are. Gratitude is an attitude than can be encouraged and fostered throughout the year in the small things and the big things. It won't be achieved by having uptight and frankly weird rules.

Spread out the opening of gifts if you'd rather. Also, your DC might ignore a gift on the day due to the excitement and volume of other things but they'll likely return to it in the days/weeks/months after Christmas and enjoy it then.

what a miserable way to view the kindness of other people. Imagine how she'll feel in the future when she finds out about your strange ruling on Christmas presents.

@gofg

I am concerned to hear about your child's behaviour when her Advent calendar gift isn't what she wanted. That is decidedly rude, ungrateful and not acceptable.

So I think the response to gifts is what I would be addressing, rather than turning away well-meant gifts.

I agree with the above.

YABVU - some children get very little in the way of gifts, I'm sure their parents would love to have your problem!! Be grateful so many people care about your DD and stop being such a grinch.

Will do, thank you.

Wow this is awful.

If your child doesn't need them why not gift them to kids who don't have much.

Why would you do that

I have grown up children and have a good younger friend with two children aged 11 and nearly 7. I like to give the children small gifts at Christmas and on their birthdays. This time I have bought them age appropriate toiletries and a selection box each, which cost less than £5 each. What is wrong with it? You should be pleased that other people like you and your daughter enough to give her a present. It also gives the giver pleasure.

This is a joke... right? Right?!!

9 presents already?! Shocking. How dare they?

My 4 year old has 23 presents, plus a stocking, and I'm going to enjoy every bloody moment of the ripping frenzy...

I'm going completely against the grain here
I think you are being very sensible about managing expectations for your child so I would keep the additional gifts to one side and give them to her as and when. You can thank the gift giver at the time and drop them the obligatory text but explain that your daughter may be overwhelmed by too much at the same time so you are saving the present for a later time. I think you are being really sensible

We open presents the whole week after Christmas
Mornings santa

Later grandparents

Then one or two presents from non family every day for the next week.

We found 5 selection boxes from last Christmas in a cupboard last week. We are already up to 7 selection boxes with another week to go

What we're the surprises she threw out? How did she handle it? Sounds like you're taking it too personally.
Of course you correct the behaviour, but she's 4! She's learning she has agen y over what she does and doesn't want, she's secure enough in your love to be honest about it, and she has her own tastes. So yes teach her respect, appreciation, manners etc but it sounds like you want to punish her by not letting people do something nice for her. You weren't even going to let her GOD FATHER buy her a gift.

Mumsnet is so weird about presents for children. This competitive who can give their kid the least thing is bizarre. There was someone the other day wanting to give away their child’s presents from her grandparents instead of giving them to her.

Years ago someone I worked with said it was lower class 🤔 to give kids lots of presents and I definitely get that same feeling from certain posters on mumsnet sometimes. Weird.

YABU. She's 4! Why can't she enjoy the excitement of Christmas.

Once all the presents are open, move most of them into a separate room, let her play with one or two, and when she tires of them, bring out another one.

The school holidays are 3 weeks long!