Would you put up with this from friends on your 40th???

[mila0]

I have a certain group of about 6 girlfriends and we all go back to uni / early 20s. We lived together (pre- husbands etc obviously). Most of us still live in London, but two have moved out some years ago.

Anyway, I am the last to turn 40, but we’ve all turned 40 in the last year. None of them did anything for their 40th. My husband did send us on a break to Italy some months ago, which was lovely, but also some aspects of that annoyed me (but that’s another thread).

Anyway, for my birthday I didn’t want a massive party so I thought I’d see different groups of people and either have them over or take them out over the next few months. Two of them were ringing and ringing me for weeks about my birthday - “What are you planning? When do I pencil you in? Can’t wait!!!” All this kind of thing. So in the end, I booked and we went out for dinner somewhere really nice. However, these are my issues -

1. Of the 5 of them, only 2 brought a gift. Bearing in mind, I got them all (what I think) were really lovely things on their birthdays. One friend actually showed up, made a big drama about how she’d left my gift in her car but it was miles away, and then proceeded to give me a bottle of Prosecco in an M&S carrier bag she must have just bought in the tube! Another said the post hadn’t come. Another said some other waffle.

2. One of them made a toast - but essentially, she made it all about her! Also they all were making out that this was a celebration of “our birthday year.” Which it kind of was, but if it is that, why am I footing the whole bill then?

3. One in particular, kept saying TK
   Me whenever the water was lurking, “I’ll have anothec one if you are” - i.e. champagne at £22 per glass and I hasn’t even intimated I was having another anyway. Then, when the waiter said, “any more ladies” she said, “probably easier to get a bottle.” She did this twice and it was just under £200, just for that. No intention of paying - (fair enough it was my invite) - but I personally would just never do that! Not after giving Prosecco in a carrier bag to one of your oldest friends on her 40th! This is what annoys me.

AIBU to be rethinking some of these people? I don’t want anything from them, but it’s the attitude of one or two that has got me upset. AIBU?

But it sounds like most of ops friends are well off too, if they can afford to send 2dc to boarding school, that does not come cheap!
I've had similar op but more in terms of I've changed my lifestyle (no longer drink) and have been completely ditched by some of my old partying friends. It's hurtful for a bit but life changes and I would father rather hangout with people who have more in common (particularly those I've met through my hobby) then try and hangon to people who can't be bothered to make any effort.

Hi Thankyou to everyone who has taken the time and posted their thoughts.

Honestly, if this were any old birthday, I wouldn’t care or even notice the lack of a gift. I think I was a bit sensitive about turning 40 anyway to be honest. I’m over it now.

Basically, I am annoyed most with a particular one. In Italy, she spent nothing. She has been on for months about what I’m doing for my birthday, “I’m definitely up for a night out” etc etc. I’ve lost count of how many times she’s said this. Also, during lockdown, I’d suggested to them all that we should go abroad for a long weekend or something when restrictions eased, as we were all turning 40 and why not? The husbands do it all the time (well mine does). They were all humming and haaing about dates but amazingly, when DH contacted them and then booked it, they were all suddenly free!

The no gift / champagne ordering friend once lived with me for six months ;this was years ago) and, when I think about it, she never even bought us dinner then. It makes no sense how she is like this I. The wider context of her personality. Also, when we moved, her husband came with a van and took a shedload of furniture and mirrors we wouldn’t be taking - eg Lombok furniture. When her kids come, they always get very ‘attached’ to my kids things - teddies or whatever - and go home with allsorts because they won’t be separated from these things. Not to mention, she always asks if there’s are clothes my girls have grown out of. She has had huge amounts over the years as my girls are a bit older. None of this has ever bothered me in the least and I’ve been glad to find use for such things. But as pps have described, I think you can have a watershed moment and that’s what has happened here. I have similar issues with some family members (really, really bad actually), but families are weird. I just find it hard to accept in a friend (or possibly three).

@mila0

Thankyou. I do have friends who I’ve met more locally and in the last decade who are the total opposite to this.

My husband is very ‘to the point’ and he just says, ‘They have upset you, so ring them and tell them.’ But I’m not doing this because I shouldn’t have to point out the obvious. I would never give a 40th gift of a bottle of Prosecco to an oldest friend in a carrier bag. That is like a gift you might bring if a neighbour or whatever has invited you to dinner or something.

You keep focusing on the prosecco and not seeing this is part of the wider thing. Im hoping it's the tipping point with this friend.

Stop paying for stuff. The next meet up make it clear that you're all just paying for yourselves. Take a set amount of cash and leave your cards at home or whatever.

If you allow people to treat you like shit then they will carry on doing so, it's that simple.

Well, my best friend ‘organised’ a 30th ‘birthday’ get together for me in a mexican fast food restaurant and shoved me a £9.99 discounted snagged t-shirt from Mango that she bought for herself but probably missed the return window. No problems with this, except FOR HER BIRTHDAY on the other hand we would all need to go to one of the brothels with food (i.e Sexy Fish, Park Chinois, Novikov etc) and spend hundreds on cocktails, champagne and dinner. And gifts.
As our birthdays are close together in February she once said ‘it’s our birthday’ celebrations and booked the horribly expensive Park Chinois. But because it was on her actual burthday day she expected me to split the bill with 4 other girls and pay for her. Normally i am a pushover in those situations but i said no. I can pay for myself but not you. Honestly, going out on ‘girls night out’ was such a nightmare that i am glad covid put a stop to that.

If you allow people to treat you like shit then they will carry on doing so, it's that simple.

This!!

You can’t change people OP, BUT you can change how you behave. So stop letting them treat you like this. To be brutally honest they aren’t nice friends are they and you need to accept this decide what’s you can do about it.

I just find it hard to accept in a friend (or possibly three)

But the friend who lived with you has been taking advantage of your kindness for years, why are you surprised she’s still behaving like this?

What do you think you will do @mila0? Do you think you will contact Champagne "friend" or just let the friendships slip?

You invite you pay here as well
So you suck up £100 wine

You don’t need to chose that venue. I live in central London and champagne isn’t routinely £22 a glass by any means

The thing is, she is an absolutely lovely person otherwise, but if we’re out and I’m paying, I feel that she’ll take it to the max, if that makes sense. And I don’t understand why she would be like this because, in other ways, she’s the most caring person going and she always really worried about what everyone thinks about her. It makes no sense.

Sounds like a drinker. And I say that as a former drinker. Her goal is not to celebrate you, but to maximize the amount of alcohol she can consume, makes sense she'd say she's dying for a night out - she's just looking for an excuse. It sounds like she's treated you like a doormat for years with no pushback (because you're too kind). Personally, I'd say sweet fuck all to her because no matter what you say, you'll be wrong. Just cut her out.

The others... I mean, I'd be mortified if I turned up with my arms swinging for a friend's birthday, let alone a milestone birthday!!! That's literally the point of the lunch, I dunno how you can forget the gift.

I'm also astounded that none of your friends - particularly giftless friends - didn't offer to split the bill or at least buy one of the bottles of champagne.

But then I'd also say if you're ordering that, you can pay for it.

Arsehole friend with the no gift and expensive taste does sound like fur coat & no knickers. She appears to live well - but it's at the expense of others. She's a freeloader and a user.

WhatTimeIsItMrGinola - I think I will just let it slip.

Yes, I completely take the point that I did not have to take them to that restaurant. So the cost of drinks is not their problem. I totally get that. It was more the way she was ordering it (shouting over my head) that came across as rude. Of course, if she had offered to get drinks I wouldn’t have let her. But there was no intention of this on her part and that was very clear.

OP,

You sound lovely and you are not unreasonable at all to be upset.

But you shouldn't really be surprised.

You have several friends particularly one who sees you not as a friend but as a cash cow and what she can get from you.

That she imposes on you so much and that you allow her to impose on your holiday is unbelievable.

Your boundasound SO poor that you would accept such rudeness and to be so used.

Counselling would be of benefit to you to find out why you would allow it to go SO far.

This is so far beyond CF territory.

I wouldn't dream of saying a word about any of this.

I simply would NEVER pay for or organise anything again.

As for user CF ex friend I simply would be too busy and unavailable.

Focus on other friends.

If another night out comes up, do not organise it.

Bring cash and only pay for YOUR part.

Invest in local friends who know how to behave, not these CF's that you share history with but not manners.

Let this watershed moment at the beginning of your 40's mark a new era for you.

@wineandsunshine

Why were you paying for your friends meals/drinks on your birthday???

@wineandsunshine - this! On a lot if not all of birthday meals when I've been out in the past - we all pay for the birthday girl's share or I chip in and pay for birthday girl's share. The birthday girl never pays for everyone else though sometimes might order a bottle of champagne for the table for a toast.

Hi OP,
I think you have unwittingly played a part in setting yourself up for this. It sounds like you have been a generous and gracious host, but too much so, because now you have given the impression that you are very rich and don’t mind paying/hosting and you are starting to resent it.

(In my opinion as we all have our own bubbles) when a meal out is organised between friends the expectation re cost is given by sending out menus or giving an idea of prices and ask if this is ok.

Next time book somewhere appropriate to your friends budgets rather than your own and tell your friends the price for the set menu/ask them to transfer it. I.e. “Hi guys, fancy trying this place. It’s £30 for three courses. Send me your food choices and payment and I’ll book it”. (Buy your own drinks at the bar/don’t offer and see if anyone buys you a drink or buys their own) If no ones interested unless you are paying then you know where you stand (but I’m sure some of your friends would love to come and pay their way and it will only be one or two grabby people that don’t want to come if they are paying themselves.

You say you have other groups of friends. Don’t make the same mistake again. Pay your own way and let your friends pay theirs unless it’s an equal and reciprocal arrangement like taking it in turns to get the coffees.

This is awful, you don't deserve this OP, you sound a really lovely generous person. I think it sounds like your one friend has gotten comfortable just taking from you and just assumes you don't mind, but that meal sounds beyond, I don't know anyone that would behave in that way! I don't think you should let it go because it'll forever bother you, is there anyone in the group (that's not grabby) that you could discuss quietly about the best way to go about handling this and what to say to the one friend? Maybe just tactfully about how you were a bit upset at how you feel you were taken advantage of and no effort was made? Does this one girl take advantage at other events when someone else is paying or just yours?

Also it would have been hilarious if at the end of the meal you turned to your friend and asked her to pay for the 2 bottles 😂 would make her think twice before taking the piss again. I'd maybe even consider asking her to bank transfer me £100 for one of the bottles 🤔

Quote "The problem here is that none of them have done anything for their birthdays. That’s obviously their choice. I don’t really know why."

You say It's the norm in your friendship group for the host/person to invite to pay for everyone. You also say none of your friends celebrated their birthdays. Don't you think the two things might be related? If everyone paid for themselves you might meet up a lot more as people would be a he'll of a lot keener to go out for their birthdays. They don't want to (or can't) pay for everyone!

Out of interest OP are you happy/willing to go to the weatherspoon/Toby carvery if that was your friends budget?

Urgh she’s pegged you as rich and is out to fill her boots. Step back or have the friendship just stop paying, I’m sure she will pull back.

Can people stop asking OP why she was paying.

It is as odd to me that guests would pay for themselves and birthday person as paying for everyone is to you. It is clearly different ways of doing things - which is clear from the OP.

Counselling would be of benefit to you to find out why you would allow it to go SO far.

I disagree unless there is something else going on. This is a classic case of a friendship way past it's shelf life and an OP finally waking up to a 'friend' not actually being much of one unless she is on the take and benefiting.

Time to consign them to the history books @mila0

A good clear out as you enter your 40s is a liberation.

She can’t wait for us to go in holiday snd then she brings her whole family to stay in our house (plus her mother) .

YANBU, they sound like vultures

Please tell me this holiday is not happening?

• stop getting them gifts
• stop letting them stay in your holiday home
• stop taking them away on holidays / weekends abroad
• stop giving them your kids toys / clothes
• stop paying for their drinks / meals

If there is a still a friendship after there is no monetary benefit to be gained by them from you then continue the friendships if you want, but don't let them freeload off you ever again, for your own sanity.

I have a friend like this. I always buy her a birthday and Christmas presents and I get nothing back. Not even a card.

This Christmas I didn't buy her anything.

My brother was at my house unexpectedly so I gave him his present while she was there, and explained what it was how to use it etc and said I know you like all that shit. she genuinely looked upset and said "I like all that shit too!" I just ignored her!

I refuse to keep giving to a taker. We've been friends for over 26 years and I've realised it's been like this for a while just had enough of feeling unappreciated.

For context I was a single unemployed mother until recently, she has a high flying job in the city no kids lives at home and every boyfriend she's had ALWAYS gets birthday and Christmas gifts!

You don't have to cut them off OP but scale back your generosity and only pay for yourself from now on!

My friend has learnt to zip it when they go away she has a big house tourists hot spot. Family descend like locusts empty her freezer wine stock, their excuse they were stopping burglary

A counter point.

We have friendship groups with mixed income levels. We go out for dinner and have trips together. I would never take them to a ‘posh’ place, even if, especially if, I was paying. It would make them uncomfortable.

I think, in part, you set yourself up for this one given the expensive Italy trip and going to dinner where champagne costs £100…

I feel for you OP. I really can’t stand people who take advantage of the generosity of others.

If none of them had done anything for their birthdays, I'd have suggested you all go out for a joint birthday do and split the bill.

Seems bonkers to pay for everyone in an ££££ restaurant if you were the only one who did that. You're effectively paying for everyone else and getting nothing in return.

But if I had agreed to pay, I'd have told the cheeky drinky friend that I wasn't paying for champagne for her, and she could pay if she wanted it. Cheeky cow.

But you've known these women 20 years and you don't know what they or their husbands do for a living? Odd. And you've never noticed before how tight they are? Also odd.

Absolutely not on and horribly rude to order more than a glass for yourself if you are a guest. And, even then, you don't order more/more expensive stuff than the host, unless the host has repeatedly invited you to.

I've had a similar thing where someone ordered bottles. I really don't understand where these people get the guts to be so rude from.