To want to become a single mother by choice?

[Eversograteful]

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

• I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
• I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
• I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

• I could parent the way that I want
• I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
• I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
• I get to make parenting decisions by myself

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

@Sparechange

Oh OP, when you’re in a hole, stop digging!

You are sounding more childish and immature each time you post

Your ‘I know you are but what am I’ reply there is straight out of a primary playground 😂😂

Have a shred of dignity and stop now…

And your comment is SOOOOOO mature

Right?

Where is your dignity and maturity? You sound so childish yourself

@sundaydayisnotmyfundayday

I mean what do I know, I'm clearly not well educated as I am married and we rely on each other financially, emotionally and whatever else-ally. That's just the nature of our marriage.

I know I could do it alone and I'm sure you will be able to as you are so obviously the expert here. Good luck with it

You seem so offended because I’m well educated? As a woman I guess I shouldn’t be proud of my hard work and academic achievements, I should be prouder of having a husband and relying on him financially and emotionally. Oops. My bad.

@Eversograteful I am not hateful or bitter at all. I have health conditions so yes there are limits to how subservient I can be to my kids, I love taking care of my kids, I just can't do everything for them. I actually pointed out that the lifestyle you want is absolutely fine, but that your responses to people are telling me there are some deep-seated issues that are behind your choices that you may (or may not) want to look into for your own long term good. If it's hateful and bitter to essentially look out for someones well being by pointing out that there could be unhealthy causes to motives then I will happily be labeled so. There has been no hate, a laugh at some naivety on your part comparing babysitting to being a mother, and certainly not bitter. I love having someone to love and share my life with and wouldn't choose your lifestyle at all so nothing to be bitter about. I just see a lot of defensiveness and the need to justify yourself to others and there is a reason for that. I think I have struck a nerve since you are deflecting so carry on. Truth hurts sometimes.

I would only be concerned about the kids needing a male figure if you have one around you as friends/family I don’t see an issue with this

Do you usually respond to people by lashing out, the way you are doing here?

People are taking time to reply, explaining their own experiences, give the wisdom of what they’ve learned, how motherhood has proven them wrong or made them reevaluate assumptions and expectations

And all you can do is fling quite pathetic insults around

How many posters have you now called childish, immature, bitter, hateful etc

None of your posts have given any indication you have the sort of traits that will make you a great mum in any circumstances, let alone on your own

You seem to thrive on arguing and getting one over on people, being right and flinging insults

I’m not sure what you are getting from this thread, given how much you’re lashing out and how much the insults of other posters are escalating as the thread goes on

@SW1amp

Do you usually respond to people by lashing out, the way you are doing here?

People are taking time to reply, explaining their own experiences, give the wisdom of what they’ve learned, how motherhood has proven them wrong or made them reevaluate assumptions and expectations

And all you can do is fling quite pathetic insults around

How many posters have you now called childish, immature, bitter, hateful etc

None of your posts have given any indication you have the sort of traits that will make you a great mum in any circumstances, let alone on your own

You seem to thrive on arguing and getting one over on people, being right and flinging insults

I’m not sure what you are getting from this thread, given how much you’re lashing out and how much the insults of other posters are escalating as the thread goes on

Everything you’ve written to me is the definition of lashing out.

Agree with @Wagamamasforlunch about reading ‘The book you wish your parents had read’.

Ultimately when you have a child it is a relationship between you; and the blueprint you have formed from your own parenting and other relationships will affect how you relate to your child.

It isn’t all practical stuff or fun times- it’s tolerating frustration, it’s trying to compromise, and it’s teaching your child that process of co-operation and understanding too. How can you help them navigate that if you can’t do it yourself?

I don’t think this is about being an independent woman, or educated, or married at all. There are lots of different family set ups and experiences. However your dogged determination that you will
Not compromise for any adult in any manner is what is raising eyebrows.
Every relationship has compromise- meaning non-romantic relationships too- with parents, friends etc.

Everything you’ve written to me is the definition of lashing out.

You’re very good at satire, I’ll give you that

But I can’t believe anyone can be so dense as to read posts pointing out what a twat they look replying with primary school insults and then reply with a primary school insult to prove the pp wrong

So if it’s not a troll, it’s someone too dense to justify the data required to post any more

Teenage years look promising...

Op there's obviously iously alot of issues here.

You point out a comment someone saying they are happier as a single parent. You call say that it's a positive comment at last.

Except lots of us have said exactly that. That being a single parent is easier tha raising a child with a shit partner. That poster isn't comparing a good, equal relationship with being a single parent.

What you can't grasp is that your assumption all relationships or marriages are shit, is wrong. It's a categorical fact.

I am not married. Because of money. I have too much to loose and ne and dp prefer to keep our finances seperate. But that doesn't mean I think all marriages or joining of finances is bad.

Relationships and marriage can be equal and mutually beneficial. If you don't want to be in one, that's fine. But the point of view that women in a marriage or LTR have someone made themselves less than whole or less than they could be, is laughable and deeply misogynistic.

FYI, having emotional connections with people is not a bad thing. Having a financial partnership is not always a bad thing.

@SW1amp

Do you usually respond to people by lashing out, the way you are doing here?

People are taking time to reply, explaining their own experiences, give the wisdom of what they’ve learned, how motherhood has proven them wrong or made them reevaluate assumptions and expectations

And all you can do is fling quite pathetic insults around

How many posters have you now called childish, immature, bitter, hateful etc

None of your posts have given any indication you have the sort of traits that will make you a great mum in any circumstances, let alone on your own

You seem to thrive on arguing and getting one over on people, being right and flinging insults

I’m not sure what you are getting from this thread, given how much you’re lashing out and how much the insults of other posters are escalating as the thread goes on

I can also call you childish, immature, bitter and hateful. Does that mean anything to you?

None of your posts have given any indication you have the sort of traits that will make you a great mum in any circumstances, let alone on your own

This is what you most likely believe about yourself (and you’ve been desperate to try to convince me to see myself this way too). Maybe you can seek therapy to explore why you think this way about yourself.

As for everything else you’ve said lol, that literally describes you and the way you’re acting in this thread.

You seem to thrive on arguing and getting one over on people, being right and flinging insults

So you’re mad because I won’t tolerate people’s insults? Well, you’d have to stay angry

The same way any of what I've said demonstrated a low opinion of men.Strange that you’ve decided not to answer the question I asked you. So, how do you treat your daughter, particularly if she said she didn’t want to get married? Would you accuse her of hating men too then say she’ll probably abuse and mistreat her own son if she has one? Or are those words just saved up for me?

I have a low opinion of you (based on what you've said) not women so stop twisting things, you're not being clever you're coming across very desperate and stupid. I would be perfectly fine with a daughter of mine choosing not to marry, but I would help to reassure and support her if she was in the position where she thought marital rape was acceptable because I'd assume something had gone wrong somewhere either with my parenting or her experiences if she thought that were normal.

And you're putting words into my mouth I did not say you'd "abuse" a son, I asked how you would feel about having a son if you think they're such slaves to their sexual desires that they are incapable of respectful relationships with women. Would that bother you? Or would your son be special and different because maybe not all men are like that?

@SW1amp

Everything you’ve written to me is the definition of lashing out.

You’re very good at satire, I’ll give you that

But I can’t believe anyone can be so dense as to read posts pointing out what a twat they look replying with primary school insults and then reply with a primary school insult to prove the pp wrong

So if it’s not a troll, it’s someone too dense to justify the data required to post any more

The fact that you can actually read your own posts and not see that you’re the one lashing out is peculiar to me . This entire comment and all your comments in this thread have included nothing but name calling and personal insults and you telling me I need therapy!

Are you capable of having a discussion without calling people names or flinging insults? Because from every single one of your posts in this thread, I’m doubting that

Well none of this is filling me with confidence about your future suitability as a parent, I must say.

People are not lashing out at u they are telling you that ur strict views on marriage and children are not their reality and they are living examples of being married and having children, so they are examples of direct contradictios to ur opnions. They are disagreeing with what you perceive are to be true because they are not living in that reality that u insist is real. U have every right to not want to be married. What people are upset about is our real.life is somehow not what u think it is because u cannot accpet that maybe ur rigid views are maybe incorrect. Which is fine. Being wrong is ok its about accepting and trying to understand. But again Its not wrong for u personally not to want to get married

Do you not think it's significant that so many parents, including a number of single ones, think there's something wrong with the way you're approaching this?

In answer to ur question as a general thing single parents can of course raise their children and obviously they do. What i would be concerned about is u dont seem to want to have any form of relationship with any man friendship etc so that would concern me that as parents we decide what we teach to our children and ur views as mentioned are not nessassry reality so i would worry u would pass them on. I appreciate ur not going to like criticism but im not sure why u posted in first place as with a pulic forum it was obvious u would get wide range views some u would disagree with. As i said in earlier post i think the way ur seeing this , there is a clear reason why u think the way u do and if thats case it would be beneficial to explore that, i appreciate u may not want to, but how we are treated as children really determine how we are shaped as adults and we are responsible for raising our children and that includes their emotional as well as physical needs.

Your thinking is very black and white, are you autistic OP...?
In any case what can you offer a child?
The only thing you have mentioned is money.
Having children is 'selfish' but parenting is selfless. You put your kids' needs first. And they need love, care, attention.
You don't want to do any of that you just want what you want.

If you think MN questioning you is bad and react as angrily as you have a child challenging you will be much worse! Especially as they don't use logic, which you seem to like a lot.

@Eversograteful what do you want from this thread now?

You've ignored all helpful comments about becoming a single mother by choice and are just picking fights with people.

You're also ignoring every married person here who's telling you they aren't routinely raped by their husbands. Oh and in answer to one of your previous comments, for health reasons I couldn't have sex during either of my pregnancies. My husband managed to not pester me for sex during that time as well as post birth....

"could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage"

Hahahahahahahahaha ha! Sorry OP but I barely slept the first 4 years after having my first. I chucked my ex out when my son was 11 months old and did a lot on my own, back to work from 8 months, and it was so hard, so tiring, so truly exhausting.

You have the right to do as you wish but please do not under estimate the hard work that a baby.

Actually thinking about it DH and I didn't have sex during my pregnancy. It was such a non issue I had forgotten about it.

This is a really interesting first post. Welcome to mumsnet!

It is very interesting that it never even occurred to you that having relationship can enhance your life rather than burden it.. You also don't understand the difference between wanting to be with someone and needing to be with a man because of variety of reasons you think people have such as financial or whatever external pressure. I dread to think what ever happened in your past to create such views. All the people suggesting therapy are not trying to convert you.. It is generally a good advice to deal with past issues.

What strikes me is how angry/defensive these posts are. No one is trying to force you into a relationship OP, it's like you came on here expecting to fight to the death for your views?

Yes you can be a single parent, it's common and no one's stopping you. Are you projecting your insecurity about this plan onto the world/other posters?

I believe some schools have finished early for the Christmas break.