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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow parents to drink alcohol on xmas day?

267 replies

Lima1 · 13/12/2021 14:31

I know it is my decision at the end of it but just wondering what people think as I am not sure if I am going too far.

We have always has issues with alcohol in my family. I married a man that doesn't drink and I rarely drink.

The routine for Christmas over the past few years is that myself, DH and kids (10,12 and 13) have dinner at home on our own. We go to my sister's house about 5pm for 2 hours (she lives 10 mins drive away). My parents have dinner in her house so when we leave my sister's we bring my parents back to our house for the evening and DH drives them home at 11pm (45 min round trip)

I am fed up with this arrangement and it doesn't suit us. First of all I hate having to leave my house at 5pm to go to sister's house. By that time we have cleared up after dinner and are just sitting down in front of the fire relaxing. I love going to my sister's normally but her house is chaos on Christmas day. Food everywhere, toys and wrapping paper everywhere. I am tired from a long day at this stage and don't be in form for it.

My parents will have been drinking during the day in her house so they cant drive. They come back to our house from about 7-11pm. It doesn't work as we are all in the one sitting room, the kids want to watch a movie and my parents keep talking over it. The kids go to bed about 9pm and my parents want to stay, having a drink, playing cards, watching tv. Myself and dh just want to chill and go to bed early as we have usually been up since 6am. Then DH has to drive them home.

My parents don't get on and with drink taken the tension gets worse, they make snippy comments to each other, argue about when to leave (dad always wants to go home early but mam complains that she doesn't want to go home to a cold house early on CD..)

They want to do the same again this year but I want to tell them that they are welcome to come over whenever they want but I am not leaving my house all day and I don't want anyone drinking alcohol.

They will have to make their own way over and home. Essentially this will mean that if they want to come to me they cant have been drinking beforehand (as will have to drive) and they cant drink in my house.
I have had many Christmases ruined as a child because of them fighting with drink. I literally start dreading CD from mid November as it is all geared around them, getting them to my house, entertaining them and getting them home.

To be fair to them I haven't told them before that it is a problem, I just silently seethed but I need to put a stop to it as it isn't fair on my family.
AIBU?

OP posts:
aloris · 13/12/2021 14:50

I don't think you are banning them from drinking. How do they get to your sister's house? I presume she picks them up? I bet she doesn't want to be tasked with the 1.5 hr round trip of dropping them back to their own house at night because she has had a long day of festivities. But why does everyone but you get to have a nice relaxing Christmas night, just because you don't drink? Is there any reason they can't use either of the following two options:

  1. If they don't want to drive, they can be picked up by your sister on Christmas morning, spend the night at her house, drink as much as they want, and she or you can drop them back to their own house on Dec 26th.
  1. They drive themselves to your house Christmas morning. Spend some time with you then. Then drive themselves to sister's whatever time they want. Stay there as long as they want. Drink in moderation but not getting drunk. Stop drinking a few hours before they want to leave. Then they drive themselves home safely.
Wolfiefan · 13/12/2021 14:50

Just say you want a quiet Christmas at home and you’ll see them another time.

ChangeChingyChange · 13/12/2021 14:51

@Aquamarine1029

Bypass the whole drama and tell them you're not having anyone over after your sister's house. You're tired, overworked, whatever. Job done.
You're going to have to this. You can't tell them not to drink because they won't listen anyway and it'll just cause a huge row. Just do this every year til they get the message. See them for a bit at your sisters if you want to go there then go home and enjoy your evening.
GemmaRuby · 13/12/2021 14:51

Just read your update. If you see them on Boxing Day anyway, just say you’re staying at home on Christmas Day and aren’t giving any lifts.

Say they’re welcome to pop in if they want to (knowing that they probably won’t).

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/12/2021 14:51

Just skip it

"Wont be having people back to ours christmas day evening as we are usually exhausted by 6pm. Looking forward to seeing you all Boxing Day"

Embracelife · 13/12/2021 14:52

No reason to have them to yours.at all.
Just see them at your sisters
Then everyone goes home to their houses
Dh takes them home Then picks you up
Go home
Quiet evening

RachelTheRedNosedReindeer · 13/12/2021 14:52

You're seeing them on Boxing Day anyway. I'd get covid symptoms and be forced to isolate...OK maybe nothing THAT deceitful. But I'd make an excuse for Christmas Day.

Does your sister like having them? If so, no guilt needed.

TeeBee · 13/12/2021 14:52

It really is easy to just say 'we're staying at home and having a quiet one this year. See you Boxing Day'. They get to see your sister on CD and you BD. Don't enter into conversations about it...that's what you've decided. Then in the future just tell them that it worked much better for you to do the new arrangement.

Mrsjayy · 13/12/2021 14:53

Actually I think you should just stay home or visit your sister Christmas eve/ boxing day tell the parents now and just deal with their grumbles if they do come just don't have alcohol in.

GroggyLegs · 13/12/2021 14:53

Does your sister enjoy doing Xmas day with them every year?
Sounds like her day is pretty stressful too, bickering parents all day and 5 further people who don't want to be there in the evening to entertain, cater for & clean up after.

Why not offer to feed your parents & then you can drop them at your sisters later for a booze up & taxi home.

Then meet with sister boxing day/Xmas Eve OR pop over when you drop the parents off & leave by 7?

CheddarGorgeous · 13/12/2021 14:56

YANBU. Just say you're not driving anywhere. It doesn't sound fun for you or your DH.

You can either be honest (my preferred option) or lie - covid / car broken down / head lice infestation / zombie attack / power cut (rotate five yearly) to spare their feelings.

But YADNBU.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 13/12/2021 14:57

What do you actually want to do on Christmas Day? Do you WANT to see them at all? If not, don't!

"Well be having a quiet Christmas just the X of us this year. We'll see you on Boxing Day."

If pressed: "I don't enjoy seeing you on Christmas Day, it's too tense."

If they continue: "You ruined enough of my Christmases as a child with your drink-fuelled arguing, you're not having any more of them."

Just because your DH could drive them doesn't mean he has to drive them. Lay down some boundaries. If they flounce, enjoy the silence!

CurtainTroubles · 13/12/2021 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Ponoka7 · 13/12/2021 14:58

I'd go with seeing at your sister's and then boxing day. You don't have to put up with this treatment.

RatherBeRiding · 13/12/2021 14:59

I'm afraid you are just going to have to be upfront and take the consequences. No need to rude or dramatic (leave that to them!) - just state the truth. You prefer to be home on Christmas Day going forward. You've decided that this way works best for you. And that's it. No giving in to emotional blackmail, tantrums, accusations, pleading.

You're seeing them over Christmas - you're not turning your backs on them. But you want to spend Christmas Day in your own home, as a family. Sweeten the pill by saying you'd love to see them if they want to drop by - leave the ball in their court. Job done!

SlashBeef · 13/12/2021 15:00

I think I'd cancel completely and just see them on boxing day! It sounds totally miserable.

purplecorkheart · 13/12/2021 15:01

onestly, I would just stay in mu own house for Christlmas day and not go to your sisters at all. I fear if you they will both have had a drink and both claim that they thought the other one was driving. They know that your dh does not drink so they know they will get home.

Skeumorph · 13/12/2021 15:01

Think of it this way.

Your childhood Christmases were spoiled by their selfishness.

Now you have your own family, and your children are going into their teens.

Are you going to literally sacrifice all THEIR childhood Christmases too, never actually do what YOU want to do as a family, not even once, because this selfish pair come before you, your DH, and all your own children?

THEY WILL GET OVER IT!

They'll have to.

And you can do ALL this stuff on Boxing Day/27th instead anyway!!

'Hi everyone. We are letting you know now that we have had a family chat and we're going to change how we do things over Christmas Day.
To be honest we have found the last few Christmas days quite stressful and tiring and now the kids are getting older, they too want the day to be different.
We're all going to be staying home on Christmas Day itself and holding off on visits until Boxing Day.
Mum and Dad, you can then go straight home after the daytime at Sis place to yours, and have a cosy evening rather than not wanting to go from ours until late because the house is cold.
We're up at 6 usually on Christmas Day and want an early night by the time it's over! We'd so much rather have you over on Boxing Day, or do a less flying visit to sis on Boxing Day with you when things are less hectic. And the children would enjoy this much more than being dragged around on Christmas Day, which they really aren't up for this year.

Hopefully you understand and we can change our plans to suit everyone now all the kids are getting older.'

lockdownalli · 13/12/2021 15:02

YABU to dictate to them whether they can drink or not tbh.

The real issue here appears to be your inability to tell them you aren't going to DSIS on Christmas Day to play taxi driver.

You don't need an excuse - you just say you and DH have decided you will stay home Christmas Day - you look forward to seeing whoever on Boxing Day.

Iloveacurry · 13/12/2021 15:03

Why can’t they just pay for a taxi home themselves? Does your DH really want to go out at 11pm to drop them home? I bet he doesn’t.

VickyEadieofThigh · 13/12/2021 15:03

I'd be saying it doesn't work for me, we'll see you on Boxing day. That's all. There is no rule or reason why established 'arrangements' have to be set in bloody stone at Xmas.

Skeumorph · 13/12/2021 15:03

Oh missed your updates.

So you already go to them Boxing Day! Simplify it all. Rework the above to just say you are staying home at Christmas, you will see them Boxing Day, they can call a taxi from your Sis place.

Then it's up to your sis to speak up to say she doesn't want to have them for the evening either!

WhatMattersMost · 13/12/2021 15:07

Just because your husband doesn't drink doesn't mean he has to drive them. Be clear about what you want, but don't tell them they cannot drink - that is the shadow side of enablement.

Original poster
Lima1 · 13/12/2021 15:07

Thanks for all the responses. I have gotten myself into this situation because this is what we have done for years so it is expected now.

I do also feel guilty about my sister being landed with them all day but I cant do it just to relieve her of the pressure when she wont stand up to them.

I think I will just say that I am finding the day too long each year - kids up early, etc. I only have 3 days off over christmas and am tired. I will say that they can come over in the morning/stay for dinner but I wont be going to my sister and will likely have an early night.

I will make it clear that them coming over in the evening is too late and I am not asking DH to drive them home.

I will see how they react to that and take it from there.

Thanks so much for all the suggestions x

OP posts:
RachelTheRedNosedReindeer · 13/12/2021 15:08

@Lima1

Thanks for all the responses. I have gotten myself into this situation because this is what we have done for years so it is expected now.

I do also feel guilty about my sister being landed with them all day but I cant do it just to relieve her of the pressure when she wont stand up to them.

I think I will just say that I am finding the day too long each year - kids up early, etc. I only have 3 days off over christmas and am tired. I will say that they can come over in the morning/stay for dinner but I wont be going to my sister and will likely have an early night.

I will make it clear that them coming over in the evening is too late and I am not asking DH to drive them home.

I will see how they react to that and take it from there.

Thanks so much for all the suggestions x

Good plan!

Let us know how it goes