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Original poster

Joke taken the wrong way

213 replies

cakes90 · 13/12/2021 23:05

I went to a meetup group tonight and was having a laugh with a few people I just met. There was a running joke about some of the fake profiles on meetup. I said to one guy as a joke I thought he may have been a fake profile before he came to the event - this is a joke and I never thought that at all. He got really cagey and said there was nothing wrong with his profile. I apologised as I didn't mean anything. I didn't realise he would be offended. There is no way I would want to upset or offend someone.

The atmosphere was tense then, as it was near the end of the night he said he isn't stopping out as he is tired, he looked at me and said 'nothing to do with the company'. Now, before this incident he said he was tired anyway. A long time friend said as soon as I said the joke she could see how someone would take it the wrong way and you have to be careful with people you don't know and have just met. I was a member of the group for 3 years and have left it. I have not had anyone fall out like this in the years I have been going to meetup.

Looking back over this night it seemed like these people were quite socially awkward. I wish I had not gone now and waited for the next event when my long time friends would have gone as they are not like this and would have laughed. Was it bad I tried to joke?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 14/12/2021 09:35

I think youre overthinking it. Id go back to the group and act like it never happened. Maybe avoid that joke now of course.
EVERYONE puts their foot in it sometimes. There are worse crimes than telling a bad joke that goes down like a lead balloon. Its easy to place so much importance on these things that other people forget about almost instantly while we wake ourselves up in a cold sweat cringing about some historical faux pas for years, but actually, if you talk to people, weve nearly all done similar. People arent going to hate you for it. You need to go back to your group. If anyone says anything about it, just say "omg yeah, ill be cringing about that one for years, hope I didnt scare him off/glad i didnt scare you off" and move on.
Least said, soonest mended

SlashBeef · 14/12/2021 09:37

Well you're the one losing out now because you've left so 🤷‍♀️ You don't have to beg for forgiveness but you've shot yourself in the foot.

AndARiverBeneathYourFeet · 14/12/2021 09:42

wtf is a meetup group?

Are you in a cult? It might make this thread slightly more interesting.

Cheesefiend36 · 14/12/2021 09:42

OP I think his offence is rooted in the fact that your comment /joke was only aimed at him, in a group setting. You say that you didn't actually think his profile was fake, so ask yourself why you said it to him and only him. Was it because he was the new person? Because if I was him, I'd feel that you said that to me for a laugh at my expense in front of the group because I was an easier target

Generalpost · 14/12/2021 09:47

I think possibly you read him wrong abd thought he would take the joke. But I guess he was ok all the time the group were joking about other people having fake profiles. But when it turned on him he did not like it. Even though it was a joke.

To me it sounds like he's made something out of it that he does not need to. OK you made a joke he was offended you said sorry that should be it

Interrobanger · 14/12/2021 09:48

As soon as I read your OP I thought that he probably did have a fake profile and then acted all defensive because he’s protesting too much!

I wouldn’t worry about it OP. It wasn’t a hilarious joke but I can see the spirit in which it was intended. You weren’t deliberately being a dick. You attempted some friendly ribbing on the wrong person and he massively overreacted and made everything awkward and weird.

No need for you to leave the group.

He’s probably got about ten fake profiles up on there.

Missey85 · 14/12/2021 09:52

Its not a joke if your the only one laughing! Of course you offended the guy why make it personal? He did nothing to you

Dorisspider · 14/12/2021 09:54

Well it was not the best thing to have said. You humiliated him in front of his new peers! It is atotal gaffe.
Of course, people are socially awkward at Meet Ups Its is also for people who may be lonely or isolated.
I am afraid to say, that it may be you that is socially awkward.
Learn from it, is the best advice.
It is good you apologised, as he may remember that bit.
Just remember, send ups are not funny.

madisonbridges · 14/12/2021 09:57

Blinking Harry, if I stopped talking to all the people I've made a flat joke to, I'd have no friends left!
You were just attempting to break the ice and if he took the huff with you over it, that's him being awkward. It's clear from the context it was meant as a joke. When that happens, it's other people's job to smile and put you at your ease. It's just good manners. And also your friend shouldn't have said anything to you but she should have stepped into yours and his conversation and smoothed things over.
Ignore everyone having a go at you, they've just got the covid blues! You've done nothing wrong. Don't give up your friendship group over someone so touchy.

BiBabbles · 14/12/2021 10:02

The audience decides if something is a joke, not the comedian.

You weren't unreasonable to try, but you can't put all the blame on him that the joke flopped.

And surely not taking 'nothing to do with the company' as sincere and leaving the group over this is just as "paranoid" and "over sensitive" as him not understanding your joke. I don't get why you wouldn't take that as genuine as your apology.

appleturnovers · 14/12/2021 10:05

I find the bloke's reaction very strange. I would have taken it as a light-hearted comment, and even if I don't get a joke, or it's not that funny, I have a policy of not assuming bad faith when there's no reason to, because most people aren't tying to be dicks most of the time. Really weird overreaction from him.

That said, it's also a weird overreaction for you to leave the group. Rejoin it! In a couple of weeks no one will remember it, and even if the bloke resents you forever, does it matter? Just speak to everyone else instead.

Ubiquery · 14/12/2021 10:08

I understand why he may have been offended but at the time it never crossed my mind because of the running joke. I won't go back to the group, too much aggro.

You seem to be in two minds. On the one hand you're ashamed of your behaviour and on the other you're blaming him for being too sensitive.

CSJobseeker · 14/12/2021 10:14

A long time friend said as soon as I said the joke she could see how someone would take it the wrong way and you have to be careful with people you don't know and have just met.

I agree with this. You'd only just met him, but you essentially joked that you'd thought he might be a weirdo with a fake profile?

You were essentially saying that his online behaviour was a bit off - maybe sleazy or looking like he had dodgy intentions? It's not really a joke, is it? And if it's not true, it's not a very nice thing to imply. I imagine a genuine man who just wants to meet people and socialise online would be pretty sensitive to what you were saying there.

BoredZelda · 14/12/2021 10:16

Maybe not super-funny but not offensive.

To you. Not offensive to you. Obviously was to this guy.

It seems like a really weird “joke”, but all you can do is apologise and move on.

mam0918 · 14/12/2021 10:23

[quote cakes90]@Justmuddlingalong I understand why he may have been offended but at the time it never crossed my mind because of the running joke. I won't go back to the group, too much aggro.[/quote]
the 'running joke' means nothing because it's an 'in-joke' and he is on the outside, you yourself said he's 'new' and had to ask others what a 'fake profile' was so it was NOT an 'running joke' it was the first-ever time.

You made him the butt of your personal joke which is bullying, how can you not grasp this concept despite several people pointing it out.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/12/2021 10:23

I think a general joke that sometimes profiles are fake or photos are old is fine. Targeting one person is a bit mean. But it's not a big deal. I think you should stick with the group as it's something you enjoy.

Hotchox · 14/12/2021 10:24

If it's not been said already, I reckon a bloke coming on here saying he'd made that joke about a woman new to his hobby group who then left early, and now wasn't sure if he'd judged it right, would have been more or less unanimously slaughtered by now. TBH I'm not sure I would have stuck about long if I'd been nervous about meeting a group, and the first thing someone did was make me the butt of a joke (even if it was a really funny one!)

OP - from what I've read you've tried your best (and then some) so patch things up, but for some people, bad first impressions just aren't salvageable, and I say that as a veteran of setting up a brand new club for people to try something new. You live and learn! Personally, I would go back to the group, having learned the lesson that you pick your moments with new members! - Good luck

KateInHappyland · 14/12/2021 10:27

This probably made him a bit anxious, poor guy.

Not only has he gone to a meet-up with new people, he was then made to feel like something was wrong with his profile and had reason to doubt himself. He’s probably wondering if anyone else thought the same, or if he doesn’t fit in.

I don’t think it was fair to single him out and make the joke at him directly.

Maybe ‘glad we didn’t all turn out to be fake profiles’ or something would be better if it had been an ongoing issue, but don’t ‘accuse’ one person!

mam0918 · 14/12/2021 10:29

@AndARiverBeneathYourFeet

wtf is a meetup group?

Are you in a cult? It might make this thread slightly more interesting.

A meetup group is like a student union activities group but for anyone.

They usually have specific interests (movie club, book club, hiking club, parent club, beer club etc...) and the organise local meet ups anyone can attend.

They are popular for lonely, isolated and awkward people to get out and form new friend groups.

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/12/2021 10:30

OP - ONE person couldn’t take a joke and now you don’t want to go back? That’s an overreaction. It wasn’t the best joke but neither was it offensive unless someone was very sensitive.
To let it ruin the whole atmosphere is horribly socially awkward. Go back and enjoy your long term friends.
I can be sensitive too but if someone apologises the intention is clear. If he’s too paranoid and socially awkward he should stay home and not go to any meet-ups.
Nobody can say that they’ve NEVER said the wrong thing. So why not treat others like you’d want to be treated if you said the wrong thing?

thisplaceisweird · 14/12/2021 10:32

Now you're just being a martyr, go back to the group, pretend like nothing happened and move on. Worst case scenario his feelings have been hurt and he'll get over it, best case scenario people will just realise you have a rubbish sense of humour and will get over it.

limitedperiodonly · 14/12/2021 10:32

Sounds like you were onto something.

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/12/2021 10:34

Also a lot of people can be socially awkward at Meetup - I left a lot of groups for this reason….

Namechangehereandnow · 14/12/2021 10:37

You said something as a ‘joke’ .. not believing his profile was fake .. not adding to the ‘joke’ a funny quip about why you thought it was fake .. Confused Confused - that would have made it a joke.

So basically what you did was actually target him, embarrass him for no reason at all!

You sound socially awkward by your ‘joke’

lottiegarbanzo · 14/12/2021 10:38

A meetup group is like a student union activities group but for anyone.

They usually have specific interests (movie club, book club, hiking club, parent club, beer club etc...) and the organise local meet ups anyone can attend.

They are popular for lonely, isolated and awkward people to get out and form new friend groups.

This is true but they're also good for people who've just moved to a new town and people who are between relationships, looking for ready-made social activity. So, as with many activities and groups, you probably get a constant rapid throughput of socially capable people, who move on to other things and a longer-standing core of slightly awkward, shy or less sociable people.