Would you put up with this from friends on your 40th???

[mila0]

I have a certain group of about 6 girlfriends and we all go back to uni / early 20s. We lived together (pre- husbands etc obviously). Most of us still live in London, but two have moved out some years ago.

Anyway, I am the last to turn 40, but we’ve all turned 40 in the last year. None of them did anything for their 40th. My husband did send us on a break to Italy some months ago, which was lovely, but also some aspects of that annoyed me (but that’s another thread).

Anyway, for my birthday I didn’t want a massive party so I thought I’d see different groups of people and either have them over or take them out over the next few months. Two of them were ringing and ringing me for weeks about my birthday - “What are you planning? When do I pencil you in? Can’t wait!!!” All this kind of thing. So in the end, I booked and we went out for dinner somewhere really nice. However, these are my issues -

1. Of the 5 of them, only 2 brought a gift. Bearing in mind, I got them all (what I think) were really lovely things on their birthdays. One friend actually showed up, made a big drama about how she’d left my gift in her car but it was miles away, and then proceeded to give me a bottle of Prosecco in an M&S carrier bag she must have just bought in the tube! Another said the post hadn’t come. Another said some other waffle.

2. One of them made a toast - but essentially, she made it all about her! Also they all were making out that this was a celebration of “our birthday year.” Which it kind of was, but if it is that, why am I footing the whole bill then?

3. One in particular, kept saying TK
   Me whenever the water was lurking, “I’ll have anothec one if you are” - i.e. champagne at £22 per glass and I hasn’t even intimated I was having another anyway. Then, when the waiter said, “any more ladies” she said, “probably easier to get a bottle.” She did this twice and it was just under £200, just for that. No intention of paying - (fair enough it was my invite) - but I personally would just never do that! Not after giving Prosecco in a carrier bag to one of your oldest friends on her 40th! This is what annoys me.

AIBU to be rethinking some of these people? I don’t want anything from them, but it’s the attitude of one or two that has got me upset. AIBU?

Your friends are users. . Perhaps you are wealthier than them and they think that justifies their poor behaviour. It doesn't.
You shared a house with them when you were at university two decades ago, which is thee basis for this group of friends. That is a whole lifetime ago in a different life stage. There is no reason why you will be friends forever. Perhaps it's time to revaluate your friendships.

We are wealthier than them, but so what really because we go back 20 years and it’s about the principle. Plus none of them are exactly in dire straits. I don’t know about their finances and a few live outside London so it’s a different context. But one who came with no gift and nothing and has sent nothing since, has 2 boys in a top boarding school. I don’t know about their finances or what her husband does, but all I know is she was happy enough to receive my gift and give nothing in return. The one ordering the champagne is very annoyed off about where she lives (in a very rural place and she hates it). She probably likes the high-life more than the rest of us so this is why she wants to max out when she’s in London, but still, don’t take advantage of your friend. It’s not just this, there’s been other little things. She can’t wait for us to go in holiday snd then she brings her whole family to stay in our house (plus her mother) . This kind of thing. Also, she never pays for her own drinks / dinner if it’s just the two of us. I have not minded because I’ve felt like she’s my guest when she’s been down to stay, but not any more. That’s over.

OP I would use this watershed birthday to re-assess these relationships and move on to others in some cases. These friendships belong to your student or early career days, and you may have less in common in terms of next stages of your life?
I have only ended a friendship once, and that was because the person started being negative towards me and my life, sniping in underhand ways. I decided that if someone is negative towards me I don't want to be around them. It was a good decision. Really poor for your 40th. Hope you can move on happily.

There is one friend in our group who was always last to buy a round, nursed their drink when it was their turn and waited till someone else offered. Even though they know we make fun of them behind their back because of it, they still do it. Weird

I think you sound a great friend and I think it's lovely to pay for your friends especially if you are a lot more comfortable than them.

I do think though that it's ok to re-evaluate your relationships. One or more have upset you with their behaviour which to be honest does sound greedy imo.

I wouldn't fall out with them but I might invite them to different events where they are less able to take advantage.

Your friends are ill mannered and taking advantage. No matter how well off you are , it’s not a given that you pay for everything. You and your husband sound very generous which is a good quality but your friends don’t sound very nice at all.
I have some wealthy relatives who enjoy to treat me and my family. Whilst I can’t repay in terms of value, I always make sure I arrive with flowers or a thoughtful gift to show that they are appreciated.
Time to have a think about who your real friends are I think.

@mila0

We are wealthier than them, but so what really because we go back 20 years and it’s about the principle. Plus none of them are exactly in dire straits. I don’t know about their finances and a few live outside London so it’s a different context. But one who came with no gift and nothing and has sent nothing since, has 2 boys in a top boarding school. I don’t know about their finances or what her husband does, but all I know is she was happy enough to receive my gift and give nothing in return. The one ordering the champagne is very annoyed off about where she lives (in a very rural place and she hates it). She probably likes the high-life more than the rest of us so this is why she wants to max out when she’s in London, but still, don’t take advantage of your friend. It’s not just this, there’s been other little things. She can’t wait for us to go in holiday snd then she brings her whole family to stay in our house (plus her mother) . This kind of thing. Also, she never pays for her own drinks / dinner if it’s just the two of us. I have not minded because I’ve felt like she’s my guest when she’s been down to stay, but not any more. That’s over.

@mila0 sounds like she's used to you treating her like a queen and that's why she didn't think twice about the drinks because she's used to you just footing the bill for her

All turned 40 in the last year and none of them did anything? Lockdown?

It's not all about you, all your other friends didn't have a night out.

Didn't want a massive party or anything? Why, is that normal?

You let her stay in your house when you are away?
Dump that friend.
Keep the two that are nice and put the carrier bag woman on a warning.
I may have got them mixed up!?

So, you’re happy to pay for £100 bottles of champagne and you’re about to have vacancies for grateful friends? Where do I sign up? I promise to be very thankful for all food and holidays and to buy you thoughtful gifts.

Why would you not say something? When I was 50 I took my friends to Barcelona for the weekend. I did pay for flights and accommodation, but all other costs were split - and they took me for a lovely dinner which they paid for entirely. I never understand these posts where people don't talk their friends and agree these things up front. If we go out we look at the wine list etc. and agree in advance. When we go away for the weekend we have a kitty that we put into equally. If these are your FRIENDS it shouldn't be that hard.

They must think you are minted and can easily afford it. They are taking the piss though. I bin off people like this early doors, as I don't know if they actually like me or my generosity.
I'd have a conversation with them individually before ending the friendship. Xx

I think you should reevaluate, these friends do sound like they are using you. But also when you reevaluate, you need to maybe look at dialing back on your generosity, for example you had already taken the friends to Italy for your birthday, you didn’t really need to do the meal as well. Your elaborate displays of wealth have maybe encouraged people to hang around and made it harder for you to see who is a real friend and who is in for the free stuff.

@LarryUnderwood

Why on earth are you paying for them on any occasion? Surely when you go out with friends you all pay for yourselves or split the bill? Are you in another country where the inviter has to pay? If you're in the UK then you definitely need to stop footing the bill for any outings, it's not on.

I agree. Paying for your friends is a mistake!!

Thankyou. I do have friends who I’ve met more locally and in the last decade who are the total opposite to this.

My husband is very ‘to the point’ and he just says, ‘They have upset you, so ring them and tell them.’ But I’m not doing this because I shouldn’t have to point out the obvious. I would never give a 40th gift of a bottle of Prosecco to an oldest friend in a carrier bag. That is like a gift you might bring if a neighbour or whatever has invited you to dinner or something.

@HeddaGarbled

Your life is not normal. For most people, husbands don’t ‘send’ their wives & their wives’ friends to Italy for a holiday, and people don’t drink bottles of champagne that cost £100.

You are rich. I’m assuming that some of your old Uni friends aren’t.

Your friendships could survive this but you would need to be more low key and not throw your money around, and they would need to have more pride and not accept it.

Don’t take them on holiday, don’t pay for their meals and don’t buy them more expensive presents than they buy you. Be sensitive in conversation and don’t rub their noses in how rich you are.

How they behave if you dial it down, will tell you what you need to know about whether your friendships have longevity potential.

I think this spot on. You need to handle the gap in finances better.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a negative experience surrounding your milestone birthday. Only you know what is best for your life but I can tell you Iv heard this story so many times before.

A childhood friend (from a very wealthy family) wasn’t very popular in school. When it came time for uni she was desperate to fit in and have a group of girlfriends. My friend would pick up the bill at every opportunity, organise and pay for extravagant holidays and threw over the top birthday parties (but only for this select bunch). At her most recent milestone birthday her group of uni mates didn’t even bring a birthday card between them. I also overheard them talking about their afterparty plans.. that the birthday girl specifically wasn’t invited to.. Pathetic.

I realise we do not know the background of your friendship group but my anecdote is to help you see that this situation sadly isn’t rare. I’d be interested to know if these women take you up on less extravagant invitations.. a simple catch up over coffee for example?

I think the dynamic has led to your friends taking advantage and realistically are jealous of your financial security.. Do you really want to stick around to see if they change by your 50th.. I doubt it 😞

I would not pay for my friends' meals and drinks unless I invited them to my place, nor do they do so for me. We split the bill even if it is someone's birthday.( I have done it for family members though. )

I think maybe you are too aware of being "affluent", being the organiser or of their travel costs and they have assumed they can take advantage.

There is now an imbalance in your friendships. Either change your ways or change your friends. They sound horrible.

Sounds like they were nagging you about birthday plans because they knew they’d get a free meal and drink out of it.

as long as it isnt michelin star i pay for my pwn meal even if invited its just polite to at least offer to pay for yourself

Friendships are easier when you have similar financial circumstances and similar morals. Friendships based purely upon the length of time you’ve known someone aren’t always so easy.

I do feel very sad that it’s come to this and it’s very confusing when otherwise lovely people seem to want to get what they can out of you. I’m not saying they are all like this exactly, but one or two is enough to make you wonder why you bother.

It sounds like you live in another world compared to me but ultimately, yes, they've taken the piss.
I wouldn't be happy and I wouldn't want to continue friendships where I'm being taken advantage of, not matter what the context is.

You are mad as a brush for paying - unless you are totally loaded.

They should have paid for you on your birthday.

Why on earth were you paying and why didn't you say no when they started taking the puss with the champagne.

There is no way I would be letting your friend stay at your house any longer! The cheeky mare!

One of my friends (over 20 years) earns significantly more than me, I am. P/t worker, she is a director, when we go out I always match rounds of drinks, pay for taxis etc as its obvious people are happy to let her pay for things and I am conscious of that.