To not allow parents to drink alcohol on xmas day?

[Lima1]

I know it is my decision at the end of it but just wondering what people think as I am not sure if I am going too far.

We have always has issues with alcohol in my family. I married a man that doesn't drink and I rarely drink.

The routine for Christmas over the past few years is that myself, DH and kids (10,12 and 13) have dinner at home on our own. We go to my sister's house about 5pm for 2 hours (she lives 10 mins drive away). My parents have dinner in her house so when we leave my sister's we bring my parents back to our house for the evening and DH drives them home at 11pm (45 min round trip)

I am fed up with this arrangement and it doesn't suit us. First of all I hate having to leave my house at 5pm to go to sister's house. By that time we have cleared up after dinner and are just sitting down in front of the fire relaxing. I love going to my sister's normally but her house is chaos on Christmas day. Food everywhere, toys and wrapping paper everywhere. I am tired from a long day at this stage and don't be in form for it.

My parents will have been drinking during the day in her house so they cant drive. They come back to our house from about 7-11pm. It doesn't work as we are all in the one sitting room, the kids want to watch a movie and my parents keep talking over it. The kids go to bed about 9pm and my parents want to stay, having a drink, playing cards, watching tv. Myself and dh just want to chill and go to bed early as we have usually been up since 6am. Then DH has to drive them home.

My parents don't get on and with drink taken the tension gets worse, they make snippy comments to each other, argue about when to leave (dad always wants to go home early but mam complains that she doesn't want to go home to a cold house early on CD..)

They want to do the same again this year but I want to tell them that they are welcome to come over whenever they want but I am not leaving my house all day and I don't want anyone drinking alcohol.

They will have to make their own way over and home. Essentially this will mean that if they want to come to me they cant have been drinking beforehand (as will have to drive) and they cant drink in my house.
I have had many Christmases ruined as a child because of them fighting with drink. I literally start dreading CD from mid November as it is all geared around them, getting them to my house, entertaining them and getting them home.

To be fair to them I haven't told them before that it is a problem, I just silently seethed but I need to put a stop to it as it isn't fair on my family.
AIBU?

To me it sounds like my idea of hell.
I don’t think this close to Christmas there’s any benefit in trying to change anyone’s drinking patterns. Tell your sister you’ve decided to stay home this year or Christmas Eve you or DH have been sick, so not leaving house.

I think the answer is quite clearly that you have had a stressful time, so are not leaving your home this Christmas Day.

Arrange visits before and after to your sisters and parents, or have them over as normal at a more respectable time.

It's your Christmas as well, and if they care about you, they will respect this.

Think about what you and your kids want to do, that comes first.

Bloody hell! I don't understand why some people make their Christmas day so convoluted and miserable. Why all the toing and froing? Can't you all have Christmas dinner together at either yours or the sisters and then have a nice evening all together playing games and chatting and go home when the kids are ready for bed? Then following year swap over and the other sister host.

I would be honest. That you find alcohol spoils Christmas for your family and if they want to see you on Christmas day they should be aware that you would like them not to drink. And if they start excusing/laughing (which they will, look at the rest of the thread) you just do broken record. You don't want to be around people who are drinking on CD and it's entirely up to them, you'd love to see them - sober.

Have you read the 'worst behaviour at Christmas' thread that was running recently? It's truly shocking. Post after post of alcohol causing destroyed lives and wrecked Christmases. Pages of it. You do in fact have a complete right to set that boundary. I think they will push it massively so there will be a confrontation, probably several im afraid. But you can do it.

Also, please don't make up a story or tell lies; it will be more beneficial to just tell the truth...you are putting yourself, husband and children first from now on, just like everyone else has been doing exactly what they want.

tbh I would consider lying about having to quarantine with corona.

Really not sure why people are saying you can't tell them not to drink.
Of course you can!!!

"We really don't want anyone in our home drinking on Christmas day, we just want a chilled evening and not the drama/arguments/vibe that comes from alcohol, you're more than welcome to come though if you fancy a quiet evening"

They will obviously say no and problem solved then!

No need for pussy footing around the reasons, you don't want them drinking in your home, honesty is the best policy in my view!

If they hate each other they can divorce. Not your problem. I'd just say outright I don't want drunk people in my house, bickering and stressing me out. Come sober or don't come. And DH is not a taxi driver. Drive yourselves or book a cab.

Sounds like you’ve prioritised your parents wishes over your own and your ‘nuclear’ family’s for way too long. Would just say you’re spending Xmas at home, without guests, this year.

Also suggest a read of ‘stately homes’ threads or threads about adult DC of people with alcohol problems as it sounds like you’re in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)

@Lockdowninfinity

You all sound like hard work to be honest. So many restrictions. Christmas should be relaxed imo. Nothing set in stone. Go with the flow. Order cabs. Drink what you like when you like. Visit whimyou want (if welcome) when you want. Don’t go outing you don’t want to. Simple.

This. Quite happy to stick with a dry rule in someone's house but if they tried to police what I drank beforehand I wouldn't visit! You going to breathalyse them?! Just stay at home without all the tooing and froing. My sister had a minor hissy fit this weekend as I won't stay in her house overnight. I HATE staying over as a family at other people's places, so do both my kids. We need/like our own beds and I need my own space. And I mean in my own house with just my immediate family.

@user1481840227

Really not sure why people are saying you can't tell them not to drink. Of course you can!!!

"We really don't want anyone in our home drinking on Christmas day, we just want a chilled evening and not the drama/arguments/vibe that comes from alcohol, you're more than welcome to come though if you fancy a quiet evening"

They will obviously say no and problem solved then!

No need for pussy footing around the reasons, you don't want them drinking in your home, honesty is the best policy in my view!

You can ask them not to drink and they can say no, so you don't host them...but you can't ban them from drinking. They're adults!

Being honest about the alcohol would be a good way to get them not to come though, so maybe a good option 🤷‍♀️

Firstly, you are an adult child of a family of disordered drinkers &/or alcoholics.
You are not that child any more.
You can make the choice to work your way through the fear, obligation & guilt (FOG) of your upbringing.

You have chosen to build your life with someone who has an attitude & behaviour around alcohol that supports your low or alcohol-free preferences, maybe he grew up in a disordered family as well.

You can ask your parents not to drink at your house.
Ask & then follow through by not offering or supplying it whilst at your house. But they will drink at home or your sisters on the day if they want to.

Maybe you are already aware of AlAnon family support ?

Also, your children are growing up, developing wishes & preferences of their own about how to spend Christmas. Time for family habits at Christmas to adapt to new ways. They will be autonomous adults soon enough & you have them just before they hit the teen years. Make the most of your time as a family before their interests & preferences draw them away at Christmas.

Howabout having a family Christmas either on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day? Maybe you or your sister host? But the event hinges on a generous lunch, brisk walks & parents arrive/go home in pre-booked taxis - non-negotiable.

I suggest you get the ball rolling by hosting this year on Christmas Eve, get parents home by late afternoon. Christmas Day at yours, just you & your family, just how you like it.

It may be a stretch to get the extra goods in, perhaps you adjust by scoffing all the Christmas Day stuff & buffet the left overs on Christmas Day so that no-one has to cook?

There will be some resistance, of course there will be. But no-one will go without food or company on Christmas Day. Your parents can still go to your sisters, & you get to stay home after having seen them all the previous day.

Ideally your sister would be your partner in this BUT this is your life, your Christmas. If she is not a natural ally in avoiding the influence of excess alcohol, then just go ahead as you want your Christmas to be.

Christmas can be emotionally fraught enough & for adult children of families with alcohol problems, it can be a FOGfest too far. You do not have to go through this every year.

You are looking for how to do things differently.Shuffling the usual schedule does not exclude or insult the family.

AlAnon family group & helpline may be helpful for you.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

AlAnon helpline: 0800 0086 811, as image above.

20Cocomelons

I'd invite them to come for Christmas brunch. Drop them off at your sisters at midday, only ten minutes for you and then let them have the rest of the day at your sisters where they can have a drink and let them worry about how to get home or stay over at your sisters. Just say you're spending the rest of the day at home

This. I think this idea could be really good for you as you'd still see them but as its brunch, they won't have been drinking yet or at least not much. No need to be ferrying them around, just offer to drop them at your sisters and then don't answer your phone later if they call to be picked up

What about transferring seeing them to Boxing Day, or Christmas Eve? And absolutely fair enough to say that DH absolutely isn’t a taxi service on Christmas Day any more. Just say you want to do things differently, they should respect that.

Oh my, in the time I took to bolt together my post, many MNetters have posted far better, more direct responses.

How do they get to your sister's house? Or do they leave their car there?
They should just go to your sister's and then go home. One of them will have to stay sober.
Or if they both want to drink stay in their own house CD and then you all go over on BD.

@WheekestLink

I'm not sure why you can't say they can't drink alcohol in your home.

If drinking alcohol makes them argue, then they shouldn't drink alcohol. Obviously they're not going to stop, but I'd make it clear that their fights are not welcome at your house but they themselves are welcome.

Sometimes it is forgotten that alcohol is a drug. You would be well within your rights to refuse them access to cocaine at your house and you can do the same for alcohol.

I say this as an addict who has been sober for 8 years.

THIS ^^

All the daft excuses and changin arrangements to avoid pointing out the elephant in the room will NOT solve the problem.
YOu have put up with this long enough and eventually your children will be subjected to grandparents drunken sniping. Believe me, they will remember it all and be deeply affected by it.

Please just be honest! Say you want Christmas with your own family from now on, and you don't want them drinking in your house and bickering because it upsets you and everyone else. PLEASE - do them a favour and yourself and SAY IT. Stand up for yourself and don't have them over this Christmas or any other. If you want to go to theirs, you can leave as soon as you want.

Just tell them you're going to all stay home this year and have a chilled out day and an early night. You'll catch up with them on boxing day perhaps....

Don't make it into a bigger drama than it needs to be. Play it down but stick to your guns.

Do they bring their own booze or are they tanked up by the time you get to spend time with them?

See them earlier. No lifts. It's not fair on the person who does the driving even if they don't drink. It's Christmas day.

I think Covid has been wonderful for letting people do their own thing a bit more and not rely on being entertained or tolerated.

'Dear mum and dad, we've been talking to the kids about what they want to do on Christmas Day. They want to chill, and it just be us which is what we're going with. So we'll see you at x o'clock on Boxing Day. Have a fab day'

If they come back to you about it, ignore and say we'll see you Boxing Day. No point going over the things you hate

First of all I hate having to leave my house at 5pm to go to sister's house.

Well don't go then? This has nothing to do with your parents having a drink.

There is a word you can say. Which is 'No'.

I hate the assumption that certain people will always be the driver.. i was for years and i didn't drink because of that expectation of ferrying people around.

Its very difficult. There has been a life time of drinking and they will probably see no need to change their ways. After all no one has complained before!

The driving thing I really do understand. People love to have someone hanging around waiting for them to get bladdered. No taxis to book (and pay for!) and after all your DH doesnt drink at all, what is the issue...

I wouldnt ban drinking. That wont go well. But I would change the day around. Dont go into the finer detail but make it all about what you would like to do as opposed to doing the same thing which clearly suits them down to the ground.

Touching on the sly comments is more difficult and you will know whether that will cause WW3. I have relative like this and if it doesnt suit you spend hours going round and round in circles.

Make it simple. This year we are spending Christmas day at our house
If you want to drop by you're welcome at x time but dh will not be leaving the house to drop anyone home.

Only put that last sentence if you do want to see them. And I'd knock the visit on the head as well by sending you the same message.

I think I would just pass completely on going to your sister's on the day.

If they come to yours, they have to get themselves there and not have been drinking.