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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not want non-family to give my kid presents?

214 replies

MamaKatja · 17/12/2021 18:33

A bit of a reality check, please.

We are trying not to spoil our 4yo DD (ahem, at least not too much), including at Christmas. I just don't like kids on a ripping-open-presents frenzy, without really being able to enjoy even one because of the sheer abundance. Our DD has also become increasingly picky, throwing little surprises from her advent calendar (lovingly, or so I thought, compiled by me) at me whenever she didn't like them.

Now, we have a rule that family are allowed to give her one Christmas present each, as are my DH and I together. Plus one from Santa, and that's supposed to be it. I negotiated a truce with her godfather, but now non-family members are piling in, including the neighbours, our nanny, a new schoolfriend's mum, and others. The result? Nine presents already!

AIBU to think that non-family should butt out?

OP posts:
Chikapu · 17/12/2021 19:17

I honestly never knew people had such fucked up ideas about Christmas and gift giving.

TuftyMarmoset · 17/12/2021 19:18

9 presents at Christmas is not what has given her this ungrateful attitude, it’s how you patent her throughout the year. And 9 is not what I would consider excessive anyway, unless they’re all ponies or something…

humdingle · 17/12/2021 19:18

Oh come off it

Teaching gratitude and pacing the present-opening and discouraging greed is down to your parenting. Don't take a shortcut by banning presents - what a lazy selfish thing to do!

Emerald5hamrock · 17/12/2021 19:18

Start re-gifting on birthday occasions for friends and family.
You can't police gifts.
Is she getting a gift daily from her advent calendar or a small piece of chocolate?

luinagreine · 17/12/2021 19:19

I don't think that kids get spoiled from getting lots of gifts at an occasion. It is more of a boundary thing year round rather than gifts. Things like always getting their own way and never being expected to comprimse.

Dochas1211 · 17/12/2021 19:20

Why don’t you change how you open presents instead? We did Santa presents in morning. Then presents from family and friends after breakfast around 11.

AmyDudley · 17/12/2021 19:20

She may be does not know how to respond to receiving gifts because you restrict gift giving, she needs opportunities to learn how to receive graciously.
Nine gifts sounds fine, she's not going to go into a frenzy or become spoilt with 9 gifts, I agree with you that in some families gift giving becomes beyond ridiculous with thousands of pounds spent and mountains of presents. But there is a happy place in the middle.
You don't want her to become awkward and uncomfortable around receiving gifts as she will receive them in her life - on various occasions.

If you are worried just spread them out keep a few back for emergencies (maybe if she misses a treat because she is poorly, or another lockdown happens and you need an amusement for her). Another option if people are desparate to give is to ask them to put a little cash into a bank for her.

As an aside - I think if you ask someone to take on the lifetime commitment of being a Godfather, then it would be kind to allow them the pleasure of gift giving on special occasions.

Gretaburley · 17/12/2021 19:20

OP you will look back in 20 years and realise what a control freak you must have been.

I am much older and hopefully wiser. I don’t regret being too soft with my dc but I do regret any unnecessary rules and punishments.
I spoil my dgs and he’s a beautiful, well adjusted dc.

Saz12 · 17/12/2021 19:20

OP, you sound a bit... spoiled. In that people aren’t doing what YOU want them to do, so you’re cross at them.

Your DC should not be throwing toys at you. That’s beyond rude, and I would be addressing that very firmly! Teach her that everyone likes treats - maybe put treats in the advent calendar for you & DP as well (eg scented candle for you, or miniature soap or shaving brush or whatever) on other advent days.

I understand what you mean about so much STUFF that nothing is appreciated or valued. But this isn’t the way to address it! Open gifts over a few hours/days, whatever.

Riverlee · 17/12/2021 19:23

My dc have never had a ‘ripping frenzy’. They have stocking presents on getting up. Then the presents are distributed throughout the day,

Blackmagicqueen · 17/12/2021 19:23

*":47bonetiredwithtwins

9 presents isn't a lot really.....I think you're being really precious and clearly whatever you're trying to instil in your daughter hasn't worked if she throws toys she doesn't like at you?"*

Maybe trying to break the control by having her own opinion in what she does and doesn't like. Are the toys selected things she likes or the parent's preference?

mrsm43s · 17/12/2021 19:24

Kids do not get spoilt by getting lots of presents at Christmas. They get spoilt by not being parented appropriately and consistently all year round. For example, routinely being allowed to get away with bad behaviour unchallenged.

Her behaviour with the advent calendar was appalling. You need to parent her and address her poor behaviour.

You can't expect everyone else to stop buying her presents, just because you can't be bothered to deal with normal parenting challenges. Having multiple presents at Christmas is the norm. It's up to you to manage her behaviour.

Emerald5hamrock · 17/12/2021 19:24

OP has acknowledged her DD's attitude is the issue not the gift givers.

If she throws a toy send her to the naughty step or whatever your thing is immediately.

CombatBarbie · 17/12/2021 19:25

So I get both sides. When we were small, if there was lots of presents, they were spread out between Xmas and New year week. Some kids can get overwhelmed with too many at one time.

imlostandfussy · 17/12/2021 19:27

Why would you NOT want to spoil your child on at Christmas?!

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/12/2021 19:29

I am glad you’re listening. You are expecting far too much from a little girl, who is not much more than a baby. She’s learning. Don’t shame her for her reactions. Gratitude for something she doesn’t like is a skill she is yet to learn. As the parent, this is one thing amongst many to teach her and she will get it when she is cognitively ready.

itwasntaparty · 17/12/2021 19:29

You sound fun.

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 17/12/2021 19:30

@mrsm43s

Kids do not get spoilt by getting lots of presents at Christmas. They get spoilt by not being parented appropriately and consistently all year round. For example, routinely being allowed to get away with bad behaviour unchallenged.

Her behaviour with the advent calendar was appalling. You need to parent her and address her poor behaviour.

You can't expect everyone else to stop buying her presents, just because you can't be bothered to deal with normal parenting challenges. Having multiple presents at Christmas is the norm. It's up to you to manage her behaviour.

^ that!!

& I hope the next thing your nanny gives your family is her resignation, so she can work where she's appreciated & not treat like just the hired help!

Blackmagicqueen · 17/12/2021 19:31

". Some kids can get overwhelmed with too many at one time."

9 gifts at Christmas is hardly overwhelming for a 4 yr old!

shouldistop · 17/12/2021 19:32

People buying her gifts won't make her spoiled. It also won't make her throw toys in your face Shock. She needs a consequence for that. Personally my consequence would have been removing the whole advent calendar after one warning.

Ohdofuckoffcovid · 17/12/2021 19:33

Is that you Grinch? You sound very controling

Blackmagicqueen · 17/12/2021 19:33

I feel sorry for the gift givers in this who have obviously been kind and thoughtful.

Thinkbiglittleone · 17/12/2021 19:33

So, IMO being spoilt is not about the amount of "stuff"you have or are given, it's about your response to the "stuff" you are given.

Our DS does get a lot of toys really at Christmas off everyone. But he appreciates everything he is given, he shows good manners and looks after his toys. He doesn't get toys outside of birthday and Christmas.

I think working on her attitude to the things she is given is more important than refusing to let others buy her gifts. But you know your DD best and if stopping her receiving toys is the way, go for it, but I'm not sure that would be my move, I would work on appreciation and manners.

Goldbar · 17/12/2021 19:33

Your nanny should absolutely be allowed to give your DD a present.

Have you taken your DD shopping for a present for her nanny to express her appreciation for everything the nanny does for her?

For the other presents, accept graciously and, if you don't want them, re-gift.

RedWingBoots · 17/12/2021 19:34

@mrsm43s

Kids do not get spoilt by getting lots of presents at Christmas. They get spoilt by not being parented appropriately and consistently all year round. For example, routinely being allowed to get away with bad behaviour unchallenged.

Her behaviour with the advent calendar was appalling. You need to parent her and address her poor behaviour.

You can't expect everyone else to stop buying her presents, just because you can't be bothered to deal with normal parenting challenges. Having multiple presents at Christmas is the norm. It's up to you to manage her behaviour.

This

Also she doesn't have to open all the presents on Christmas Day.

My DD gets lots of presents on her Birthday and Christmas from random people. She actually likes the presents more if she doesn't open them all at once.