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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Confused by the ‘great fathers’

203 replies

Electricbug321 · 17/12/2021 15:00

AIBU to be confused and frustrated that describe their DP as a great/brilliant/fantastic father in their OP, but then describe behaviour that is anything but good parenting. At best the men in those posts are only doing the fun stuff or are ‘hands on’ but only around for a few minutes a day.

Is the bar really so low for men?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/12/2021 18:12

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed

If he cares about his kids and their health, he'll learn to cook properly.

Things on toast with a side of veg is a nutritionally balanced meal - protein, fat, carbs, vitamins and minerals.

Better than the time he made cauliflower cheese with rosemary leaves in it.

Things on toast with a side of veg is a nutritionally balanced meal - protein, fat, carbs, vitamins and minerals.

Does he feed himself and the kids that everyday then?

Or does he have someone willing to believe he's not a lazy shit, so cooks his meals for him?

RedWingBoots · 17/12/2021 18:14

@Fairyliz

I don’t disagree with you op but where exactly do you find a decent man? It’s not for me but for my daughters in their 20’s. They and all of their friends are lovely young woman but not one of them can find a good man. Young men nowadays are interested in a relationship only a shag. It’s fine now, but what do they do in ten years time when approaching 40 and desperate for a child? I can see see them putting up with one of these men child.
They are there.

They simply need to widen their net and not discount a guy due to the job he does.

LittleRoundRobin · 17/12/2021 18:14

@ChristmasRobins

Just strikes me that if someone suggested that a woman was a crap mum just because she wasn't a very good cook, we'd all be outraged. Maybe I'm taking the OP too literally.
Yeah I found that 'if he cares about and loves his children he'll learn to cook properly' comment a bit bizarre too. Confused

So if a man loves his children, nurtures them, gets them to bed on time, (teeth cleaned, clothes clean and dry,) gets them to school on time, reads their school books, takes them on holiday, attends all the sports days and school shows, and financially provides for them, but isn't much of a cook, he is a shit dad? Confused Come off it! Hmm

It's not necessary to be Jamie Oliver or Delia fucking Smith to be a good parent. Hmm

Daft!

Elfonthesofa · 17/12/2021 18:15

@Goldbar

The threshold for 'great father' often seems to be several rungs below the level at which a mother would have social services intervening.

In many cases, it doesn't seem to require making a material contribution towards meeting children's basic physical, emotional and material needs.

I deal with social services referrals and it boils my piss the amount of times that a child is taken into care because mum has reached breaking point with whatever crisis she's having after years, dad has never really been involved but has had the child for all of a fortnight and "can't cope/manage". Hmm

The worst one I saw was a dad who fucked off and had an affair. Left mum in the lurch and refused to look after the kids. Mum had no other option for childcare so left her kids home alone while she went to work one day. Kids got taken off her and guess who got custody, along with a shit tonne of support from Social Services. Angry

Mezmer · 17/12/2021 18:16

Talked to a friend the other day who champions his own fate her, who worked three jobs etc.

Mother barely got a mention.

Whilst his father was out ‘working’ his various jobs (all of which were sociable and not altogether dirty or physical) his mother was at home….looking after eight friggin’ kids in a small flat!

She of course was not the hero of the story.

He just got out of the house early doors to get away from it of course.

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 18:17

WorraLiberty

I said in my original response he cooks that for himself and the kids 3 times a week. Once a week we have takeaway, once a week he's out for dinner, once a week I cook for us all and once a week he sorts himself out as me and kids are out.

Meatshake · 17/12/2021 18:18

Yeh it's embarrassingly low. Outside of his office hours my husband and I 50/50 chores, childcare and mental load. He is a fantastic dad, but that's mostly just another way of saying "responsible human adult".

ChristmasRobins · 17/12/2021 18:18

@WorraLiberty Yes, that does sound bad but that's not what I said. As I say, I may be taking posts on here too literally but I don't think being a good dad or mum means you have to be brilliant at every single aspect of domestic life. PP mentioning someone being described as "a good dad but he could burn water" as a negative example made me feel really sad. Few of us are cordon bleu cooks living in show homes. On the other hand, emotional connection with one's children is a vital part of parenting and, contrary to what PP suggest, not something every mother achieves with ease. You only need to read the Stately Homes threads to appreciate that.

I seem to be interpreting the OP differently from how others have interpreted it so, as I say, I may be being overly literal.

RedWingBoots · 17/12/2021 18:18

I would like to say that is part of being a parent, but actually cooking seems optional for many men - they either don't cook at all, take kids out to McDs once a week or stick on the fish fingers. And they can still be 'great dads'.

That's because they don't have to do every meal for the kids so giving them a takeaway or fish fingers every time they have to give them a meal they think is ok.

Throughout my life I know, known and met plenty of men who can cook.

I can actually only think of one male housemate who couldn't cook. The reason he couldn't cook is because he always had someone who would do it for him.

Puppyseahorse · 17/12/2021 18:19

So true. I recently had a friend say to me ‘my DH never gets up at night with the kids, he just isnt good on no sleep.’ As though anyone is?!

‘Mothers are superheroes !’ trope needs to go away too. All it does is reinforce uneven expectations.

Just once I’d love to hear someone refer to a woman as a ‘really hands-on mother’.

CompetitiveMumming · 17/12/2021 18:20

But if she couldn't cook at all, to feed them reasonable food and teach them how to cook for themselves, she wouldn't be that great?

WorraLiberty · 17/12/2021 18:23

Again, it's not about being a 'good' or a 'shit' cook.

It's about refusing to learn.

So what happens? Either the woman steps in or the kids end up eating shit food.

That's not what a half decent parent does, let alone a good one.

Everyone can produce half decent meals if they can be bothered to look at the millions (literally) of internet tutorials and recipes available for free.

WorraLiberty · 17/12/2021 18:26

I can actually only think of one male housemate who couldn't cook. The reason he couldn't cook is because he always had someone who would do it for him.

Exactly @RedWingBoots

All these men who can drive cars, operate machinery, sort out tech, use power tools, hold down a full time job.

But they magically simply 'can't' cook 🙄

ChristmasRobins · 17/12/2021 18:30

@WorraLiberty Yeah, I can't get too excited about the specifics. There are domestic things I'm great at and others I'm pretty hopeless at (can't remember when I last picked up an iron, for example, and I have no intention to change that). Same goes for my husband. These aren't the things that make us good or bad parents, given that our children are well cared for overall.

If the only point is that some men are lazy sods and get away with it, then sure.

Original poster
Electricbug321 · 17/12/2021 18:32

I agree wholeheartedly with a lot of these replies. Some are making me a bit sad that we consider ourselves ‘lucky’ if we have a DP that does 50% of the parenting when that should be the minimum.

But realistically, finding a man who does 50% seems to be hard so I suppose it does make you lucky. Urghhh.

OP posts:
MrsLarry · 17/12/2021 18:33

It's almost as bad as those perfect women who post that all men are useless...

lastqueenofscotland · 17/12/2021 18:36

Honestly I think a lot of it is trying to justify keeping useless men around their children

WorraLiberty · 17/12/2021 18:40

[quote ChristmasRobins]@WorraLiberty Yeah, I can't get too excited about the specifics. There are domestic things I'm great at and others I'm pretty hopeless at (can't remember when I last picked up an iron, for example, and I have no intention to change that). Same goes for my husband. These aren't the things that make us good or bad parents, given that our children are well cared for overall.

If the only point is that some men are lazy sods and get away with it, then sure.[/quote]
Well this is where the height of the bar comes into it for me.

Any parent who hasn't/won't bother to learn to cook, is certainly not a good one.

Ditto any partner, especially when they're happy enough to eat food cooked for them.

ChristmasRobins · 17/12/2021 18:44

@WorraLiberty We'll have to agree to disagree. For me splitting the domestic load fairly is important but that doesn't mean splitting every task down the middle- more important that a couple finds a balance that works for them.

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 18:49

WorraLiberty but if it's nutritionally complete what does it matter if it's gormet or not? I absolutely hate cooking. I can cook, but I despise it. So I eat DHs things on toast and only cook once a week and serve the leftovers a second day. We're all perfectly healthy. Cooking is not the be all and end all of parenting. DH could probably follow a recipe for something more complex but it wouldn't be nutritionally better than what he provides now. And our kids get plenty of variety of veg and fruit, they eat different cuisines and flavours.

sociallydistained · 17/12/2021 18:50

Yes these posts really are something! I have a friend whose like this too but actually told me the other day she didn't want to stay over in hospital (had op) because her child's dad "gets a bit stressed". I also went to meet her once and she left the child with her husband (who wasn't working hence why she could) but rushed to get back. He did the bare minimum to help during her operation recovery and I'm just like that's your child too you're not helping! Yet she did a gushing fb post about how much he does for them and "I know it can be stressful". I feel sad for her but the bar is so so low!

Meanwhile I have nannied for a family for years where the Dad is the person I go to about the kids and any house admin. Both parents work very senior roles in long hours but he does what would typically be the mums role and I love that. Because why not?!!

StarfishDish · 17/12/2021 18:53

@Fairyliz

I don’t disagree with you op but where exactly do you find a decent man? It’s not for me but for my daughters in their 20’s. They and all of their friends are lovely young woman but not one of them can find a good man. Young men nowadays are interested in a relationship only a shag. It’s fine now, but what do they do in ten years time when approaching 40 and desperate for a child? I can see see them putting up with one of these men child.
@Fairyliz I used to see my husband out and about and really fancied him. I even told my best friend I'd marry him one day! After three years, I spoke to him, got his number and the rest his history Xmas Smile
WorraLiberty · 17/12/2021 18:57

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed

WorraLiberty but if it's nutritionally complete what does it matter if it's gormet or not? I absolutely hate cooking. I can cook, but I despise it. So I eat DHs things on toast and only cook once a week and serve the leftovers a second day. We're all perfectly healthy. Cooking is not the be all and end all of parenting. DH could probably follow a recipe for something more complex but it wouldn't be nutritionally better than what he provides now. And our kids get plenty of variety of veg and fruit, they eat different cuisines and flavours.
Using silly words like 'gourmet' does nothing for your argument.

Insisting he can only cook 'things' on toast is ridiculously lazy for a grown man and a very poor example to his children.

Learning to cook is a very basic human skill and the least one should expect from an adult who has decided they want to raise a family.

So every Christmas he either eats 'things on toast' or has a takeaway?

Or does some other mug cook his Christmas dinner for him?

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 19:03

WorraLiberty

We buy m&s Christmas food, the microwave or pre-prepped stuff- DH likes a traditional Christmas lunch but I don't want to cook so he does what he's comfortable with.

LuckyAmy1986 · 17/12/2021 20:02

I agree with @WorraLiberty re the cooking. Even if you're not a great cook, you can at least TRY! Come on, you can follow a simple recipe step by step and give the kids and your wife a hearty nutritious meal fairly easily. Unless of course you just can't be bothered to try...

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