Would you put up with this from friends on your 40th???

[mila0]

I have a certain group of about 6 girlfriends and we all go back to uni / early 20s. We lived together (pre- husbands etc obviously). Most of us still live in London, but two have moved out some years ago.

Anyway, I am the last to turn 40, but we’ve all turned 40 in the last year. None of them did anything for their 40th. My husband did send us on a break to Italy some months ago, which was lovely, but also some aspects of that annoyed me (but that’s another thread).

Anyway, for my birthday I didn’t want a massive party so I thought I’d see different groups of people and either have them over or take them out over the next few months. Two of them were ringing and ringing me for weeks about my birthday - “What are you planning? When do I pencil you in? Can’t wait!!!” All this kind of thing. So in the end, I booked and we went out for dinner somewhere really nice. However, these are my issues -

1. Of the 5 of them, only 2 brought a gift. Bearing in mind, I got them all (what I think) were really lovely things on their birthdays. One friend actually showed up, made a big drama about how she’d left my gift in her car but it was miles away, and then proceeded to give me a bottle of Prosecco in an M&S carrier bag she must have just bought in the tube! Another said the post hadn’t come. Another said some other waffle.

2. One of them made a toast - but essentially, she made it all about her! Also they all were making out that this was a celebration of “our birthday year.” Which it kind of was, but if it is that, why am I footing the whole bill then?

3. One in particular, kept saying TK
   Me whenever the water was lurking, “I’ll have anothec one if you are” - i.e. champagne at £22 per glass and I hasn’t even intimated I was having another anyway. Then, when the waiter said, “any more ladies” she said, “probably easier to get a bottle.” She did this twice and it was just under £200, just for that. No intention of paying - (fair enough it was my invite) - but I personally would just never do that! Not after giving Prosecco in a carrier bag to one of your oldest friends on her 40th! This is what annoys me.

AIBU to be rethinking some of these people? I don’t want anything from them, but it’s the attitude of one or two that has got me upset. AIBU?

I cant believe you let your 'friend' order 2 x £200 bottles of champagne

They all sound a bit crap. Time to reevaluate who you prioritise in life vs who prioritises you.

It was another £200 for the two bottles... but still. I would never behave like that.

I think you were a bit of a fool for letting anyone order £200 bottles- if my mates had of tried that I'd have swiftly said " erm I don't think so.."

Why were you paying for everyone on your birthday?

I mean, I'd happily pay for my own champagne, but not everyone else's!

Do you have a much higher income than your friends? Not an excuse but if they see this is something you often buy they may be taking you for granted rather than just being all out cfs. It does sound like they have been crap, but is this unusual behaviour? Or the norm?

They sound like CFs

Not exactly the same but my dh ruined my 40th..
I had divorced him before I turned 41.. Time to overhaul your friendships op..

Yeah, if your husband paid for everyone to go to Italy (did I read that right?) are they just used to you picking up the tab? I'm not excusing it at all, it's really crap behaviour from so-called friends. Horrible not to bring a gift for a big birthday and then expect to be paid for!

Also they all were making out that this was a celebration of “our birthday year.” Which it kind of was, but if it is that, why am I footing the whole bill then?

Only you can answer why you decided to pay for them all, OP.

Presumably you chose to do this? I don't understand how you paying for all food and drinks came about.

Why were you paying for your friends meals/drinks on your birthday???

I too was wondering if you have a much higher income, they all think you can easily afford £100bottles of champagne, but imo it’s bloody rude of them to expect you to do that.

I feel as if there is one of them who is sadly taking me for granted, yes. I’ve had a vague gut feeling about it for some time, but I put it to one side. The thing is, she is an absolutely lovely person otherwise, but if we’re out and I’m paying, I feel that she’ll take it to the max, if that makes sense. And I don’t understand why she would be like this because, in other ways, she’s the most caring person going and she always really worried about what everyone thinks about her. It makes no sense.

The other two who brought no gift didn’t need to overdo it with the crap excuses because it’s embarrassing, frankly. I don’t even need a gift, but don’t insult me with lying. And it makes me wonder why I bothered taking the time to get them anything. That’s it now, I’m not doing it again. They have still sent nothing by post (as they said they would) and it’s been two weeks.

They sound like a bunch of brass neck fuckers OP!

I get the impression you are the meal ticket of the group. Especially if you've taken them all away on holiday. They obviously wanted you to host and pay for a huge birthday shindig.

Personally I would drop them. Or only invite them to free events. See how long they stick around when everything isn't on your tab.

That's shit. There will be people on to say you should have said something and you should have made clear beforehand what you were prepared to pay for...but I would never ever dream of saying 'oh thanks for the invite!' then ordering something extravagant, it's just rude and grabby and taking advantage

I'm sorry op but that's bloody awful , as it's your birthday should the bill not have been split by the other woman so you didn't pay ,that's how I always used to do birthday meals

Women

Maybe we're a bit harsher up north but if someone ordered a £100 bottle of champagne, I'd be saying I'm not paying for that. And no one would look askance at me. Mind you, on our birthdays, everyone clubs yogether and pays for you, not the other way round! That way no one orders £100 bottles of champagne when they're picking up the tab.
They're very cheeky fuckers.

It is normal for us that if it’s your event, you pay. I’m fine with that and I invited them. I realise some will have had travel costs and normally you would bring a gift for one of your best friends milestone birthdays (through apparently not in this occasion). So no problem with paying in principle, but I would not have been ordering champagne by the bottle. It’s the attitude of it and the way it was done.

Why on earth are you paying for them on any occasion? Surely when you go out with friends you all pay for yourselves or split the bill? Are you in another country where the inviter has to pay? If you're in the UK then you definitely need to stop footing the bill for any outings, it's not on.

@madisonbridges

Maybe we're a bit harsher up north but if someone ordered a £100 bottle of champagne, I'd be saying I'm not paying for that. And no one would look askance at me. Mind you, on our birthdays, everyone clubs yogether and pays for you, not the other way round! That way no one orders £100 bottles of champagne when they're picking up the tab. They're very cheeky fuckers.

I'm from the north west and that's what would happen with me too

Ffs they sound awful. I feel bad for you OP.

Presumably you are very well off OP and they know it. You have treated them in the past and they have become very used to it. And you have let it happen (like the woman leering £100 bottles of champagne without asking). Not a criticism, but it will have created a nasty level of entitlement.
Hard to go back from it without some difficult new boundaries being set, I suspect. Not nice behaviour by them.

@mila0 you sound very generous but your friends sound quite ungrateful , the lack of gifts is bad enough but then to take the piss with the drinks I think It would be the last time I invited them out on my birthday