Joke taken the wrong way

[cakes90]

I went to a meetup group tonight and was having a laugh with a few people I just met. There was a running joke about some of the fake profiles on meetup. I said to one guy as a joke I thought he may have been a fake profile before he came to the event - this is a joke and I never thought that at all. He got really cagey and said there was nothing wrong with his profile. I apologised as I didn't mean anything. I didn't realise he would be offended. There is no way I would want to upset or offend someone.

The atmosphere was tense then, as it was near the end of the night he said he isn't stopping out as he is tired, he looked at me and said 'nothing to do with the company'. Now, before this incident he said he was tired anyway. A long time friend said as soon as I said the joke she could see how someone would take it the wrong way and you have to be careful with people you don't know and have just met. I was a member of the group for 3 years and have left it. I have not had anyone fall out like this in the years I have been going to meetup.

Looking back over this night it seemed like these people were quite socially awkward. I wish I had not gone now and waited for the next event when my long time friends would have gone as they are not like this and would have laughed. Was it bad I tried to joke?

He didn't find your joke funny, you didn't find his joke funny.

Why are you allowed to be offended/upset by a comment but he isn't?

The other day on the train I was told by some random man that I looked like a drug dealer. I don't know if he was deliberately trying to be rude or thought it was funny but it was just such a random thing to say. But don't quit the group over it, at least you'll know for next time that this sort of joke may not always be taken how you want it to

The other day on the train I was told by some random man that I looked like a drug dealer.

Now that is odd. 🤣 Did you respond?

Whilst avoiding being deliberately offensive, you can't censor everything you say for the fear it might upset someone. I would have laughed and asked why if someone said that to me. Perhaps he has something to hide and his profile is fake and you have all dodged a bullet.

I have no idea what the problem is, it's really not an insult is it, you had no idea who he was - I would have assumed you were complimenting him, saying that you thought his profile was fake because he sounded 'too' good or because he was so good looking in his picture. Saying you thought his profile was fake when you didn't actually think that it was is a bit weird though. I'd only have said it if it was true and i could explain why.

Do you know why he was so funny about it - I'd bet a million dollars it's either because he's lied on profiles before or because this one isn't 100% true. Notice that he didn't ask you why you thought it was fake, that would have been the obvious question - he was probably worried you'd spotted whatever he'd put that wasn't true.

Don't leave the group. If you want to just move things on to a better note with him then apologise and say you didn't think his profile was fake you just thought it was a funny thing to say and didn't realise he would be upset by it. It's really not that big a deal. It's sounds like he's paranoid that other people might think he's fake so at least that will put his mind at rest if he is genuine.

The fact that he was paranoid, and asking people what a fake profile looks like, shows that he doesn’t get out much

I can’t deal with overly sensitive people these days. The joke wasn’t in any way offensive or crossing any lines. Mr sensitive just decided to be offended. Yawn.

Yes, quite. Perhaps he can set up his own group for the permanently paranoid and oversensitive where they all stick to talking about the weather.

Just forget it. What would you do if so done said something to you that you thought borderline? Given them benefit of the doubt I expect. Well it’s within his power to do the same if he chooses to. Alternatively he can choose to be sulky pants.

I belong to a friendship group through a hobby, there are running in jokes but this group has been running for six years. A few people come and go or drop out for a time and then come back due to commitments. People that are over familiar when they don’t know me really irritate me, I do understand it’s nerves sometimes. This is effectively what you have done.

So not only did you insult the guys profile and make him paranoid about it, you’re now saying you will avoid him in future - so he will be even more upset and paranoid.

Fake profiles can’t have been that much of a running joke if he had to ask your friend what one was. You are completely in the wrong here and instead of avoiding him or refusing to go back to the group, act like an adult and message him to apologise.

One person's over-familiar is another person's friendly.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

It was only a joke. That'll be why he has to go on the internet for friends, because he is a humourless sod in real life and has no mates.

What's wrong with 'going on the internet for friends'? Especially through groups where the whole point is to organise real life meet ups?

The point is, be yourself. Some people might dislike you, find you irritating as you look like their sister they don't get on with, some people might find the same conversation boring, over-familiar, friendly, funny, threatening. You don't have to like everyone and not everyone has to like you.

Imagine this was a reverse and a female said a male recognised her profile in a group and thought it was fake.

People would be all over it saying it is weird he had recognised and looked at your profile to such a degree, check your security settings, leave with someone else, report him to the meetup group leader and probably the police for harassment etc.

Massive amount of hypocrisy on here.

If the man genuinely didn't know what a fake profile was he may not get out much which is not uncommon on some meetup groups. People go to the groups normally to make friends. Leave the guy alone.

I bet the op exaggerated his response to make her joke look more proportionate.

Do you often find you hit the wrong spot when trying to joke with people? Is it a nerves thing? Do you often blurt stuff out and then wish you hadn't? Some people think they are being funny but just always manage to come across as rude or offensive, or slightly bullying.

@ NdujaWannaDance I have been going for many years to events and not had a problem with anyone. That’s why I an so shocked. I was trying to make an effort with the new people but it backfired.

I have already apologised once and he accepted it. I am not apologising again, I don’t have to beg for forgiveness.

The tone in your posts suggest that maybe you’re possibly lacking in social skills too. I don’t mean that harshly, but you’re really patronising and insulting towards him when you were the one who offended, and then you’ve acted like the victim by going to the extreme of not going back.

That sounds to me like someone who is in the wrong, and refuses to accept they’re in the wrong.

I don't think your home was inherently offensive. You just can't really know what has happened in someone's life to create thes odd pain points. Most adults have the maturity to realise what they're sensitive about and that a relative stranger might not be aware.
I wouldn't get too worked up about it. I certainly wouldn't leave the group.

OP,

Don't be ridiculous and not return to something you enjoy.

Put it out of your mind.
Go and pretend you don't remember it if he is there.
Be cheery and avoid.

But DON'T stop going for something so small.

given it was an ongoing discussion so not as if you just came out and said it, and the fact he reacted to it as he did I would bet money that his profile is dishonest in some way, or he has fake profiles on other sites.

His reaction was totally disproportionate given the context.

One person in three years was put out by something you said and that's so much 'aggro' you are going to leave the group? That seems like a massive over reaction. Why cut yourself off from something that has given you pleasure? Go back to the group. If you see him there either apologise or keep away from him.

You're being a bit mean here.
You said something that wasnt funny. And if he was a new person, he'd already be feeling a bit nervous and wouldnt be "in" on the running joke. This would be the first time he'd heard this line of chat, and then you turned and singled him out. That must have made him feel pretty crappy about himself.
It's hard for some people to put themselves out there, but he did. And then you scrapped all over his profile. It wasnt funny. Saying something is a joke doesnt mean it is and doesnt make it funny. It isnt his fault you did that, but all through this you have tried to blame him.

You've said you'll never go back, as if you're a victim here. You are not. He didnt do anytbung wrong.

Now you've said you'll go back but will avoid hil because you cant be walking on egg shells to avoid offenced anyone. How about, just dont make targeted jokes and newcomers to the meet who you dont know. He is causing you to walk on eggshells. He isnt doing anything wrong. Its you that was the problem. Just dobt say mean things to someone you've only just met. That isnt walking on eggshells. That's being decent.

@cakes90 said that there was nothing about the profile that made it a funny target for her joke. She also says that this man was asking someone following her comment, about fake profiles.

He wants to meet people, that’s why he joined the group. A big part of connecting with people online is your profile - and in person, as they will have seen your profile. It’s a big deal if your profile is called fake-looking.

I don’t agree with those interpreting it as coming across as “too good to be true” and a compliment, because OP is obviously reluctant to share what she actually said.

The only thing we do know, if that one person who was actually there and presumably is “on OP’s side” as she’s a friend - said it wasn’t good.

Talking about leaving the group is over dramatic and quite odd, and OP has ignored questions about why she’d do something so disproportionate.

I'm not sure why most of these posters think you were out of order: you made a gentle joke, not a viscious accusation. That kind of joke is a common welcoming gambit in social conversation, an invitation to participate and share a moment of humour and cameraderie. It was a kind thing to do. I can only presume that he has some kind of social anxiety or awkwardness that meant he was unable to engage with it as intended. You didn't make him uncomfortable, any interaction of that nature is unlikely to make him uncomfortable, it threw this aspect of his personality into broad relief. He made you feel uncomfortable straight away and appeared to have no qualms about that. You apologised immediately, which was the right thing to do.

Please put this behind you. Don't limit your social activities due to one man's social anxiety. This is part of normal social interaction - you offered him a moment of connection that he was unable to make use of, he expressed his discomfort. You both have learned that he doesn't like that kind of playfulness. I'm sure you won't try that interaction style with him again. Please don't shut down that part of your personality in general though, warmth and playfulness are valued by so many people. It would be awful if everyone like that shut it down.

“I thought your profile was fake because you seemed so cool” or variant of fine.

“I thought your profile was fake” not fine.