To want to become a single mother by choice?

[Eversograteful]

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

• I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
• I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
• I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

• I could parent the way that I want
• I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
• I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
• I get to make parenting decisions by myself

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

I definitely don't agree/relate to some of your ideas... Why would your entire identity be deleted?? I use both my original surname and my husbands surname interchangeably since we got married. Has my identity been changed??

Amused that you feel you would sleep better as a single parent though.

It would also be nice to have a baby without someone pestering me for sex afterwards and making me feel guilty when I’m not ready for it.

Or generally being married and forced to complete sexual acts that I don’t want to. Basically, I just view marriage as something that takes away my liberty and forces me into being someone I don’t want to be and doing things that I don’t want to do to make other people happy - but not myself.

You are conflating two different things- getting married and your potential child having a father.

All things considered, it is better to have a father than not. The more people who love a child the better. Being married is irrelevant. Being a single parent is very difficult and a support of a loving partner helps make you a better parent, who can be more resilient to the challenges of parenting.

I wouldn't actively choose to become a single parent unless you had no other choice, perhaps due to age. You'd be setting your child and yourself up for a more difficult ride than needed.

Also, some of your views on marriage are very outdated. No-one has to take the man's name, become a Mrs or spend £20k. The main reason to get married is if you want to have rights should you become the lower earner due to child rearing.

I was smiling when you mentioned being rested and relaxed during the baby stage, you'll be a rarity if you are, partner or not!

It's entirely up to you if you want to be a single parent, but don't kid yourself that it'll be easy, none of the single parents I know say that. A couple of my friends became single parents through choice (one used a donor, the other adopted) and have often needed family and friends to help them out. It's doable, of course, but not an easy option and you should never assume that grandparents, for example, can or will be willing to help you out.

@Anotherdayanotherdollar

I definitely don't agree/relate to some of your ideas... Why would your entire identity be deleted?? I use both my original surname and my husbands surname interchangeably since we got married. Has my identity been changed??

Amused that you feel you would sleep better as a single parent though.

Lol, I explained what I meant by sleep better in post #3

I meant without someone making me have sex with them straight after I had a baby. I’ve seen some women talk about this happen (although I am aware not every man does that but enough do to make it a thing)

@Eversograteful

It would also be nice to have a baby without someone pestering me for sex afterwards and making me feel guilty when I’m not ready for it.

Or generally being married and forced to complete sexual acts that I don’t want to. Basically, I just view marriage as something that takes away my liberty and forces me into being someone I don’t want to be and doing things that I don’t want to do to make other people happy - but not myself.

If marriage is like this then its not the right one. Absolutely nought wrong with never getting married and actively choosing that, but seems a very jaded and extreme view of marriage.

I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage

Not had a baby yet… you may come to realise how naive that statement is.

Your post comes across very judgemental. It’s fine for you to not want to get married. Many other women have babies and get married without feeling their sexuality or identity are controlled. It’s called a healthy marriage. Rather than worrying about pressing your views on others just carry on doing what feels right for you. But good luck feeling rested and relaxed as a single parent to a newborn…

@Eversograteful

It would also be nice to have a baby without someone pestering me for sex afterwards and making me feel guilty when I’m not ready for it.

Or generally being married and forced to complete sexual acts that I don’t want to. Basically, I just view marriage as something that takes away my liberty and forces me into being someone I don’t want to be and doing things that I don’t want to do to make other people happy - but not myself.

What you're describing is an abusive marriage. If you're worried about that happening you should seek counselling and read up on relationships and boundaries and how to spot red flags in relationships. You are 100% right that you shouldn’t put up with an abusive partner and actively seeking a caring, supportive man instead.

I mean there's a lot more to think about being a single parent, what if you needed a emergency c section?, childcare costs, school holidays, sick days, god forbid what if you have a child who is disabled and needs more care? I mean if you have a good support system then they can act as a good "stand in" then I imagine it would be fine.

I find your views on marriage a bit out dated, I'm married and my life isn't anything like that, yes I'm Mrs but I still very much have my own identity and my husband didn't pester me for sex after I had my ds, it kinda sounds like you don't want to be married to the wrong man which fair enough.

You do you though, there's no right or wrong answer but I 100% wouldn't choose to be a single parent especially in those early days.

Leaving aside some of your slightly odd ideas about marriage it is absolutely fine to be single for life if that works better for you.

Your dc needs to have what is best for them. Your focus needs to be about them and not you. You may find that isn't always what you would choose.

I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage

Bahahahahaaaa!!
I really hope if you do have a baby that you have a one that sleeps and allows this.
I was on my knees with my baby with sleep deprivation for the first 8 months. I would have been utterly lost without my DH. Admittedly we don’t have any family support around us as my family lives overseas and his are in a different state.
You didn’t mention in your OP about what sort of a support system you have and whether you have family near that could help out. Bear that in mind.

@DropYourSword

I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage

Bahahahahaaaa!!
I really hope if you do have a baby that you have a one that sleeps and allows this.
I was on my knees with my baby with sleep deprivation for the first 8 months. I would have been utterly lost without my DH. Admittedly we don’t have any family support around us as my family lives overseas and his are in a different state.
You didn’t mention in your OP about what sort of a support system you have and whether you have family near that could help out. Bear that in mind.

I have some family support nearby, but mainly I was planning on relying on nursery and crèche to care for my child while I’m at work (?).

Good luck with that then !.

I can only comment from my experience but my son had silent reflux and I averaged about 3 hours broken sleep a night for the first 8 months. Month 9 I hit the heady heights of 4-5 hours. I had planned to take a year off for maternity leave anyway but I would not have been fit or able to work in that first year - I would have been bloody dangerous!

What you are describing are abusive relationships, that's definitely not how most relationships go. And you can have long term relationship and babies without getting married. Your whole vision is quite distorted and off which makes me think you're not ready to be a parent.

If you said: "I haven't found the right person and I don't want to wait longer", I'd understand. But to call all men abusive sex pests is disturbed.

Gosh there is some unpicking here!

The family unit (a healthy one) is important, you don't have to be married to have Children also don't marry a sex pest.

Of course some become single parents by choice, it's not easy, your comments link to those where being a single parent is better than having an abusive or draining partner.

Being alone with a baby can be bloody awful

I am a single mum by choice to 2 children. If that's what you want to do then go for it. Although I feel the marriage thing and wanting kids are two separate issues. You can marry or be in relationship with someone whose views align with yours, you don't have to do the things you don't want to.

One of the things I enjoy about motherhood is making decisions on my own and not consulting anyone. One of the things I dont like is not sleeping as I used as I have 2 month old and 3 year old toddler! I made my decision quite early (30) and I do not regret it at all. Good luck! Oh and my family support is shit! But we cope just fine and have made friends along the way.

You have some interesting views on what marriage is like… every marriage/relationship is different and a good one does not involve being forced into sex or anything else.

However if you want to be a single parent that’s your choice. Have you got good family support? You must realise being a mother is incredibly difficult both physically and mentally and you will need support at times plus your DC will benefit from an extended family.
I really don’t think many parents would choose to do the whole thing alone unless they have the support of good family and friends. It’s naive to think you can do everything yourself.

Not to sound patronising but it just sounds like you haven’t met the right person!

My DH is caring, considerate, I’m in very late pregnancy and he is doing all cooking and cleaning whilst I nap and read. I didn’t change my name when I married and baby will have my last name. DH is my best friend. He has never pestered me for sex in his life!

I can’t imagine doing this (having a baby) without a partner tbh- kudos to those that do but baby isn’t even here yet and I’m so glad to have been so supported. It’s not just practical- you need to have people to give you emotional support too.

I was very lucky with DS. You might be too

What I suggest you do, is sleep for 20 minutes at a time every 3-4 hours for about 3 weeks, while holding down a job and that was my best friend for 2-3 years and her partner is a very hands on father.

Its all very well to say you will rely on nursery, but they are not there at 3am, when you have had no sleep and crying.

Of course it is possible, women have done it, but you will need emotional support. I think you have a rose tinted view of what its like to have kids and they certainly don't work to anyones schedule but their own.

It makes me laugh that so many posters are jumping on to say “my DH is wonderful, you just haven’t met the right man” when Mumsnet is littered with tales of DHs doing all the rubbish things that OP cites.

OP, if you can find the right man, motherhood will be easier but if you find a not so good one, it will be immeasurably shittier. I was a single mother with a reasonably good family support system and whilst it hasn’t been a walk in the park (teenage years have been tough) I’ve been much happier than I think I would have been with DS father.

Problem is, how will you find a man to give you his seed and scarper? You might get into a shitty situation...

Want to say just try get insurance for if you get ill cos well educated doesn't stop all disabilities. Is important whether you have children or not especially if single cos life expensive if single and hard surviving financially if you disabled.

@PlasticPlantsDontDie

It makes me laugh that so many posters are jumping on to say “my DH is wonderful, you just haven’t met the right man” when Mumsnet is littered with tales of DHs doing all the rubbish things that OP cites.

OP, if you can find the right man, motherhood will be easier but if you find a not so good one, it will be immeasurably shittier. I was a single mother with a reasonably good family support system and whilst it hasn’t been a walk in the park (teenage years have been tough) I’ve been much happier than I think I would have been with DS father.

Problem is, how will you find a man to give you his seed and scarper? You might get into a shitty situation...

Yes and normally those with DH’s who do all the things OP cites have ignored the red flag parade preceding and excused their husbands misogyny lite as just being traditional…

As someone on the other side of experience of an appalling awful marriage - all your positive arguments in favour of being a single mother by choice really resonate with me. And that is with the good fortune of 2 happy and easygoing children.

I would say however don’t underestimate how difficult the baby and toddler years are. With sleepnessness and the relentlessness of ‘caring’ duties which are 24 hours, 7 days a week - at least for the first 3-5 years straight.

It is easier to share the parenting load with logistics and running around. But if you have a plan / strategy regarding how to manage this on your own, that’s important. And as you have highlighted a very good many men are not prepared to share the parenting load in which case you would be doing it all yourself anyway.

If the timing is right, and you would like a family, I say go for it!

@PlasticPlantsDontDie

It makes me laugh that so many posters are jumping on to say “my DH is wonderful, you just haven’t met the right man” when Mumsnet is littered with tales of DHs doing all the rubbish things that OP cites.

OP, if you can find the right man, motherhood will be easier but if you find a not so good one, it will be immeasurably shittier. I was a single mother with a reasonably good family support system and whilst it hasn’t been a walk in the park (teenage years have been tough) I’ve been much happier than I think I would have been with DS father.

Problem is, how will you find a man to give you his seed and scarper? You might get into a shitty situation...

Just to expand- at my NCT group DH and I were both stunned by the attitudes of the men going on about how they wouldn’t miss stag dos and they would hand the baby to mum for all nappy changes hahaha Their partners sat there chuckling! Don’t accept the ‘boys will be boys’ narrative from grown men when picking a partner- it’s beyond me why women facilitate this ‘humour’ and then are surprised when they discover they are selfish, useless husbands and fathers.