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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Joke taken the wrong way

213 replies

cakes90 · 13/12/2021 23:05

I went to a meetup group tonight and was having a laugh with a few people I just met. There was a running joke about some of the fake profiles on meetup. I said to one guy as a joke I thought he may have been a fake profile before he came to the event - this is a joke and I never thought that at all. He got really cagey and said there was nothing wrong with his profile. I apologised as I didn't mean anything. I didn't realise he would be offended. There is no way I would want to upset or offend someone.

The atmosphere was tense then, as it was near the end of the night he said he isn't stopping out as he is tired, he looked at me and said 'nothing to do with the company'. Now, before this incident he said he was tired anyway. A long time friend said as soon as I said the joke she could see how someone would take it the wrong way and you have to be careful with people you don't know and have just met. I was a member of the group for 3 years and have left it. I have not had anyone fall out like this in the years I have been going to meetup.

Looking back over this night it seemed like these people were quite socially awkward. I wish I had not gone now and waited for the next event when my long time friends would have gone as they are not like this and would have laughed. Was it bad I tried to joke?

OP posts:

FlamingoQueen · 14/12/2021 06:57

I would have probably said the same thing! I think it’s because I expect people to have a sense of humour!
I’d carry on going to your meet-ups and just remember not to joke with this person again.

FOJN · 14/12/2021 07:05

I’d be thinking he does have other fake profiles online to get so weird about it all. Sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape. Forget about him.

That's what I'd have though too. The pointed comment about leaving, "nothing to do with the company" feels off too. You made a joke, he didn't get it, you apologised, don't think anymore about it. Go back to the group but give him a swerve.

HappyMeal564 · 14/12/2021 07:09

Looking back over this night it seemed like these people were quite socially awkward

To be honest you are sounding more socially awkward than them.

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 07:14

This seems really strange to me.
If you were going to say to someone you thought their profile was fake surely you'd tell them why - because they're really good looking/had no picture/it was really generic/it was really 'out there'. If you just say their profile looks fake it's not surprising he's confused.

Is it a running joke for the group or for the evening?

If it's a running joke for the group it sounds like more of an initiation to see if the newbies react in the right way. Very strange.

It's also weird to accuse him of being sensitive when you're quitting a group you have been in for 3 years because of it.

This one was a complete lack of judgment on your part

Lokdok · 14/12/2021 07:14

I think maybe you're the socially awkward one. It's not the done thing, especially if this is a professional meetup group, and you shouldn't have singled one person out. Maybe they did have some minor falsehood on their profile and you made them feel uncomfortable for that reason, but you'll never know. It's totally unreasonable to leave the group though, why would you do that?

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 14/12/2021 07:26

He made a point of saying that he wasn’t leaving because of the company, and looking at you. My social skills aren’t the best, but I’d take that as him reassuring you that he WASN’T offended?

I can see how your comment would have put him on the back foot, though.

Anomelettefortheroad · 14/12/2021 07:27

It sounds like the sort of thing i would say tbh i don't do well making small talk with people i don't know. Don't stop going to the meet ups just because of him, if it was me id be a bit embarrassed that id said the wrong thing but id go next time my friends were going and style it out. I would actually make an effort to say hello to him next time and see what response you get.

Notajogger · 14/12/2021 07:28

Afterwards he was asking my friend what a fake profile looked like, he seemed really paranoid

If course he seemed paranoid!
You accuse the others if being socially awkward but as other posters have said, it's you who is the socially awkward one here.

TokyoTen · 14/12/2021 07:28

Perhaps he has some fake profiles so got paranoid. Seems an oner reaction on your part though.

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 07:29

@NoBetterthanSheShouldBe

He made a point of saying that he wasn’t leaving because of the company, and looking at you. My social skills aren’t the best, but I’d take that as him reassuring you that he WASN’T offended?

I can see how your comment would have put him on the back foot, though.

It depends how he said it - it might have been sarcastic. I read it that way.

knittingaddict · 14/12/2021 07:29

@thinkingaboutLangCleg

I wouldn’t have taken offence at your lighthearted remark, OP. But I have learnt to be very cautious about joking with strangers. Some people are very prickly. You don’t know how people are going to react.

Don’t beat yourself up about this, though. I wouldn’t leave the group over this. Write it off to experience, and enjoy the next meeting with your friends.

Because it's always the other person's fault that they don't understand your "banter". How ridiculously sensitive of them.

I don't think I'm too sensitive, but I would be a bit confused if a complete stranger singled me out for their running joke. At best it's thoughtless, at worst it's a bit cruel.

The joke wasn't funny, but it was also at the expense of someone else, which is a worse offence. However I don't think op needs to worry about how to interact with this man next time, as I highly doubt it will come back to the group.

Sally872 · 14/12/2021 07:31

The guy is new so didn't get you were joking. Maybe when he said "nothing to do with the company" he was trying to join in with your joke style, or maybe reassure you there was no offence taken.

Massive over reaction to leave the group. You made a tiny error. He may or may not be a bit huffy about it. Try not to worry about it and definitely don't leave a group you enjoy over this tiny negative interaction.

TheFairPrincess · 14/12/2021 07:36

Yeah the problem is like a lot of people my understanding of a "fake profile" is a catfish profile - so in my books meeting something in real life for the first time and saying you thought they might have been fake is a compliment - implying that they appeared too good to exist IRL.

He seems to be insecure in himself to the point where any comment relating to himself, well it seems like he assumes it to automatically be a slight on him.

I think that people should be able to see that as it's a pretty well know cultural reference. Obviously the way you say it can make all the difference but it sounds like it was just an awkward situation all round and it's a shame.

I wouldn't leave a group of long time friends though! Especially when it's so easy to explain why your comment was meant to be flattering/funny and you just missed the mark for this overly sensitive man baby guy. :)

R0tational · 14/12/2021 07:38

I am with you OP!

TheFairPrincess · 14/12/2021 07:38

@TokyoTen

Perhaps he has some fake profiles so got paranoid. Seems an oner reaction on your part though.

ooooh good point!!

Kittykat93 · 14/12/2021 07:39

@CuntAmongstThePigeons

I don't understand why everyone seems to think your joke was designed to make him feel bad. Like you were criticising his appearance, bio etc. Surely its the complete opposite? Everyone knows that fake profiles are generally the ones that sound to good to be true with model esque photos.

I would have take it as a compliment OP!!!!

Either way, try not to worry about it.

This! Does his profile have a really attractive photo op? If not then I don't really get the comment /joke

sashagabadon · 14/12/2021 07:44

It’s an odd thing to take offence over ( unless he does have fake profiles) I wouldn’t care less if someone said that to me ( as I don’t have any fake profiles) so imo it’s him not you and carry on in the group as before but steer clear of him as he seems like hard work,

beastlyslumber · 14/12/2021 07:44

It worries me that people are this stressed out by normal social interactions. Nothing bad happened. A joke went a bit wrong. No big deal.

Not sure why so many posters are overreacting to this insignificant incident either. Maybe we're all just weirded out by the last couple of years of isolation? Anyway, the socially adept thing to do is to completely forget it.

Pippbean · 14/12/2021 07:45

OP, I really don't think you did anything wrong! Especially as you apologised straight away. I've had way worse jokes made at my expense over the years! We all say things that can be misinterpreted sometimes so don't feel bad about it.
I'm sorry, but someone saying that my profile looked fake wouldn't even register as an insult to me 😂😂
This too shall pass. You are braver than I am by putting yourself out there and sometimes you will have bad nights. This is all that was so forgive yourself and I'm sure you'll do better next time ❤️

Fatgalslim · 14/12/2021 08:07

@ViceLikeBlip

I don't understand why so many people on here are so shocked that someone can misjudge a joke! To be fair, in my experience, "banter" type jokes often don't got down well. But I mostly know that FROM EXPERIENCE.

Don't overthink it OP. You misjudged, but I think quite a lot of people would have politely laughed anyway. This guy didn't, so you apologised. Pretty much every single person will have done this at some point 🤷‍♀️

I was just about to say something similar, lot of overrreaction from the guy and from most on here, it was misjudged is all, OP didn't say anything offensive or nasty.

Lighten up people!

Suprima · 14/12/2021 08:07

He is socially awkward and so are a lot of po faced posters.

Saying ‘I thought it was a fake profile’ is a jokey compliment. You are saying someone is so attractive, or so interesting, that you didn’t believe it true.

The fact that he was paranoid, and asking people what a fake profile looks like, shows that he doesn’t get out much.

Frauhubert · 14/12/2021 08:09

I can’t deal with overly sensitive people these days. The joke wasn’t in any way offensive or crossing any lines. Mr sensitive just decided to be offended. Yawn.

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 08:12

The fact that he was paranoid, and asking people what a fake profile looks like, shows that he doesn’t get out much.

Probably because when he does people make mis-placed jokes and make him feel uncomfortable...

I'm sure if she'd have been paying him a compliment she'd have given an explanation, not an apology. The fact she said she didn't actually think his profile was fake is what stands out to me. She made the 'joke' at his expense to make other people laugh and it backfired. She didn't do it to break the ice with him.

godmum56 · 14/12/2021 08:13

"He took it the wrong way"
Dont put the blame on him

Icebreaker99 · 14/12/2021 08:25

I think you overstepped the mark/were too familiar with someone you didn't know. It's one of my pet peeves when someone I just met tries to tease me though I don't mind/find it funny when friends do it. He probably felt nervous coming along and then felt singled out in front of everyone, didn't get/understand the "joke" and didn't know how to react.

If I were you I wouldn't leave the group (though the fact that you did after three years and saying there is too much drama makes me wonder if there is a massive back story of you rubbing people up the wrong way!). Instead I'd send him a message admitting my fault and saying I hope he would come back. It then be slightly awkward the next time but then forgotten about.

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