To want to become a single mother by choice?

[Eversograteful]

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

• I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
• I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
• I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

• I could parent the way that I want
• I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
• I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
• I get to make parenting decisions by myself

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

Or you could take care to fall in love with a man who is kind, gentle, generous, loving, hard-working and fun? There's not one type out there. I wouldn't have married or chosen to have kids with an abusive, lazy, sex-nagging, chauvinist like you described either.

Did something happen to colour or limit your view on men and fathers?

Yeah you can use a childminder or nursery for when you are at work but when DC has the come down with the fifth bug of the month and the childminder/nursery won't take them and you have already used up your carers leave and annual leave on all of the other illnesses you might find yourself in a difficult situation.

Fwiw OP I'm married, the higher earner of both of us and have never been 'pestered' for sex.

Your plan sounds fine because its something plenty of women do, whether it be out of choice or necessity but don't pretend you will be magically rested without a man around. You have been reading waaaay too much Mumsnet if you think its husbands that make Mums exhausted. Children do a pretty good fucking job of it all on their own.

Parenthood is amazing but it is relentlessly tiring and frankly you are pissing me off to somehow suggest that the PND I suffered due to sheer exhaustion with my second non sleeper of a baby would have been magically better if I wasn't married to the husband who single handedly looked after my eldest DC along with doing everything around the house while I was suffering.

I think you might have a slightly unrealistic view of what being a single parent would actually be like. It's really very unlikely you would feel "rested and relaxed" during the baby stage.

I also feel like what you are actually saying is that you don't want to be with a specific type of man that will take ownership of your life, ignore your wishes, and pester you for sex. Marriage and men are not always what you suggest they are - I think you have a somewhat pessimistic view of it all to be honest and haven't met the right person.

It's really a lot better for a child to have two parents than one.

What you mean is without a partner surely - not sure why the emphasis on marriage for most of it as much of your list merely applies to having a partner. Are you mostly saying you don't wish to be in a relationship with a man? Judging by the mumsnet threads there are plenty men that badger their tired partners for sex children or no children (they are usually told to ltb)

On the other hand I know 2 very happy single by choice parents. One used a sperm donor and the other adopted. Neither have family support locally so do it completely on their own and don't regret it

Funny that I Just came off another thread where the husband does fuck all. I'm married myself and I agree with all your points. Tbh, yes it does depend on the man but then they all get comfortable after a while and become the 'Mumsnet's LTB' type of man. Marriage is hard work, being a single mum is hard work, being a parent is hard work. I think being a parent is the hardest part which affects the marriage the most in my experience anyway. If it was just me and husband only, we would be content minus the "pick your socks up" arguments.

I meant without someone making me have sex with them straight after I had a baby. I’ve seen some women talk about this happen (although I am aware not every man does that but enough do to make it a thing)

You are magnifying and catastrophising on things that have not actually happened to you.

I get that you're trying to protect yourself, but it just seems no way to live to be so worried about something that actually hasn't happened and you have no reason to think it will.

Obviously, nobody wants to be married to someone who is unpleasant in all the ways you described. But I don't know why you are assuming that this would be the case, to the extent that it's actually making you want to become a single parent (something that involves, by all accounts, quite a lot of hardship and generally results in worse outcomes for children).

It's like you haven't even considered that you could possibly have a good relationship with a child's father.

Tbh, yes it does depend on the man but then they all get comfortable after a while and become the 'Mumsnet's LTB' type of man

I've been with my DH for 12 years and we have two kids. He hasn't at all became that type of man and I doubt he will, but then I don't run around after him like so many stupid women do for their partners.

I think you have some strange ideas about marriage. Where do they come from?
You don't have to change your name. You don't have to become a mrs. You don't have to have a big expensive wedding. Also - you get to choose who you marry! So if you don't marry an arsehole then you won't have one who pesters you for sex straight after birth.

"Being a single parent is very difficult and a support of a loving partner helps make you a better parent, who can be more resilient to the challenges of parenting"

Er, yes...being a single parent is difficult.... but having a partner doesn't make you a better parent ...!

I have 2 kids and am now a single parent and actually the sleep thing resonates. My ex wasn't abusive at all but he was fucking useless at a lot of the early stages of parenting. I did 99% of the night wakings and the 1% I didn't do was not worth it due to the amount of moaning and the hours (days) of sleep my DP "required" to make up for it.

I have long thought that a third baby would be easier because now I'm on my own I can just get on with it without feeling let down or trying to force someone to step up. Much like most of single parenting.

It's not a popular view on mumsnet, where marriage is all, but I love single parenting and my mental health improved immeasurably once I stopped having to put up with another adult in my life. I should add however, that my DC see their Dad regularly and have a good relationship with him and therefore I get a break from parenting 2 nights a week. I think this is important! Single parenting 100% on your own would be a hard slog.

I'm not married (for a number of reasons but namely because it never meant enough to me but also for protection financially) -but I don't think a lot of the points - change of name, identity etc are necessarily part of marriage
Although I can see some of the validity in some of your parenting point i do think that you are missing on how nice it is to share parenting with someone - it's someone who loves your child like you do - no-one else is going to do this and it does mean you have someone to share the pleasures and pains of that child OK by not having a partner/father around you are reducing the likelihood of having someone who is crap at this but removing the upside

I’m voting YABU simply because all your reasons are about you and want would suit you.

When a baby is born, it’s about what is right and good for the baby. That’s the sacrifice you make. I truly believe it’s better to have two parents. I don’t actually think it’s better to have a dad as well, because there are lots of happy families with two mums or two dads, but I think having two parents that play off each other is the ideal.

That is NOT to disrespect in any way the wonderful single parents I know of. Most I know do a fucking AMAZING job and are the absolute world to their kids. But most would also concede that certain things would be easier and better with a decent good partner. Single parenthood is definitely 100% preferable to parents in a shitty or abusive relationship, so I think you’re right in that respect, but I think you have the wrong idea of how many me are like the idea of a men you portray. People talk about those type of men because they need help and advice. But if your partner isn’t for example pestering you for sex, you wouldn’t write a post about it or mention it to a friend would you?! A lot of fathers aren’t perfect, but are good and have good intentions, just like most mothers.

Also, no one, ever, was 'rested' during the baby stage.
I think you'll find that single mum's have it hard as they don't have a partner to take over for a few hours in the night while they sleep.

You have sone very odd ideas about marriage. How old are you? Have you had many long term relationships?
Would you say your parents had a loving marriage and were a good mum and dad?

...you seem quite angry in your posts and a bit of a man hater. I hope you can find a way to overcome this as it must be quite miserable to have such low ideas of men.

relying on a nursery/childcare while you work is all fun and games until the baby arrives and you realise you don’t feel ready to go back because you want to stay home with your baby. happened to me and nearly every mum in my baby group.

also sleep is not linear, my 8 month old barely sleeps and i could not cope without my partner taking her in the morning to let me rest

I think it’s not unreasonable to have a child if you can take care of them well even if you are a single parent.

I also think you could come up with a pros and con list but I don’t find yours persuasive.

You don’t need to spend a fortune on a wedding. I’m having one for less than £1k. You could just go to a registry in your jeans. No requirement to spend lots. Also no requirement to take someone’s name.

Also this I find bizarre “ I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues “
I’m not sure how a single parent gets more sleep. My husband stayed up all night with our crying baby our first night home and I went to bed. I would be much more sleep deprived without him. Also not all relationships are troubled though I do see that if it’s bad a baby will make it worse.

Sounds like a lot of the problems you forsee with marriage/relationship would only happen if you choose to be with a dickhead. Especially that point about being pestered for sex just after you've had a baby - that sounds borderline abusive and I don't many women who would put up with that. It's certainly not something my DH ever did! He waited on me hand and foot throughout his paternity leave when we brought our baby home from the hospital. He was my physical and emotional support and the whole process was so much easier with him by my side. Sex wasn't even mentioned until I brought it up myself, when I was ready for it.

By all means, don't get married, don't even be in LTR, use a sperm donor, whatever you want - just please think carefully about whether or not this is actually what you want, and not just a knee jerk reaction to some bad experiences with specific people.

Rested and relaxed during baby stage?🤔🙄😂

To be honest I find anyone who deliberately creates a fatherless child (or motherless one) incredibly selfish. Just because you don't want or need a father for your child doesn't mean a child doesn't want or need a father

I'm similar to you - dreamed about children since young age, but never about marriage. I got married, because at that time I thought that was the right thing to do when you want children. Now I look back and wish I had your understanding of what you want/don't want then. Marriage is not for me and yes, institution feels creepingly oppressive. I would be a single mother by choice if could start over again. Wish every girl knew that it is a valid possibility. (If you safely co-sleep with baby, sleep is not so interrupted. I slept with my babies, husband in other room - everyone got their rest. And as a single mother on maternity leave you can sleep during the day or have lay-ins. Nobody will ask - what's for dinner? Why the house is messy? Just you and your baby. Of course single mothers need help from family, friends, paid carers - it's only natural. They can be better help than uninterested dad)

I'm a financially independent single mum. My DD is 12 now.

What I would say to you is it can be lonely when they are very little but it's a short phase.

There are many benefits though, and most moans from my friends are about their DH. You only have to see the relationship section to figure out why! I did have a live in nanny until she went to secondary school because of work/travel. If you can afford to do that I would.

Stats show women are happier not married and without kids.

I do have a partner now for the last 3 years but we don't live together and that's how it's going to stay

You can be rested and relaxed - nothing funny. If child don't have medical issues, breastfeeding works and you co-sleep - very realistic. We usually just do babystage wrong :)

Well you don't wed to get married if you don't want to. But one day that child would like to know who their father is( where they come from) don't we all? And newborns can feed hourly during the first few months that includes multiple nappy changes how are you going to be 'rested and relaxed'. do o your research properly I suggest you spend a month with a new mother and learn from there.

There's pros and cons to being a single mother. It can be really relentless OP and not having someone to check certain decisions and gaining an opionion is something I would of liked during hard times. Especially for major things like picking your child's school or there being an emergency and being able to reply on your child's father to do the pick up. Then there's other days... which are easier but really I do not envy any single mother overall tbh!