To want to become a single mother by choice?

[Eversograteful]

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

• I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
• I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
• I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

• I could parent the way that I want
• I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
• I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
• I get to make parenting decisions by myself

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

I’m guessing op is very very young

Do your finances stretch enough to have an au pair for the first years of their life? Because I think it could be doable if you have a couple of hours of help every day. At first you'll need it to sleep but later on the au pair can help with organizing the home as well (so much washing). I think that you really need to arrange daily support very well. You might have an easy baby but you might also just not sleep more than 4 hours a night the first year. Having someone take over two hours a day (or evening) so you can nap, will make it survivable.

What you describe is a shit marriage to an arsehole.

By contrast have you consider a happy marriage with a man/woman you love?

Imagine instead:

• someone who gets up with the baby so you don't have to
• someone who brings you all your meals in bed when you are recovering post partum
• someone who never pester for sex
• someone your kids adore and need in their lives
• someone who backs you up on parenting

Part of what I love about our kids is they are mine & DHs together.

From an emotional perspective being a single mum is so much easier in some ways than being with their useless father. There are some aspects that are much harder though, in terms of the other parent that is. Of course if you plan to use a sperm donor then that doesn't matter as there isn't an ex partner.

From a practical view point single parenting is hard. It's fucking relentless. You can't use childcare if they are sick. Work will only put up with so many days off for sick kids. Family might help out until they/the kids are sick. Or they go on holiday. If your sick and no one can have the kids you've got to just get on with it. D&V while trying to feed an over hungry toddler? Not fun.

The best time I've had parenting was when I had a lovely partner who did way more than his "fair share" for me and DC (not his). If I was ill I could go to bed and know everyone would be fed and bathed with clean uniform for the morning. If I wasn't sure how to handle something I had someone else to bounce ideas off of.

I wouldn't purposely be a single parent, unless I'd won the lottery and could afford endless takeaways for when we were ill and a live in housekeeper/nanny/cleaner type person.

I wouldn't want your idea of marriage either. It sounds miserable.

Luckily my marriage isn't like that. I haven't lost my identity but I've gained the support of someone with similar values. The idea that he'd force me to become less of myself or even try and coerce me into things like sex are just... Yeah that's not it.

By all means have kids without a partner, but I think you're a bit naive about how difficult it is. As someone who also grew up with a single parent and no knowledge of who their father was, I would strongly caution against that.

YABU because THIS is ridiculous:

I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage.

You will not feel rested or relaxed either way. And no good man would pester you for sex postpartum.

Having a husband when I had my children made me realise I couldn’t have done it on my own. I think you are looking at it through rose tinted glasses.

Goid luck passing your owned home down to your dc - the state will force you to sell it to fund your care in old age.

Well, since you asked.......I think you sound very young and I think you sound very naive.

And whilst I applaud any young woman standing up for feminism, I think this gung ho feminist style you've adopted is misguided and a bit cringeworthy if I'm honest. Getting married doesn't erase your identity.

I also laughed at you thinking you will sleep better as a single parent. And yes, I saw you explaining it as saying you will will sleep better because nobody is pestering you for sex and again - young / naive / clueless springs to mind. I don't even know where to start tbh but in brief - decent men don't pester you for sex after just after you've had a baby. And babies don't sleep. It'll be the baby keeping you awake. My youngest woke every half hour to every hour for the first two years of his life.

As for your general idea of wanting to go it alone - based on your reasons, yes, I would say you are being unreasonable (although probably just wildly naive). Lots of people are single parents and many mange....but generally not by choice. Because it is bloomin hard.

Basically other people will not be interested in your baby. Generally the only people who are truly interested in a baby (apart from doting grandparents, who are worth their weight in gold) is their parents. To actively decide you don't want another parent for your child is doing them a disservice in my opinion.

As I say, some people manage alone and I have huge respect for them. But I doubt many of them would have chosen it. Having a child is a massive responsibility - you need someone to share it with. And don't deprive your child of another parent.

It sounds like you have been in some kind of seriously bad relationship before or you have experienced some kind of relationship in-front of you. You're main issues is about the sex and being controlled.
Maybe you need to visit them issues before you have a kid.
I'm having extreme pelvic pain, and haven't had much sex during my pregnancy and also I am a victim of rape in my early teens. In my out 6 years together he has never once pressured me for sex.
He understood my pass and my triggers and understands I'm in pain!!! I have dealt with it massively. Think you need to deal with your issues before you have a baby xx

Relying on nursery and childcare... you do realise that they will phone you to collect your child at the slightest hint of a temperature or one dodgy nappy? Nurseries are not doctors and your child will get ill A LOT. If you don't want a co-parent (doesn't have to be a husband if marriage offends you that badly) then you either need to pay through the roof for a full time nanny or will need substantial family back up. Even the most family-friendly employers get fed up of mothers dropping everything for the third time that month because they need to collect their sick baby.

Haha OP, crack on then since you’ve got it all figured out. What a joke post. You haven’t got a clue at all.

Sorry but you sound like a 12 year old OP

I think your argument is a very sensible one. I had no help whatsoever with the baby stage and was treated with resentment by ex.
Yes, you will be tired at the baby stage (and beyond) and you will yearn for someone to come and look after you for a while - hopefully you have parents who would give you a little support. Even an hour a week could make a huge difference.

Marriage was created to control women's sexuality?

.... er ....

Crack on then I guess

@user1478172746

You can be rested and relaxed - nothing funny. If child don't have medical issues, breastfeeding works and you co-sleep - very realistic. We usually just do babystage wrong :)

I breastfed and co-slept. It's not a magic cure, I was still exhausted.

Deep sleep is different to light sleep, and is very much needed. And you generally get very little deep sleep when you are in sole charge of tiny babies and breastfeeding them through the night.

OP - the amount of time you will spent trapped on a bed / couch under a sleeping / nursing baby is huge. That is not the same thing as sleep.

@Eversograteful

It would also be nice to have a baby without someone pestering me for sex afterwards and making me feel guilty when I’m not ready for it.

Or generally being married and forced to complete sexual acts that I don’t want to. Basically, I just view marriage as something that takes away my liberty and forces me into being someone I don’t want to be and doing things that I don’t want to do to make other people happy - but not myself.

You have a really bizarre view on marriage, especially husbands after childbirth. My husband didn't "pester me" for sex after our baby was born. In fact, he was very helpful with caring for me after my episiotomy and I felt no guilt when we didn't have sex for months and he wasn't bothered either as he was too busy enjoying either the baby or precious sleep.

Marriage might not be for you and that's okay, but you do have very strange thoughts about what marriages are like.

I'm well educated, financially independent and the breadwinner in our home. I'm married. We eloped, just the two of us, so spent £300 on our wedding day, not £20k! I'm an out and out feminist in every aspect of how I conduct myself. But I took his name because I wanted to. We don't have kids.
You seem to have a very prescriptive view of what marriage looks like. It comes in lots of different shapes and sizes.
You also seem to think you either are married or single, nothing in between. What about cohabiting?

I could counteract most if your reasons but can't be bothered. My concern is a child being born with no father involved. It's not great.

You may be well educated but you sound utterly clueless about real life.

@Eversograteful

It would also be nice to have a baby without someone pestering me for sex afterwards and making me feel guilty when I’m not ready for it.

Or generally being married and forced to complete sexual acts that I don’t want to. Basically, I just view marriage as something that takes away my liberty and forces me into being someone I don’t want to be and doing things that I don’t want to do to make other people happy - but not myself.

It's up to you whatever choose. No wrong answers. However, all marriages are not the above. If you're living like that it's the person you married that is awful, not being married.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Goid luck passing your owned home down to your dc - the state will force you to sell it to fund your care in old age.

I forgot about this bit.

Again, OP, very naive. You really can't plan for things like this. Life doesn't work out this way.

Obviously, we all want to pass our homes onto our kids, but really, who knows what's going to happen in the future. It's madness for this to be a factor in deciding to be a single parent.

I have a friend who did this who is very happy as far as I'm aware, there are a lot of networks online you'll probably get more like minded opinions from.

I think you have a lot of misconceptions and are picturing marriage/relationships with the wrong man I have to say, but appreciate it can feel like a bit of a lottery finding the right partner. I couldn't imagine doing it alone, but I love my husband very much, he's a support and brings joy to my life, not a drain.

Your post shouts out "me, me, me". Nothing about the emotional needs of children just "providing financially" for them.