Confused by the ‘great fathers’

[Electricbug321]

AIBU to be confused and frustrated that describe their DP as a great/brilliant/fantastic father in their OP, but then describe behaviour that is anything but good parenting. At best the men in those posts are only doing the fun stuff or are ‘hands on’ but only around for a few minutes a day.

Is the bar really so low for men?

Better than the time he made cauliflower cheese with rosemary leaves in it bless him

I followed a young couple with a toddler in the supermarket one day last week. She said to her partner “what shall we have for tea tonight?” He replied “I don’t care” and walked off.

It’s nearly 2022 and my dad replied like this in 1970. Are women still the only ones capable of meal planning?

Men get praised for doing very basic parenting that is just expected of women

@LuckyAmy1986

I agree with *@WorraLiberty* re the cooking. Even if you're not a great cook, you can at least TRY! Come on, you can follow a simple recipe step by step and give the kids and your wife a hearty nutritious meal fairly easily. Unless of course you just can't be bothered to try...

Or your efforts won't be appreciated

Or your efforts won't be appreciated why would they not be appreciated if you put the effort in to make it taste nice? For example, a stew in the slow cooker. Delicious, healthy and you cannot tell me, surely, that your DH wouldn't be able to follow a recipe for that?

@LuckyAmy1986

Better than the time he made cauliflower cheese with rosemary leaves in it bless him

The point is, when he does try, I don't appreciate it. He made cauliflower cheese, he thought he'd add some herbs and got it very wrong. I've not really let him live it down. Yet it doesn't actually stop him doing the majority of the cooking.

@LuckyAmy1986

Or your efforts won't be appreciated why would they not be appreciated if you put the effort in to make it taste nice? For example, a stew in the slow cooker. Delicious, healthy and you cannot tell me, surely, that your DH wouldn't be able to follow a recipe for that?

He probably could. But I'd be just as happy with toast, or cereal. I'm not very bothered by food. I eat because I need to eat. I enjoy going out to eat because of the whole experience but day to day, I'm just not fussed. I can't be bothered to cook for myself, why should someone else be bothered to cook interesting stuff for me?

The point is, when he does try, I don't appreciate it. He made cauliflower cheese, he thought he'd add some herbs and got it very wrong. I've not really let him live it down. Yet it doesn't actually stop him doing the majority of the cooking This is the thing, he got the herbs wrong because he doesn't know what he's doing. The more you cook, the more you learn. I mean, you wouldn't have done that to the cauliflower cheese would you? Because you have taken the time and effort to learn how to cook. So why doesn't he do that?

He probably could. But I'd be just as happy with toast, or cereal. I'm not very bothered by food. I eat because I need to eat. I enjoy going out to eat because of the whole experience but day to day, I'm just not fussed. I can't be bothered to cook for myself, why should someone else be bothered to cook interesting stuff for me Well fair enough then. But this is about being a good dad, which IMO (I know not everyone's!) involves the basics like cooking them decent meals, or trying to. I really think he should bother for the DC if not for you. But each to their own.

@LuckyAmy1986

He probably could. But I'd be just as happy with toast, or cereal. I'm not very bothered by food. I eat because I need to eat. I enjoy going out to eat because of the whole experience but day to day, I'm just not fussed. I can't be bothered to cook for myself, why should someone else be bothered to cook interesting stuff for me Well fair enough then. But this is about being a good dad, which IMO (I know not everyone's!) involves the basics like cooking them decent meals, or trying to. I really think he should bother for the DC if not for you. But each to their own.

I don't think cooking is the sum total of a good parent, it's part of a bigger picture. He provides adequate, nutritious food for the kids. It may not be everyone's idea of great cuisine but it's home cooked, nutritionally complete. It's not beige freezer food, it's not high in salt and saturated fat, it's not endless McDonald's or chips. And it's one part of all the other stuff he does. And it's one more than I do.

I do think the bar is crazy low.

A woman at playgroup (who knows I’m a single mum) was asking about DS’s dad. She asked me if he’s a good dad and honestly I didn’t know what to say.
My first thought was that he sees him (for 5 hours a week) and he doesn’t shout at him and he pays £50 a month child support, so he isn’t “bad” but isn’t that such a low bar?

I’m working on growing more of a spine about it (I’m fully aware of what a loser my ex is) but saying out loud that he’s a bad dad would make me feel like I’m overreacting and that I’M being horrible.

Sadly, I think too many women set a lot of store by the odd polaroid moment of kicking a ball around or reading a story, but are willing to overlook the general disinterest and lack of responsibility.

The bar is very low

@LuckyAmy1986

The point is, when he does try, I don't appreciate it. He made cauliflower cheese, he thought he'd add some herbs and got it very wrong. I've not really let him live it down. Yet it doesn't actually stop him doing the majority of the cooking This is the thing, he got the herbs wrong because he doesn't know what he's doing. The more you cook, the more you learn. I mean, you wouldn't have done that to the cauliflower cheese would you? Because you have taken the time and effort to learn how to cook. So why doesn't he do that?

I've taken no time or effort to learn to cook. I happen to be good at it but that's luck and not hardwork. I have a good palate, can cook by taste and eye. Some life skills come more naturally to some than others, and usually as humans we play to our strengths but whilst my strength is cooking, I don't enjoy it, or the end result enough to justify doing it (or the shopping and planning) so DH does that side of things.

I've recently been very unwell and DH has done absolutely everything, round the house, for the kids, for me. He's needed absolutely 0 reminding, guiding or advising because he's a functioning adult but yet, despite being considerably better than most father's I know and those I read on here, apparently him being a crap cook means he's an awful parent. I disagree.

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed not being a crap cook, just not trying. If this doesn’t apply to your partner then fair enough!

[quote LuckyAmy1986]@HaaaaaveyoumetTed not being a crap cook, just not trying. If this doesn’t apply to your partner then fair enough![/quote]
I never said he didn't try. Worraliberty assumed he didn't.

To just return to the point though of 'choosing well' this pisses me off. I was with ex DH for several years before conceiving.. Might have waited another 2 or so but already in 30s. He genuinely was a perfectly adequate dad until he fucked off with OW. He was v hands on, cooked good meals 50/50, shared the school runs. I don't say 'great dad' because those are perfectly normal things and I would pick my mum up on it if she gushed about how great he was. However, a few weeks after finding his 'soulmate' he was perfectly prepared to move 2 hours away and see them 4 days a month and pay the minimum he can. . It's not always a result of poor foresight.

@HugeAckmansWife what an arse. In someways it’s worse, he was a capable and loving parent until something new and shiny came along, then all of a sudden his kids mattered less. I’m really sorry he has done this to you and them.

He is such a great father but "she" stops him from seeing the kids! Oh no when is the court date? Oh no we could never afford that incidentally have you seen my new car/phone/game console.....did you ever think of NOT buying that and going to court its about £280? Self represent? See your kids? Hello? Hello? tumbleweed

And when dad’s ‘babysit’ I hate that 🙄 The dads get massive amounts of praise for looking after their offspring but mums just get on with it. Weird.

@Hoppinggreen

Men get praised for doing very basic parenting that is just expected of women

^^this all day long

My ex doesn't bother much with his kids he gets praised for "trying" ffs

The double standards are insane I look after the kids 24/7 alone during the pandemic because he won't see them at all then when he does finally see them 9 plus months later he refused to see them without his girlfriend around and social services already told him no but he "can't cope" can he for a couple of hours a week ffs

@BigYellowHat

And when dad’s ‘babysit’ I hate that 🙄 The dads get massive amounts of praise for looking after their offspring but mums just get on with it. Weird.

I actually use that term! I say "I can't do X as I'm babysitting" which means DH has already made plans for that night. I don't use it for general being a parent, just where one or the other of us already has social plans.

Yep it's equal measures saddening and frustrating to read.

The bar is low in society for men. I'm hoping as generations and attitudes change that this will be reflected, still have to roll my eyes when I'm off out and DH is at home with DD and my Nan says 'Ooooh isn't he great babysitting her for you'

It’s nearly 2022 and my dad replied like this in 1970. Are women still the only ones capable of meal planning?

No, my dh does the meal planning, shopping and about 80% of the cooking.

Perhaps making shared parental leave mandatory would help. DH had 3 months at home with DS while I was working: and it helped make him an “equal” parent. (I suppose also having to look after DS on his own while I was in hospital for a month when DD was 6 months old also helped.

DH was a bit pissed off when my mum said I was lucky he was such a “helpful” dad: he pointed out that he was just doing his share of parenting

There are so many threads on mumsnet that make me very very glad to be single