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Original poster

Joke taken the wrong way

213 replies

cakes90 · 13/12/2021 23:05

I went to a meetup group tonight and was having a laugh with a few people I just met. There was a running joke about some of the fake profiles on meetup. I said to one guy as a joke I thought he may have been a fake profile before he came to the event - this is a joke and I never thought that at all. He got really cagey and said there was nothing wrong with his profile. I apologised as I didn't mean anything. I didn't realise he would be offended. There is no way I would want to upset or offend someone.

The atmosphere was tense then, as it was near the end of the night he said he isn't stopping out as he is tired, he looked at me and said 'nothing to do with the company'. Now, before this incident he said he was tired anyway. A long time friend said as soon as I said the joke she could see how someone would take it the wrong way and you have to be careful with people you don't know and have just met. I was a member of the group for 3 years and have left it. I have not had anyone fall out like this in the years I have been going to meetup.

Looking back over this night it seemed like these people were quite socially awkward. I wish I had not gone now and waited for the next event when my long time friends would have gone as they are not like this and would have laughed. Was it bad I tried to joke?

OP posts:
nosyupnorth · 14/12/2021 10:39

You say its a running joke but this guy was new to the group, how is he supposed to know all of your running jokes? To him it must have seemed like a random remark singling him out and suggesting that he's fake/disingenuous in his profile which was bound to make him uncomfortable. And even if you gave the 'running joke' excuse that just sounds like you're using groupspeak and injokes to deliberately give new people a hard time/exclude them.

Quitting the group over one coversation seems like a dramatic overreaction, are you hoping they'll all come grovelling and apologising for daring to call out your rude behavior and how of course it was 'sparkling wit' and they're just too uptight to see it?

You misjudged the audience for your joke and made a new member feel uncomfortable. Now you're trying to deflect responsibility by saying he was oversensitive and that the group are full of socially awkward people (socially awkward to you apparently meaning anyone who thinks it's wrong to randomly insult newcomers for laughs?)

You can admit the joke was inconsiderate of you and you'll do better in future and shake the whole incident ooff like a reasonable person; or you can sulk and shift the blame to everybody elses reactions rather than your actions, but in the latter case then it sounds like the group is well shot of you.

Panacotta · 14/12/2021 10:40

@beastlyslumber

It worries me that people are this stressed out by normal social interactions. Nothing bad happened. A joke went a bit wrong. No big deal.

Not sure why so many posters are overreacting to this insignificant incident either. Maybe we're all just weirded out by the last couple of years of isolation? Anyway, the socially adept thing to do is to completely forget it.

Wasn't really a "normal social interaction" by the sound of it though, was it?
FabriqueBelgique · 14/12/2021 10:40

Jokes hit wrong sometimes, don’t beat yourself up about it!

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/12/2021 10:40

@Namechangehereandnow

You said something as a ‘joke’ .. not believing his profile was fake .. not adding to the ‘joke’ a funny quip about why you thought it was fake .. Confused Confused - that would have made it a joke.

So basically what you did was actually target him, embarrass him for no reason at all!

You sound socially awkward by your ‘joke’

How did you know OP didn’t do any of that? She said she did try to turn joke back on herself

This is really difficult to turn around but in my groups nobody would have considered it anything other than a joke at all. Also she has already apologised.

IncompleteSenten · 14/12/2021 10:45

Yeah, that's the sort of joke you make with people you know, not someone you're meeting for the first time.
But you've apologised and he's accepted so all you can do is learn from it and separate how you talk with people you know and new people.

Namechangehereandnow · 14/12/2021 10:47

To single out 1 person and say the statement she said, without any referencing it to a joke/what about the profile made her think it was fake, is just not a joke. Simple.

OP has clearly stated exactly what she said. Realising her ‘joke’ was not taken that way and then trying to turn it around to include herself, shows nothing further was ever added to make it a ‘joke’.

An apology does not alter what she did.

Bortles · 14/12/2021 10:50

Mountains out of molehills. It wasn't 'funny' but it was lighthearted and not said in a mean spirit. He took it in the wrong way. Either he cannot laugh at anything directed towards himself (some people are like this and take themselves too seriously/are terribly fragile) or, there actually were some bits of fakery on his profile and he panicked.
Not a reason for you to leave the group OP.

supermoonrising · 14/12/2021 10:54

Mountain molehill

Bortles · 14/12/2021 10:54

@beastlyslumber I agree! Is this how humans are evolving? How will they exist outside of their own homes, their own heads without constant reassurance and ego-stroking? It's exhausting. The op's issue is a non-issue. She should have taken it as one. If he can't, it's pretty tragic.

Enough4me · 14/12/2021 11:02

OP, the posters telling you that you have been really mean are OTT. Your intentions were not to be horrible, you apologised, it's over.

Go back and identify the people who you connect with and enjoy your time with the group.

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 11:05

@Namechangehereandnow

To single out 1 person and say the statement she said, without any referencing it to a joke/what about the profile made her think it was fake, is just not a joke. Simple.

OP has clearly stated exactly what she said. Realising her ‘joke’ was not taken that way and then trying to turn it around to include herself, shows nothing further was ever added to make it a ‘joke’.

An apology does not alter what she did.

I'm so glad someone else is seeing this!!!
Bloodypunkrockers · 14/12/2021 11:08

I'm just marketplace in the hope someone explains why this "joke" was even mildly amusing

notacooldad · 14/12/2021 11:11

I did try and turn it round on me but he was not interested
It's too late then.

Looking back over this night it seemed like these people were quite socially awkward
So what if they are? Youve taken the piss out of someone you hadnt met before in front of others with a really unfunny ' joke' and you think they are the problem?🤔

Enough4me · 14/12/2021 11:14

I'd definitely use it as a joke if I was with a group of people on a social event talking about dating profiles. I would joke about my own profile, profiles in general, the whole weird first messages thing and would not single a person out unless I knew they shared my sense of humour.

I think the OP didn't know her audience and selected one person, but has reflected on this so time to move on. We learn through our mistakes.

Fireatseaparks · 14/12/2021 11:15

@cakes90 - can you explain the Joe a bit more?

As it stands, without any context, it doesn't seem either funny or unfunny - you said you thought his profile was fake, because sometimes meetup groups get fake members.

What's the rest, what do the fake members normally join for? Was there anything about his profile that made you think it was fake? If so, what? If not, what's the joke?

Help us out.

Fireatseaparks · 14/12/2021 11:16

Joke*

CuntAmongstThePigeons · 14/12/2021 11:24

Covid has obviously just made many people very isolated and insecure and unable to interact normally. I think its really sad.

I've made snippier/meaner/more personal jokes to people I've met in the queue at the post office or the bus stop and they've laughed and we've had a good time together.

You would expect someone turning up to a specific event to meet others and make friends would be more light hearted, open to joking, he just sounds like really hard work.

Also agree that you perhaps touched a nerve and something about his profile, is faked/exaggerated. Otherwise what an over reaction.

AnnieJ1985 · 14/12/2021 11:34

I picture it as something like
*general chat among the group, fake profiles come up, lighthearted conversation about not being sure if a profile is real etc

  • the man in question isn't part of the conversation, or not paying attention or whatever
  • OP turns to him and makes what they think is lighthearted comment along the lines of "oh I wasn't sure your profile would turn out to be a real person hahaha"
  • Other man didn't get the joke (which wasn't IMO hilariously funny or offensive, just a throw away comment) and it got awkward trying to explain it to him (not his fault, or OPs really, just one of those things)
  • Evening was coming to an end anyway, but it ended a bit "off"

I don't see why people are saying its too late to apologise/backtrack after making the comment. What do you expect OP to do, they can't turn back time?

Sometimes jokes aren't funny, they fall flat, you mis-read a situation or the person on receiving end doesn't get what you mean - you can end up making it worse by trying to explain something that wasn't a big deal to start with. If the man is upset by it, it wasn't the OPs intention, while I think we should be considerate of others feelings and apologise if we upset someone.

NewPapaGuinea · 14/12/2021 12:10

There’s always an element of truth to a joke. Why did you think/suggest his profile was fake?

Flowers500 · 14/12/2021 12:15

To be really honest here, it sounds like everyone involved is not 10/10 for social skills. And that’s fine, you’re in a group for people who want to meet other people, it’s what should be expected.

People make misjudged jokes all the time, there was nothing terrible said and at most it should have just fallen flat. However the way you have reacted is so over the top it suggests your reading of the situation was poor. Likewise his reaction suggests he wasn’t able to read that it was intended as a lighthearted and friendly comment. So misunderstandings all round.

The fact you seemingly want to sulk, tantrum your way out of the group or ignore him suggests your accusation of them being socially awkward is something that could be pointed your way too. These groups sound like a good opportunity to work on social skills so maybe think of it that way, a chance to learn to get along with him?

I’m guessing people in this scenario aren’t all NT?

Saoirsesersha · 14/12/2021 12:20

I’d take it as a compliment
I don’t see what the issue is to be honest

Marvellousmadness · 14/12/2021 12:26

....
Nothing happened
You made a joke
He was being way too precious about it
And your "friends" are... well.. not your friends..

You apologised. Now keep your head up. And keep walking. And surround yourself with people whom aren't so easily offended and pedantic about things

notanothertakeaway · 14/12/2021 12:34

@ComtesseDeSpair

Look at it from his perspective: it’s his first time at a meeting trying to make new friends, and a complete stranger has just told him, out of nowhere, that there’s something about the way he looks in his photo or what he’s written about himself in his profile which comes across as fake / weird / suspicious.

It’s not exactly flattering, is it? Especially if he’s already feeling a bit self conscious because it’s his first time at a meeting. And it isn’t funny. And if you’ve only just met him, he doesn’t know it’s a “running joke.”

It’s a bit precious to delete yourself from the group over it, though. Can’t you just avoid him and focus on the others you do know?

I agree with @ComtesseDeSpair

OP, I actually don't really understand how you intended your comment to be funny. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you meant his profile seemed too good to be true ie attractive, high achiever, interesting hobbies, whatever

But, with hindsight, can't you see how this could be taken the other way? Many people would interpret your comment as saying there was something strange about his profile

Put yourself in his shoes. Imagine you posted your photo on this thread, and people joked that they thought it wasn't real. How would you feel?

notanothertakeaway · 14/12/2021 12:39

If I go back I will avoid him as I can't be walking on eggshells all the time with people in fear of saying something wrong

OP, you don't seem very remorseful

Are you by any chance someone who makes comments like "I'm a marmite person. People love me or hate me?" If so, please know that it's not a good look

StEval · 14/12/2021 12:43

Ouch!
Op you have crossed a boundary here.
He is a stranger to you and you made a " joke"
But it sounds more like you were picking on him and expecting everyone to roar with laughter.
Not very nice.
You know it wasnt very nice , hence the flounce and strop.
You messed up, apologise and learn from it, move on.