Would you put up with this from friends on your 40th???

[mila0]

I have a certain group of about 6 girlfriends and we all go back to uni / early 20s. We lived together (pre- husbands etc obviously). Most of us still live in London, but two have moved out some years ago.

Anyway, I am the last to turn 40, but we’ve all turned 40 in the last year. None of them did anything for their 40th. My husband did send us on a break to Italy some months ago, which was lovely, but also some aspects of that annoyed me (but that’s another thread).

Anyway, for my birthday I didn’t want a massive party so I thought I’d see different groups of people and either have them over or take them out over the next few months. Two of them were ringing and ringing me for weeks about my birthday - “What are you planning? When do I pencil you in? Can’t wait!!!” All this kind of thing. So in the end, I booked and we went out for dinner somewhere really nice. However, these are my issues -

1. Of the 5 of them, only 2 brought a gift. Bearing in mind, I got them all (what I think) were really lovely things on their birthdays. One friend actually showed up, made a big drama about how she’d left my gift in her car but it was miles away, and then proceeded to give me a bottle of Prosecco in an M&S carrier bag she must have just bought in the tube! Another said the post hadn’t come. Another said some other waffle.

2. One of them made a toast - but essentially, she made it all about her! Also they all were making out that this was a celebration of “our birthday year.” Which it kind of was, but if it is that, why am I footing the whole bill then?

3. One in particular, kept saying TK
   Me whenever the water was lurking, “I’ll have anothec one if you are” - i.e. champagne at £22 per glass and I hasn’t even intimated I was having another anyway. Then, when the waiter said, “any more ladies” she said, “probably easier to get a bottle.” She did this twice and it was just under £200, just for that. No intention of paying - (fair enough it was my invite) - but I personally would just never do that! Not after giving Prosecco in a carrier bag to one of your oldest friends on her 40th! This is what annoys me.

AIBU to be rethinking some of these people? I don’t want anything from them, but it’s the attitude of one or two that has got me upset. AIBU?

Shocked, OP! YABU! I can’t believe most turned up empty handed, and the £200 on champagne was disgustingly grabby! I would have put a stop it straight away!
I’m thinking maybe you need to distance yourself from a few of these clingers-on… sounds like they’re taking advantage of your good nature.

Sorry, I meant YABU!

Wine or fat fingers… I can’t tell. One last time: YANBU

I think op you had your heads up when you said they were phoning you up excited about when you were organising something.

It's shit and I've done this a few times, but people only get to do it once to me
Happy a birthday though

@mila0 how very odd that you have never asked what her husband does and she's never asked you about your husband. That is really very strange. An odd friendship, where you don't discuss the most basic of things, even in general chit chat your spouses job title could pop up. What do you lot talk about?
Your friends have clearly taken advantage of you for ur wealth, you've just noticed it now.

Thankyou for all the kind comments. I did actually think of texting the ones who brought no gift and asking if it had got lost (because they did say they would send something). I feel so stupid even thinking that because it’s not about the actual gift at all, but the of thought and effort, as pp say. But I know now they won’t send anything, even though they seemed very happy with what I gave them not long ago. Personally, I could not treat anyone like that.

1. Very rude not to bring a gift. Downright ill mannered.
2. They were invited for a meal that you were paying for. If you’re a guest and you want to drink £100 bottle of champagne, you buy that yourself, not add it to your hostesses bill.

Do they perhaps see you and your OH as the “wealthy couple” as you said your husband had paid for a group trip to Italy? If this is the case I think it’s a shame that they’re in it for the money ( benefits) and not, it seems, for your friendship.

Sorry they spoilt your birthday, sounds like you didn’t deserve their crap behaviour.

I know what two of the husbands do. I don’t really know why I don’t know what the others do. Something corporate, I think? Only one of these friends works, so it’s not as if they don’t have time to get to the Post Office!

YANBU. I would also find this very upsetting. The no gifts wouldn't necessarily bother me but that coupled with the lame excuses and expecting you to foot expensive champagne bills certainly would!

I was just reading a thread where people were against op inviting friends to a pub lunch for her birthday if she was not going to pay. Now we are wondering why op is paying? This place is weird.

Simple answer - get new acquaintances - I don’t know what those people are but definitely not friends!

@Rewis

I was just reading a thread where people were against op inviting friends to a pub lunch for her birthday if she was not going to pay. Now we are wondering why op is paying? This place is weird.

You can't see the difference?

A pub lunch

Vs

A trip to Italy, all good and drink, a meal out and £200 bottles of champagne?

Really??

I think 40 is definitely a re-evaluation time for friendships. I’ve quietly let go some of my oldest friends recently as I’ve realised the only thing holding us together was memories of a carefree, fun and mostly drunken time. We don’t have the same ideals or principles now.
I would fume about it for a bit, then write it off and drift away

I think once you get a bit older, the gifts thing is a bit beside the point. I see some of my friends infrequently. We are all different. Some of my friends are much wealthier than me; some less so. I think the important thing should surely be whether you had a good time. Don't spend more than you can afford. Don't give more than you want to. Enjoy spending time with the people you like. Ordering champagne sounds like crossed wires. If you throw expensive parties then you give the impression these things don't matter. Your post is a strange mix of annoyance about them taking expensive champagne and holidays from you on the one hand and then pique about them not seeing your 40th as a special occasion on its own and not bringing you a decent gift.
Are you annoyed they weren't properly grateful?
Are you annoyed they didn't buy you a nice gift?
Are you annoyed they didn't give your birthday enough attention?

Did you enjoy their company and have a laugh?

@mila0

ScribblingPixie - Yes I can see how it might sound a bit odd, but I actually don’t know what her husband does. I’ve known him 20 years as well. It just doesn’t really come up. She’s never asked what my husband does either.

Wow, you have VERY different friendships to me or maybe I'm just incredibly nosy. But when you say your friends don't do anything for their birthdays it just sounds like you're where the fun and the money is, and over the years they've started to take that for granted and even lose sight of you altogether. I'd definitely focus on the nicer friends individually, and keep the grabby ones at a distance. Do personal not party.

I see what you mean cansu. I think I was most disappointed by the lame excuses. It felt quite insulting.

@Thegreencup

I get the impression you are the meal ticket of the group. Especially if you've taken them all away on holiday. They obviously wanted you to host and pay for a huge birthday shindig.

Personally I would drop them. Or only invite them to free events. See how long they stick around when everything isn't on your tab.

This No wonder they were ringing you to find out what the plans were weeks beforehand, I bet they thought 'yay another freebie! That's shit OP, really awful.

Wow we have a similar set up friend wise. One of us always gets the calculator out and tells everyone to the penny what they owe which amuses me. The birthday girl never pays. That's something I pay as a birthday treat . We give cards and a little gift we're all on differing incomes much better off than we were years ago but we don't over do the gift giving

Maybe they did do something for their 40th birthdays? Or some of them, anyway. Perhaps you just weren't part of it. I'd say it's odd for a whole group to decide to do nothing. It might have been with family only or other friends or each other. Just not with you.

Not trying to rub your nose in it, but sounds unlikely to me.

You need rich friends or stop buying gifts from now on.

If it's normal for the organiser to pay....

...Now you know why they didn't bother doing anything for their 40ths.

Oh I think they did something with their families. But also, we all went to Italy so they probably felt like we’d had a get together.

The way that happened was, my husband goes away with his friends (er, quite a lot) due to his hobbies, but I have never been away overnight by myself or with friends since I had out first DC when I was 29. So he had arranged this as a surprise for a group of us. But I don’t do that kind of thing often. Well never!

I said YABU but only because you are clearly loaded and bitching and moaning about gifts is a bit much. Wealthy people can be intimidating for us paupers. I wouldn't want to spend hundreds just to keep up with the kind of gift you can afford to buy me.

But absolutely drop these bitches. They are using you and taking you for granted. I can't imagine getting taken to Italy and out for a dinner with £200 champagne and not giving a gift or giving prosecco in a bag. Cheek!

They could have clubbed together and got you a bracelet or something.

You can't exactly call them out on lack of gifts and guzzling £200 bottles of champagne. You'd lack class. Just withdraw quietly.

Be honest. When they suggest a meet up say. I'm sorry but I'm not up for this. So little effort was made over my birthday it's made me realise you don't care about me. If they protest say the holiday to Italy made you uneasy that there was no thank you. It makes you feel taken for granted.

Much smaller, poorer example but my DH bought me a spa day for two. I invited a uni friend. They aren't as well off as us and have a habit of taking without giving but we try and laugh about it as we won't change them and we like their company. I don't see them too often. Anyway it wasn't a very fancy spa and we had lunch at the spa and she let me pay. It was only £20-30 but I was a bit astounded she had the cheek to accept me paying for lunch, I didn't insist but it was brass faced.

I didn’t mean to rub anything in their faces. I guess they were ringing me and wanting a date to come into London as it gets busy at this time of year. I hardly drink and I don’t go out much in general life.

Also I would not describe them as ‘paupers’ by any stretch.