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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Confused by the ‘great fathers’

203 replies

Electricbug321 · 17/12/2021 15:00

AIBU to be confused and frustrated that describe their DP as a great/brilliant/fantastic father in their OP, but then describe behaviour that is anything but good parenting. At best the men in those posts are only doing the fun stuff or are ‘hands on’ but only around for a few minutes a day.

Is the bar really so low for men?

OP posts:
XelaM · 18/12/2021 15:44

My dad is a great father. Truly the best father anyone could wish for. He would do (and has done) ANYTHING for me and my brother. He is an absolute gem and is practically my best friend. HOWEVER, if I were to describe him on MN in great detail, I'm sure Mumsnetters would be up in arms about some of behaviour because he wasn't some saintly robot, but sometimes shouts and is generally human! MN is not the best place to judge men

crazyjinglist · 18/12/2021 15:54

HOWEVER, if I were to describe him on MN in great detail, I'm sure Mumsnetters would be up in arms about some of behaviour because he wasn't some saintly robot, but sometimes shouts and is generally human! MN is not the best place to judge men.

No, MN isn't the best place to judge men - because an awful lot of women on here don't judge their men harshly enough. Hence the number of women staying with awful men, minimising awful male behaviour or being apologists for abusers. Maybe your dad really is a great father. But your snide implication that any father considered good, or better than yours, by MN must be a 'saintly robot' is pretty telling imo. Parental behaviour that you think MN would be 'up in arms about' certainly doesn't sound very good.

DrSbaitso · 18/12/2021 15:54

@XelaM

My dad is a great father. Truly the best father anyone could wish for. He would do (and has done) ANYTHING for me and my brother. He is an absolute gem and is practically my best friend. HOWEVER, if I were to describe him on MN in great detail, I'm sure Mumsnetters would be up in arms about some of behaviour because he wasn't some saintly robot, but sometimes shouts and is generally human! MN is not the best place to judge men
Well, why don't you tell us all the things he does, good and bad, and see? Because the entire point of the thread is that dads get huge praise for things considered baseline in mums.
HugeAckmansWife · 18/12/2021 15:58

OK then, mrHR, help me stop making assumptions and tell me what things on that long list you do, or did do when the children were younger.

Comedycook · 18/12/2021 16:05

I know one divorced couple where the man does the vast majority of child rearing since they split up...I'll be honest, I judge the mum hard.

DrSbaitso · 18/12/2021 16:52

@Comedycook

I know one divorced couple where the man does the vast majority of child rearing since they split up...I'll be honest, I judge the mum hard.
Would you judge the dad hard if it were the other way round?
Comedycook · 18/12/2021 16:57

No @drsbaitso I wouldn't and I'm aware of that

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 18/12/2021 17:04

@HugeAckmansWife

OK then, mrHR, help me stop making assumptions and tell me what things on that long list you do, or did do when the children were younger.
All of it, when they're here. For example, we have 8 uniforms each to cater for spoiled clothing. The uniforms are washed and ironed by me, each has their own wardrobe, they're now expected to manage this correctly. I do school-nursery drop-offs and pick-ups ever since they were born.

Post-divorce they do not go to after school, they come here and have a meal cooked from scratch every day, take out once a week.
My business hr are 9-2-30 the weeks they're here, other weeks are full weeks or to suit customer needs.
The business was set up like this when the children were born, built-in flexibility.
Mrs. Hr works from 730 am- 4-7 pm 5 days a week, with 2 days of office which is a 4 hr commute both days.
Next week she's in the office every day, all home tasks will be done by me, washing, meals, last min organizing of holidays and extracurricular activities.
Normally we cook a week on week off, a mix of Eastern-European-English food. I book all hols-all meals, out-all dentists, etc.
Hair appointments, she's an old flame so she takes care of my kids.
Tbh most of it runs itself.
I do not get involved with parent what's app groups or buying apples for teachers etc. Wink

HugeAckmansWife · 18/12/2021 17:42

OK so normal parenting then. That's fine. I'm sure some would leap to say how amazing that is but thats rather the point of this thread. That's not the mental load though. Thats logistics. The 'parents WhatsApp group' stuff is the invisble stuff that takes up headspace. What about birthday parties, costumes and bits and bobs, the out of routine stuff? I'm not saying you're a bad parent at all. But so far, what you've listed is just normal. It doesn't require any great credit any more than if a mum does it.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 18/12/2021 18:33

You mean sparkly dresses that leave glitter all over the car.😬
It's not difficult to drive to a shop and pick up an Elsa dress or a fairy outfit. Or Sainsbury's at 730pm for yellow jumper day.
These days sleepovers-birthdays are a couple of texts, the themes have finished.
Hi party is at 1pm finishes at 4pm etc.
However covid has dampened this somewhat.
That's it.
I carry no mental load for my ex wife. When we were together she worked full time and I switched to Flexi business. I don't think she's ever stood in the playground at pick up time.

It's not logistics when my children are here 50 percent of the month is it. These days admittedly the home and parenting is easier as the children are relatively independent.
Lights on at 7am, own breakfast, dress themselves, teeth, shoes, coats, check bags make sure and out.
Arrive home, change, homework, prep table, eat, load dishwasher, then they can play or we'll do something as a family.

No one praises me, it's just another set of tasks to do. However in our house running the home isn't viewed with scorn nor is it micromanaged to the enth degree.
Music on and cook.
If I cook a real Italian lasagne it'll take me all day from scratch.
Mrs HR will spend all day in the kitchen cooking Eastern European dishes too.

Neither of us fill the family calendar with excessive obligations or proverbial plate juggling.

Yesterday, for instance, I woke at 6am, cleaned business rubbish, sorted stores, 4 tip runs, cleaned drive. She woke at 11, cleaned house. I then posted parcels, sunbed. We both went to Leeds IKEA, cinema, then we went for a meal and drinks afterwards.
Bed at 1130pm.
I think people make a bloody drama out of basic living and being alive.

Potplant · 18/12/2021 18:36

How an earth can you find a hopeless, useless man attractive?

You’ve no idea what kind of father anyone is going to be until you’re in the thick of it.

Clymene · 18/12/2021 18:41

Another thread today. Dad wants to go for a run Christmas morning for 2 hours when he has toddler twins. So many women falling over themselves to say that it's fine, the OP should do more stuff on her own, get a grip etc.

IncompleteSenten · 18/12/2021 18:51

MrH, you are a parent. Pulling your weight and doing what any parent is supposed to and none of it is a big deal to you - which is exactly how it is supposed to be. My husband is the same. Every father should be.

But sadly it is true that men who are equal, competent, involved fathers who do their fair share of all mundane parenting stuff are a minority. Plus society gives them the label Fantastic Father when in fact they are simply a parent doing what a parent should do and should not get praise for that. Women sure as shit don't.

It's like turning up for work on time every day and being told that makes you employee of the month and you are just a Fantastic Worker. You're not. You're doing nothing more than is expected of you in that role.

Woman is a competent parent - 🤷‍♀️

Man is a competent parent - 🎉🎉🎉🥇🏆

That difference in expectations and attitudes is a problem.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 18/12/2021 19:02

I know it happens, regularly.
I befriended a woman when the kids were young, he worked away all week, then came home for the weekend. On the weekend he went to football and drinks. Sunday was his only family day.
She had put her law career on hold, to look after the home and family.....
I think he took her for granted and took the piss, I dunno why she put up with it. He was hardly a love island looking God. Just an atypical entitled middle class male twonk.

EmpressCixi · 18/12/2021 19:06

@Clymene

Another thread today. Dad wants to go for a run Christmas morning for 2 hours when he has toddler twins. So many women falling over themselves to say that it's fine, the OP should do more stuff on her own, get a grip etc.
I agree with them? Why shouldn’t he?
Clymene · 18/12/2021 19:27

How many mums with toddlers do you know that go out with their mates on Christmas day for a couple of hours @EmpressCixi?

Or should we all do that? Dad goes off for 2 hours in the morning and mum goes off for 2 hours in the afternoon.

Or maybe when you have children, you prioritise them rather than engaging in petty point scoring.

It's one day.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 18/12/2021 19:32

I think he should go running. It's 90 mins ..

I'll be on the cross trainer everyday next week for min 2 hrs ... Although I'll be up at 6 and done for 8 ish. Xmas day too.😂😂

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 18/12/2021 19:54

I've got a friend who's husband has a 'big job' and the excuses she makes for him are hideous, simply because he earns lots. He can't days off when the kids are sick, he deserves a whole day to play tennis at the weekend, he couldn't move his work around during covid to help out with the child care when schools were closed. His role as father begins and ends with his financial contribution. She's put her career and dreams on hold to enable him, he calls the shots, he says how they spend their money etc. She doesn't think I can understand because my DH doesn't have a 'big job'. Truth is, DH DOES have a 'big job', it's just not bigger to him than his job as dad.

Electricbug321 · 18/12/2021 21:15

I think many women myself included have internal bias.

I admit I wouldn’t automatically mentally question it if a man that has his children

OP posts:
Fomofo · 18/12/2021 21:26

2 hours running on Christmas day is nuts, just take one day off

Nayday · 18/12/2021 21:56

YANBU

Men are frequently able to opt out of basic levels of functioning, cooking, looking after children whilst still being lauded as great father's.

Someone I know has a husband who is seemingly unable to buy Christmas and Birthday gifts for his family, or write cards etc. She tells me this with a laugh - and sorts it all out for him. Said husband is mid level senior, perfectly capable of scheduling meetings, holding down a job etc - but no, can't manage that. I have a similar role and manage mine perfectly fine, and don't handle my husband's gift buying. It's the "ha ha - they can't do it" that irritates me.

Nayday · 18/12/2021 21:59

I also see many posts on here where the man's Big Job is actually probably not that important, what I would consider a fairly standard level of seniority - but justifies their absence from the home or inability to do things.

Royalbloo · 18/12/2021 22:09

Yeah, nonsense. They buy them some crisps in the pub and they're some sort of hero. Whereas we work our arses off and we get a, "that's normal!"

Royalbloo · 18/12/2021 22:10

Single now Grin

Royalbloo · 18/12/2021 22:10

And I have a "BIG JOB" which I also do.

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