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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow parents to drink alcohol on xmas day?

267 replies

Lima1 · 13/12/2021 14:31

I know it is my decision at the end of it but just wondering what people think as I am not sure if I am going too far.

We have always has issues with alcohol in my family. I married a man that doesn't drink and I rarely drink.

The routine for Christmas over the past few years is that myself, DH and kids (10,12 and 13) have dinner at home on our own. We go to my sister's house about 5pm for 2 hours (she lives 10 mins drive away). My parents have dinner in her house so when we leave my sister's we bring my parents back to our house for the evening and DH drives them home at 11pm (45 min round trip)

I am fed up with this arrangement and it doesn't suit us. First of all I hate having to leave my house at 5pm to go to sister's house. By that time we have cleared up after dinner and are just sitting down in front of the fire relaxing. I love going to my sister's normally but her house is chaos on Christmas day. Food everywhere, toys and wrapping paper everywhere. I am tired from a long day at this stage and don't be in form for it.

My parents will have been drinking during the day in her house so they cant drive. They come back to our house from about 7-11pm. It doesn't work as we are all in the one sitting room, the kids want to watch a movie and my parents keep talking over it. The kids go to bed about 9pm and my parents want to stay, having a drink, playing cards, watching tv. Myself and dh just want to chill and go to bed early as we have usually been up since 6am. Then DH has to drive them home.

My parents don't get on and with drink taken the tension gets worse, they make snippy comments to each other, argue about when to leave (dad always wants to go home early but mam complains that she doesn't want to go home to a cold house early on CD..)

They want to do the same again this year but I want to tell them that they are welcome to come over whenever they want but I am not leaving my house all day and I don't want anyone drinking alcohol.

They will have to make their own way over and home. Essentially this will mean that if they want to come to me they cant have been drinking beforehand (as will have to drive) and they cant drink in my house.
I have had many Christmases ruined as a child because of them fighting with drink. I literally start dreading CD from mid November as it is all geared around them, getting them to my house, entertaining them and getting them home.

To be fair to them I haven't told them before that it is a problem, I just silently seethed but I need to put a stop to it as it isn't fair on my family.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Bigoldhag · 13/12/2021 14:34

I don’t think I’d ban alcohol but I would make it clear that there will be no lifts given and they need to be sorted if required beforehand.

But to be honest, you need to knock seeing them on the head, they sound awful.

ChangeChingyChange · 13/12/2021 14:34

YANBU but don't phrase it like that - you can't tell them whether to drink or not.

Instead say "yes its fine but you'll need to make your own way as DH is having a drink this year/doesn't fancy driving anymore on CD and wants to chill" etc etc whatever lie works for you. OR have covid symptoms and stay at home just your family and they can all stay at your sisters.

iloveredpandas · 13/12/2021 14:35

Same as above just say you are staying home and won't do lifts. Hopefully that would deter them anyway

ReeseWitherfork · 13/12/2021 14:35

I think being opening about what timings suit you and telling them you're not driving them around is completely reasonable. If the 7-11 doesn't work then nothing crazy about that. Telling them they can drink is a little trickier; I don't see anything wrong with you asking them not to drink in your house but I wouldn't expect it to be without drama.

shouldistop · 13/12/2021 14:36

Strange way to phrase it. You're not banning them from drinking, you're just saying you're not giving them lifts.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 13/12/2021 14:36

Honestly with people like this it might be best to tell them this year you aren’t driving as you’ll be having a drink yourselves.

If they’re drinkers they’ll understand the want/need to have drink. They won’t understand why you refuse to ferry them round if you’re sober.

thinkfast · 13/12/2021 14:37

That does sound hard work. Can you suggest an alternative which works for you instead? Would it work for you to invite them for lunch on Boxing Day? No need to serve alcohol with the lunch if you don't drink it. You could frame it as we'd really love to see you for a meal instead of just an evening - especially as we're so tired by Christmas Day evening.

CoffeeRunner · 13/12/2021 14:37

I think just don't invite them to your house & don't visit your sister.

You are perfectly entitled to spend a quiet, calm day at home with no alcohol but you really can't dictate whether or not your parents drink before they arrive with you or not.

When they visit who buys the alcohol? Is it a case of if non is provided then they won't have a choice of what to drink?

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 13/12/2021 14:38

It's not about the drink so much as you committing to another xmas day you won't enjoy .

I'd be inclined to say , see you boxing day ! Or if it causes too many rows .... maybe you could be waiting for the results of your PCR tests .....? ;-)

Hemingwayscatz · 13/12/2021 14:38

I’d personally tell them you’ll visit them Christmas Eve or Boxing Day but just want to have the actual day at home alone because it works better for you.

dementedpixie · 13/12/2021 14:40

Just tell them you'll see them on boxing day instead

Icenii · 13/12/2021 14:41

How about suggesting that you want to stay at home this year so they come to you the time you use to go to your sisters, then they make their own way home so you can have your nice evening? They can decline.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/12/2021 14:42

Why don’t you have them in the morning when everyone is nice and fresh instead?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/12/2021 14:42

Or Boxing Day as others have suggested

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 13/12/2021 14:42

Can you host them and your sister on Boxing Day instead? Maybe a bit late for this year, but going forward. It sounds very rushed. I don't know too many people who see family on Christmas Day unless they are spending all day with them. It's usually the 24th or 26th.

TitoMojito · 13/12/2021 14:42

I would ban the family rather than the alcohol. They just sound exhausting.

RachelTheRedNosedReindeer · 13/12/2021 14:45

@Bigoldhag

I don’t think I’d ban alcohol but I would make it clear that there will be no lifts given and they need to be sorted if required beforehand.

But to be honest, you need to knock seeing them on the head, they sound awful.

First post said what I was planning to!

You can't ban them drinking, but don't give them any lifts. If they refuse to come over then that's a bonus 🤭

Original poster
Lima1 · 13/12/2021 14:45

Thanks for the replies. DH doesnt drink at all so they know he is "available" to drive them so that wouldnt work.

They bring their own alcohol to the house so if they visit I would have to tell them not to bring any.

It is definitely about the drink too! I am on tenderhooks when they drink as it aggravates the tension between them. I am literally like a cat on hot coals all evening waiting for the snarky comments to each other. Even if they behave I cant relax as I am waiting for it. This is always the way.

I did think that I could be isolating on CD but I have next year and all the following years to consider.
My sister dreads them too but her house is much bigger (kitchen, sun room and 2 sitting rooms) to get away from them and keep them away from each other, in my house we are all in the same room.
She would also know I was lying if I conveniently had to isolate over Christmas :)

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 13/12/2021 14:46

You can't ban them from drinking. I'd just tell them not to come tbh. Tell them you're exhausted and want it just to be immediate family. I also grew up in a household where alcohol threatened to ruin many Christmases and I took a decision not to be around my parents. But you can't stop them drinking.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2021 14:46

Bypass the whole drama and tell them you're not having anyone over after your sister's house. You're tired, overworked, whatever. Job done.

RachelTheRedNosedReindeer · 13/12/2021 14:47

Tell them he got a driving ban! Or your car is broken. Or something.

Or could you meet for coffee in the morning before they've had a chance to get drunk? Just say you're overworked and exhausted and need an early night, and so do the kids.

Original poster
Lima1 · 13/12/2021 14:49

We go to them on BD which is fine as I can leave when I want and they usually stay in separate rooms (dad watches tv in kitchen and the rest of us go to sitting room).

I have asked her a few times to come to us early on in the day but she insists she has to go to my sister's for dinner as she needs her help.

The real reason is that my sister and her DH will have had a few drinks and cannot drive them home that night which is why she wants to spend the evening with us - so my DH can drive them home.

OP posts:
GemmaRuby · 13/12/2021 14:49

You can’t ban them from drinking.
But you can say you’re not leaving your house and suggest seeing them on Boxing Day instead.

Or you could invite them round for a couple of hours in the morning before they go to your sister’s for lunch… hopefully won’t be so drunk then.

sadpapercourtesan · 13/12/2021 14:49

How would they react if you told them that their drinking - and their behaviour when drinking - was a problem for you? Do they know it causes unpleasantness for everyone else? Do they not care?

If my adult child said that to me, I would be mortified, of course, but I would modify my behaviour, because I love my family and don't want to be the cause of a ruined Christmas for the people I love. If that isn't how your parents would respond, then you've got bigger problems than the drinking - there's also selfishness, denial and an utter lack of manners. In which case the answer is not to see them at Christmas. You matter too!

Mrsjayy · 13/12/2021 14:50

Can you go to your sisters and then just drive your parents home just say you are all having an early night so if they want a lift then you can do it from your sisters

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