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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to become a single mother by choice?

531 replies

Eversograteful · 14/12/2021 02:49

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

  • I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
  • I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
  • I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

  • it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
  • I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
  • I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
  • I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
  • I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

  • I could parent the way that I want
  • I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
  • I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
  • I get to make parenting decisions by myself
Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

OP posts:
Helpstopthepain · 14/12/2021 07:55

Quite not quit

Icebreaker99 · 14/12/2021 07:55

Basically, I just view marriage as something that takes away my liberty and forces me into being someone I don’t want to be and doing things that I don’t want to do to make other people happy - but not myself.

Swap "marriage" for "motherhood" and that would be far more accurate!

vivainsomnia · 14/12/2021 07:56

I agree that your posts come across as being all about your needs and a baby just filling out another of your need as if a possession.

A baby, then a child and one day an adult is an identity separate from you. As a parent, your main goal is to provide them with what is best for them as much as is possible and research has long shown that having a mother and father who are both dedicated to meeting their needs is what is best for any child.

Sometimes it doesn't happen as planned and kids are still ok, but to go and make it a choice from the start because it suits you best is just selfish and puts your needs ahead of your future child(ren). Not a beat start to motherhood.

Ylvamoon · 14/12/2021 07:57

Maybe OP hasn't found the right partner yet. The one you want to build a life with and have children with.

CurtainTroubles · 14/12/2021 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Mamamamasaurus · 14/12/2021 07:58

I haven't read all of the replies but what you describe is an abusive marriage to a massive bastard of a husband. You seem to have very low opinions of men and how they WOULD treat you, but I feel you're wide of the mark. I suspect you've had a bad experience with previous partners and this has tainted your outlook on all men..

IMO children thrive with both parents - is that always the case? No. Is it sometimes best to just have one parent? Absolutely. Is it best to do it alone by choice? Not really in my opinion, but each to their own. Is it selfish to actively deprive a child of their other parent? In my opinion yes.

logsonlogsoff · 14/12/2021 07:58

I married a woman which seems to address most of your issues with marriage! Although we had to get married before kids if we wanted to be equal parents in the eyes of the law I have no regrets.
SIngle parenting is a slog - less so if you can afford a nanny and childcare and babysitters.
Maybe you’d consider trying to find someone with the same ideas and values as you rather than dismissing the idea of having a partner at all.

OhPeeQueue · 14/12/2021 07:58

It would also be nice to have a baby without someone pestering me for sex afterwards and making me feel guilty when I’m not ready for it.

Wtf? You know in normal relationships, that doesn’t happen? 3 kids here with a husband..

But do whatever you want. It’s your life!

Bagamoyo1 · 14/12/2021 08:00

@xmasfairy21

Don't do it

Kids need fathers, there is a lot of detriment from not having a father for both genders. Personally I don't think women should have the right to remove fathers from their children by choice unless father is abusive, unwell etc

All the single parents I know are: exhausted, stressed (24/7 job with no rest), poorer (no bill split), often stuck and having to cash in favours that they then have to repay, generally homes in poorer repair (less money/ time)

The kids of these families are all quite aware that they're poorer than others; that they get less; that mum is stressed or unwell a lot.

None of them are grateful, some are already v resentful (age 11+) mum deliberately deprived them of a dad and a materially richer life.

Don't think your kids will want a single parent. I've never met a child that did. Prepare to deal with that anger.

I’ve never read such massive generalisations! You might want to rethink all this judgement.
bonetiredwithtwins · 14/12/2021 08:02

I'm pretty sure that the OP will have no problem on the never marrying front if she is this man hating in real life as she comes across in her posts - I doubt she will be inundated with offers - I only hope the child she feels so entitled to have isn't a son with her views on men

Anthurium · 14/12/2021 08:04

Single mother by choice here (IVF pregnancy with a sperm donor).

Op, I think you do have arose tinted view of marriage and children.

I was married (no children), and although it wasn't abusive, we were incompatible. I divorced aged 36, did some dating and aged 39 began my treatment for IVF.

Although I am alone, I'm currently nursing my 3 week old baby boy, I did have emotional support of my family and friend.
You can certainly do it, you do need to be resilient, everything will be on you from day one, the good and the bad, all the decisions from some trivial ones to the more serious ones.

  • "I could parent the way that I want" - yes, this is correct.
  • "I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues" you don't sleep how you want really, you sleep according to your baby's/child's needs. It's correct that not having a partner/relationship to maintain, does channel the focus on to the child.
  • "I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills" yes, this is correct and can make life easier
  • "I get to make parenting decisions by myself" yes, this is correct see my explanation.
"Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things" yes this is true to a degree, but family, friends or even healthcare professionals can be a great resource if available and you need it.
Porcupineintherough · 14/12/2021 08:04

I'm sure you like the idea of children OP but I'm not sure you'll enjoy the reality in quite the way you think. The baby stage can be particularly trying as a single parent, and the teenage one.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 14/12/2021 08:06

Rested snd relaxed during baby stage

HAHAHAHAHA

Bless you OP

Being a single parent is fucking hard graft and lonely at times.

For example: I currently have covid and have had to try and separate in the house from 11yo DS to stop him catching it - this has been very hard on both of us. Luckily I haven't been really floored by it, if I had then we would have struggled. If DS had been a toddler well I can't even imagine.

I have to work full time to pay the bills - not a problem as I'm in (touch wood) good health. If I wasn't then...who knows. Unless you are insanely rich whatever savings you have will never be enough.

Every single decision that has to be made has to be made alone.

You are default mum and dad. Full day at work then all the homework housework cooking laundry etc and all the running around for after school activities.
Car problems on top, guess what? You get to sort that too.
Feeling ill on Sunday - too bad there's a football match so you're in the car at 0830 am and stood cheering on the sideline while you freeze.
It all falls to you. All of it. Everything.

I could go on.

But yeah feel free to prance around in your idyllic little world with your flower garlands and floaty dresses.

Good luck!

U8976532 · 14/12/2021 08:07

I think if you've got a shit partner life and parenting is exorbitantly more difficult, but equally if you have a good partner parenthood and life is so much easier and enjoyable, so I can see single parenthood sitting in between that, are you sure you're ready to give up on the good partner option? That depends on age of course.

audweb · 14/12/2021 08:08

@xmasfairy21

Don't do it

Kids need fathers, there is a lot of detriment from not having a father for both genders. Personally I don't think women should have the right to remove fathers from their children by choice unless father is abusive, unwell etc

All the single parents I know are: exhausted, stressed (24/7 job with no rest), poorer (no bill split), often stuck and having to cash in favours that they then have to repay, generally homes in poorer repair (less money/ time)

The kids of these families are all quite aware that they're poorer than others; that they get less; that mum is stressed or unwell a lot.

None of them are grateful, some are already v resentful (age 11+) mum deliberately deprived them of a dad and a materially richer life.

Don't think your kids will want a single parent. I've never met a child that did. Prepare to deal with that anger.

What the..?

I’m a single parent, and I’m substantially better off financially as I worked my way to a great job, and ditched the ex who had been drinking all our money away. I only have one kid. I’m able to provide things for her that either her friends also have, or actually can’t afford despite having two active parents.

I’m tired sure but show me a working mum that isn’t even in a relationship.

Such a huge amount of assumptions and judgement in your post.

NdujaWannaDance · 14/12/2021 08:08

I'm pretty sure that the OP will have no problem on the never marrying front if she is this man hating in real life as she comes across in her posts - I doubt she will be inundated with offers - I only hope the child she feels so entitled to have isn't a son with her views on men

I strongly suspect she is very inexperienced in relationships with men and anything she 'knows' about them is what she's gleaned from reading Mumsnet or watching TV dramas where there is little happiness or harmony.

She's choosing to focus on all the negatives of a bad relationship as a way of feeling okay about not having had any proper relationships at all.

GiltEdges · 14/12/2021 08:14

I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues

Good luck with that! If I'd have been a single parent with DS from 0-18M I don't think I'd still be here! Because that's how long it took for him to stop waking HOURLY all night long, every night.

Apart from that, you do you. I completely disagree with a lot of your thinking, but in the same way you evidently judge others for getting married, I'd tend towards writing you off as young and naive 🤷🏼‍♀️

NdujaWannaDance · 14/12/2021 08:16

i really want to know how old the OP is and what her relationship history thus far looks like.

NotMeekNotObedient · 14/12/2021 08:17

Sorry, I dont think you should have a baby on your own yet...
You won't get sleep
Going back to work at 6 months will be gruelling
You don't need to get married - and if you do there is no requirement to take Mrs, or his name or spend a lot of money.
Get a house before having the baby
Remember you may not be able to return to work, what if your child is born disabled, how will you live if you can't work?
Not all men pester their partners for sex unreasonably

You come across as quote young and reductionist

Ted27 · 14/12/2021 08:19

@xmasfairy21

I take exception to a lot of your post. I am a single mother by choice to one child. My next door neighbours, married couple both working full time, have 3 children.
My house is in better repair than theirs. My son has his own room, plus a den in the garden, their kids have to share. They usually have one week holiday a year, never been abroad. Their kids spend most of the school holidays in the back garden annoying each other. Whilst we don't go abroad every year, we have been several times, have at least two uk holidays a year, plus lots of weekends away. My son's holidays are as full as he wants them to be, scout trips, sports camps, whatever he wants to do. . They rarely do things like go to the theatre or cinema, my son and I do all sorts of things together.

I am no more exhausted and stressed than they are, we are certainly not poorer. My son has everything he needs and what most kids his age have. I am not unwell a lot. My son does not resent me or hate me, he is fully aware of his fathers limitations and knows he is better off with me, on our own.
Yes sometimes I need a favour from friends, don't we all, I give plenty back.
Most of my single mum friends are the same, women in professional jobs who give their children good lives.

Having said that @Eversograteful, you seem to have some strange ideas about marriage, being a parent is hard, being a single parent brings extra challenges, for me its being responsible for everything, particularly the big decisions such as choosing schools. Covering school holidays is difficult, childcare is expensive, you can't always rely on nurseries etc.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 14/12/2021 08:20

You have some very strange and almost damaged ideas about relationships and marriage.

I also think, like all of us before we had children so not a criticism, you have absolutely no idea about the harsh reality of parenting. I was permanently knackered with a supportive partner, so can't imagine what it would have been like to be a single parent.

The only advantage I can see of being a single parent by choice is that your don't have to agree your parenting approach with anyone and consistency is less of an issue.

I'd suggest trying to make friends with someone with babies/toddlers who is single with no Ex-DP around, to really understand what you'd be letting yourself in for.

anon12345678901 · 14/12/2021 08:20

@xmasfairy21

Don't do it

Kids need fathers, there is a lot of detriment from not having a father for both genders. Personally I don't think women should have the right to remove fathers from their children by choice unless father is abusive, unwell etc

All the single parents I know are: exhausted, stressed (24/7 job with no rest), poorer (no bill split), often stuck and having to cash in favours that they then have to repay, generally homes in poorer repair (less money/ time)

The kids of these families are all quite aware that they're poorer than others; that they get less; that mum is stressed or unwell a lot.

None of them are grateful, some are already v resentful (age 11+) mum deliberately deprived them of a dad and a materially richer life.

Don't think your kids will want a single parent. I've never met a child that did. Prepare to deal with that anger.

That's a lot of assumptions. I'm a single parent, I've got more money than my friends in relationships because I earn more than them. It doesn't always work out that two people can earn more than one.
gogohm · 14/12/2021 08:20

From your post I can assume you have never had a good relationship. None of what you are worried about was true for me, and I personally don't think I could have coped alone especially in the baby stage, my dd has autism, didn't know it then of course but she was so fussy, poor tone and we struggled even though we were younger too because she simply slept so little

firstimemamma · 14/12/2021 08:22

Each to their own but some of your reasons don't make sense to me. I'm married yet I too find the idea of £20,000 on one day awful and ridiculous. It really doesn't have to cost that much, ours certainly didn't and it wasn't a traditional day.

Also the rested and relaxed during the baby stage bit did make me chuckle.

Of course you're well within your right to never marry though - lots of people don't and it's a personal thing.

gogohm · 14/12/2021 08:24

And weddings don't have to cost much. If I remarry it will be for the marry bit not the wedding, £1000 tops