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Original poster

Joke taken the wrong way

213 replies

cakes90 · 13/12/2021 23:05

I went to a meetup group tonight and was having a laugh with a few people I just met. There was a running joke about some of the fake profiles on meetup. I said to one guy as a joke I thought he may have been a fake profile before he came to the event - this is a joke and I never thought that at all. He got really cagey and said there was nothing wrong with his profile. I apologised as I didn't mean anything. I didn't realise he would be offended. There is no way I would want to upset or offend someone.

The atmosphere was tense then, as it was near the end of the night he said he isn't stopping out as he is tired, he looked at me and said 'nothing to do with the company'. Now, before this incident he said he was tired anyway. A long time friend said as soon as I said the joke she could see how someone would take it the wrong way and you have to be careful with people you don't know and have just met. I was a member of the group for 3 years and have left it. I have not had anyone fall out like this in the years I have been going to meetup.

Looking back over this night it seemed like these people were quite socially awkward. I wish I had not gone now and waited for the next event when my long time friends would have gone as they are not like this and would have laughed. Was it bad I tried to joke?

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 13/12/2021 23:36

A long time friend said as soon as I said the joke she could see how someone would take it the wrong way and you have to be careful with people you don't know and have just met

I mean this in the kindest way, but if someone who knows you well had to explain this to you, I don’t think it’s the social skills of the other members who are lacking here.

Frazzledmummy123 · 13/12/2021 23:38

I can see it from both your viewpoints. I know you didn't mean what you said to offend him, but I can understand why it was taken how it was. It sounds like he was nervous about being there, and perhaps it was his.first meet up. the fact he got up and left sounds like he felt like he felt uncomfortable . We have all at some point opened our mouths and said something that has unintentionally offended or irritated someone, but it has been said now so don't beat yourself up about it.

I know you said you made an attempt to turn it round to yourself and it didn't work, but if you do feel bad about it and it is playing on your mind, then why not go to that meet up again, see if he is there, and if he is, approach him with an apology. If he doesn't want to know, then you tried. However, you could also just put it down to experience and move on from it.

Frazzledmummy123 · 13/12/2021 23:41

*a whole line erased there Confused, i hate that there is no edit button on MN! That should say 'sounds like he felt like he had to get away he was so uncomfortable'

Original poster
cakes90 · 13/12/2021 23:43

@Frazzledmummy123 Thank you for your kind words. We all ended up leaving at the same time anyway. I did apologise so I suppose I will have to put it down to experience. If I go back I will avoid him as I can't be walking on eggshells all the time with people in fear of saying something wrong.

OP posts:
chickensoup27 · 13/12/2021 23:44

This really doesn't make any sense. You told him that you thought his profile was fake, even though you didn't actually think that? I can see why he didn't find it funny Confused

grapewine · 13/12/2021 23:45

Are you calling them socially awkward to make yourself feel better? There's nothing awkward about not finding that "joke" funny.

Justmuddlingalong · 13/12/2021 23:45

You still seem very unaware of why he may have been offended. I'm sure you won't need to avoid him.

Original poster
cakes90 · 13/12/2021 23:47

@Justmuddlingalong I understand why he may have been offended but at the time it never crossed my mind because of the running joke. I won't go back to the group, too much aggro.

OP posts:
RitaFires · 13/12/2021 23:51

It seems like your joke didn't come out the way you intended, it's not fair to put the blame on how the person reacted when you haven't been able to explain what was supposed to be funny about it. It's not great to use jokes to target people you don't know especially at a meetup group, anyone who is coming to a meetup group is doing it because they don't have many friends in the area and it can be nerve-wracking for some people to put themselves out there to meet new people.

I wouldn't quit the group over it but I would try and be mindful going forward of being nice to people who are trying to make new friends and not do things that might offend them or put them off joining the group.

rattlemehearties · 13/12/2021 23:52

Is there about to be a massive dripfeed about how you're not NT OP? I cannot understand why you asked this if you're not listening to the advice. You were in the wrong

BurntO · 13/12/2021 23:54

It’s hard to put yourself out there. He probably wasn’t feeling the most confident and your comment probably knocked him a little bit. I don’t think it was a joke and I can’t see how it would be funny on a first meet

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/12/2021 23:55

It doesn’t sound like an especially welcoming meet up group. A “running joke” which comes up regularly at meetings about the profiles of new members probably being fake is more likely to make them feel self conscious and as though the established members judge or ridicule those they don’t know behind their backs, than feel included. Perhaps suggest in the group page that the “joke” be put to bed?

alienbaby · 13/12/2021 23:55

I see you were trying to be jovial and lighthearted. He sounds like he takes himself really seriously and a lot of people on here sound po faced too.

viques · 13/12/2021 23:56

[quote cakes90]@Frazzledmummy123 Thank you for your kind words. We all ended up leaving at the same time anyway. I did apologise so I suppose I will have to put it down to experience. If I go back I will avoid him as I can't be walking on eggshells all the time with people in fear of saying something wrong.[/quote]
Don’t avoid him, seek him out immediately and apologise again . That should be the end of it. If you don’t it will drag on and on and soon become too embarrassing to ever raise again, but the resentment of unfinished business from both of you will fester.

BurntO · 13/12/2021 23:56

@cakes90 Frazzledmummy123 Thank you for your kind words. We all ended up leaving at the same time anyway. I did apologise so I suppose I will have to put it down to experience. If I go back I will avoid him as I can't be walking on eggshells all the time with people in fear of saying something wrong

Really?? How would you feel if you met someone online for the first time and they basically said “oh I thought your profile was a joke…” it doesn’t mean they can’t have a laugh, it’s rude

WrongWayApricot · 13/12/2021 23:57

Did you mean his photo looked too good to be true? Like it was a stock photo?

me4real · 13/12/2021 23:58

I won't go back to the group, too much aggro.

@cakes90 It's upto you OP but this is a one-off, and you apologised. I doon't think people'll hold it against you. If you've had three years of it being ok and just a few sentences of someone taking you the wrong way, it sounds to me like on balance it's pretty good. You could go along with your established friends next time maybe so you don't feel anxious after this so much, but I'm sure it'll work out ok. x

weddingdilemmma · 13/12/2021 23:58

@chickensoup27

This really doesn't make any sense. You told him that you thought his profile was fake, even though you didn't actually think that? I can see why he didn't find it funny Confused

I don't get it at all!

I'd maybe have found it funny if there was something about his profile that he'd said on his profile as a joke. However, if the running joke was about fake profiles in general then why single him out?

It wasn't a singles event was it?? Ive used OLD in the past and sometimes guys make jokes about thinking your profile was fake but actually meaning it as a (bad) compliment (still not a joke tho).

The guy was probably thinking it over, 2nd guessing why you'd think his profile was fake and worrying how many others may think it's fake too

Constance1 · 14/12/2021 00:01

[quote cakes90]@Frazzledmummy123 Thank you for your kind words. We all ended up leaving at the same time anyway. I did apologise so I suppose I will have to put it down to experience. If I go back I will avoid him as I can't be walking on eggshells all the time with people in fear of saying something wrong.[/quote]
Gosh there is a bit of a victim blaming tone here. No one would be expecting you to walk on eggshells around them, what they would b expecting is for you to make new members of the group feel welcome and not the butt of your jokes. Mostly people don't single out complete strangers to make fun of or to make feel awkward.

me4real · 14/12/2021 00:02

Everyone can say the wrong thing or have something random come out of their mouth sometimes, I do it often. I think most people won't dislike you over it or anything, especially as you apologised. The bloke might come again sometimes, but you don't have to spend one on one time with him, you'll be in a group so you could try and forget he's there.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 00:02

Like most people here, I don't get the joke?

Instead of running away from the group OP, take this opportunity to make him feel comfortable and yourself feel you've done your best to fix it, by messaging him (or doing so via the group leader if you don't have his details) and just saying something like "I'm really sorry, I think something I said came across awkwardly and it wasn't my intention to make you uncomfortable at all, - I hope you'll still enjoy coming to the group, see you next time!"

HeddaGarbled · 14/12/2021 00:02

So you upset someone but it’s their fault for being “paranoid” and you won’t go back to the group because of “too much aggro”?

A more mature response would be to reflect on the fact that your flippancy has upset someone and think about how you could be kinder in future.

sunflowerroses · 14/12/2021 00:06

It sounds like it was a mild joke that wasn't mean and that he overreacted.

KrisAkabusi · 14/12/2021 00:08

Wasn't there a version of this thread two weeks ago? Person goes to a meet up. Makes a joke about a guy's photo, doesn't go down very well, decides to never go to the group again. It's all very familiar.

Corbally · 14/12/2021 00:08

[quote cakes90]@Frazzledmummy123 Thank you for your kind words. We all ended up leaving at the same time anyway. I did apologise so I suppose I will have to put it down to experience. If I go back I will avoid him as I can't be walking on eggshells all the time with people in fear of saying something wrong.[/quote]
I mean this kindly, but you’re coming across as both deeply socially awkward yourself, while blaming other people for being so, AND with a side order of ‘You can’t say anything without it being taken the wrong way.’

I can quite see you didn’t consciously intend to make the other person feel uncomfortable, but surely it’s not too hard to see why someone who didn’t know you or ‘running jokes’ in the group, might have? Especially if he was new?

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