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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow parents to drink alcohol on xmas day?

267 replies

Lima1 · 13/12/2021 14:31

I know it is my decision at the end of it but just wondering what people think as I am not sure if I am going too far.

We have always has issues with alcohol in my family. I married a man that doesn't drink and I rarely drink.

The routine for Christmas over the past few years is that myself, DH and kids (10,12 and 13) have dinner at home on our own. We go to my sister's house about 5pm for 2 hours (she lives 10 mins drive away). My parents have dinner in her house so when we leave my sister's we bring my parents back to our house for the evening and DH drives them home at 11pm (45 min round trip)

I am fed up with this arrangement and it doesn't suit us. First of all I hate having to leave my house at 5pm to go to sister's house. By that time we have cleared up after dinner and are just sitting down in front of the fire relaxing. I love going to my sister's normally but her house is chaos on Christmas day. Food everywhere, toys and wrapping paper everywhere. I am tired from a long day at this stage and don't be in form for it.

My parents will have been drinking during the day in her house so they cant drive. They come back to our house from about 7-11pm. It doesn't work as we are all in the one sitting room, the kids want to watch a movie and my parents keep talking over it. The kids go to bed about 9pm and my parents want to stay, having a drink, playing cards, watching tv. Myself and dh just want to chill and go to bed early as we have usually been up since 6am. Then DH has to drive them home.

My parents don't get on and with drink taken the tension gets worse, they make snippy comments to each other, argue about when to leave (dad always wants to go home early but mam complains that she doesn't want to go home to a cold house early on CD..)

They want to do the same again this year but I want to tell them that they are welcome to come over whenever they want but I am not leaving my house all day and I don't want anyone drinking alcohol.

They will have to make their own way over and home. Essentially this will mean that if they want to come to me they cant have been drinking beforehand (as will have to drive) and they cant drink in my house.
I have had many Christmases ruined as a child because of them fighting with drink. I literally start dreading CD from mid November as it is all geared around them, getting them to my house, entertaining them and getting them home.

To be fair to them I haven't told them before that it is a problem, I just silently seethed but I need to put a stop to it as it isn't fair on my family.
AIBU?

OP posts:
diddl · 13/12/2021 15:59

I'm sure it's difficult to change things when they have gone on so long, but your poor husband & kids having to put up with drunk bickering ILs/Gps year in year out.

What would they like to do?

minniep · 13/12/2021 16:01

OP I feel your pain. We used to have something similar. I'd start by making small changes. Definitely finish up the entire evening after your sisters . Drop your parents home after your sisters house. Be kind but firm and say that you need time to relax and want an early night on Christmas night.
We now call a taxi for my parents at five or six and we can all just relax for the evening.

FetchezLaVache · 13/12/2021 16:03

Don't feel guilty. You do realise that the only reason your parents want to come to yours on CD is so they can spend all day drinking and get a free lift home, don't you?

They spoiled your Christmases as a child and that's really sad. What's sadder still is that you're allowing them to spoil your children's Christmases, too.

Ragruggers · 13/12/2021 16:03

You don’t have to put up with this behaviour.You are an adult with your own family.Be strong say we are at home this year and enjoy your day with the children.Itis not your problem let them get on with it,they can drink themselves under the table at home you do not have to witness any of this.It is your choice your husband must be a saint putting up with this rubbish every year.Make this year different they sound awful.

Kazziek · 13/12/2021 16:03

Does your DH have any family that you could visit instead?

justasking111 · 13/12/2021 16:05

Do a boxing Day brunch, full breakfast, bacon egg sausage beans toast at around noon they'll enjoy that more. Frankly I'm pooped by late afternoon on Christmas day after present opening meal and just want to relax

Lockdowninfinity · 13/12/2021 16:08

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MintyGreenDream · 13/12/2021 16:08

Dh has hurt his foot what a shame now he can't drive

Chocolatewheatos · 13/12/2021 16:10

If you tell them you're not taxiing them about then they can't drink because they have to drive home so just leave it at that. Tell them you'll be settling down at 6pm so don't want any guests after then and they're welcome the rest of the day and leave them to it.

SallyWD · 13/12/2021 16:10

I don't think you can tell 2 adults not to drink on Christmas day (even though I understand why you hate it so much). If they're determined to drink they could always get a taxi. I think it's a much better idea to say you're having a quiet family Christmas Day at home this year as you've all been feeling tired and run down and don't want to spend the day driving around. This way you can really relax and enjoy Christmas day for once. Instead say you'll host on Boxing Day or the 27th or whatever day suits you. You could invite your sister and family over too so you see them all in one go. Cook a simple meal, exchange gifts and just grit your teeth and bear it but keep Christmas Day to yourselves!

Mommabear20 · 13/12/2021 16:14

Simply say your house is now a dry zone, so please don't bring any alcohol. We're also having a quiet Christmas at home this year, you're welcome to come round if you wish as we'll be in all day.

You can't control if they drink at your sisters house though so have to accept that they may have already had a drink there if they do then come to you

Mellowyellow222 · 13/12/2021 16:16

Missing the point of the thread - but that’s really early for kids of that age to go to bed on Christmas day.

I assume it’s because they want to avoid their grandparents?

I think introduce a new tradition- invite them for Boxing Day instead. Be very clear that Christmas day doesn’t work for you anymore, how that the kids are older

AmyDudley · 13/12/2021 16:17

*The problem is my parents pretty much cant stand each other and therefore want to be in someone elses house all CD as they hate being together!

My sister doesnt want me in her house christmas morning. She has 5 children so that would be 8 children and 6 adults in her house. She gets stressed about dinner and would find it too much.
I would host them all but they wouldn't leave their own house.*

So every year no one else has been backward coming forward about what they want, and you;ve been expected to do somethng you don;t want to do to meet thier needs. Why? - Why have you put yourself at the bottom of the list of priorities. Your sister doesn't want to leave her house - fine, but she can;t make you go there. You;re parents don;t want to be alone together because they don;t get on - OK, but why do you have to have them at your house ?, they can either go to a hotel, or make an effort not to bicker. These people have options but they assume you will bend to everyone else's will, you will spend one of your few days off having a lousy time, your children can;t watch their films, your husband has to ferry people around.

In words of Zammo - just say no.
This year we will be spending Christmas day at home just us and the children, we prefer it that way.
We don;t want to drive about, DH doesn;t want to spend his day being a taxi service, we are tired by the evening and just want to relax in our own space.
And I would add (because I think one should be upfront and not make up rubbish about covid etc.) and we don;t like drinking in our house.

We don't drink, and when you drink Mum and Dad you snipe at each other and make a horrible atmosphere, its very unpleasant for everyone and we want to enjoy our day.
Happy to see you for lunch on Boxing day, or coffee and cake at New Year.

Set your boundary, stick to it, stop dancing to their miserable squabbling tune, and have a lovely Christmas.

And of course people can say no alcohol in my house, its your house you do as you please. If people can't manage not to drink for a few hours then they can go to a pub instead.

godmum56 · 13/12/2021 16:18

@MintyGreenDream

Dh has hurt his foot what a shame now he can't drive
I don't think lying helps
Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/12/2021 16:18

I think I will just say that I am finding the day too long each year - kids up early, etc. I only have 3 days off over christmas and am tired. I will say that they can come over in the morning/stay for dinner but I wont be going to my sister and will likely have an early night
I will make it clear that them coming over in the evening is too late and I am not asking DH to drive them home

Sounds perfect, except she may insist she'll "do all the work so you can relax". It won't happen of course, so you may have to fall back on just being too tired to host and stick to it

Also beware of the danger of her begging/pressurising some random to drive them - it happened with my own late, exMIL - after telling them just how mean you are

Sometimes a firm decision and clear response works best, and after all you'll see them on Boxing Day anyway

ivykaty44 · 13/12/2021 16:19

Ask them round for a cup of coffee tea in the morning - as your doing things differently this year - otherwise see them Boxing Day lunch time

trying to cram in seeing to many people on xmas day just spoils it

keep the day for yourselves and tel others you'll see them over the bank holidays

lovemelongtime · 13/12/2021 16:19

Just keep it to the boxing day - more than enough - and if they want to see you on CD the come in the morning - perhaps even offer to pick them up in the morning and then take them to your sis before lunch - job done and you can relax

Cocomelons · 13/12/2021 16:20

I'd invite them to come for Christmas brunch. Drop them off at your sisters at midday, only ten minutes for you and then let them have the rest of the day at your sisters where they can have a drink and let them worry about how to get home or stay over at your sisters. Just say you're spending the rest of the day at home

WallaceinAnderland · 13/12/2021 16:20

You are making this so much more complicated than it needs to be. Just say you are not having visitors this year and you'll see them on Boxing Day.

chaosmaker · 13/12/2021 16:21

Stay at home for xmas day and just do boxing day with them instead and tell them they ruin xmas every year for you with their drinking. I can't be bothered with the entitlement of drinkers and that alcohol is expected due to uk 'culture'....

Mistletoeandwhineing · 13/12/2021 16:23

I think if you’re seeing them on Boxing Day anyway, there’s no issue? You could say we see you then anyway and we’re tired and want a day at home relaxing

Coconuttts · 13/12/2021 16:23

100% change the routine. Go over to your sisters before Xmas lunch, swap presents, leave. OR have your parents for Xmas Dinner this year, then take them to your sisters or home. Then relax in the evening. Or do it Xmas eve. Don't do it boxing day - this is a day to chill after Xmas day, and not rush around pleasing everyone.

Beautiful3 · 13/12/2021 16:24

Why don't you have a break from them, this year! Just say you and your husband feel unwell, or the cars not working so won't be seeing them until boxing day. You don't have to go to your sisters house, nor do you have to bring them home, to watch them drink and fight. Only to drive them home late at night! It's crazy. They're being so selfish!

ifonly4 · 13/12/2021 16:27

You can't stop them drinking xmas day, but it's selfish on their part expecting someone else to drive them home. I'd be temped to say you just want to relax at home this year, as you've found it very tiring in the past having to turn out at teatime.

Coffeepot72 · 13/12/2021 16:27

It's not about the drink so much as you committing to another xmas day you won't enjoy .

Indeed