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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a bonkers idea - possibly leaving my family at Christmas to go to an adult child

196 replies

Comefromaway · 14/12/2021 14:00

Dd is a student. She had a dreadful 2020-2021 (she has autism) but since starting her new course is much better. She has a part time job in her university city and had to choose between booking time off before of after Christmas so she chose before. The plan was her shift will finish at 5pm Christmas Eve then she will drive home arriving around 11pm.

But covid is going mad down there. Her course went online due to so many coming down with it. She travels each day on packed public transport. She is public facing. Today her workplace had to close because too many people are ill. She is very likely to catch it (she is vaccinated and caught it last summer but even so).

I do NOT want dd to spend Christms alone in one room. I have discovered that for £50 I can book a Premier Inn 10 mins walk from her house (she has a room in a shared house). WIBU to book it and if she tests positive travel down to be able to see her on Christmas Day. I'd be leaving dh and ds back home. They can't come as dh has to be there for his elderly father who is facing the first xmas without mil at home.

The Premier Inn can be cancelled with no charge up to 12 noon on the day.

OP posts:
Londoncallingme · 15/12/2021 17:42

Morally it would put more people at risk for a covid positive person to drive 180 miles (she would need to take a couple of rest stops at a service station) than for me a covid negative person to travel down to her and enter her house

But then you have risked being infected and travelling back - no difference.

Overthinkingx3 · 15/12/2021 18:10

Sounds like you have weighed it all carefully
I think it makes sense to go down

I think there’s no right and wrong in balancing needs as a mum - but you have to be there for the one who needs you most . Dh is an adult and wants to be there for ds and fil, whose needs will therefore be met . DD may be adult - but that makes her no less vulnerable , and you won’t enjoy ignoring her . Do it !

gogohm · 15/12/2021 18:14

To be honest I just fetched my dd from university because her halls have locked down. If her work is cancelled can't she just come home and stay in her bedroom like my dd is

gogohm · 15/12/2021 18:15

She's autistic and not allowed to drive

Norman2021 · 15/12/2021 18:39

I don't understand why you have if it is a bonkers idea but completely dismissed anyones suggestions as to why it might be?
If you catch covid from her then you will also need to isolate, which would mean driving home from the hotel would be illegal.
I understand your situation completely, but your daughter is better of at home with you, where if you all need to isolate together you can

Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 18:40

@gogohm

She's autistic and not allowed to drive
Are you joking?
evian76 · 15/12/2021 18:43

Do it! What a fab Mum you are ❤️

Frenchfancy · 15/12/2021 18:49

Definitely do it. She will never forget. I think people underestimate what a difference a supportive parent can be to a young adult, particularly one with MH issues. I would break any law necessary if I thought it would keep my DD from dropping back into depression.

Whatamess582 · 15/12/2021 19:27

I would do that for a child who wasn’t autistic and depressed, so I would definitely say go. She will need her mum. Christmas (and I don’t like Christmas) has a way of making a normal day seem sooooooo important that what would have just been a day in her own could feel like the end of the world. If she is depressed, the effect, on top of the last few years and the reasons for being on antidepressants could be really impactful. She will love having you there and your son will have his father and grandfather. Do it. That’s what the real message of Christmas is all about. Being there for people in need. You are the innkeeper.

TractorAndHeadphones · 15/12/2021 19:29

Why would you think this idea is bonkers?

waitingpatientlyforspring · 15/12/2021 19:30

If she has it she has to isolate so you can't see her. It sounds a barmy idea imo.

ginforever · 15/12/2021 19:37

Don’t feel guilty OP and do what your heart tells you. It’s been an awful year for everyone and we all deserve to be and do what we feel is the right think to do this year.
I am leaving my partner and young son - who are going away to his mother’s house for Christmas and my eldest alone home so I can go to France and stay with my sister who will also be alone as her partner is going away to be with his family…. No grudges. We all suffered losses this year and we just want to be in different places and everyone respects each other’s decisions… this is the plan unless bloody Prime minister decided to ruin it al :(
i really hope it doesn’t happen.
Good luck on whatever you decide :)

Hertsgirl10 · 15/12/2021 19:37

If her uni and work are closed why can’t she just come up now? Iv not read it all so I’m sorry if this has been covered.

Notmrsfitz · 15/12/2021 19:38

It seems to me that everyone has an opinion and we are all entitled to one - but what should happen and what actually does is not always the same thing hence the debacle at number 10 at Christmas.
You know your family,their needs and their quirks - it appears to me as a fellow mum and a reasonable adult that the risks of your daughter getting it are limited and of course with her needs aside you don’t want her to be alone on Christmas Day so in all fairness I think that if I were in your position that is what I’d do too - and then potentially have to test each day myself when I got home.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 15/12/2021 19:45

I would not hesitate to do what you are suggesting.

Hertsgirl10 · 15/12/2021 19:48

Sorry I read through your replies, I would definitely book the hotel but stick with the original plan and ask her to do lateral flows every day.

If she’s double vax And had it already I doubt she’s likely to get it again but who knows at this point.

BlackCatz · 15/12/2021 19:50

@waitingpatientlyforspring

If she has it she has to isolate so you can't see her. It sounds a barmy idea imo.
Why can't she see her?
niugboo · 15/12/2021 19:54

Say you go visit, catch it and die? How would she feel?

Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 20:02

@niugboo

Say you go visit, catch it and die? How would she feel?
Anyone else burst in to laughter at this?!
greenlynx · 15/12/2021 20:02

Just saw this thread and I hope OP that you won’t need it but that you’ve booked premier inn or whatever just in case. Your plan sounds sensible and thoughtful. Some people who are commenting about rights and wrongs just don’t understand about having a child with additional needs.
I wouldn’t leave my daughter with additional needs on her own at Christmas even without being unwell. It’s just too much for one person. She has got enough challenges in her everyday life already.

Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 20:03

@greenlynx

I wouldn’t leave my daughter alone over Christmas. She doesn’t have any additional needs AND she’s not unwell

BlackCatz · 15/12/2021 20:04

Anyone else burst in to laughter at this?!

Just absolutely ridiculous, isn't it.

Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 20:15

Where does one begin?!

Valeriekat · 15/12/2021 20:18

Of course you must go and see her. It is what I would do.
Better to have 2 children with 1 parent each than 1 child with no parents!

It wouldn't be the same Christmas anyway without DD so I am sure your son will understand.

Have a lovely day with your daughter!

MrsLighthouse · 15/12/2021 20:27

I would definitely do it. In a heartbeat. An autistic daughter would come first for me every single time . It’s very hard to want to stick to the rules when the powers that be certainly don’t !!!

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