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AIBU?

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Original poster

Joke taken the wrong way

213 replies

cakes90 · 13/12/2021 23:05

I went to a meetup group tonight and was having a laugh with a few people I just met. There was a running joke about some of the fake profiles on meetup. I said to one guy as a joke I thought he may have been a fake profile before he came to the event - this is a joke and I never thought that at all. He got really cagey and said there was nothing wrong with his profile. I apologised as I didn't mean anything. I didn't realise he would be offended. There is no way I would want to upset or offend someone.

The atmosphere was tense then, as it was near the end of the night he said he isn't stopping out as he is tired, he looked at me and said 'nothing to do with the company'. Now, before this incident he said he was tired anyway. A long time friend said as soon as I said the joke she could see how someone would take it the wrong way and you have to be careful with people you don't know and have just met. I was a member of the group for 3 years and have left it. I have not had anyone fall out like this in the years I have been going to meetup.

Looking back over this night it seemed like these people were quite socially awkward. I wish I had not gone now and waited for the next event when my long time friends would have gone as they are not like this and would have laughed. Was it bad I tried to joke?

OP posts:
ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind · 14/12/2021 12:56

You sound like hard work, op. The group’s probably breathing a collective sigh of relief.

cushioncovers · 14/12/2021 13:03

I think you were nervous and tried to deflect that by making a joke at someone else's expense. It backfired.

I've done this before at a dinner party. It didn't go down well I'm still embarrassed by it years later.

Don't worry too much about it op but just try not to do it again.

Enough4me · 14/12/2021 13:33

OP I hope you are ignoring the OTT messages and busy having fun.

Some on here would like to torture you by the sounds of it for saying a joke that fell flat 🤣

mam0918 · 14/12/2021 14:35

@TractorAndHeadphones

OP - ONE person couldn’t take a joke and now you don’t want to go back? That’s an overreaction. It wasn’t the best joke but neither was it offensive unless someone was very sensitive. To let it ruin the whole atmosphere is horribly socially awkward. Go back and enjoy your long term friends. I can be sensitive too but if someone apologises the intention is clear. If he’s too paranoid and socially awkward he should stay home and not go to any meet-ups. Nobody can say that they’ve NEVER said the wrong thing. So why not treat others like you’d want to be treated if you said the wrong thing?
If he’s too paranoid and socially awkward he should stay home and not go to any meet-ups.

but the meet ups are for loney or socially awkward people who dont already have friend groups... you sound like a privileged abelist bully in that sentence because excluding someone is cruel but excluding someone from something designed specifically for them is ridiculous.

OP was the one that was socially awkward (the only other option is she is deliberately just straight-up mean) and cause the issue not him.

Twopenny · 14/12/2021 18:16

@mam0918 but the meet ups are for loney or socially awkward people who dont already have friend groups... you sound like a privileged abelist bully in that sentence because excluding someone is cruel but excluding someone from something designed specifically for them is ridiculous.

Er, what? Meetup.com isn't specifically for lonely or socially awkward people?

I'm on it because I'm into art, and local art classes and events are organised through it. There's also a really active LGBT group that organises events for the community via Meetup.

Corbally · 14/12/2021 18:25

@mam0918, you’ve completely misunderstood the purpose of Meetup.

shreddednips · 14/12/2021 18:31

You're both overreacting IMO. I'm not sure I understand the joke, but I also don't think it was grossly insulting or anything. I wouldn't have been bothered, although perhaps baffled, but he was, so an apology was in order. Assuming you did apologise, it seems a bit OTT for him to not let it go.

You're also overreacting by leaving the group. If you wanted, you could send a message to him apologising again and explaining that it was intended as a joke and not meaning to suggest that there was something actually wrong with his profile, but that you realise it sounded mean and want to say sorry. It seems a shame to miss out on something you enjoy because of a misjudged joke.

I do think it's worth taking what your friend (and PPs) are saying about not making personal jokes with people you don't know well. It's nothing to do with 'walking on eggshells'- he doesn't know you, so he doesn't know whether you were making a harmless joke or being catty.

Kite22 · 14/12/2021 22:05

I also agree with @ComtesseDeSpair

and very much this:

So you upset someone but it’s their fault for being “paranoid” and you won’t go back to the group because of “too much aggro”?

A more mature response would be to reflect on the fact that your flippancy has upset someone and think about how you could be kinder in future.

LizzieW1969 · 14/12/2021 22:53

@shreddednips

You're both overreacting IMO. I'm not sure I understand the joke, but I also don't think it was grossly insulting or anything. I wouldn't have been bothered, although perhaps baffled, but he was, so an apology was in order. Assuming you did apologise, it seems a bit OTT for him to not let it go.

You're also overreacting by leaving the group. If you wanted, you could send a message to him apologising again and explaining that it was intended as a joke and not meaning to suggest that there was something actually wrong with his profile, but that you realise it sounded mean and want to say sorry. It seems a shame to miss out on something you enjoy because of a misjudged joke.

I do think it's worth taking what your friend (and PPs) are saying about not making personal jokes with people you don't know well. It's nothing to do with 'walking on eggshells'- he doesn't know you, so he doesn't know whether you were making a harmless joke or being catty.

This is spot on. Jokes like this should be restricted to people you know. Even then, it can be misunderstood; my DM never realises when my DH is pulling her leg.
LordPeppercorn · 14/12/2021 22:55

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

It was only a joke. That'll be why he has to go on the internet for friends, because he is a humourless sod in real life and has no mates.
Wow, what is this - school? Such an immature thing to say.Confused

OP (and many others on mumsnet) also 'goes on the internet for friends'. What do you have to say about them?

LordPeppercorn · 14/12/2021 23:00

@cakes90

I have already apologised once and he accepted it. I am not apologising again, I don’t have to beg for forgiveness.
To be fair, you're the one who sounds paranoid. You say he's accepted the apology. Who's asking you to beg then? You're wondering why he had to leave, what him looking at you meant and you left the group because of it all. You've now come to mumsnet to make a thread about it.

Yet, him asking what the comment you said to him meant is paranoid?

I think you're projecting. You both lost each other in communication (and possibly sound a bit alike). That's all.

5keletor · 14/12/2021 23:09

As others have said, if sounds like the main issue is that the "joke" just wasn't funny, so was taken as an accusation due to the complete lack of humour. It is an odd thing to say, I guess.
It does sound like you've brought quite a bit of drama to the group, I'd forget about it and not bring it up again if you do go back, otherwise people are just going to feel uncomfortable again.

weddingdilemmma · 15/12/2021 14:07

@StEval

Ouch! Op you have crossed a boundary here. He is a stranger to you and you made a " joke" But it sounds more like you were picking on him and expecting everyone to roar with laughter. Not very nice. You know it wasnt very nice , hence the flounce and strop. You messed up, apologise and learn from it, move on.
^ Exactly this! You're saying he's over reacting and paranoid but you're the one obsessing over it and posting on MN instead of apologising and moving on.

If you look at all the responses I don't think you'll find anyone that 'gets' the joke,
This would suggest that what you said wasn't actually funny but you can't seem to accept this:

I would understand if they were something about his profile that you felt you knew him well enough to tease him about. But 1) there was nothing about his profile that made you say it (apparently), and 2) you don't know him well enough to tease him

Personally, I wouldn't be offended if someone said that to me. However, I would be a baffled and either ask them what they meant or shrug it off and change the subject. That's because I'm quite thick skinned, confident and don't tend to dwell on what strangers think of me. However, to a less confident individual who is brand new to a group and may already be nervous,
I completely understand his reaction. He's probably been trying to work out what's wrong with his profile and why you'd think he was fake.^

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