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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not want non-family to give my kid presents?

214 replies

MamaKatja · 17/12/2021 18:33

A bit of a reality check, please.

We are trying not to spoil our 4yo DD (ahem, at least not too much), including at Christmas. I just don't like kids on a ripping-open-presents frenzy, without really being able to enjoy even one because of the sheer abundance. Our DD has also become increasingly picky, throwing little surprises from her advent calendar (lovingly, or so I thought, compiled by me) at me whenever she didn't like them.

Now, we have a rule that family are allowed to give her one Christmas present each, as are my DH and I together. Plus one from Santa, and that's supposed to be it. I negotiated a truce with her godfather, but now non-family members are piling in, including the neighbours, our nanny, a new schoolfriend's mum, and others. The result? Nine presents already!

AIBU to think that non-family should butt out?

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaKatja · 17/12/2021 20:17

Plenty of valid points and some really great ideas here. Thanks for that. I will try to lighten up. Teaching application and gratitude will be a bit harder, but I agree one has to teach it throughout the year.

On the advent calendar, it was small things, such as a chocolate, an activity like baking biscuits, or a small box of crayons. She actually liked the activities best, so I'll run with those next year. I was quite strict with her about the throwing, particularly the second time round (I'll spare you the details, as I wouldn't want to risk any more swearing), and hopefully there'll be none of that when it comes to opening presents.

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaKatja · 17/12/2021 20:18

Appreciation, not application

OP posts:
SusieSusieSoo · 17/12/2021 20:23

My ds will get presents from Santa, his nana (bought by me - she is housebound), one real aunt & family and one aunt who is my lovely best friend. How lucky are you and your dc to have all these people buying presents for them.

runsmidgeOMG · 17/12/2021 20:25

OP in the nicest possible way do you think at 4yo she may have caught on to your attitude to gift restricting ?
At 4 when they still can't properly process their emotions knowing there won't be "much else" and not liking what she's got might have attributed to the unfortunate throwing of the gift.

I'm not condoning the throwing and you've covered that you responded sternly and will also address how she responds to gifts and that we have to be gracious in our approach even if it's not something we would have chosen. I'm also not suggesting that children should have oodles of gifts incase they happen not to like one thinks of rock painting set my DD has for Christmas that was most definitely not on the list

I hope I'm making some form of sense (please mumsnetters articulate for me better)
In short she may have realised you don't want her having many gifts and this could have caused the same problem you were trying to avoid.
HTH

thirddayout · 17/12/2021 20:29

I admire your intention but understand it may be difficult to achieve. As it is a four day bank holiday period (in all but name), could some of the presents be opened on another day. December 26th would be an opportunity to explain how Boxing Day came about.

PugInTheHouse · 17/12/2021 20:32

On my DS1s 2nd Christmas (he was under 2) all the family went OTT (us included), he was the 1st grandchild, nephew etc and they bought him a sack full of presents each. He probably had 4 sack fulls from us,my parents, SIL and my DB plus presents from friends and non immediate family. It was ridiculous, after a while he just said no more presents. It was way too overwhelming. We didn't necessarily spend loads on him but the volume was in hindsight absolutely ridiculous. Also he was bought 5 chocolate advent calendars, we assumed no one else would so we got one but so did my parents, MIL and FIL who were separated and also SIL.

We definitely scaled back hugely after that year, my parents were upset as they were so excited about him opening their careful thought out gifts, it was very stressful for us and he didn't enjoy it at all. We all learned a lot from that Xmas.

That said, scaling back just meant we bought his main presents and didn't buy all the little bits and pieces, also the family asked what he wanted/needed and spent more money on less items. Its lovely for them to open lots of gifts on Christmas day, but also people love giving presents. I would happily get nothing and just watch everyone else open theirs.

My DS is 15 now and earning his own money. He asked to go shopping today to buy extra gifts for his dad and my parents, he also spent a whole nights work on his brothers gift. I will give him the money inadvertently at some point as he insists he wants to pay for it all himself. I love the fact he is excited about buying and giving presents. He hasn't asked for anything at all for Christmas this year either.

inappropriateraspberry · 17/12/2021 20:37

It's not about how many presents they get or who they're from. Teach them to be appreciative of those that care enough to give them something and how lucky they are to be loved and lucky to have such lovely things.

UsernameInTheTown · 17/12/2021 20:38

9 presents is nothing. This really won't spoil her.

HelpNeedCoolUsername8 · 17/12/2021 20:38

Lead by example and model the behaviour you want to see from your child. When someone gives you or your child a gift, take it and say thank you very much! I was absolutely bowled over by the generosity of friends and family for my son’s first Christmas last year. It took him all day to open the presents because it was all a bit of overwhelming for him, but no way in hell would I be so ungrateful as to say no to the lovely people who sent them. I wouldn’t even stagger the opening. I loved watching him discover his new things, and I’ve loved watching him enjoy them all year. It’s Christmas, have a port and just enjoy!

RosesAndHellebores · 17/12/2021 20:39

The greatest gifts your dd can receive are those of graciousness and good manners I wonder from where she will learn about them.

I rarely give a MNet biscuit OP but here you go.
Biscuit

Your attitude provokes speechlessness.

SaltedCaramelHC · 17/12/2021 20:39

Also - you could be eco conscious and talk about recycling the wrapping paper, saving the bows, re-using gift bags, etc. We always re-used wrapping paper even when I was quite small! That meant that you couldn't just rip into things, but you can to do it a bit more carefully and mindfully, and I think that then extended to all aspects of present-opening: it was just something that was done slowly and carefully, the wrapping might have been commented on, the tags read, the bows taken off and saved, the whole experience was savoured I guess. Then a list was made of who gave what, for the purposes of thank yous later, if the person wasn't there. It was just a more drawn out process, more patient and slow, and ripping and going wild was just never a part of it.

Even still, we had to learn appreciation, and it wasn't an easy thing; I used to get reminded, years afterwards, that I always used to be sad and ask if there were any more when the tree was empty, or wanted to wait to open the last one, or wanted to trade something with one of my sisters' stockings because I liked hers better, etc. So I had plenty of moments of ungraciousness. But I think the slow and mindful way can be helpful, as it focuses on things other than just getting to the gift as fast as possible.

Spoldge45 · 17/12/2021 20:39

I totally understand your sentiment as DD has 2 very spoilt friends & sadly one is particular is extremely ungrateful which isn't very nice to see, but as someone who child only gets presents from us & 1 kind neighbour I certainly do understand many of the the other points of view.

When kids are young at that age they often get so caught in the moment & the excitement they often 'forget' about certain presents & you can tuck them away either for when they are older or for when they genuinely need said item (such clothing/stationary etc..) & that way its not such a whole load in one go & is more likely to be appreciated.

worriedatthemoment · 17/12/2021 20:40

A few extra presents at xmas don't make a child spoilt , its what happens throughout the rest of the year that does
Maybe involve her in buying some presents back so she sees its not all about receiving , even if its that she makes some things as gofts

inappropriateraspberry · 17/12/2021 20:41

Also, nine presents is pretty mean, unless they are all big ticket things. She will soon start comparing to others, and whilst I don't condone competition or 'keeping up with the joneses,' you need to balance things up more.

mam0918 · 17/12/2021 20:42

I feel sorry for your kid, not for the presents but the militant control of my way or nothing you seem to want to force on them and everyone else.

Honestly, I would ditch the advent of 24 pieces of useless crap (let face it it's either edible or tat if it fits in an advent) and let the kid have more proper gifts from people who love them.

The gift is for the child not you so how you feel about gifts really doesn't matter and you can't police other people. If someone mentioned nicely that they are 'anti-gun' or something I would happily avoid buying their kid a nerf gun etc... but if someone TOLD me rudely what I can and can't do in regards to gifting another person they would just make me pettily do the opposit.

me4real · 17/12/2021 20:43

YABU @MamaKatja , it's Xmas.

You could somehow get her to send thank you cards maybe.

Els1e · 17/12/2021 20:44

If you get the chance, watch the film about Joan Crawford (actress) as a mother. Based on daughter’s recollections of growing up but includes what she saw as the over control of presents as abuse.

mam0918 · 17/12/2021 20:46

@runsmidgeOMG

OP in the nicest possible way do you think at 4yo she may have caught on to your attitude to gift restricting ? At 4 when they still can't properly process their emotions knowing there won't be "much else" and not liking what she's got might have attributed to the unfortunate throwing of the gift.

I'm not condoning the throwing and you've covered that you responded sternly and will also address how she responds to gifts and that we have to be gracious in our approach even if it's not something we would have chosen. I'm also not suggesting that children should have oodles of gifts incase they happen not to like one thinks of rock painting set my DD has for Christmas that was most definitely not on the list

I hope I'm making some form of sense (please mumsnetters articulate for me better)
In short she may have realised you don't want her having many gifts and this could have caused the same problem you were trying to avoid.
HTH

This, I find the kids with the worst attitudes to gifts are the ones that are restricted not the ones that are indulged.

Think logically about the world people don't steal or get into debt or beg etc... because they DO have something a lot of bad life lessons are taught from people feeling they were unfairly done by and trying to fix that not someone being content that they got more than they could ask for.

JKDinomum · 17/12/2021 20:46

9 presents? My kids have always had a sackful each (same as I did as a kid) and aren't remotely spoilt.

Jacketpotato84 · 17/12/2021 20:47

If you don't want her going on a gift opening frenzy why don't you space it out a bit open a 3 on Christmas eve 3 on Christmas day and 3 on boxing day.
You could always give what she doesn't want to charity I'm sure another child will enjoy?

silverbubbles · 17/12/2021 20:47

I think it is odd that you are anti excessive gifts yet you give your child an advent calender with a daily gift in it!!!!!????????

Get a grip and teach your child a lesson by binning it and get a proper one with pictures in.

coatofsomanycolours · 17/12/2021 20:49

For many people the joy of Christmas is in the giving. Especially from older people who may not have children or grandchildren of their own to give gifts to. It may make their whole Christmas to be able to give a little something to your daughter, and to deprive them of that would be so very sad.

I think your posts break my heart a little bit as I think of all the children I have fostered who would never receive anything if only family were allowed to give them presents.

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 20:52

Weird stealth boast of a thread.

driftcompatible · 17/12/2021 20:52

Butt out?! That's your response to generosity?! If your child is a spoilt little shit that's on you. When my child has a lot of presents I stagger them out. Only one at a time is opened. No ripping frenzy. Thank you cards written. Etc. You need to sort your parenting out rather than be nasty about those who are being kind and generous.

YABU and a total twat.

Amberflames · 17/12/2021 20:57

My god you sound painful.

You’re annoyed your Nanny wants to give her a gift?!