Would you put up with this from friends on your 40th???

[mila0]

I have a certain group of about 6 girlfriends and we all go back to uni / early 20s. We lived together (pre- husbands etc obviously). Most of us still live in London, but two have moved out some years ago.

Anyway, I am the last to turn 40, but we’ve all turned 40 in the last year. None of them did anything for their 40th. My husband did send us on a break to Italy some months ago, which was lovely, but also some aspects of that annoyed me (but that’s another thread).

Anyway, for my birthday I didn’t want a massive party so I thought I’d see different groups of people and either have them over or take them out over the next few months. Two of them were ringing and ringing me for weeks about my birthday - “What are you planning? When do I pencil you in? Can’t wait!!!” All this kind of thing. So in the end, I booked and we went out for dinner somewhere really nice. However, these are my issues -

1. Of the 5 of them, only 2 brought a gift. Bearing in mind, I got them all (what I think) were really lovely things on their birthdays. One friend actually showed up, made a big drama about how she’d left my gift in her car but it was miles away, and then proceeded to give me a bottle of Prosecco in an M&S carrier bag she must have just bought in the tube! Another said the post hadn’t come. Another said some other waffle.

2. One of them made a toast - but essentially, she made it all about her! Also they all were making out that this was a celebration of “our birthday year.” Which it kind of was, but if it is that, why am I footing the whole bill then?

3. One in particular, kept saying TK
   Me whenever the water was lurking, “I’ll have anothec one if you are” - i.e. champagne at £22 per glass and I hasn’t even intimated I was having another anyway. Then, when the waiter said, “any more ladies” she said, “probably easier to get a bottle.” She did this twice and it was just under £200, just for that. No intention of paying - (fair enough it was my invite) - but I personally would just never do that! Not after giving Prosecco in a carrier bag to one of your oldest friends on her 40th! This is what annoys me.

AIBU to be rethinking some of these people? I don’t want anything from them, but it’s the attitude of one or two that has got me upset. AIBU?

OP I'll be your friend 😬, but seriously in life there are givers and takers...you sound like a giver....and many of them are takers...sometimes you can tolerate it because of their circumstances etc but sometimes it's time out.....move on and focus time on friends who really are, well, friends x

This all sounds a bit glass slippers are too tight.

Anyone who orders 100 quid bottles of champagne on my tab would be dealt with sharpish.

YADNBU. As others have said, it sounds like they were keen on you celebrating your birthday just so that they could enjoy a free - and expensive- meal.

Do they ever get in touch and arrange low-key events, like a catch-up over coffee? That would be quite telling.

I hope you managed to enjoy your birthday despite this.

I've been here. The problem is if you are wealthy and generous it can be a very bad combination. It goes from gratitude to acceptance to expectation to entitlement lighting fast in my experience. People can't help themselves. I have seen it in every walk of life even in work.
Its not about the presents and I too understand why you paid but the lack of gifts and the buying of multiple bottles of champagne without even the offer of contributing is shocking.

No. This is deeply unpleasant behaviour from the friend(s?) who -

Pretended to have a gift but hasn't bothered to send it
Ordered champagne by the bottle
Claimed it was a group birthday

I wouldn't mind the prosecco in the crumpled bag though. Let's say she did forget the real present, it's better than arriving empty handed.

I think it's normal for you to pay for dinner if that's the way it works in your circles. But you've been a lovely host, it's reasonable to expect gratitude, to feel special and not taken advantage of.

You said this particular friend never pays for herself. Is she just like this with you or in general.

You sound very generous. I am generous too and enjoy treating people. I'm not wealthy like you but it's irrelevant, I move in different circles and it's all relative.

However I have a long-term friend and she sucks the pleasure out of generosity. She will always push a bit further when I've treated. It is clear she doesn't appreciate it and leaves a sour taste in my mouth. So now I end up behaving in a very unnatural way of always being careful I don't end up paying for her (I inevitably end up paying for something however). It's not nice.

I don't think you should have to tell your friends either but if you decide to I'd go the honest route - I was hurt by your behaviour on my birthday night; you referred to it as a shared birthday, you never followed up with a present, you took the proverbial ordering bottles of champagne.

Not to sound unkind, but these people are not your friends. They've made no effort, they've taken you for granted, they've used you.
Bin them off and find new people who appreciate you.

Ordering bottles of champagne when you know someone else is footing the bill is the height of rudeness!!!

@madisonbridges

Maybe we're a bit harsher up north but if someone ordered a £100 bottle of champagne, I'd be saying I'm not paying for that. And no one would look askance at me. Mind you, on our birthdays, everyone clubs yogether and pays for you, not the other way round! That way no one orders £100 bottles of champagne when they're picking up the tab. They're very cheeky fuckers.

We definitely are!!!

I assume you are wealthy so it's lovely and generous of you to treat friends from time to time but should never be assumed. On my 40th I did a few smaller events but I only paid for my self. In fact people bought me drinks etc as it was my birthday! If I was invited to someone's birthday I would assume I was paying for myself and possibly contributing to theirs!

Are you a Euro millions winner who splashes cash around. Seems odd for friends to behave like this under ordinary circumstances.

I can understand why you are hurt but the idea of a bottle of prosecco in a plastic carrier bag and the other's odd excuses would give me the rage. And as for the ordering of the bottles of champagne it's hard to believe that anybody could be that rude. As somebody said they could have clubbed together for a thoughtful even if not a costly gift. After their free holiday in Italy it would be the least you could expect.

But you sound like you have a nice family, other friends and plenty of money. Under no circumstance would that person be staying in my house again either.

the word tramps springs to mind

I'm sorry, OP, but I think these friends no longer respect you, they just see you as a cash cow. Not all friends are for life. It's time to drop these women, don't bother with trying to embarrass them about the lack of gifts in the post, it will just go over their heads. They are users. Sorry.

You sound like a nice person and your a giver. After you paid for a holiday in Italy for them and you they could and should have paid for your 40th birthday meal. They should have each bought you a present with some thought put into it but to turn up with a bottle of prosecco in a plastic bag or empty handed is poor from. No wonder you feel the way you do after been treated like the group ATM and it making you look back at other things in the past with them also.

Believe me your not the only person this has happened to. One of my friends had a major birthday during the summer. Friend A she has barley seen since COVID started. Friend A said she call to see her in her house with a card and has still not found the time to do this but has given plenty of excuses meanwhile.
My friend has arranged to meet A for lunch soon and she has told me that if A let's her down again she won't let her away with it.

My friend tried to meet friend B a few days after her birthday. Friend B does shift work and despite not working on a particular day gave a very poor excuse about why they could not meet.

Yet a few weeks later B rang my friend to say she was going to Spain with her boyfriend the following weekend. She then asked my friend could she mind her 2 dogs - both toy breed's for X number of days. My friend nicely said that she had plans made that week and has not made much effort recently for B.

She told me that both A and B have to start making more of an effort for her because otherwise she won't be there when they need her again. My friend said I am at an age that I want a few friends who are willing to meet up with me and support me when I need a friend. I know that everyone is busy now but if can can find the time for them they can do the same for me.

I think they have stopped thinking that money matters to you and so it doesn't matter how much they take from you. If you want to see if it is worth remaining friends, be less generous. Low key meet ups. Maybe one to ones. Evaluate the friendships when you strip things down to whether you still like each other when little money is being spent.

I don’t blame you for feeling resentful OP.
Do not feel guilty for being angry about this. I’d be taking a step back from all these friends I think.

Wow, these people are not friends. They are users. Get rid.

One of the main things is I think
Is that there is a difference between friendships and friendship groups.

Not everyone in a friendship group is necessarily in a friendship with each other. Sometimes they are, not always.

With this group I think you are seeing who is your friend.

Let the friendship group dwindle and keep the friends if you can.

They think you're rich and they're taking your generosity for granted.

I'm from a very poor background and always hung around with others who didn't have any money. Then one day I met a doctor - my now DH. Suddenly some people's attitude to me changed.

Those friends I had were all very loyal and caring. They would have given me their last fiver, shared their chips, shouted me a cigarette etc. We all helped each other out. But once I started seeing DH there were a few people in that group who completely stopped doing this. Suddenly they were expecting me to buy them drinks, never offered me anything, and before I knew it, some had stopped even bothering to thank me for things I was paying for.

They had started to see me as "rich" and felt they were entitled to some of that. They didn't even think to reciprocate in any way.

People like that will not change, OP. The damage to the friendship has already been done.

I would ditch them.

I'm so sorry about your friend's OP. I agree with others that it's time to reevaluate.

On a technical point of the meal out, I take issue with those blaming the OP for letting friends get away with greedy ordering. I once took my team (people I supervised) out for a meal and treated them because two were leaving and we'd had a hard run at work. They knew it was me treating. When I settled up the bill afterwards I noticed it was much larger than I expected. Some people had ordered whole extra meals to take home in doggy bags. It was too late to figure out who had done it but I never took them out again and told them why.

A few of my friends said, "I would not have allowed it!" but no, when you're treating someone to a meal you're not going to sit there monitoring what they order. You expect reciprocal graciousness. It's really humiliating when that gets taken advantage of.

We used to have a much larger disposable income than now and became the wealthy couple within a large group of ‘friends’. They were dh’s friends really, not mine. Rude, took advantage of our hospitality, thought nothing of treating our home appallingly or damaging our property. Party animals, who didn’t grow up. Okish in your 20s, increasingly wearing in your 30s. I was also treated like a maid. I think the worst for me was one guy, who threw 2 used condoms directly in the bathroom bin after a hook up (had a partner and kids at home). Environmentally conscious me had forgotten to line it with a plastic bag.

One couple lived close by and would randomly arrive (empty handed) and we’d wine, dine them etc - we would toddle off and get a very expensive cut of meat and raid the wine cellar. One person in the group only ever brought a tiny present, just once, several didn’t even bring a bottle to the parties. There was a final straw incident and I got very very upset and rather than this particular person apologising to me, the group turned on me. Someone else, who had been at the last party later divulged to me he’d overheard me being slagged off by one of the group members in my home. Until this point, dh ignored the warnings, made endless excuses even though he later admitted they were leeches but enjoyed the company too much.

It totally, totally would not surprise me if these women had a celebration all of their own without you. The Italy trip was your birthday contribution and you should not have agreed to pay. It should have been we all pay our way at most and really they should have paid their share or for the booze at the very least. Bet you’d have suddenly got tumbleweed had you not agreed to sub them all. Dh told me sometime after we were no longer in contact with these ‘friends’ that he had once tried to sort out a surprise birthday party with this particular group. Tumbleweed. Even from the one, who lived close by.

It sounds as though it may be salvageable with one of this group. You’ll have to see. You’re a similar age to me when I had my watershed moment. I am a people pleaser. I ignored the warning signs really because I didn’t value myself enough. Then I finally realised the women in the group really disliked me, were incredibly jealous of me, wanted rid of me and would gladly have hooked dh up with one of the single females.

The money thing is solvable by just not paying for them in future. The question is: do you actually like hanging out with them
anyway?

It sounds like they are getting used to you organising and funding events and some are taking that for granted. Playing Devil’s advocate, I am pretty rubbish at being organised enough to get thoughtful gifts for friends and would rather not bother with presents at all (to or from friends). On the other hand I absolutely always pay my way and would expect to cover the cost of a birthday friend’s celebration meal (rather than friend paying). It sounds like the dynamic has got really out. I can see why you’re hurt but can you salvage the friendships by, say, having another get together where it is very clear that the cost will be shared? Or if you feel like it’s the end of the road with some of these friends as you’re just too hurt, can you speak to them, ideally in person, to explain why you’re hurt? There’s nothing to lose really

You mix in v different circles to me, OP!
I'm guessing if your husband could afford to pay for you and your mates to go on holiday you're not doing too badly!
Perhaps they just think you're rich and can afford to pay.
As for the whole gift scenario it all sounds a bit petty. We sometimes remember each other's birthdays sometimes we don't, we're busy people with work and families but none of us would ever hold a grudge about a forgotten gift. That's not what true friendship is all about.

Seriously @shrunkenhead? You think that being well-off means that you should just accept being used for what you can provide, rather than valued for who you are? I get the impression from the op that it's the complete lack of acknowledgement/recognition of her possible feelings that's the issue here. I'm also willing to bet that op would have been quite happy to have been given small, cheap but thoughtful presents, rather than lies about oh it's in the post.