To want to become a single mother by choice?

[Eversograteful]

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

• I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
• I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
• I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

• I could parent the way that I want
• I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
• I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
• I get to make parenting decisions by myself

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

For someone so well educated, you have the maturity level of a 3 year old. You're also wrong a lot.

Don't have kids until you've fixed both issues. You'll just end up with brats otherwise and no one will be friends with them.

There’s nothing I wouldn’t be happy to do for my own children

I mean you say that, but when they're crying at 3 in the morning and you aren't sure just what they want, it's bloody challenging- as is your entire life changing to accommodate and look after this little person. I don't think the fact they are your children will as much of a silver bullet as you seem to be assuming.

OP you should have posted this asking just single parents. Or in the lone parent section.

As a single mum myself the best advice is from other women who walk this path except you are only engaging with those who are coparents (although everyone is entitled to their opinion)

What you need is some clear practical advice on parenting alone which hundreds of us can give you.

I used to think like you, but I'm autistic and didn't really want a relationship.

@Eversograteful

It would also be nice to have a baby without someone pestering me for sex afterwards and making me feel guilty when I’m not ready for it.

Or generally being married and forced to complete sexual acts that I don’t want to. Basically, I just view marriage as something that takes away my liberty and forces me into being someone I don’t want to be and doing things that I don’t want to do to make other people happy - but not myself.

Your original OP and this give an insight into the sort of men you have met.

What you are describing is not a healthy marriage. It isnt what women like me have.

I have a career, am the main earner, and do not need to be married.

However, I have a loving husband and wanted us both to be protected by marriage.

We didnt spend 20k on a wedding - our savings went to our house deposit and we had a very cheap wedding. We both took each other's last name. He never pesters me or tries to coerce me into sex. Never ever has. And I dont him. I don't have to o anything just to make him happy and vice versa. We may choose to do things for eachother but freely.

In terms of having a child, we both took the same amount of leave and we both take responsibility for our child. We alternate bedtimes and mornings so that we each get some time to rest alone. We share chores - though whoever has a bit more time may do more when they do. When our child was a baby we split feeds and gave eachother time to rest.

It is actually possible to have a partnership - whether or not married. And your idea you would sleep more with a baby as a single mother is very questionable. Even if your husband did nothing, you'd sleep the same if he wasnt a sexist asshole pressuring for sex (which no man I have been with has done). And actually you would sleep better if you had a decent partner as they would share the load.

I should be clear, I've no issue at all with anyone choosing to be a single mum if it is right for them and I know people who have found it better than parenting with the father in the home - but where the relationship was poor and he wasnt hands on. They then have had to tackle contact which is a big nightmare for them but that would not be an issue if you had a donor. So it's up to you. The only thing I think you need to correct is your view that all husbands are the way you describe as you're simply wrong.