Would you put up with this from friends on your 40th???

[mila0]

I have a certain group of about 6 girlfriends and we all go back to uni / early 20s. We lived together (pre- husbands etc obviously). Most of us still live in London, but two have moved out some years ago.

Anyway, I am the last to turn 40, but we’ve all turned 40 in the last year. None of them did anything for their 40th. My husband did send us on a break to Italy some months ago, which was lovely, but also some aspects of that annoyed me (but that’s another thread).

Anyway, for my birthday I didn’t want a massive party so I thought I’d see different groups of people and either have them over or take them out over the next few months. Two of them were ringing and ringing me for weeks about my birthday - “What are you planning? When do I pencil you in? Can’t wait!!!” All this kind of thing. So in the end, I booked and we went out for dinner somewhere really nice. However, these are my issues -

1. Of the 5 of them, only 2 brought a gift. Bearing in mind, I got them all (what I think) were really lovely things on their birthdays. One friend actually showed up, made a big drama about how she’d left my gift in her car but it was miles away, and then proceeded to give me a bottle of Prosecco in an M&S carrier bag she must have just bought in the tube! Another said the post hadn’t come. Another said some other waffle.

2. One of them made a toast - but essentially, she made it all about her! Also they all were making out that this was a celebration of “our birthday year.” Which it kind of was, but if it is that, why am I footing the whole bill then?

3. One in particular, kept saying TK
   Me whenever the water was lurking, “I’ll have anothec one if you are” - i.e. champagne at £22 per glass and I hasn’t even intimated I was having another anyway. Then, when the waiter said, “any more ladies” she said, “probably easier to get a bottle.” She did this twice and it was just under £200, just for that. No intention of paying - (fair enough it was my invite) - but I personally would just never do that! Not after giving Prosecco in a carrier bag to one of your oldest friends on her 40th! This is what annoys me.

AIBU to be rethinking some of these people? I don’t want anything from them, but it’s the attitude of one or two that has got me upset. AIBU?

If you want to celebrate your birthday in a restaurant where the champagne is £200 per bottle then you foot the bill I'm afraid.

If you had already taken them to Italy, why would they expect that you pay for the restaurant bill? Actually they should have divided the bill costs and covered your meal since you were the birthday girl.
They are taking advantage of you, not real friends.

If it's the norm for each of you to pay on your birthday as it's you that's done the inviting, that's one thing. But for someone to order themselves £400 worth of champagne, even if you can afford it, is well and truly cheeky fucker territory.

It's absolutely shit when you realise that people who were friends aren't who you thought they were any more. But as a PP said, I'd use this as a point to reassess those friendships and either quietly step away from those that aren't working any more or reinforce some firmer, arm's length boundaries if you do continue to see them.

I've had a similar thing recently where I ended up buying most of the drinks for people who I thought were mates, on MY birthday (which is most certainly not the norm for us)! It made me realise that the friendships' sell-by date had long since expired. Similarly, I'd bought them presents for their birthdays only to just get a card in return, so I feel your hurt on that front. It's not the present per se, it's the "can't be arsed" message they're sending.

One of my best friends is on a similar level rich to the Beckham's. When we go out we split the bill. She's my friend not a cash point.

Look at this group as individuals, and decide if any of them are actual friends.

@mila0

Thankyou. I do have friends who I’ve met more locally and in the last decade who are the total opposite to this.

My husband is very ‘to the point’ and he just says, ‘They have upset you, so ring them and tell them.’ But I’m not doing this because I shouldn’t have to point out the obvious. I would never give a 40th gift of a bottle of Prosecco to an oldest friend in a carrier bag. That is like a gift you might bring if a neighbour or whatever has invited you to dinner or something.

That's YOU and your expectations though.

“I've had a similar thing recently where I ended up buying most of the drinks for people who I thought were mates, on MY birthday (which is most certainly not the norm for us)! It made me realise that the friendships' sell-by date had long since expired. Similarly, I'd bought them presents for their birthdays only to just get a card in return, so I feel your hurt on that front. It's not the present per se, it's the "can't be arsed" message they're sending.“

Yes this is exactly it.

That sounds crap. To go to effort, invite them and foot the bill but be made to feel not so special on your birthday is rubbish.

But if the friendships are such long lived friendships, perhaps they’re strong enough for you to express that your hurt to avoid further issues?

@BrightYellowDaffodil

If it's the norm for each of you to pay on your birthday as it's you that's done the inviting, that's one thing. But for someone to order themselves £400 worth of champagne, even if you can afford it, is well and truly cheeky fucker territory.

It's absolutely shit when you realise that people who were friends aren't who you thought they were any more. But as a PP said, I'd use this as a point to reassess those friendships and either quietly step away from those that aren't working any more or reinforce some firmer, arm's length boundaries if you do continue to see them.

I've had a similar thing recently where I ended up buying most of the drinks for people who I thought were mates, on MY birthday (which is most certainly not the norm for us)! It made me realise that the friendships' sell-by date had long since expired. Similarly, I'd bought them presents for their birthdays only to just get a card in return, so I feel your hurt on that front. It's not the present per se, it's the "can't be arsed" message they're sending.

It’s the “can’t be arsed” message they’re sending.

That truly sums the situation up.

You said of one of your friends that you don't know what her husband does for a living - but you go back 20 years? It seems a bit odd that you're not sufficiently interested to ask about something so central to her life. Yet you're paying for her to come on holiday with you. I can't grasp the dynamics at play here.

If anyone wants to give me a bottle of Prosecco in a plastic bag, please do!

ScribblingPixie - Yes I can see how it might sound a bit odd, but I actually don’t know what her husband does. I’ve known him 20 years as well. It just doesn’t really come up. She’s never asked what my husband does either.

I felt the gift thing on my 30th. I had given great gifts to some friends who gave a generic or non gift back. I then felt like I was being grabby but actually was hurt that the effort just wasn't there. If the effort isn't there, then they don't really care about you do they?

Haven’t read the whole thread but I hear you! I’ve always paid my way/much more than my way - paid for friends for things etc and I realised my best mate was taking the mick when I paid for her to go on an expensive two week holiday (as she couldn’t afford it and didn’t want her to be the only one in the group not going) then years later not dropping that I owed her £16 for my bridesmaid shoes by the way she could afford both the holiday and the shoes. No I never gave her the £16 and she never gave me the £1600 she owed me from 2004. We no longer speak…., but exchange bday/Christmas cards lol

@mila0

I am only 40 once and I wanted to treat my friends, But yes, this was the last straw in terms of the behaviour of two of them. One other one I am keeping an open mind about - for now. It’s sad though, that it has come to this.

Why did you want to treat your "friends" on your birthday?

Shouldn't they be treating you?

Dreadful dynamic you've got with them.

No I would not put up with that and I would definitely not have paid for the extra bottles of champagne. I kind of get why you picked up the tab, I have done that myself on birthday meals but that is normally reciprocated. Time to reassess whether you want to continue with these friendships or time for some frank talking.

Fuck that.

If somebody else orders Champagne they are paying for it and I would happily make a scene about it.

I think for most of us reading this, ordering two bottles of champagne for £200 at your expense is 😳 and unbelievably rude.

But… your household income sounds huge. Your husband paid for 6 of you to go to Italy, with the expectation of paying for the meals and drinks there too, by the sounds of it - from the way you say other friends stepped in to suggest contributing.

So really, this £200… is that more like for me, a friend ordering two bottles of wine for £50? Because if it’s already established that you’re paying, and you’re happy with that, bottles are cheaper than by the glass.

Of course there’s all the other stuff so I’d ditch the parasite 🤷🏻‍♀️

But I think in your income bracket the £200 isn’t quite as 😳 as it first seems!

I don’t know Offmyfence, but it’s kind of normal for us and most people I can think of that if you are throwing an event, then you pay for it. In the same way as if it were at your home you would be paying for that. I don’t think it’s unusual.

The problem here is that none of them have done anything for their birthdays. That’s obviously their choice. I don’t really know why. But I felt like my event kind of morphed into everyone’s 40th in a way.

They sound flakey at best. The sort of people who are with you for what they can get out of the friendship, and I’ll bet that should you ever fall on hard times, and not able to be so generous, they would disappear from your life. It’s sad that you consider these people friends.

I dint think it’s always been ‘sad’. We were all students together. We’ve supported each other through relationship dramas, kids and all the usual. Some of us lived together when we got our first jobs.

Could you casually text and ask if your present got lost in the post, as you haven’t received it yet? Purely just to see their reply, not for the present itself..

It doesn’t matter if you are “rich” or not. True friends would never take advantage like this.
You are totally right to re-evaluate the dynamics here. The lack of thought and respect for your kindness shows they are not worth your time and effort!

it sounds like champagne woman has always been a freeloader anyway. I can almost guarantee that if you didn’t offer her free holidays and meals out, you’d not see her for dust. She’s definitely one of life’s takers who only uses people to get whatever she can get out of them.

I’d cut your losses now, they’re not true friends!

I’m from the south and no birthday girl would pay for her whole group anyway! Either evenly split or we’d usually all chip in and cover the bday person! Not normal anywhere so YABU for paying. They sound awful though.

@mila0

I don’t know Offmyfence, but it’s kind of normal for us and most people I can think of that if you are throwing an event, then you pay for it. In the same way as if it were at your home you would be paying for that. I don’t think it’s unusual.

The problem here is that none of them have done anything for their birthdays. That’s obviously their choice. I don’t really know why. But I felt like my event kind of morphed into everyone’s 40th in a way.

Yeah to a point, I host at home a lot, I'd be very surprised if guests turned up without a bottle of wine.

I'd also be very surprised to have my husband "send us away" and pay for that, but certainly would not expect to provide all meals and drink.

I understand each person choosing the venue/hosting on her own birthday. It can work well in a group where people have significantly different budgets - one person can be extravagant without the others feeling awkward, and someone else can pick a modest place they like without worrying about a huge bill. But it only works if it's reciprocal - not in terms of £ spent by each person but some kind of balance and roughly similar effort and thoughtfulness -- like each person hosting in turn, or sending a well-chosen birthday present to someone who'd sent you one.

I can see how your friend would look to you to see if you were having another glass of expensive champagne and if you'd encourage everyone to have another, but if you said no she should follow your lead. I can also understand the friend bringing the train station prosecco IF she genuinely forgot your gift at the last minute and didn't want to come empty-handed ... but the real gift should follow the next day or so. It's likely not any one of the small (and probably excusable) things you've mentioned here that bothers you, but a pattern going back at least a few years. And that whenever you do give them the benfit of the doubt, you end up disappointed (e.g., the forgotten gifts never arriving).

If you don't want to lose the friendships, I'd tighten up and be very clear up front what you're offering and stick to it. You don't have to host your birthday because you always have, and you don't have to do it at an expensive place. And you definitely don't have to let anyone stay at your house if you'd rather not. Cracking down and setting tighter boundaries probably would feel awkward at first, but you're not the one who began the awkwardness.

But if there are certain friends you're really ready to cut off/distance yourself from, then I'd do it. No need for a big announcement or talk if you don't want that; just go back to meeting one on one or in small groups and only invite/accept invitations from the people you still consider good friends.