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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not want non-family to give my kid presents?

214 replies

MamaKatja · 17/12/2021 18:33

A bit of a reality check, please.

We are trying not to spoil our 4yo DD (ahem, at least not too much), including at Christmas. I just don't like kids on a ripping-open-presents frenzy, without really being able to enjoy even one because of the sheer abundance. Our DD has also become increasingly picky, throwing little surprises from her advent calendar (lovingly, or so I thought, compiled by me) at me whenever she didn't like them.

Now, we have a rule that family are allowed to give her one Christmas present each, as are my DH and I together. Plus one from Santa, and that's supposed to be it. I negotiated a truce with her godfather, but now non-family members are piling in, including the neighbours, our nanny, a new schoolfriend's mum, and others. The result? Nine presents already!

AIBU to think that non-family should butt out?

OP posts:
HappyMeal564 · 17/12/2021 19:34

I don't think the problem is being spoilt at Christmas, it's how they are the rest of the year. Throwing items from her advent calendar that she doesn't like at you suggests there is a bigger picture to be looked at here

shouldistop · 17/12/2021 19:35

Ds1 gets tonnes of presents at his birthdays and Christmas from a wide range of people. He loves getting presents so much that it's turned him into a very generous wee boy. He absolutely loves choosing gifts for people, drawing pictures for people or sharing any chocolate he has etc.
Giving kids gifts doesn't make them spoiled, it teaches them generosity IMO

TurnUpTurnip · 17/12/2021 19:35

My kids don’t get from anyone only me, which puts a lot of pressure on me to make sure they have an ok amount, I would be glad people care about your child though im amazed new school mum friends are giving presents?! Think that’s unusual

diddl · 17/12/2021 19:35

So you don't want to spoil her but she's had a present a day since the first of the month & it has carried on even though she has thrown them?

It's lovely that others want to buy her presents.

Just hand them one at a time & say who they're from-don't let her get into a "ripping frenzy".

Blackmagicqueen · 17/12/2021 19:36

"Have you taken your DD shopping for a present for her nanny to express her appreciation for everything the nanny does for her?"

This^

ilssagain · 17/12/2021 19:36

YABU.
I can't believe you "negotiated a truce" with the child's godfather - he should be allowed to give a present even if you ban other people. The relationship with the godparent is supposed to be a bit closer and a bit more special than with other random family friends for example.

Let people give her things for goodness sake - they probably get a lot of joy out of choosing something and giving it. And the nanny?? For heaven's sake - the nanny should be able to giver her something.

However, you can change how and when she opens the presents. Why not open them straight away when someone comes round? My parents did this with me as a kid - so Mam's friend always used to come round on the 23rd with something small and I was allowed to open it then rather than it going under the tree with everything else - it took the edge off waiting for Christmas a bit (I used to get very wound up) and also meant the friend could see me open it and I could thank her directly.
You don't have to pile everything under the tree and then open it all within the space of an hour on Christmas morning - you could do Santa and parent presents then; other family presents in the afternoon; and any other additional presents as and when you receive them.

But you do need to address the throwing of the presents from the advent calendar. If she did that again I'd probably stop it for a few days at least (removing the presents from the missed days) and then try again. Maybe a simpler advent calendar next year - just a simple one with pictures or a chocolate one.

Tiredalwaystired · 17/12/2021 19:36

At four the world and his wife seemed to turn up with gifts for my kids. Always gratefully received

At 14 not so much 😂

One of life’s lessons is you don’t get to control what others do. You just get to control your own reaction to the choices of others.

Focus on that bit and chill.

saraclara · 17/12/2021 19:36

My children were lucky enough to have people who loved then and wanted to give presents to them. So they had lots of gifts at Christmas.
But one day a year does not spoil a child. My two have never been greedy, spoiled, or taken generosity for granted. In fact, being in receipt of such love and generosity seems to have made them generous adults too.
The other 364 days of the year are what form your children's characters.

TiddlesTheTiger · 17/12/2021 19:37

I'm glad you're taking on the advice to address your child's nasty behaviour.
You can't expect other people to allow for that by not giving gifts.

If my child threw advent calendar gifts at me, I would remove the calendar altogether.

Cocomarine · 17/12/2021 19:38

So have you taken all the presents out of your lovingly compiled calendar yet?
I would have done.
One small chocolate.
Maybe a small gift a week later to check how well she took your teaching her not to behave so badly.
If I’d pulled that shit as a child, there’d be no more calendar, end of.
It won’t be presents from friends that lead to unappreciative present frenzy - it will be how you respond to her bad behaviour over the calendar.

Mrsjayy · 17/12/2021 19:38

Gifts don't spoil children it's the attitude I mean she is your child but are you going to be this uptight forever, what about when more friends give her presents or grandma buys the "wrong thing" you are being ridiculous

Mrstamborineman · 17/12/2021 19:39

Stealth boast alert. People want to buy gifts for my dc.

godmum56 · 17/12/2021 19:39

I think the throwing advent calendar gifts is weird. Does she throw other stuff?

SunshineCake1 · 17/12/2021 19:40

Butt out?

Bloody hell.

Tubs11 · 17/12/2021 19:40

I could not get worked up about this
I wouldn't be surprised if DD's rejection of advent gifts is a result of your rejection of non family gifts

SunshineCake1 · 17/12/2021 19:41

Even with your dictat she's still behaving badly by throwing gifts at you so not really working out well for you is it?

cafedesreves · 17/12/2021 19:41

Sorry I think this is totally mad!

Anothermumm · 17/12/2021 19:42

Rather than taking away some of the gifts (or avoiding her being given them at all) I would focus on teaching her to be grateful for what she has already and how to be thankful for even small gifts. E.g. helping her to write a little thank you note for each gift, getting her involved with some charity work such as giving old toys and clothes to a local women's refuge and explaining how to respond if she doesn't like a gift. I know she is only young but I think if children get involved in things that teach them to be thankful they develop a sense of the world wider than themselves which can help combat a sense of entitlement or being 'spoilt'.

SaltedCaramelHC · 17/12/2021 19:45

we never had a 'ripping frenzy' with gifts when we were children. We had one present from Santa, one from parents, one from each sibling, and then others from grandparents, occasional family friends, smaller things from 'the elves' or 'rudolph' or whatever. Each present was handed out one at a time and people waited while you opened it and appreciated it; we tried not to take too long about it, or sometimes two or three would be opened at the same time, but it taught patience, and about enjoying the person's pleasure at receiving the present, and the excitement of giving something that you hoped the person would like. You also don't want to deny family and friends of the chance to give gifts, which is something many people enjoy! I don't have children, but i have nieces and nephews, and if I'd not been allowed to give gifts to them, I'd have really missed that. My sister used to try to get me to give the useful but slightly more boring things like subscriptions or memberships, but I remember feeling that I really wanted to give something that the child would like, and to be there when they opened it, as part of our relationship (I lived far away so didn't always see them). It was as much for me as for them!

You can work on her being spoiled in other ways. I know some children who have everything, and are not spoiled - always polite and grateful and look after things and don't demand or expect. And others who... well... spoiled would be one way of putting it.

Learning to give and receive gifts is a social skill, too. Being polite about something you don't like or want, or even something you do really like - getting over the awkwardness of saying thank you etc. is a good skill to learn. And being able to nicely give someone a present and say happy Christmas or whatever. I've had a couple of pupils bring me a present and say 'my mum said I should give this to you' or whatever. They weren't trying to be surly or awkward, and I know that they did actually wish me well, but had no idea how to express it. So there's a whole culture around how to give and receive things graciously, and it's good for children to learn that by seeing it when they're young, from a neighbour dropping off a plate of mince pies to a nanny giving them something they really like, and seeing how it's done and learning how to respond.

SamMil · 17/12/2021 19:46

She's lucky to have so many people in her life who care about her.

SaltedCaramelHC · 17/12/2021 19:46

yeah, and also the 'butt out' thing sound really rude, like they're deliberately intruding where they shouldn't be or aren't invited. Gift giving isn't really like that!

MintMatchmaker · 17/12/2021 19:47

Unclench, it’s Christmas.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 17/12/2021 19:47

Instead of worrying in a monumentally controlling way about people giving your DD presents, introduce her to the joy of giving presents to other people. I always feel sad for kids who aren't taught to do this because - even for young children - it's almost as fun as receiving gifts. I still remember the thrill as a young child of giving my aunts and GPs the various bits of cheap tat that I'd lovingly chosen for them, which they pretended to love.

SoftSheen · 17/12/2021 19:47

Stop being so miserable and ungrateful. Instead, encourage your DD to appreciate and enjoy her gifts, and to thank the givers nicely, perhaps with a homemade card.

As well as being unkind to your DD, you are also spoiling other people's pleasure and being very controlling.

daisyjgrey · 17/12/2021 19:48

Our DD has also become increasingly picky, throwing little surprises from her advent calendar (lovingly, or so I thought, compiled by me) at me whenever she didn't like them.

This isn't about the amount of presents but her attitude towards them. If it's a regular occurrence, and not just a one-off bad mood/present timing issue, it's learnt behaviour at that age. The frenzied ripping open of presents isn't a natural behaviour and it comes from somewhere.