To want to become a single mother by choice?

[Eversograteful]

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

• I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
• I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
• I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

• I could parent the way that I want
• I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
• I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
• I get to make parenting decisions by myself

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

@SuPerDoPer

I have 2 kids and am now a single parent and actually the sleep thing resonates. My ex wasn't abusive at all but he was fucking useless at a lot of the early stages of parenting. I did 99% of the night wakings and the 1% I didn't do was not worth it due to the amount of moaning and the hours (days) of sleep my DP "required" to make up for it.

I have long thought that a third baby would be easier because now I'm on my own I can just get on with it without feeling let down or trying to force someone to step up. Much like most of single parenting.

It's not a popular view on mumsnet, where marriage is all, but I love single parenting and my mental health improved immeasurably once I stopped having to put up with another adult in my life. I should add however, that my DC see their Dad regularly and have a good relationship with him and therefore I get a break from parenting 2 nights a week. I think this is important! Single parenting 100% on your own would be a hard slog.

Single mum here and I agree. Parenting is hard, but its harder having a shit partner! I found things got easier when my ex left and my daughter was small. Regarding expectations, make sure you do your research and have a good idea what it's about, how much energy you have and how much you can cope with. It's not always cut and dried to be the ordeal that it's made out to be. It is physically extra work, but everyone's different and setting yourself up well with finances, a good location and support (either paid or not paid) can help. I will also say that being a single mum to an older child is actually an great position to be in. I'm really enjoying it!

Meant don't need to get married

As a mum, I think you may be underestimating the amount of support you'll need once the baby comes along, particularly to continue working.

Every time your child is ill (or if the pandemic continues, every time this means childcare isn't available) you'll have to take time off. Many nurseries require you to still pay if your child is off sick, but some workplaces only offer unpaid leave for sick dependents, so you'll possibly be paying out without being paid for those days.

Without friends or family who can help out, you'll also have to find somewhere for your child to go during the school hols, as annual leave for most people won't cover all of them.

Also, have you thought about whether you can afford to pay for a nursery/crèche while also paying your bills?

I know a couple of happy single mothers who are doing brilliantly but they both have parents who are able to help with the childcare.

Nothing you have written reflects my marriage but each to their own.

I dont want to get married and have been a single parent. I won't get married, due to being a high earner and looking after the kids financial interests.

It sounds like you don't like weddings and dont want to get married because of your view of marriage. You don't have to change your name, or go by Mrs or delete yourself. That's a poor marriage.

It also sounds like dont want to raise kids in a bad relationship. Which is reasonable.

The problem is that you think all marriages and all relationships are like that.

Being a single parent is hard. There were bits I enjoyed and it's easier than parenting with a shit partner.

That doesn't mean its easy and it definitely isn't easier than parenting with a good partner.

It took me ages to introduce dp to the kids, he eventually moved in and he is more of a dad to the kids than their own dad. Even though they were older when he moved in.

Parenting with him is so easy. Single parenting was easier in a lot of ways, than parenting with my ex. But given a choice i would parent with a decent Co parent, not single

You absolutely don’t have to be married to have a baby but your description of what marriage is like is not one I personally recognise.

God only knows what I would’ve done without mine. I had (two) horrible, horrible births that took me a long time to recover from, both mentally and physically. He is the one who picks them up from childcare, he does 95% of the sick days (and bloody hell there can be a lot!), he is an equal parent.

By all means consider having a baby by yourself but you seem to be underestimating how wonderful an equal partner and parent can be.

And to the PP who scoffed at being a better parent because they had a partner, I definitely am. I have someone to hand them over to when it all gets a bit much

Obviously YANBU but you have a really dim view of relationships. MN will help foster that because people tend to post when they need help or something is going wrong.

I married a lovely man who shares the load equally at home (in fact he does more childcare as he is definitely more paternal than I am maternal, I pick up slack in other ways), has never pressured me for sex, contributes the lions share of household finances and is my best friend. He brought me food and did all the household stuff when I was so sick with pregnancy I couldn't leave the bed, and does all the getting up when the toddler wakes at night to help me be on top form at work and catch up after maternity leave. He is my biggest cheerleader and coach, as I am for him, and we have both grown as people and in our careers loads thanks to each other. I'd just be lost without him.

Not everyone wants to marry, and that's fine, but not all marriages are shit. Having kids isn't easy but having someone who supports you and you can have a laugh with at 4am when the baby is up for the 857th time certainly helps.

Have you ever had a healthy relationship with a decent man who loves you and you him? Your views as to what marriage constitutes are quite odd.

You have a negative view of all men, this might be down to your experience with the men in your life but my husband would never dream of pestering me for sex ever, and certainly not after child birth. I found pregnancy hard going, it was much tougher than I anticipated. And my husband cooked what ever I wanted, did a late night run to the shop it I wanted something random. Basically pandered to my every need. Since our daughter has been born we've shared the load 50%, as we should. We are partners in every sense of the word. My dad was a hands on father too back in the 80s too. You have really outdated views of marriage too, I've kept my maiden name for a start.
Pregnancy can be hard, the newborn stage is even harder (I'm still in that so can't comment further). Being a mother has made me have utmost respect for single parents, it's bloody hard work even when sharing the load with a partner.
If you have a really supportive family to help then it'll make it a little easier but choosing to be a single mother wouldn't be something I'd choose to do unless I was older and couldn't picture life without a child.

marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion) Fair enough to have your own opinion
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name You don’t have to do this
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name Again, you don’t have to do this. Keep your own name
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that Get married first under £300 in a registry office with 2 witnesses off the street. No-one is forcing you to spend £20k
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity I don’t feel my identity has been deleted and I suspect you’ll be offending a lot of people on here with this assertion

You're away with the fairies

Parenting is fucking hard mate. I wouldn't have lasted on my own. Hats off to those that do it, but to choose that from the off? No chance.

Marriage is a legal contract that gives you certain protections. Your choice, obviously.

Got a feeling this is a wind up!

Goodness

Firstly that is not my experience of a marriage. I wouldn't want that either but I've been happily married for 20 years and not experienced what you've described.

Regardless of that, what's the plan for fathering the baby? Sperm bank? One night stand? Do you have any plans for the father to be involved? It seems a bit self centred - you want a baby on your terms but I couldn't see mention of the impact on the child of no father present? I totally get that it is possible to grow up happy with only one parent (my mum and uncle never saw their dad past the age of 5) but having been surrounded all my life by positive and hugely loving fathers (both living with and separately from the mothers) and looking at the deep relationship between my own children and their dad, it makes me a little sad your child won't be given that option to form that relationship.

I have a friend who chose to be a single mum (15 year relationship broke up when she was 39 after years of him saying they'd try for kids 'next year). She's very happy but it has been hard and she's the first to say it was not ideal and she'd never choose it as a first choice.

Do you honestly believe this is how every marriage works? I've NEVER been made to have sex, wasn't pressured after either child.

Do what you like! Become a single parent by choice but please stop being so judgemental!!!

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

This only applies if you’ve chosen an absolute shitbag to be your baby’s father. A decent husband/partner would enhance your experience of being a parent, not the other way round.

Father / husband or not, I think you need to be a bit more realistic about what having a child will be like. Nursery and crèche won't pick up the pieces for a lot of the things you will have to drop work to deal with.

Worst case (for us) my child is autistic and couldn't attend school for 2 years. Dh has had to give up work to be present for him as there is no child care that will accept a child like him (nor would it be appropriate). Many families with children with SEN experience the same. And you never know if your child will have SEN.

Any illness and you'll be called to collect them and they can't return. And they get sick a lot.

You need a plan A and the a plan b, c, d and e for all eventualities.

Dh was like Saoirse Dh when ours tiny and now girls are teens just as valuable being a team. You can confer as to where your boundaries are with them. Dh spent pretty much every evening the last 2 weeks doing gcse mock revision. Plus he’s great company would get so bored without another adult in the house to chat to. Can’t imagine choosing single parenthood if a good marriage was a possibility.

OP have you ever had a long term relationship? You sound very naïve. You don't need to be married to have a child. Why would you even chose to be in a relationship with someone who would treat you the way you talk about? However, having a child is better if you are cohabiting with a partner in a loving relationship. For you and the child.

How old are you? You appear quite young. Some of your arguments seem very weak. Women do not need to change their names when they marry. In some countries this has never happened anyway.

Yanbu if its what you want buy your plan is unrealistic - the two biggest flaw for me are...

i’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.
You need a better financial plan. I would suggest you save 18 months minimum
Reasons:

• cost of baby stuff, not and baby classes (my baby stuff is second hand bargains and it was still £1k for basics, classes etc will be more on top)
• mat leave

(no one I know who told their work they would take 6 months actually took 6 months, all took at least 9)

• childcare costs

(See below)

• risk of redundancy / breaks from work

(Read pregnant then screwed. Again at least 50% of my friends have been screwed by employers / made redundant etc while on Mar leave or with a small child. You need a buffer)

mainly I was planning on relying on nursery and crèche to care for my child while I’m at work (?).
You need to do more research here. They will not take a child with so much as a cold.
In my office all mothers give 3 months overlap between starting nursery and going back to work so their child can be sick and build immunity ahead of time. It helps with sickness when you go back but isn't fool proof

• my nursery will cost £2.2k per month full time. It is the only one near us that offers the hours we need (7.30-6 50 weeks a year) I had a good laugh reading an article about FT nursery costs in London being an outrage at £800 per month. The cheapest option we could find was £1.5k and had short hours and a vague orphanage vibe.
• when you go back who will pick your child up when nursery decides they are sick and MUST be collected. You can take unpaid leave (it's your right) but it ultimately lowers your pay and LT not great for career and promotion.

One other thing to consider is what if your child is sick or disabled. I was pretty amazed at how shit prenatal diagnostics are - there is no guarantee AT ALL your child will be healthy even with every test available.

In terms of going it alone.
Agree with others you are describing an abusive relationship. I have never had unwanted sequel contact with my DH hopefully he feels the same

I am a single mum - my ex was abusive. So yes been a single mum is easier than been with an abusive partner but there are lots of things that are harder. Some decisions i have had to make i really wished i had the opinon of someone who loved my child like me.
My ds has adhd so he is a teenager and still disturbs me at night sometimes. No one cares about my child more than me and i miss having someone to Truly share that with.

You seem to have a very distorted view of men. I think you need to unpick that before you do anything... You could have a boy and raising a boy is to be the best version of themselves not to avoid been abusive and controlling.

Wow there's a lot here.

I'm married, changed my name and a mother. I've found becoming a mother the biggest change to my identity. When just married I still had my own one, now I'm most just (child's name)'s mum.

The marriage you describe is a bad marriage. My husband has never pestered me for sex either before or after I've had a baby. We have a loving and trusting partnership.

As for you ideals about child rearing - oh golly you need to think about this more. Nursery is expensive and others are right that as soon as there's a sniffle they are sent home. For the first 6 months or so it feels like they're always sick!

Sexual not serial 🤣

Oh and my pregnancy has been really really hard despite my midwife describing my symptoms and illnesses as being the milder end of the spectrum.

I had nausea no vomiting and fatigue (1st trimester only)
Sciatica pain - throughout
Lower back pain - throughout
Migraines - throughout
Insomnia - throughout
And now Gestational diabetes in 3rd trimester

Its been hard with my DH. I'd have been fairly lost on my own

You don't seem to know anything about a healthy relationship or babies.

Yeah having a child has deleted my identity more than my marriage ever could have.