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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow parents to drink alcohol on xmas day?

267 replies

Lima1 · 13/12/2021 14:31

I know it is my decision at the end of it but just wondering what people think as I am not sure if I am going too far.

We have always has issues with alcohol in my family. I married a man that doesn't drink and I rarely drink.

The routine for Christmas over the past few years is that myself, DH and kids (10,12 and 13) have dinner at home on our own. We go to my sister's house about 5pm for 2 hours (she lives 10 mins drive away). My parents have dinner in her house so when we leave my sister's we bring my parents back to our house for the evening and DH drives them home at 11pm (45 min round trip)

I am fed up with this arrangement and it doesn't suit us. First of all I hate having to leave my house at 5pm to go to sister's house. By that time we have cleared up after dinner and are just sitting down in front of the fire relaxing. I love going to my sister's normally but her house is chaos on Christmas day. Food everywhere, toys and wrapping paper everywhere. I am tired from a long day at this stage and don't be in form for it.

My parents will have been drinking during the day in her house so they cant drive. They come back to our house from about 7-11pm. It doesn't work as we are all in the one sitting room, the kids want to watch a movie and my parents keep talking over it. The kids go to bed about 9pm and my parents want to stay, having a drink, playing cards, watching tv. Myself and dh just want to chill and go to bed early as we have usually been up since 6am. Then DH has to drive them home.

My parents don't get on and with drink taken the tension gets worse, they make snippy comments to each other, argue about when to leave (dad always wants to go home early but mam complains that she doesn't want to go home to a cold house early on CD..)

They want to do the same again this year but I want to tell them that they are welcome to come over whenever they want but I am not leaving my house all day and I don't want anyone drinking alcohol.

They will have to make their own way over and home. Essentially this will mean that if they want to come to me they cant have been drinking beforehand (as will have to drive) and they cant drink in my house.
I have had many Christmases ruined as a child because of them fighting with drink. I literally start dreading CD from mid November as it is all geared around them, getting them to my house, entertaining them and getting them home.

To be fair to them I haven't told them before that it is a problem, I just silently seethed but I need to put a stop to it as it isn't fair on my family.
AIBU?

OP posts:
jessnoah · 13/12/2021 15:08

I'd ask them if they could come round in the morning if you're up early, say 9-11 before they go to your sister's for lunch. You could 'host' a small brunch but make it nice and easy on yourself with pastries and toast. That way everything is done and out the way and you have the rest of the day to enjoy yourselves.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/12/2021 15:08

Ideal time to stop as presumably you didn’t all meet last year due to covid.
I’d speak to sister and say you are going to stay at home this year can you arrange a different day to meet up.
Then tell parents. Say you are going to have a chilled evening in pjs watching a film.
You’ll see them Boxing Day.
Make it clear free DH taxi isn’t happening and I bet that solves it - like you suspect they come for the free lift home.

Offmyfence · 13/12/2021 15:09

@RachelTheRedNosedReindeer

Tell them he got a driving ban! Or your car is broken. Or something.

Or could you meet for coffee in the morning before they've had a chance to get drunk? Just say you're overworked and exhausted and need an early night, and so do the kids.

Tell them he got a driving ban........ really?

Just tell them you're not up for lifts, making up ridiculous lies makes it look like you are in the wrong and making and you're not, so just be honest.

KaleJuicer · 13/12/2021 15:10

Agree with PP you don't need to institute an alcohol ban. Just be clear that you're not providing lifts and make whatever other tweaks necessary to make the day more enjoyable for you.

We realised a few years ago that paying a few quid for an uber on christmas day made things much more enjoyable!

LookItsMeAgain · 13/12/2021 15:10

Why can't you visit your sister on Christmas day before they eat and then just leave? Your parents can stay and have their Christmas dinner and you get to go home and have your own Christmas dinner in your own home (also gives you the excuse to have to leave as you have to rescue the turkey from the oven) and if you want to spend more time with your parents, you can visit them in their house on Boxing Day?

FoxgloveSummers · 13/12/2021 15:11

Is there a reason you can't join them for Christmas Dinner at your sisters? Then you can go home afterwards to a lovely clean house having done your duty and enjoy the evening.

Obviously offer to chip in and/or bring dishes for dinner.

I'd want them nowhere near my house tbh.

RachelTheRedNosedReindeer · 13/12/2021 15:11

@Offmyfence

No not really! I was joking

Viviennemary · 13/12/2021 15:11

You can't stop them drinking but take them back to their own house. Say you all need an early night.

FoxgloveSummers · 13/12/2021 15:13

I also think having them over for breakfast ("come and see the kids open their stockings!") or visiting your sister's house in the morning is a good idea, if you don't want to give up the idea of having your own christmas dinner at home.

WheekestLink · 13/12/2021 15:13

I'm not sure why you can't say they can't drink alcohol in your home.

If drinking alcohol makes them argue, then they shouldn't drink alcohol. Obviously they're not going to stop, but I'd make it clear that their fights are not welcome at your house but they themselves are welcome.

Sometimes it is forgotten that alcohol is a drug. You would be well within your rights to refuse them access to cocaine at your house and you can do the same for alcohol.

I say this as an addict who has been sober for 8 years.

Skeumorph · 13/12/2021 15:13

@Lima1

Thanks for all the responses. I have gotten myself into this situation because this is what we have done for years so it is expected now.

I do also feel guilty about my sister being landed with them all day but I cant do it just to relieve her of the pressure when she wont stand up to them.

I think I will just say that I am finding the day too long each year - kids up early, etc. I only have 3 days off over christmas and am tired. I will say that they can come over in the morning/stay for dinner but I wont be going to my sister and will likely have an early night.

I will make it clear that them coming over in the evening is too late and I am not asking DH to drive them home.

I will see how they react to that and take it from there.

Thanks so much for all the suggestions x

Blame the kids.

They want to do it differently, they want a family day at home, so do you, you're tired.

The brunch is a great idea - especially as the parents hopefully won't be drunk by then!

Equallyconfusing · 13/12/2021 15:13

Good luck, keep us posted

Original poster
Lima1 · 13/12/2021 15:15

The problem is my parents pretty much cant stand each other and therefore want to be in someone elses house all CD as they hate being together!

My sister doesnt want me in her house christmas morning. She has 5 children so that would be 8 children and 6 adults in her house. She gets stressed about dinner and would find it too much.
I would host them all but they wouldn't leave their own house.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 13/12/2021 15:15

I dare say they won't come to your house,if you tell them they cannot drink alcohol when visitng. Who would wan't all the hassle on Christmas day.

Ruibies · 13/12/2021 15:16

Good luck OP! It's always hard to break the mould but once you have I think you'll feel better, even if a few feathers are ruffled at first. I'm spending Christmas for the first time since 2016 with my family this year, also because of an alcohol issue, and my mum is well aware that if they cannot keep their shit together this year then I won't be coming back. It's hard to tell family that their drinking upsets you, but it's so much nicer to not dread that Christmas atmosphere. I hope you're able to have the Christmas you want!!

Capricopia · 13/12/2021 15:17

YANBU - sounds like a terrible arrangement for you!

I would honestly just tell them you’re having a small Christmas of just you and your kids this year, and make plans to see them another day around Christmas instead.

TeeBee · 13/12/2021 15:19

@Lima1

The problem is my parents pretty much cant stand each other and therefore want to be in someone elses house all CD as they hate being together!

My sister doesnt want me in her house christmas morning. She has 5 children so that would be 8 children and 6 adults in her house. She gets stressed about dinner and would find it too much.
I would host them all but they wouldn't leave their own house.

None of that is your issue to deal with.

If your sister finds it all too stressful, she also needs to stand up for herself and draw her own boundaries. You're drawing yours. Your parents' shitty relationship shouldn't be anyone else's problem to deal with.

dementedpixie · 13/12/2021 15:21

I think you and your sister should just tell them they can stay at home and drink and bicker in their own house. Dont think either of you should put up with their behaviour

lockdownalli · 13/12/2021 15:22

I will say that they can come over in the morning/stay for dinner but I wont be going to my sister and will likely have early night

But don't they have dinner with your sister? Why would you do this? They will still drink and still want to be ferried around.

How are you going to get rid of them before 11pm?

I just don't understand why you don't think Boxing Day is enough? If they are a bit miffed/really upset well that's a shame but why are you prioritising their needs over those of yourself, your DH and your DC?

CoffeeRunner · 13/12/2021 15:23

Your plan sounds good OP. If you are seeing family on Boxing Day anyway it seems totally reasonable to want a quiet Christmas Day.

Do you think your parents would ever seperate? It seems quite an unhappy life for them both TBH. Can't stand their spouse & using excess alcohol as a coping strategy.

Caspianberg · 13/12/2021 15:24

I would say your finding it too late and so your now suggesting they come to you for breakfast and then off to your sisters for dinner. You can then still go to sisters for 1-2 hrs at 5ish like you used to, but make it clear they will need to make own way home as no lifts

If you invite for breakfast 8.30-11ish. They can’t drink that much before lunch surely so avoids alcohol issue as well. Do nice breakfast together, gifts if you do, then off out for a walk so everyone isn’t cooped up in one room. Back for hot drinks and off they go to your sisters as usual.

FoxgloveSummers · 13/12/2021 15:24

I wouldn't invite them for dinner at yours without checking with your sister, and I'd be willing to bet it just means more terrible time with them in your house.

Agree with others I'd just leave or drop them home after visiting your sisters - don't let them in your door.

Embracelife · 13/12/2021 15:25

the problem is my parents pretty much cant stand each other and therefore want to be in someone elses house all CD as they hate being together!

Their problem
Not yours
If they cannot divorce
It s not your problem

Gretaburley · 13/12/2021 15:27

If it was me I would tell them you're having a quiet Christmas with no visitors this year.
And tell them the reason.
Why should you have to put up with tension just because they can't behave after a drink.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/12/2021 15:29

@Lima1

Thanks for all the responses. I have gotten myself into this situation because this is what we have done for years so it is expected now.

I do also feel guilty about my sister being landed with them all day but I cant do it just to relieve her of the pressure when she wont stand up to them.

I think I will just say that I am finding the day too long each year - kids up early, etc. I only have 3 days off over christmas and am tired. I will say that they can come over in the morning/stay for dinner but I wont be going to my sister and will likely have an early night.

I will make it clear that them coming over in the evening is too late and I am not asking DH to drive them home.

I will see how they react to that and take it from there.

Thanks so much for all the suggestions x

That seems like the best plan.