Confused by the ‘great fathers’

Electricbug321 · 2021-12-17T15:00:23+00:00

AIBU to be confused and frustrated that describe their DP as a great/brilliant/fantastic father in their OP, but then describe behaviour that is anything but good parenting. At best the men in those posts are only doing the fun stuff or are ‘hands on’ but only around for a few minutes a day. Is the bar really so low for men?

WorraLiberty · 17/12/2021 15:04

YANBU, some bars are so low they're barely off the ground.

"He's a fantastic dad but I do all the cooking because he could burn water!"

Followed by other MNetters agreeing and finding it hilarious.

So if they split up or the OP died, the kids wouldn't get any cooked food?

Yeah, bollocks.

jetadore · 17/12/2021 15:24

So if they split up or the OP died, the kids wouldn't get any cooked food?

Of course not, he’d be sure to find some other mug with similarly reduced expectations to replace her.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 17/12/2021 15:38

I try my best not to read those threads on mumsnet but there are so many of them that they're often difficult to avoid.

It upsets me to see that so many women have such shockingly low expectations of the men in their lives and see their own role as being one of servitude.

The threads usually say something like "DH works full time with long hours and attends his hobby 3 times per week. At weekends, he goes out drinking with his friends. I work part time, do all the cooking, cleaning, child rearing, and household admin. I never go out or do anything without the children. Am I being unreasonable to want DH to look after the children next Saturday as a one off so I can go for a meal for my friend's birthday?"

I really have to remind myself that mumsnet isn't always representative and that people who are in good, healthy relationships are less likely to post a thread about it.

crazyjinglist · 17/12/2021 15:39

YANBU at all. Unbelievably low bars. It's as if some women count showing any interest or affection whatsoever for the children as being a good father. As if all they judge it on is whether the infrequent interactions between father and child are vaguely positive. And they ignore the potential effects of the father's generally avsent/neglectful/ shitty behaviour on the children, and the knock-on effects on them from how he treats his children's mother too.

WorraLiberty · 17/12/2021 15:59

I agree @Gettingthereslowly2020

It's nearly always "DP works very long hours, 6 days a week".

They can't see that they've given them the luxury of being able to work all these hours, because often it's bloody easier than doing an 8 hour shift and then dealing with kids, dinner, homework, after school clubs etc after work, like many women have to do because the bloke's working 'long hours'

megletthesecond · 17/12/2021 16:02

Yep. The bar is that low.

MuckleMadMoose · 17/12/2021 16:05

YANBU. The bar is so low yet some men still trip over it

Ddmcm · 17/12/2021 16:06

I always think the posters know deep down they aren't 'great fathers' but they have trouble realising this fact & then following the thought through to action

forinborin · 17/12/2021 16:08

I actually think it is entrenched in the society.

Dads get praised for doing most basic things with the children when out and about. My eyes roll so hard when people start cooing over a misbehaving child in a supermarket - if s/he is with Dad. A mother would be just given stern glances in such situation.

My ex gets praises on social media from all relatives and friends when he posts "our day out with the children" photos - never mind that he actually bothers to see them every couple of months or so for a few hours only. Just today, posted a nativity video, it was the first time he bothered to see them since the half-term - and people who know this are all "ahhh, how lucky they are to have such a great Dad!"

RampantIvy · 17/12/2021 16:08

I sometimes wonder if they have never been in a functional and equal relationship, or have had no role models in their lives that demonstrate how a relationship should be.

I feel especially sad for the women in abusive relationships with alcoholics or people with other addictions. There are far too many threads on here just now in this vein.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 17/12/2021 16:11

@WorraLiberty

I agree *@Gettingthereslowly2020*

It's nearly always "DP works very long hours, 6 days a week".

They can't see that they've given them the luxury of being able to work all these hours, because often it's bloody easier than doing an 8 hour shift and then dealing with kids, dinner, homework, after school clubs etc after work, like many women have to do because the bloke's working 'long hours'

Yes, the women have often sacrificed their own careers, ambitions, and goals in life so that husband dearest can work all hours, and develop an amazing career

Homeatlast2 · 17/12/2021 16:24

Is it (sometimes) a generation thing ? I realised that my children's father had everything done for him by his mum. And it was like I was expected to take over the mother role. Fuck that not happening I think the whole family was like wtf when they have realised I won't wait on him. Of course if I'm cooking a family meal I include him. But if I announce I'm not cooking today sort yourself out all the kids do themselves a dinner. But he gets a tin of soup and gives the vibe why are you not looking after me.

Fair enough I don't work but I do have children to look after also with special needs. I also take on all the emotional and mental health side of things. He also does not understand that his day ends at 5pm after that he sits on his arse . My day carry on till around 10pm if I'm lucky.

He cooks once a year and does the fun stuff with the kids and wants a medal . What do I get fuck all

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/12/2021 16:28

Yanbu. I read one this week that said he is a great dad...but has never done any hands on parenting, wont let the kids play in their rooms but shouts at them being noisy downstairs, wont give them lifts anywhere, doesn't want to pay for any of their hobbies, doesn't really interact with them and is often grumpy. I was wondering what was possibly left that could make him a good dad!

LittleRoundRobin · 17/12/2021 16:31

YANBU. I f*cking hate the 'but he's a great dad' line that some women come out with on here. It makes me cringe, because 19 times out of 20, they are NOT a great dad.

IncompleteSenten · 17/12/2021 16:33

Low standards.

Man does some of the very basic things that are expected of a parent and he is a Brilliant Father. 🙄

Woman changes her baby's nappies, interacts with them and gets up in the night and that's just being a mum.
Dad does it and he deserves a standing ovation and a fucking medal.

He's a total dick and shouts and won't do the cleaning and I cook everything and he fucks off all weekend every weekend with his Hobby but oh he's a Brilliant Dad because he changed a nappy last week and acknowledges his child's existence on the planet

Yeah.

He's a fucking hero alright. 🙄

LuckyAmy1986 · 17/12/2021 16:34

It's when they seem to find it funny that it bothers me the most. Or are they just pretending to find it funny because the fact that they have married useless knobs is just too upsetting to bear?

Potplant · 17/12/2021 16:35

It’s hard to admit to yourself that the you picked a dud.

MindyStClaire · 17/12/2021 16:40

Yup. I often remark that I'm not a brilliant mother but I'd make a fucking fantastic father.

(I should point out for clarity that DH does his 50% - but of course he's a hero to the world.)

notacooldad · 17/12/2021 16:43

Those posts really annoy me.
A good dad deals with all the shitty stuff, does what ever needs doing, supports his partner with her hopes and dreams, guides his children on a good path that is fun, disciplined and a great life long adventure, He never 'babysits' his children. He may make mistakes but owns them. He doesn't come out with bullshit sexist nonsense or has a partner that tries to justify his behaviour.

The saddest part is, if you have one of these your friends tell you that you are 'lucky'. Bloody lucky!!!

I'm not lucky, I just took my time, would rather be single forever than have a deadbeat. I didn't have a fella moving in with me within a few days of meeting him and have a baby on the way a couple of months later like a lof ot the whingy posts on MN complaining about their partners that they hardly knew before ending up have a lifelong connection to him.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 17/12/2021 16:45

I think the pp who said it's entrenched in society is spot on. Men are seen as breadwinners but completely incapable of doing anything at all other than paid work and enjoying themselves. A woman's role is seen as one of service, she must look after her man and the children. She must put them before herself at all times.

A friend laughed as she was telling me her husband had just a slice of bread for his evening meal when she went out for dinner with friends. She thought it was a funny anecdote that the man she chooses to spend her life with can't (won't) even cook a simple meal. I don't think my reaction is the one she wanted!

SleepingStandingUp · 17/12/2021 16:47

DH is a good dad. He always gets up in the morning with them l, he has them when I go out, he is genuinely an equal partner. But it still pisses me off when he's praised for basic parenting because he has a penis. To his credit, it annoys him too

NellieBertram · 17/12/2021 16:48

He's such a great dad, the kids would be heartbroken if we split up because they love him so much but he probably wouldn't see them again...

He's such a great dad, the kids adore him, he just doesn't give me any money so I have to spend all the child benefit on children's shoes and school dinners and sometimes the atmosphere in the house is so bad when he's giving me the silent treatment or pushing me around... luckily he's out at his mysterious hobby 4 nights a week and every weekend.

LittleRoundRobin · 17/12/2021 17:01

@LuckyAmy1986

It's when they seem to find it funny that it bothers me the most. Or are they just pretending to find it funny because the fact that they have married useless knobs is just too upsetting to bear?

This. ^ Yep!

Homeatlast2 · 17/12/2021 17:03

Oh and then there's the single mother thing . Oh she's a single mother 3 kids should have kept her legs closed she on benefits bla bla.

Single father. He does so well, takes them kids to school every day . Can see he loves them dearly . Can't believe she walked out and left him to bring up them kids .

LittleRoundRobin · 17/12/2021 17:03

@NellieBertram

He's such a great dad, the kids would be heartbroken if we split up because they love him so much but he probably wouldn't see them again...

He's such a great dad, the kids adore him, he just doesn't give me any money so I have to spend all the child benefit on children's shoes and school dinners and sometimes the atmosphere in the house is so bad when he's giving me the silent treatment or pushing me around... luckily he's out at his mysterious hobby 4 nights a week and every weekend.