Would you put up with this from friends on your 40th???

[mila0]

I have a certain group of about 6 girlfriends and we all go back to uni / early 20s. We lived together (pre- husbands etc obviously). Most of us still live in London, but two have moved out some years ago.

Anyway, I am the last to turn 40, but we’ve all turned 40 in the last year. None of them did anything for their 40th. My husband did send us on a break to Italy some months ago, which was lovely, but also some aspects of that annoyed me (but that’s another thread).

Anyway, for my birthday I didn’t want a massive party so I thought I’d see different groups of people and either have them over or take them out over the next few months. Two of them were ringing and ringing me for weeks about my birthday - “What are you planning? When do I pencil you in? Can’t wait!!!” All this kind of thing. So in the end, I booked and we went out for dinner somewhere really nice. However, these are my issues -

1. Of the 5 of them, only 2 brought a gift. Bearing in mind, I got them all (what I think) were really lovely things on their birthdays. One friend actually showed up, made a big drama about how she’d left my gift in her car but it was miles away, and then proceeded to give me a bottle of Prosecco in an M&S carrier bag she must have just bought in the tube! Another said the post hadn’t come. Another said some other waffle.

2. One of them made a toast - but essentially, she made it all about her! Also they all were making out that this was a celebration of “our birthday year.” Which it kind of was, but if it is that, why am I footing the whole bill then?

3. One in particular, kept saying TK
   Me whenever the water was lurking, “I’ll have anothec one if you are” - i.e. champagne at £22 per glass and I hasn’t even intimated I was having another anyway. Then, when the waiter said, “any more ladies” she said, “probably easier to get a bottle.” She did this twice and it was just under £200, just for that. No intention of paying - (fair enough it was my invite) - but I personally would just never do that! Not after giving Prosecco in a carrier bag to one of your oldest friends on her 40th! This is what annoys me.

AIBU to be rethinking some of these people? I don’t want anything from them, but it’s the attitude of one or two that has got me upset. AIBU?

Well I invited them so I expected to pay. But it was the Prosecco in the crumpled carrier bag that has really upset me. I know it sounds petty and I’m not usually like this. But I sent her a handbag on her 40th birthday (not a designer one, but I wanted to get her something nice because she’d been having a hard time).

Yes that’s it. I’m not doing it anymore. I have other friends who would never dream of behaving like this.

My husband did send us on a break to Italy some months ago, which was lovely,

What does this mean? Your husband paid for you and your friends go on holiday? That would suggest a dynamic where they see you as loaded and have got too used to it.

😲😲😲😲😲

How much did the dinner come to?!?! I'd keel over at those costs and I would NEVER expect to foot the bill of a bday meal. We must go on very different circles. We always split the bill.

Your friends are taking advantage of you. If you don't receive gifts in the post from those with feable excuses, mention it. "Hiya, just checking if you posted the pressie as I haven't received it and things have gone missing recently so just making sure that's not the case!"

I can't believe you foot the bill though, I'm assuming it was £300/£400+? Crazy money.

Yabu for expecting a gift they were yabu for ordering expensive drinks.

I’d be really upset too. It’s not really a question of how much money they spend on you but whether you feel like your special day was made to feel special by the people who love you.
Yes time for a rethink

Although for different reasons, I had a similar feeling about my 40th - so many people didn’t bother that it really made me re-evaluate some of my relationships and why I’d been giving so much. It was a hard wake-up call at the time though.

@mila0

Well I invited them so I expected to pay. But it was the Prosecco in the crumpled carrier bag that has really upset me. I know it sounds petty and I’m not usually like this. But I sent her a handbag on her 40th birthday (not a designer one, but I wanted to get her something nice because she’d been having a hard time).

@mila0 you don't sound petty ,it's the lack of thought and effort that upset you and is completely understandable

I am only 40 once and I wanted to treat my friends, But yes, this was the last straw in terms of the behaviour of two of them. One other one I am keeping an open mind about - for now. It’s sad though, that it has come to this.

You all sound loaded - I'm jealous!

Seriously though OP they took the absolute piss with the ordering of the bubbles.

The rest wouldn't bother me, but since this doesn't appear to be an isolated incident I think you're right in sticking with your kinder friends.

That sounds awful, OP.
Other posters are suggesting that your trip to Italy has set a precedent.
I disagree.
It doesn't matter how anyone celebrates their milestone birthday.
A thoughtful gift, no matter how simple , should be offered and no one takes the piss.

You have your own rules within your group OP and that’s fine.
But even within those rules, that woman pushed boundaries way past what you would normally do.

Did anyone ever take champagne by the bottle before?? That’s what would make the difference.

As for the gifts.
It’s crap. They might have decided to not do anything as a group for their own birthdays. That doesn’t mean it’s ok to turn empty handed or with something quickly bought at the underground station.

As others have said, maybe time to take some distance from them?

Poor you, what an utter disappointment. I would send them individual letters, outlining their behaviour, if they don't redeem theirselves I'm afraid dump them. Suspect, they will be so embarrassed and you will get an apology. Then at the very least you have given them a chance. Utter appalling behaviour for you 40th. Good luck.

Yes, @Tittyfilarious81, us in the North west don't take no crap! If anyone tried to put their fingers in my purse that way, I'd chop them off. I think everyone is aware of that!

If your DH paid for you all to go to Italy one time, then maybe they think you are loaded and your DH is paying so no expense spared?

Even in Italy, this one friend never said she would get dinner or even a round of drinks to say thanks for the trip. But there was another friend who came on this and she insisted on everyone splitting the bill a few times and I shouldn’t pay. You see the difference in people. But I can’t understand this one friend who I now see will take advantage because she is not the type to take advantage of anyone in any other way. Quite the opposite! So it’s very confusing.

They’re taking you for a ride OP.

Something very similar happened to me on my 40th.

Again, I was paying and as in your situation, I saw very little effort was made and much advantage was taken. It took another time where I felt completely taken for granted (in terms of what I could offer) before I mentally cancelled the friendships.

There was no falling out, but I never again allowed my generosity to be the subject of someone's piss take. It was a valuable lesson actually.

Sometimes our history with friends prevents us from seeing the realty.

Are you extremely wealthy? Did your husband pay for you and all your friends to go to Italy? If you all live a celebrity style lifestyle maybe this is the norm in your group? If you are not wealthy then this is very weird behaviour all round.

whenthedoveslie - I think you are right and this is what is happening. It’s very disappointing.

Is the venue with £22 for one drink usual for all your friends? Can everyone afford that?

Hey @mila0, you don't sound petty at all, you sound lovely. If that's how parties are organised where you are, that's great. We all have different customs. I wouldnt be bothered about presents because I hate buying for others in case I get it wrong. So we don't do that except for something very small if we see something. But I can see their lies about the presents would be exasperating for you and I'd find it upsetting too. But I wouldn't be challenging them over their behaviour. Why should you have to work that hard? They know what proper behaviour is.
Im sure you have other friends, so I'd start giving these lot a miss and just get together for a coffee occasionally if you can be bothered! Just know that you did nothing wrong and didn't deserve such bad treatment.

Time for new friends! Sounds like they all reverted to 'student' boozing & behaviour but with grown up tastes.

@mila0

Even in Italy, this one friend never said she would get dinner or even a round of drinks to say thanks for the trip. But there was another friend who came on this and she insisted on everyone splitting the bill a few times and I shouldn’t pay. You see the difference in people. But I can’t understand this one friend who I now see will take advantage because she is not the type to take advantage of anyone in any other way. Quite the opposite! So it’s very confusing.

Could it be that she's envious of your relative affluence and she's being a bit passive aggressive about it...? I had something similar years ago, when I was married and was lucky enough to be in a position to afford to be generous like you've been. Most of my friends were fine with it, but one or two absolutely took the piss, which seemed out of character, but it turned out they weren't quite the friends I thought they were. It was funny how quickly they melted away once I was divorced and living in the real world again...

Your life is not normal. For most people, husbands don’t ‘send’ their wives & their wives’ friends to Italy for a holiday, and people don’t drink bottles of champagne that cost £100.

You are rich. I’m assuming that some of your old Uni friends aren’t.

Your friendships could survive this but you would need to be more low key and not throw your money around, and they would need to have more pride and not accept it.

Don’t take them on holiday, don’t pay for their meals and don’t buy them more expensive presents than they buy you. Be sensitive in conversation and don’t rub their noses in how rich you are.

How they behave if you dial it down, will tell you what you need to know about whether your friendships have longevity potential.