Confused by the ‘great fathers’

[Electricbug321]

AIBU to be confused and frustrated that describe their DP as a great/brilliant/fantastic father in their OP, but then describe behaviour that is anything but good parenting. At best the men in those posts are only doing the fun stuff or are ‘hands on’ but only around for a few minutes a day.

Is the bar really so low for men?

@notacooldad

Those posts really annoy me. A good dad deals with all the shitty stuff, does what ever needs doing, supports his partner with her hopes and dreams, guides his children on a good path that is fun, disciplined and a great life long adventure, He never 'babysits' his children. He may make mistakes but owns them. He doesn't come out with bullshit sexist nonsense or has a partner that tries to justify his behaviour.

The saddest part is, if you have one of these your friends tell you that you are 'lucky'. Bloody lucky!!!

I'm not lucky, I just took my time, would rather be single forever than have a deadbeat. I didn't have a fella moving in with me within a few days of meeting him and have a baby on the way a couple of months later like a lot of the whingy posts on MN complaining about their partners that they hardly knew before ending up have a lifelong connection to him.

Great post! 👏

@IncompleteSenten

Low standards.

Man does some of the very basic things that are expected of a parent and he is a Brilliant Father. 🙄

Woman changes her baby's nappies, interacts with them and gets up in the night and that's just being a mum.
Dad does it and he deserves a standing ovation and a fucking medal.

He's a total dick and shouts and won't do the cleaning and I cook everything and he fucks off all weekend every weekend with his Hobby but oh he's a Brilliant Dad because he changed a nappy last week and acknowledges his child's existence on the planet

Yeah.

He's a fucking hero alright. 🙄

@IncompleteSenten

This 100%. ^

And if the woman/mother in question is not with the father of her children, she says he is a 'brilliant dad' if he bothers to show up once a week and take them out for an hour.

As you said, MANY men don't do much with the children, and leave pretty much everything to the mother of the children, from the nappy changing and night waking, to all the school stuff/school admin, sports days, school plays, appointments at the GP/dentist/clinic/hospital etc. Along with concerts, days out, drawing/reading/playing/doing jigsaws with them etc.

Many men (fathers) seem to always be too busy with 'work' or their man hobbies/mates, or they are too tired, or 'ill.' I have lost count of the amount of women I have spoken to over the decades, who have (or had) a man who was always 'ill' at Christmas, so EVERYTHING fell to her to do, whilst he lay on his fat lazy arse supping port and noshing mince pies...

Then men wonder why many children are much closer to their mother, and why mothers are given custody of the children so often. I know many men who are baffled as to why their (now adult) children aren't really arsed about talking to them much, and want to spend more time with their mother.

@Homeatlast2

Oh and then there's the single mother thing . Oh she's a single mother 3 kids should have kept her legs closed she on benefits bla bla.

Single father. He does so well, takes them kids to school every day . Can see he loves them dearly . Can't believe she walked out and left him to bring up them kids.

This. Very annoying! ^

My rule for a “great dad” is:-

If he was a woman and did what he did then would he/she be a “great mum”.

By that standard dh is a “perfectly adequate dad”.

I have been lucky enough to have both a fantastic father and husband. My dad was always making us forts, or taking us on long bike rides. He is fastidious about cleaning and did all the cooking growing up. He worked odd shift patterns, too, but never let it get in the way of spending time with his children.

My husband has a hugely successful career, yet makes breakfast for all, takes out the bins, empties the dishwasher, feeds our dogs, while I go to the gym at 6am. He does this three times a week. He often offers to make dinner, as he loves to cook. While we have a weekly cleaner, he likes to tidy and never, ever makes a mess.

I honestly couldn’t imagine being with anyone who did less than this. Even my ex-boyfriend, who has his many faults, was a keen cook and kept the house really clean.

I don’t disagree with you op but where exactly do you find a decent man?
It’s not for me but for my daughters in their 20’s. They and all of their friends are lovely young woman but not one of them can find a good man. Young men nowadays are interested in a relationship only a shag.
It’s fine now, but what do they do in ten years time when approaching 40 and desperate for a child?
I can see see them putting up with one of these men child.

The cooking thing I get. DH is a shit cook, prior to us getting together he existed on ready meals, biscuits and things on toast and 3 times a week, the kids get fed 'things on toast' or very occasionally pasta and pesto. If I died, DH would likely feed the kids stuff on toast and a side of veg everyday. But they'd be in bed on time, teeth cleaned, clothes clean and dry, in school on time, read their school books, taken on holiday, and financially provided for. He'd keep the cleaner though.

I lucked out in the DH stakes. We had DD on the way 3 months after first getting together. He could have turned out to be a right knacker. I said from the off I’m not doing this on my own, if you’re in, you’re all in, he was still more than young enough to mould into shape and right from the start it’s been 50-50. If I’m honest, as I’m a former shift worker it’s probably been more 60-40 in his favour as he had to get used to cooking for the kids, doing the bedtimes, entertaining them all day while I slept. I then took a job where I worked away, for days on end, he had to learn their routines, get them to their various clubs and make sure they had money for non uniform days. I didn’t do it, so he had to. I suspect there were a few days where they all had beans on toast twice a day or a few too many McDonald’s in a week, or school uniforms weren’t ironed or homework didn’t get done, but he learned quickly, the way I would have had to and now it’s widely acknowledged that he is the better parent

It’s great, I get to lie in all weekend and devote time to my hobbies. Kidding. But in the household we are equals, he wrapped half the Christmas presents the other day for the kids as he knew they needed doing and I was out with both of them and he was in the house on his own, that’s the sign of a good partner/father, sees what’s needs doing and just gets in with it, no drama, no desperate need for accolades.

I see the key to being a good parent as having (or at least working towards) a real connection with one's kids, taking time with them and treating them with loving kindness and compassion. Couldn't give a damn about whether someone can cook or whatever. I don't think that's a low bar- it's a very high bar.

@ChristmasRobins

I see the key to being a good parent as having (or at least working towards) a real connection with one's kids, taking time with them and treating them with loving kindness and compassion. Couldn't give a damn about whether someone can cook or whatever. I don't think that's a low bar- it's a very high bar.

"Loving kindness" also means healthy food, bedtime routines, regular bath, nappy changes, clean suitable clothes, safe home, supporting education. A mum who never did any housework, left kids in wet nappies in front of the TV all the time and didn't know the names of their teachers would not be a good parent, however much time she spent making a connection.

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed

The cooking thing I get. DH is a shit cook, prior to us getting together he existed on ready meals, biscuits and things on toast and 3 times a week, the kids get fed 'things on toast' or very occasionally pasta and pesto. If I died, DH would likely feed the kids stuff on toast and a side of veg everyday. But they'd be in bed on time, teeth cleaned, clothes clean and dry, in school on time, read their school books, taken on holiday, and financially provided for. He'd keep the cleaner though.

Nah I'm not buying that.

If he cares about his kids and their health, he'll learn to cook properly.

We have the internet now to teach us how, there is literally no excuse not to learn.

@NellieBertram Yes, of course.

I often remark that I'm not a brilliant mother but I'd make a fucking fantastic father.

I love this and am stealing it

I think that some women forget that a huge part of teaching the next generation by modelling healthy relationships. Treating women with respect. Not being sexist. Etc. And yes the bar is that low.

The threshold for 'great father' often seems to be several rungs below the level at which a mother would have social services intervening.

In many cases, it doesn't seem to require making a material contribution towards meeting children's basic physical, emotional and material needs.

@ChristmasRobins

I see the key to being a good parent as having (or at least working towards) a real connection with one's kids, taking time with them and treating them with loving kindness and compassion. Couldn't give a damn about whether someone can cook or whatever. I don't think that's a low bar- it's a very high bar.

Treating them with loving kindness involves looking after their health and feeding them properly.

It's a basic life skill to pass on anyway if a parent can be arsed.

@ChristmasRobins

I see the key to being a good parent as having (or at least working towards) a real connection with one's kids, taking time with them and treating them with loving kindness and compassion. Couldn't give a damn about whether someone can cook or whatever. I don't think that's a low bar- it's a very high bar.

It's a "very high bar" which the majority of women seem to be able to reach. Because it's not a high bar at all. Treating anyone with kindness and compassion is pretty basic. If someone can't manage it with their own children, then they aren't failing to reach an unreasonably high bar. They're just crap parents.

@Fairyliz

I don’t disagree with you op but where exactly do you find a decent man? It’s not for me but for my daughters in their 20’s. They and all of their friends are lovely young woman but not one of them can find a good man. Young men nowadays are interested in a relationship only a shag. It’s fine now, but what do they do in ten years time when approaching 40 and desperate for a child? I can see see them putting up with one of these men child.

You bring them up to have the confidence to throw the rubbish ones back and model good relationships to them growing up so they know a good one when they come across one.

My DD is 29 and has a wonderful partner but she had a few duds along the way. I was always impressed at her ability to disengage from them and move on. I'm not sure I'd have had that confidence in my 20s. She told me once that when she was feeling unhappy and her boyfriend was making out that it was her with the problem, she'd ask herself what would her (step)dad do in that situation, and then she'd dump them. It really brought it home to me how important it is for us to set the bench mark our daughter's measure their relationships against.

If I didn't have to cook and do the basic stuff which keeps us alive and healthy, I would have more time to develop a 'real connection' with my DC. I'm jaundiced but I'm afraid I don't view waltzing in to do the fun stuff like playing games and park trips as being a great parent if a parent can't also do their share of the basic graft.

Just strikes me that if someone suggested that a woman was a crap mum just because she wasn't a very good cook, we'd all be outraged. Maybe I'm taking the OP too literally.

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed

The cooking thing I get. DH is a shit cook, prior to us getting together he existed on ready meals, biscuits and things on toast and 3 times a week, the kids get fed 'things on toast' or very occasionally pasta and pesto. If I died, DH would likely feed the kids stuff on toast and a side of veg everyday. But they'd be in bed on time, teeth cleaned, clothes clean and dry, in school on time, read their school books, taken on holiday, and financially provided for. He'd keep the cleaner though.

I understand. Dh is also a shit cook...he lived alone for twenty years before he met me. He didn't starve but he ate frozen beige food! If I'm out, the kids get fed... mainly beige food but he'll boil some veg to go with it! If I died, they'd all probably all survive on nuggets, chips and peas!

If he cares about his kids and their health, he'll learn to cook properly.

Things on toast with a side of veg is a nutritionally balanced meal - protein, fat, carbs, vitamins and minerals.

Better than the time he made cauliflower cheese with rosemary leaves in it.

@TheCloudBotherer If only that were true.

@RampantIvy

I sometimes wonder if they have never been in a functional and equal relationship, or have had no role models in their lives that demonstrate how a relationship should be.

I feel especially sad for the women in abusive relationships with alcoholics or people with other addictions. There are far too many threads on here just now in this vein.

I can speak from experience and say no, I’m falling exactly into the same life my mum has lived. It’s such a shame and I wish certain behaviours/attitudes hadn’t been normalised for me

@ChristmasRobins

Just strikes me that if someone suggested that a woman was a crap mum just because she wasn't a very good cook, we'd all be outraged. Maybe I'm taking the OP too literally.

It's not about 'not being very good at it'.

It's about pretending you can't do it because you can't be arsed to learn and of course some women finding it cute or hilarious

There's a difference between not being a great cook and not cooking.

I am not a great cook but I cook (despite hating it). And not just beige food because children need exposure to a variety of different foods.

I would like to say that is part of being a parent, but actually cooking seems optional for many men - they either don't cook at all, take kids out to McDs once a week or stick on the fish fingers. And they can still be 'great dads'.