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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow parents to drink alcohol on xmas day?

267 replies

Lima1 · 13/12/2021 14:31

I know it is my decision at the end of it but just wondering what people think as I am not sure if I am going too far.

We have always has issues with alcohol in my family. I married a man that doesn't drink and I rarely drink.

The routine for Christmas over the past few years is that myself, DH and kids (10,12 and 13) have dinner at home on our own. We go to my sister's house about 5pm for 2 hours (she lives 10 mins drive away). My parents have dinner in her house so when we leave my sister's we bring my parents back to our house for the evening and DH drives them home at 11pm (45 min round trip)

I am fed up with this arrangement and it doesn't suit us. First of all I hate having to leave my house at 5pm to go to sister's house. By that time we have cleared up after dinner and are just sitting down in front of the fire relaxing. I love going to my sister's normally but her house is chaos on Christmas day. Food everywhere, toys and wrapping paper everywhere. I am tired from a long day at this stage and don't be in form for it.

My parents will have been drinking during the day in her house so they cant drive. They come back to our house from about 7-11pm. It doesn't work as we are all in the one sitting room, the kids want to watch a movie and my parents keep talking over it. The kids go to bed about 9pm and my parents want to stay, having a drink, playing cards, watching tv. Myself and dh just want to chill and go to bed early as we have usually been up since 6am. Then DH has to drive them home.

My parents don't get on and with drink taken the tension gets worse, they make snippy comments to each other, argue about when to leave (dad always wants to go home early but mam complains that she doesn't want to go home to a cold house early on CD..)

They want to do the same again this year but I want to tell them that they are welcome to come over whenever they want but I am not leaving my house all day and I don't want anyone drinking alcohol.

They will have to make their own way over and home. Essentially this will mean that if they want to come to me they cant have been drinking beforehand (as will have to drive) and they cant drink in my house.
I have had many Christmases ruined as a child because of them fighting with drink. I literally start dreading CD from mid November as it is all geared around them, getting them to my house, entertaining them and getting them home.

To be fair to them I haven't told them before that it is a problem, I just silently seethed but I need to put a stop to it as it isn't fair on my family.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 13/12/2021 15:29

It's not your job to fix your parents poor relationship. (It's not your sister's job either.)

If you don't change the dynamic it will roll on exactly as it is now.

Work out a plan that works for you. Easier said than done I know.

Dacquoise · 13/12/2021 15:32

I don't think there is a viable solution to get them not to drink or bicker on Christmas Day. It's not under your control They've got used to being taxied by your DH and ,don't know where you live, but getting home on Christmas Day, although it isn't your problem, is very expensive by taxi or one of them will have to be designated driver and that's a whole other drama if they need alcohol to tolerate each other.

How about having the Christmas Day you really want ie at home with your own little family. Spending time with these two on another day, perhaps share the pain with your sibling or take turns?

Mum5net · 13/12/2021 15:33

What @dementedpixie says.
I think you and your sister should just tell them they can stay at home and drink and bicker in their own house. Dont think either of you should put up with their behaviour

You and your DSis deserve to be able to set up traditions of your own. I'd chat your dread through with her and work a solution that suits you both. The tell DParents 'Take it or leave it'

godmum56 · 13/12/2021 15:33

have you discussed this with your sister? sometimes things are easier with a united front.

KT727 · 13/12/2021 15:35

I think it sounds like a great idea to say that they can come as long as they make their own way to yours and back and don't drink.

Original poster
Lima1 · 13/12/2021 15:36

Thanks guys, I think drink is so acceptable on CD that it seems mad to want to say no. But it brings back bad memories for me.

They don't get drunk but tipsy and inhibitions drop and the eye rolling, huffing, puffing, giving out under their breath starts. Also just even seeing them tipsy bothers me due to past history.

OP posts:
TempName01 · 13/12/2021 15:36

Do your sis a favour and ring her and discuss the day, she will probably be relieved not to have to have you all over and you can be on her team in telling your parents they can’t come to hers. If it’s too late for this year then for next Christmas. It’s ridiculous that none of you are enjoying the day. You can see your parents any other day of the year!

Fundays12 · 13/12/2021 15:37

I would offer your parents to come round Christmas morning but make it clear they need to drive. Do you or dh drink at all? I would be tempted to have a glass of fizz before they arrive (or even pretend to as a special treat).

Pythonesque · 13/12/2021 15:38

Another vote for a quiet day at home and see them on Boxing Day; definitely say the kids have asked, if it makes it easier.

One other suggestion for how to meet up, if there's anywhere near any of your houses, is to focus on going out for a good family walk. You could even offer to take some of your sister's children out for a walk before dinner for the cousins to have time together and be out of her hair while she cooks, if that suits you (don't suggest anything new this year unless it is something that really works for you and your immediate family).

Christmas Day we generally get out for a walk at some point, if dinner is early enough to walk after it we clear up when we get back. And when my sister visits the walk is mandatory :)

CustardySergeant · 13/12/2021 15:39

I would be very worried that no lifts means they will drink and drive.

BronwenFrideswide · 13/12/2021 15:39

@Lima1

Thanks for all the responses. I have gotten myself into this situation because this is what we have done for years so it is expected now.

I do also feel guilty about my sister being landed with them all day but I cant do it just to relieve her of the pressure when she wont stand up to them.

I think I will just say that I am finding the day too long each year - kids up early, etc. I only have 3 days off over christmas and am tired. I will say that they can come over in the morning/stay for dinner but I wont be going to my sister and will likely have an early night.

I will make it clear that them coming over in the evening is too late and I am not asking DH to drive them home.

I will see how they react to that and take it from there.

Thanks so much for all the suggestions x

Yes do that.

Insist that this year you and your family are having the Christmas Day they want and that is that you stay at your home all day just you and your family and no visitors.

I imagine they will react badly but stick to your guns put yourself and your family first for once, I am sure your children, husband and especially you will enjoy the day far more. You can't dance to everyone else's tune all the time at the expense of you, your husband and children it's not fair or reasonable. It doesn't matter how long you've done it for it no longer (if it ever did) work for you and yours and you've given it enough of a try.

You are not saying you won't see them at all over Christmas just not on the Day under the current system.

keepingthisanon · 13/12/2021 15:42

Ugh I hate the assumption that if someone doesn't drink they automatically have to drive everyone. To be honest I feel like you should be able to tell them you don't want them drinking in your house but....I don't know, maybe it would just cause more drama. I absolutely think its reasonable to have expectations re: no drunken behaviour and people organizing their own lifts, and say those are the terms of hosting.

Coronachristmas21 · 13/12/2021 15:43

Personally I would just say no to seeing them altogether drinking or not and perhaps see them another day. We used to feel obliged to see my family every year, they are hard work at the best of times let alone Christmas. For the last few years we've told them we want to spend Christmas Day at home and see them a couple days before Christmas!

Thegreencup · 13/12/2021 15:46

Just ban them full stop.

You're not leaving the house on Xmas and you're not having visitors either. We do this every year. My kids aren't being dragged from pillar to post on Christmas day just to suit everyone else.

Your DC deserve better too.

LAMPS1 · 13/12/2021 15:47

I don’t understand why posters are saying that you shouldn’t ask them not to drink when they visit you.
In your own home, of course you can make it clear that it’s an alcohol-free household. Nothing wrong with that at all as long as they have plenty of warning to make other arrangements to go drinking elsewhere if drinking is more important to them than good manners. Your reason for wanting it to be an alcohol free day/evening are very valid and important for your immediate family.
Your parents must be very thick skinned if they don’t realise that it’s not ok to drink to such excess that they bicker and cause tension to others in somebody else’s house. You are perfectly entitled to enlighten them on this - as it’s true and has been a source of discomfort to you since childhood. Use this as an opportunity to kindly inform them. They may be shocked but I’m afraid that is just too bad as they are the ones causing the need for change.
It should not be assumed that your husband is the driver. It’s very unfair on him to have been landed with this job year after year simply because he chooses to remain sober. Again, give them plenty of warning so that they can pre-order a taxi every time they are themselves, too inebriated to drive.
My advice would be to take hold of this CD habit that you have long disliked and make changes to ensure that you and your little family have the day you want to have this year. Good luck.

Greenrubber · 13/12/2021 15:49

Just use covid as an excuse and have some time just with your DH and kids

Bettyboopawoop · 13/12/2021 15:50

Just tell them yous want to have a drink for a change so they can get a taxi there and back simple.

ElfCalavicci · 13/12/2021 15:50

It sounds like you have got a plan in place now , but if it doesn't work out how about next year you all put into a kitty each month and use it to pay for a meal out and taxi's
You will have plenty of time to save up and decided where you would like to go .

GalaPie · 13/12/2021 15:50

Could you visit your sister's earlier in the day and see your parents then?
As in - have pressies/breakfast in your house, stick the turkey in and do whatever prep you can, then do the visit perhaps 11-1 and swap extended family gifts before the drink sets in and the sister's house gets too chaotic, then home for the rest of the day. Perhaps that means you might have Xmas lunch a little later but you'd be in your own home the rest of the day and could get some games etc in with your own dc. Even some sofa time.
I presume last year you didn't have visitors so this year is a good opportunity to set a new precedent. All my extended family are taking the opportunity, with changes to arrangements that have stood for decades. It seems easier this year to be honest with each other.

PizzaCrust · 13/12/2021 15:52

Or they could just not come over and sit and argue in their cold house, leaving everyone else out of it?

Hello1290 · 13/12/2021 15:52

Is it possible to give them a lift to their home from your sisters without them stopping off at yours. It's very unfair on your husband to have to drive them home in the evening. He should be able to enjoy his CD evening with his family without the bother of giving lifts at almost midnight.

Tulips21 · 13/12/2021 15:53

@CoffeeRunner

I think just don't invite them to your house & don't visit your sister.

You are perfectly entitled to spend a quiet, calm day at home with no alcohol but you really can't dictate whether or not your parents drink before they arrive with you or not.

When they visit who buys the alcohol? Is it a case of if non is provided then they won't have a choice of what to drink?

I would simply make the whole change too!

' This year , we are staying home, no visiting and no lifts'

If you want anyone to visot you on CD, invite to yours- if not dont.
And dont feel guilty about this

itwasntaparty · 13/12/2021 15:54

Just step up and say you're staying at home, if they want to visit you, great, but you're not the taxi service.

Thegreencup · 13/12/2021 15:56

I also recommend speaking to your sister and using this as the opportunity to change things. After we decided we weren't leaving the house on Xmas, it was amazing how many other family members all decided to do the same. It was just we were the first ones to be brave enough and say what everyone else was too afraid to.

Pippapet · 13/12/2021 15:57

YANBU. Like a PP says, why have all the tension etc in the house for your own DCs, when you could have a really relaxed happy day not having to go anywhere if you don't want to?

Nothing has to be set in stone for years and years, down to how this year happens. It could be that you stay at home this year and you see your parents etc on Boxing Day. It could be that that next year you choose to drive over with your family to your sister's late morning, to spend an hour there, and then come away to have the rest of the day to yourselves.

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